Date: Sun, 12 Sep 2004 13:32:52 -0600 From: Karla Schulz Subject: Carrots and Celery snap shots from the road series part six Here it is, the final installment of the snap shots from the road series you've all enjoyed so much. I'm going to try to keep regular with the posting, but I start university tomorrow, and that's been known to cause craziness. I say your uncle was a crooked french canadian. --- About an hour before we reach our destination, taking our last break at a roadside diner, I finally sigh in that meaningful way I've been working myself up to since this whole thing started. "You guys, I think I'm ready to have The Talk now." I inform them. "What talk would that be?" Kyle asks distractedly. "You know -- the one where I cut my heart open and bleed metaphorically all over you guys and then my sharing leads to sharing of your own and we all grow as people?" "Ah. That one." Jonas nods. Silence dominates the Le Baron. "Feel free to start at any time Carrots," Kyle prompts, teasing gently. One more sigh and I'm ready to give it a go. "I guess I'm just having trouble accepting that any of this is real, mostly. That everything could actually be this messed up and probably has been for a long time and I didn't even fucking notice. I can't believe it'd gotten to the point where I'd almost convinced myself I didn't care. I didn't used to be able to go a day without hearing his voice. I guess I still don't do too good with that. I'm not sure what the hell I'm doing here -- although I know I'd never be able to do it without you two -- and whatever the hell this is I don't know if it'll help us find our way back to each other or just finally convince me this is the end. I don't know how I could ever believe that but I can't see him right now. Not in my heart, not the way I used to. I never thought we'd get so far away from each other. Emotionally you know. I mean, when we get there, when I actually see him -- I don't know what the hell I'm gonna say to him. I don't any idea what he'll to say to me. I've always known that. Always. That's always been our thing. We know stuff about each other. We understand. We fit. I believe that we still do -- somehow -- but we've both changed so much I don't think either of us has any idea how we're supposed to work anymore. I'm sure now that's why he left. I think I am anyway. I might have too, if running had been one of my options." I shrug. "Only it wasn't, and only he understood first. He saw the changes before I did. Or maybe I just didn't want to admit what I was seeing. It was how I acted around Colin that showed him, but it had nothing to do with Colin himself. It's not like I thought -- that he was jealous of Colin, thinking we were involved in something. He just saw the changes manifested through my interaction with Colin, and he couldn't handle it. He didn't know how to be with me, how to act, and I think it broke something inside of him. The way I reacted to him and his distantness the whole time he was here and the way I couldn't convince him to stay shows I didn't understand him any better. We couldn't see through the differences enough to be able to see our way back to each other. That's why he left, that's why I couldn't stop him and it's why he hasn't called. The pieces have to be arranged in some new way and I guess neither of us has figured out exactly how yet." "But you don't sound like you've given up hope," Jonas interjects softly. I smile at him. "No, I couldn't. I'm not quite ready to be destroyed." Jonas slips his arm around my waist, and looks up at me warmly. "That's good to hear," I feel a laugh growing, and I let it happen. Jonas reacts like he's been given the only present he's ever wanted, and gives me a squeeze. "You're my main droog Care," "Thanks bro, you too." Kyle gets up and crams his way into our side of the booth his long arm coming across both our shoulders, his hand coming to rest on my shoulder. "I wanted in on the love." He explains. I laugh again. But get serious again, realizing I have more to say. "Celery was my refuge. My calm in the storm. My peace in the chaos, my silence in all the noise. He was my heart. My joy. Everything that was good and right in my life was him." I sigh. "And he made me cry. He did something, knowing what it was going to do to me, but maybe unable to do anything else. He made an impossible choice. He left me crying because he had to get away. He didn't like what was going on, he was unhappy or confused, so he left. I can't even say how many times I've gone over that day in my head, trying to understand. And after all this time I'm not sure if I understand more or less. But one thing I do know is that when he left, Celery knocked himself down from every pedestal I ever placed him on." I pause for the longest time, but no one speaks. My mind is racing. I'm trying to will myself to stay with these thoughts, because I can feel a breakthrough coming on. When it does, realization hits me hard. I have to sit in silence a few minutes more, digesting this newly uncovered bit of information. I look into Jonas and Kyle's eyes. "But I still love him. I may not totally understand and I'm still very hurt and disappointed by what he did -- and let's not forget supremely brassed off -- but I love Celery more than ever," I shake my head. "I don't know. I guess a part of me was always afraid of how perfect I believed him to be. There's something so fragile about someone who has never really let you down. You'd think it'd be the other way around and mostly it was, but there was always that fear at the very back of my mind. I've been all too aware of my own imperfections, but Celery managed to hide most of his. For 11 years he never let me down. He was the thing that I trusted, and the one I loved. Now, he has let me down. In the biggest possible way. But I still love him, and though it may have changed some, I still have my trust in him as well. I thought for the longest time that that was gone, that it HAD to be, after what he did, but I've been slowly realizing that's not true. Because, as I start to understand -- really understand -- why he couldn't do anything but leave -- I can't see it as the same betrayal I once did. Maybe I'm even glad in a way. Maybe that's part of why he left. Maybe he needed to know he could mess up and I'd still love him. That I didn't expect him to be perfect. He acted selfishly. Everyone has to at some point. It's part of humanity. If I can't love him when he's showing me his worst, weakest, most flawed and human side, then I never loved him at all. So for that lesson these past weeks has taught me, I'm grateful." I smile. "Doesn't mean you're not going to kick his ass when you see him though right?" Kyle retorts cheekily. I grin. "Right."