Date: Sun, 24 Aug 2003 11:05:42 -0500
From: Karla Schulz <lanky_lanka@lycos.com>
Subject: Carrots and Celery Part Three Chapter Four

Well, here's another chapter of Carrots and Celery.  So Good?  or No Good?
Do let me know.

---

The next day I'm in a daze, still very much shaken from the events of the
previous evening. Fighting in itself isn't something I'm used to with
Celery (or anyone really) but to be fighting in an ongoing manner. I mean,
he called back and we talked more but still I don't feel any better. Still
there are the bad feelings and the anger. Still we are in total and bitter
disagreement. At breakfast I got treated with kid gloves like I've never
seen. Everyone (a bigger everyone than normal, one that included my mom,
Kara, and the twins) tried to be cheerful and upbeat, but they all shot
worried and anxious glances at me when they thought I wasn't looking.

Now in class I'm barely aware, but it's a different kind of not here. I'm
not a mix of miserable and dead over missing Celery. I'm a million things
at once, feeling almost every emotion you can think of (of the bad and even
still some of the good varieties) and it's like collectively all these
different emotions form this one loud continuous noise in my dead and by
trying to think of everything I really end up thinking of nothing.

And right now, sitting beside him as he listens to Avril Lavigne with his
eyes half rolled back in his head, this blank and vacant look on his face,
I feel very close to Colin. Like I finally get what's going on there. It's
not nothing, up there inside his head, it's too much. I'm also starting to
get pretty sure he's rockin' to her basest guitar for the irony. I'm
honestly starting to see Colin in a totally different light. And I think I
know how to reach him.

"Hey, my name's Carrots. You want to be my friend?" I'm holding my hand out
in front of his face, going not with the stupid grin but rather a genuine
half-smile.

To my considerable surprise and jubilation, he grins.

"Took you long enough, asshole. Here I am, the coolest person you know, and
I've been sitting beside you for months and you finally get around to
noticing. I mean, man, I thought I was going to have to keep listening to
this crap for the rest of my life before you figured out any of this
shit. The most frightening thing about all this is the music's so bad I've
started to love it. I'm all over the terrible pop music scene now. And I
blame you."

There's no doubt about it what I just felt was a thrill of horror.  (Harry
Potter thing, very funny.) But not really horror in the bad way, just, so
much shock that it adds up to horror. 'Cause, that speech, well, it was
mine. As I was hearing it, all I could think of was that this was a speech
inside of me I was never meant to say. It's like suddenly and probably
totally insanely I'm seeing this whole unrealized side of myself reflected
out of Colin. And in a way that Kaleb sometimes almost was and Celery could
often manage to be, Colin is me. A mean, a me I know I'll never be, but
easily could have become, if my life up until this point had been very
different.

"Pretty trippy, eh?" He breaks through my introspection, grinning even more
with a knowing gleam in his eye.

"How did you know?" I venture to ask, feeling strangely calm. Colin shrugs.

"I didn't at first, but for some reason I couldn't explain I found myself
watching you anyway. Giving you that bit of attention it didn't take me
long to understand who you were. It was in everything you did from the way
you interact with your pals to how you handled me and my infinitely bizarre
behaviour.  When I started throwing you the occasional burst of totally
random insanity and you still managed to be at least mildly cool to me, I
knew for sure.  You are a version of my own self, separate and totally
unique because of your circumstances and past but with a core of
fundamental sameness I recognized almost instantly. I think, had you not
been in a whatever kind of pain that's been eating you alive inside for
what's obviously been quite awhile now but recently seemed to get a lot
worse, you would have been able to spot me a lot sooner yourself."

This is all so bizarre. I mean, don't think I'm not aware of that fact. It
hasn't escaped my understanding. But most bizarre of all is how natural it
feels. How easily I'm accepting it all, with how little difficulty I've
accepted the fact that Colin and I have this strange and unexpected bond
slash connection thing.

"I guess I'm going to have to tell you about that," 'cause, as completely
insane as it sounds, I've had no time to stop and question the idea that
we'll be telling each other everything.  It just seems to be obvious and
something that's understood.

Colin is nodding so I guess that means I was right.

"There's a lot we have to tell each other, and we could start now if you
wanted to keep talking, which would probably get us kicked out of class and
we could continue this outside in the hallway. But I'm guessing you want to
hear the review for the exam tomorrow, am I right?"

"Yeah," he smiles.

"Enjoy yourself."

"You too." I reply just before he goes back under the headphones.

Just before he disappears out into the hallway after the bell rings, Colin
grins at me and says,

"Rock on. Rock on. Peace out. Avril."

I stare at him in disbelief and confusion, making Colin laugh and shake his
head. He riffles through his bag and grabs a CD.

"Listen to the CD, read the liner notes, and then we can be friends."

I take it and look at what CD it is. "Let Go" by none other than Avril
Lavigne herself. Should have known.

"See you later, man," I say, with a chuckle in my voice. He salutes and
slips out of the classroom.

I stare down at the CD. As wack as it is, I get this too. It's a part of
his language. I've got to get myself up to speed. Before we can really talk
I need to become fluent in Colin and he'll be required to learn Carrots and
Celery. (As much as things aren't right with us, it's not a language that's
just mine and I can't exclude him from my thoughts, as much as thinking
about Celery hurts and confuses me right now.)

Suddenly I jump, surprised to feel someone's hand on my shoulder.

"What was that all about?" It's Jonas. I shrug.

"No more question mark. He's been officially placed in the weird and
strange in a good way column." Jonas doesn't exactly look convinced, but he
doesn't say anything more about it.

That night, studying and taking breaks to listen to Avril Lavigne, I
understand it all. I mean, "Let Go" may very well be the most hilarious CD
I've ever listened to, but the real joy comes from the CD itself, and the
CD packaging.  The liner notes should go down as the best ones in the
history of liner notes, and even the song lyrics are priceless. Like,
everything is handwritten, with words crossed out, all scruffy, like Avril
actually wrote the songs herself. It's too much fun.

Kyle storms in around nine, with Jonas not far behind.

"Were you just listening to Avril Lavigne?" he demands with a face of
horrified disbelief.

"2 words: tour bus." More code from the liner notes.

"What the hell does THAT mean?"

"It means yes. Now shoo. I'm trying to study," mostly because of the
stunned, Kyle does as I say. Jonas stands in
 the doorway a minute longer, disgust slowly mutating into concern.

"Are you okay?" I nod.

"I'm unconsoled, lonely, I am, so much better than I used to be,"
 the familiarness of these Weakerthans lyrics comforts Jonas and he gives
me a weak smile before leaving the room.

I turn Avril back on, have another chuckle about something in the liner
notes, and go back to studying.

I kill on my Bio exam, despite having Skater Boi stuck in my head the
entire time. Because I've got Law tomorrow and I really need to cram for
it, I go straight home and actually manage to do the hardcore study thing
for most of the afternoon (all my exams happen to be in the morning this
semester).

After my Law exam I mean to wait around and then hook up with Jonas, but
when Colin passes by me on the way out of his Chem exam we get to talking
(and laughing) about all things Avril, and in a very spur of the moment
thing, decide to go hang out at his house.

When we get there I give him a lot of shit about his music selections, but
as I intended, Colin is completely unfazed, stating,

"Buddy, you haven't laughed until you've laughed at the lyrics of truly bad
pop music. I know you've got like your cheesy movie thing or whatever, and
I can be down with that, but you have GOT to start appreciating boy band
members solo projects and manufactured, poser punk. Not to mention the
seeming endless supply of long brown haired girls who play either the
guitar or the piano. It's life done right."

"I'm preparing myself to become one with the cheesy pop music, I' m reading
my heart to open itself to Justin Timberlake and Vanessa Carlton," he
smiles approvingly.

"There's hope for you yet."

After taking in almost the entire Justified (do I even have to point out
how hilarious it is he called his CD Justified?)  experience, we get down
to some serious talking. Somewhere between Cry Me a River and whatever, we
got into our current positions. Sitting back to back on his bed, leaning
against each other for support.

"So tell me about yourself, man," Colin instructs.

"What'd you wanna know?"

"Tell me about why you've been so sad. Does it have anything to do with
that Celery person whose name you've got tattooed on your wrist?"
Hmmm. Celery `person'. Does that mean he doesn't know I'm gay? Is he? Do I
want him to be?

"Just answer the question, man," he says calmly. "Don't freak out on me." I
take a breath.

"It has everything to do with Celery." I sigh, pushing up my sleeve to look
at my arm. Trace the letters in his name.

"We were best friends, all through elementary school and junior high. The
intense, exclusive, inseparable kind of friends. We always did everything
together. Even though we have really different interests. We found ways to
always share everything. He was always over at my house, because he has
this like totally non-existent family unit - a mother and stepfather who
honestly couldn't care less if he lived or died - except to consider how it
would affect their social standing. They're like pure evil. Anyway, we were
always really close. I was about 12 when I started to get feelings for him
that were less than platonic. I was in love with him, totally. I never
questioned it, though I wasn't exactly a picture of grace about the whole
thing."
 I'm quiet, half lost in memory, but Colin doesn't speak. He must get I
haven't stopped, just that I'm taking a break to collect myself a little.

"It was the natural course of events I guess. I mean, with how incredibly
close we were, that and my total and obvious gayness," I sigh, "I don't
have to ask if you're okay with that, do I?"

"No," It's weird but the way he says it, I know two things. One, that's
he's totally okay with it, and two, that's he's totally straight. It may
sound weird, but I just know.

"I didn't think so. Anyway, I spent 12 and on madly and secretly in love
with my best friend. And even though I was slowly coming to the realization
that he was going through the exact same thing, I never said anything."

"Until?"

"March of last year. I heard him say he loved me in his sleep, and that
combined with a very enlightening conversation I had with my older brother
was enough to finally get me off my chicken ass and I told him I was in
love with him."

"How'd he take it?"

"Practically burst into tears and told me the same."

"So why the sad? You talk about him with so much love in your voice, and
yet there's this bitter sweetness, this great big cloud of misery over all
of it. Did you break up?" Break up? Is that what we've done?

"No," to both of us. "He had to move, to Calgary. I miss him. I miss him so
much I can't function a lot of the time.  I worry my family and my other
friends, I shut myself off, feel nothing to avoid the pain. I was supposed
to be getting better, after he came to visit over Thanksgiving, but it all
came crashing down again this month once he left after Christmas break."

"That's when you were doing the pretend to be happy thing?"

"You could tell?"

"You're me. I knew what I was seeing was just a shadow of who you really
are. I was just afraid there wasn't going to be any way to restore you to
your former glory. But then yesterday you seemed to have come alive again,
it was like seeing you for the first time."

"He was supposed to come for a visit after exams this week..

"The light's gone off again."

"He isn't coming," the deadness creeps back into my voice.

"Why not?"

I still don't understand all of this, not really, but something about Colin
makes it easy to tell him.

"That's pretty fucked up." Colin concludes when I'm done.

"I know," I say in a desperate sort of way. "Do you think I'm being
insane?"

"I think I'd be feeling the exact same thing if I was in your place," I
laugh.

"That doesn't help me," I've already noticed that Colin does this thing
where he breathes audibly out of his nose before certain types of smiles,
and I hear one of those now.

"I'd say that for one thing I probably don't know enough about this
situation to really take a clear side or make judgments, but I will give
you my basic impression. As I see it, you're both acting the only way you
feel you're able, you in your inability to accept his reasons and Celery in
his while slightly skewed but genuine desire to make things better for you
and your whole family. Like you I'm not sure how it's possible for him to
continue to see himself as a burden or some kind of negative force in your
life, but I'm guessing it has something to do with how he was raised. So
clearly unwanted by the people who are supposed to care about him the most,
growing up somewhere the people make it common knowledge he's not welcome.
So I think I understand at least partly where each of you is coming from,
and I get your feelings and I' m not sure he's doing the right thing for
the totally right reasons, but that aside, I'm not sure if he's totally off
base."

"What?!"

"Steady. Don't go nuts. This is just my personal opinion, coming from the
world as I see it. The thing about me that makes me the most different from
you is that I'm alone and fundamentally you are not. At the moment you are
- physically at least - but you grew up your whole life in a unit,
experiencing life in a totally different way than I have.  You've chosen to
define yourself as a member of that unit instead of as an individual. I've
always been the opposite. I've been especially conscious and deliberate
about doing that since I got into public school for high school."

"Public schooling?" It's funny, we feel so comfortable together, and we're
talking as if we know one another, but really we don't yet.

"Yeah. I was home schooled up until that point. S'why I never listen in
class. I can't learn that way. I prefer to be independent and learn on my
own. My dad put me in public school because he thought I was too
introverted and wanted me to develop some like social skills but I kept
getting tossed."

"For what?"

"Same stuff I do here - listening to music in class, exhibiting what has
been referred to as an insubordinate, anarchist attitude to the teachers. I
was actually once given the boot for 'not integrating well with his fellow
classmates'. That was in grade nine. I never talked and to anyone really
and when I did, apparently I was a little hard to take," he says breezily.

"You?" I feign disbelief.

"Shut-up. Anyway, dear old dad finally found our school and was able to
make some special arrangements. I took most of 11 off after the first two
months and my expulsion from yet another fine institution of learning, but
dad wanted me to like, graduate with other people. Do the cap and gown,
thanks for the memories thing."

"Not the biggest fan of the idea?"

"It matters to him more than it does me. I know that basically he just
wants me to be happy, and it worries him I've never really shown as much
interest in friends my own age as I have in reading and listening in on
conversations crazy old people have in the library. As for the high school
experience, I'm not getting much out of it education- wise, but I do like
watching people. High school students can be highly entertaining."

"Yeah I guess we can be."

"I didn't mean you," I smile.

"It's okay. We understand each other. That's not just a one way thing,
don't forget." He grins, sheepish.

"I'm used to understanding people, watching them from a distance and
figuring them out. I'm not so used to getting that back," I reach my hand
backwards so I can squeeze his shoulder. No music is playing, and for
awhile we sit in silence.

"Not that I didn't find that all very interesting, but didn't we start off
talking about something else?"

"Yeah. Your stuff with Celery and the fact that he's opted out of the end
of January weekend of fun and your subsequent lack of communication."

"Oh yeah. And you were telling me you didn't think that was nearly as
insane as it so obviously is - and why."

"Right, right. It's all coming back to me now. Being independent, or
choosing to exist in a unit. I think depending on the person, both of these
can be good options. It's just, the choice I've made gives me a very
different perspective than you. The way I see it, it's important to know
yourself.  That's always been my like beef with intense high school
relationships. There's still so much growing and changing left for people
to do in their late teens, and I guess it's never really made sense to me
why people would go off and commit themselves to one person they felt close
to in a moment when they still had so much changing left to do. So that's
all I'm trying to say to you, Carrots, this could be a good time for both
of you to grow as individuals. If you really love each other, you should
still grow into a person the other will love and fit with. I certainly
don't think Celery is motivated in any other way."

"Maybe you're right, but I'm not really ready to stop being stupid and
stubborn about this yet. I know I'll have to eventually, but I'm not quite
ready to let these feelings go. I'm still so confused."

"The only way to truly figure anything out is to talk to him. That' s the
only way you'll stop misunderstanding each other and taking things the
wrong way," I sigh.

"It's not that I don't think you're right," he nods.

"Yeah. I know. You need time, just don't take too much, okay? Remember that
this is hurting both of you," he's known me like a day and the guy already
knows exactly what to say to get to me.

"This is kind of spooky," he smiles (and again I know this cause of the
nose thing), understanding what I mean.

"We'll get used to it," I smile too, though I'm not sure he has any similar
sort of way of knowing.

"Yeah. I guess we will. I want you to know that I'm like, really glad
you're--"

"Say no more."


---


Edited by Ed