Date: Sat, 23 Oct 2004 16:50:56 -0600 From: Karla Schulz Subject: Carrots and Celery Part Three Chapter 25 Ah. Being compared to a pedophile and accused of stealing calcium pills. These truly are the reasons why I treasure my relationship with my mother. Feel free to ignore my tendency to overshare and enjoy the chapter. Home of the loon... --- We talk in circles for a few hours more, until I realize somewhere along the way I've agreed to stay for a week and decide Jonas and Kyle have languished in the dark long enough. Celery, for his part, is excited and terrified about seeing them. Just the same, he gives me space to do what I want, leaving the room as I call. Kyle answers. "How's it going?" He asks cautiously. "Fantastically." Oh sarcasm, my dear, dear friend. "Are you okay?" "I think..." I sigh. "Maybe. But, yeah, the reason I'm calling is cause he wants to see you and Jonas -- do you think you could come over?" "Sure, of course! You're alright with...?" "Yeah. I mean, obviously. I know he's not... I'm not the only one he matters to." "We'll be right over yeah?" "Okay." "I love you bro, stay strong." I almost smile at that. "Bye Kyle." Celery returns shortly after the call ends and we sit in silence until Jonas and Kyle arrive. In a miraculously inspired moment, he suggests I go out and talk to them by myself first. "Thanks." Grateful to a ridiculous extent to have been granted an opportunity to collect myself and regroup slightly. Kyle hugs me as soon as he exits the Le Baron and though I wasn't expecting it, I realize it's exactly what I needed. Jonas hangs back and simply smiles encouragingly. It's enough. "We love you Carrots." Jonas tells me, like he's raising their banner in my defense. I tilt my head no. "I don't want this to be a gang up. What he's done to me... what we've done to each other... I can take care of myself is all. I want this to be... I just want things to be okay for a little while." They smile. "Ready to go back in?" Kyle asks, leaving the rest unsaid. I nod. Celery is hovering in his doorway and there's a lot of meaningful eye contact avoidance going on for the first couple minutes when we get inside. Then Kyle approaches Celery and pulls him into a hard, fiercely angry hug. "Never pull that shit again, hear me? You think just cause things with you and him are going wrong that means we don't love you anymore? That we don't care and worry and all of that? Huh?" He jabs Celery a little. "He's not the only one who's loved you since you were fucking six years old. You're my little brother." Celery pulls Kyle back into a closer hug at this and I love them both perfectly in this moment. Jonas and Celery's coming together is slightly different. When Kyle finally let's go Jonas approaches Celery slowly, knowing it's his turn. They bite lips and stare at each other but before Jonas can find what he's looking for or decide what to say Celery sees something else in Jonas and initiates a protective hug. "I'm sorry," He whispers, in a way that makes me certain he's not talking about us. Jonas laughs hollowly. "Yeah well. Me too. But there's nothing either of us can do about it." Celery nods, and Kyle and I share a look of utter confusion. "Jo?" Kyle finally inquires meekly. "It's okay Kyle," Jonas responds automatically. "It's nothing you don't know about." This seems to clue him in, leaving me alone in the dark. "You guys want some time?" Kyle's question of Jonas and Celery surprises me, but they nod. Celery has an arm around Jonas's shoulders as they start to turn away from us. Celery stops to glance back at Kyle and ask, "Are we okay man?" Kyle nods and Celery smiles a little. "Okay." That's all and seconds later they're both gone behind his door. I look at Kyle blankly and he nods his head at the front door. We exit the house and sit down on the concrete steps. I want to ask him what's going on with Jonas, but I have no idea how. Silence reigns for a very long time. "I forgot about that." Kyle murmurs eventually. "What?" "Them -- the way they are with each other. The way they protect and understand each other in a way neither of us get. The way he belonged to Celery first." I simply nod, and we're quiet again. "What do you think they're talking about?" I ask after a time. "Well, I don't want to go all egotistical and say they're talking about us..." "Oh they're SO talking about us." Kyle smirks, taking heed of my tone. "He nailed you on the equal opportunity secrecy thing didn't he?" "Busted cold." He chuckles humorlessly. "I'm here to tell you Carrots, I'm impressed." Kyle says, shaking his head. "Turning happiness into the thing to have a nuclear relationship meltdown about? Not just anyone can manage that." "We have a special skill." Nodding. "Mind you, I just recently convinced my boyfriend to trash his relationship with his parents -- possibly permanently -- to go on a half-cocked cross-country road trip with my lunatic little brother, so I shouldn't talk." "It must run in the family." "If that's the case, then we got it from our parents, and they're still going strong." He points out with something resembling hope. "That's only because we've lit up their lives so much." "You're probably right. Of course, if the answer is having a lot of children -- I think we're both screwed." "Damn." "Joking at least partly aside, you and Celery? Is that... I mean, you talked, right?" I shrug. "There was talking, also yelling and crying." And some other stuff we'll just leave alone for now. "But the resolution was that we're going to try. I'm not really sure how or what we're going to do, but trying was definitely agreed upon." "That's good," I don't reply, "Isn't it?" "I hope so. It's something anyway. I'm just not sure if it's enough." "Well it's a start at least?" I nod. "Yeah. I just hope it's not going to be another false one." "I get details sometime later eh? I mean, I'll put up with the glossing over for now but..." "Yeah. Later definitely. It's too fresh right now, I'm too raw." I shake my head. "Some of it... hating him was almost a possibility for a minute there Kyle, and I didn't even know there was a place inside me for that." Kyle's only answer is the hand he briefly places on my shoulder. "But enough, for once, about me. What about you? Stuff with Jonas -- I've missed something there, haven't I?" Finally having worked up the courage to approach the subject. Nodding, Kyle answers, "There's been... distance. Since everything with his parents. He's taking it all a lot harder than he lets on or I'm sometimes able to understand. He hasn't been letting me in enough to try and make it better, and I don't know if I'd be able to if he did." He shrugs. "Plus, there's a lot of pressure you know? I mean, to make things good because like... it's gotta be worth it you know?" "Kyle," Gentle reproach in my voice. "I'm sure he's not thinking about it like that." Shrugging again, "Yeah, but I am. Which is enough for both of us. I mean, he's seriously if not permanently damaged his relationship with his parents like -- for ME. Which is ridiculous, when you think about it." I smile. "Not so ridiculous, really." Kyle dismisses the teasing reassurance with a wave of his hand. "They're his PARENTS Carrots. That means stuff for him not even I fully get." "Parents are tricky," doing a little nodding action of my own. "But he trusted you enough to get this far, and he came here with us, even though he knew the repercussions. He chose YOU." "Which was either the first step to get back to the way we were or the worst thing that ever happened to our relationship. I'm honestly not sure which." "Yours came with you -- mine RAN from me. I'm still winning." Kyle laughs, short but genuinely. "What do you think it would do to either of our chances if they knew we were keeping score?" "You gonna tell them?" "No." "Then I don't see a problem." Kyle raises his eye brows teasingly, "A situation Carrots Vasskez can't find anything to angst about in?" I sigh. "There are plenty of problems." My tone turning serious again. I've been hitting the reverse Shanghi a lot lately, breaking the light and humorous mood with serious melancholy. Maybe it's all the death cab. "They're not bigger than us, I think we've all started to disbelieve that a bit, but if we pay attention, we can help each other come back from that." "I didn't even notice you guys cracking..." "So start noticing Carrots. We need you to -- YOU need you to." "Can I start by listening?" An only marginally reluctant smile. Kyle and I are still okay. "Ask and you shall receive." I take a moment, thinking about things that make Kyle distinct. Things that matter and affect him outside of Jonas. Outside of me. "How's everything with school? The whole University scene," I know enough to guess it hasn't all been sunshine and roses. Coming out at school, the masses of high school friends to suddenly explain a mellow eclectic male love interest to. "Nothing much has changed, since I first started talking about it, started brining him around. The people who were cool with it immediately still are, and the ones who couldn't handle it I haven't really tried to convince. It sucks a bit, obviously, cause these were people I always cared about, but there weren't many big surprises. The core people remained. And really, it's not like I'm all that different. It took awhile for them to get fully acquainted with it yeah, but then they realized that Jonas fits exactly with the guy I've always been. His gender is secondary for them, just like it is for me." "So you haven't started frequenting the GLBT centre and participating in the Drag Shows?" Kyle laughs. "No. But I'm not hiding anything, which maybe I was a little at first." He admits it calmly, the issue already accepted, the guilt and anger dealt with and put aside. I remember several loud fights about it. Kyle didn't announce his new relationship as promptly as Jonas, even after the Dairy Queen event with Julie. Jonas was less than thrilled when he realized this. But as Kyle's tone reflects, they've put it behind them. With everything going on with his parents, they have bigger fish to fry. "You think maybe they're not talking about us?" Kyle smiles. "I think they're probably talking about them. We're a part of that." "Is Jonas okay?" Cause none of this has really made that clear for me. "Yeah. Like I said about all of us, he'll be okay if he lets himself, and we're going to be there to make sure he does." "Does anyone know what the hell is up with the twins?" "No. Or, Jonas maybe, but he's not talking." "But it's not... I mean, it's serious maybe, but not like, deadly, right? We'd know about that?" "Sure. Yeah. Maybe." "That's very comforting Kyle." "I honestly don't know what's up with them lately. I've noticed a lot of weird stuff and I haven't been aware enough to notice much. You're not the only one who can get trapped under his own issues." "That's slightly more comforting, in a depressing way." "I try." "Do they, I mean, I seem to vaguely recall them looking up to me once. Both of us." "Yeah. I think they're over that now." "They said something about Braden right?" I don't know much about the kid beyond his association with my brothers. He likes the things they do and presumably shares their sense of humor (the laughter levels coming from the twins room are always especially loud when he's over) but that's about it. "Right. Could be anything, if it's just a he's-our-friend-and-thus-we-worry thing. I don't know though... the way Jonas seemed to understand without them saying much makes me think it's some weird twin thing." "Well, they are closer to him, maybe they'd already talked to him about it." Kyle shrugs. "Could be." "What about Kara?" "You mean, is she okay?" "Yeah." "I think... I think she's 11. That sucks." I tilt my head back in remembrance, and then grimace. "It totally does." "Other than that, I have no clue. Her and mom still talk lots though I think, so I assume she's alright." "But we shouldn't have to right? Just assume?" Kyle sighs, and offers no answer. Then the door is opening and Jonas scores another point for convenient timing. They've been crying I think, but now Celery and Jonas stand united, Celery's arm resting on Jonas's shoulders the way it used to be so at home on mine. Why is it that everyone is suddenly more comfortable around him than me? Kyle has tensed slightly, not at the intimacy being expressed between them but at my potential reaction to it. Strange that the four of us may become combatants. Frowns are now so easy to form. "Miss us?" Jonas wins again. Celery blinks. Not the only one who wasn't expecting the defensiveness in Jonas's voice. I'm sure there'd been a plan about not taking side. I might even have been a part of it. "We're not doing this." Kyle says evenly getting up and brushing his hands against his jeans. No one protests, and by this passive silence everyone agrees. Jonas leaves Celery's side and takes his place on Kyle's left, their hands meeting automatically. I'm slower, but I find Celery's waist in time enough and slip my arm around it. I feel more real once his hand comes to curve around my shoulder, arm draped along my blades. "Let's play Mexican Train." Comes Celery's seemingly random suggestion. Because, you know, if there's anything my life has been seriously missing lately, it's Family Fucking Game Night. And the horribly, horribly shameful part is that that wasn't entirely sarcastic. "What the devil is that?" I demand, and am reunited with both Jonas and Kyle, as they share my confusion. You'll notice I didn't saying something along the lines of, "what the hell are you talking about?! Now is not the time for confusingly titled games!" "It's like Dominos on crack -- trust me, it's great." He's all big eyed and earnest. I think I'm supposed to be angry with him and confused, but what I'm doing instead is melting into a soppy little metaphorical puddle. Mexican Train it is then. And yes, children, Mexican Train IS like Dominos on crack. This still isn't that insane of course, because you're still starting with DOMINOS, but what I've found after playing it for the past three hours is that it gets absurdly addictive the longer you play. So it's like crack in that respect also I suppose. My favourite part though is that through the rhythm of the game, we've found the rhythm of being together. Not me and Celery, we're not there yet, and if Jonas and Kyle were to leave I'm sure we'd end up floundering again, but the four of us have found our footing together. We're remembering how to be, and it's really quite wonderful. I might have even said magical, but then I would have been forced to make fun of myself. We tease each other and shout random accusations of cheating and there's a great deal of kicking going on under the kitchen table. More than once, in the flow of the game it seems completely natural to drop kisses on Celery's cheek or drop my hand to rest it on his knee while I'm concentrating on building my train. The goodness is such that it doesn't even go away after Saul comes home and finds us all sitting around the kitchen table shouting at each other and rapidly placing colored plastic tiles in their appropriate positions. I'll admit that it diminishes slightly, at least initially, when I bristle and momentarily want to locate sharp objects, but then it's my turn again, and I'm mostly distracted by such thoughts. When that stops distracting me, I calm myself the good old fashioned way, which would naturally be by distancing myself from the situation and imagining how everything must look to him instead of obsessing about how it feels for me. I imagine we look like exactly what we are. Which is brothers. In moments like this, when it's the four of us, everything else has a habit of going away for awhile. The fact that some of us also happen to be lovers goes and sits in another room. Alliances shift and familiarity comes in different forms. If I say something, Celery may understand it best but Kyle will accept it first, and if a strange look briefly shutters Jonas's eyes, Kyle may notice it before anyone else, but Celery will be the only one who knows why it was there at all. But mostly we're too busy laughing and taunting each other for heavy words and hidden looks. As brothers we worry less about whether or not me and Celery will get back to the way we were or the ways Jonas's parents rejection is causing him and Kyle to come undone. The security of these bonds is separate from the other types of love we share, less fragile and so it's the rock we're all happily clinging to. To Saul, who loves someone none of us know or have even met (I think I might have glimpsed him once in the first grade) I suppose seeing us like this must be very strange. We've found our old rhythm and so naturally we've also found our language, which is refining itself seamlessly as the evening progresses, as we catch each other up on our new experiences and pet loves. I accept that "It's like ordering take out -- you know you're going to get it" is a perfectly legitimate thing to say and Celery is the last one of us to be subjected to having a finger pointed at us while Kyle says, "Consider the imperative" in answer to a question. And thinking about all that is more than enough, especially considering that I'm only thinking about it a tiny bit of the time, as my attention remains primarily captured by the thrills of Mexican Train. Again, a disappointing lack of sarcasm there. Still, there were things I didn't prepare myself for. Like Saul's mother. She bustles in late that evening, not seeming to notice or care that there are several strangers gathered around her kitchen table playing the crack version of dominos while her son looks on, leaning against the counter of her kitchen. She murmurs a hello to Celery that seems to be extended to all and sundry and is on her way to open the fridge when she catches the look on Celery's face out of the corner of her eye and does a double-take. She stares, after that, for a long moment at the space between us, and the looks in both our eyes. At the end of it, her attention focuses solely on me, and she sighs grimly, as if everything is suddenly clear to her and the picture isn't entirely pretty. I shift uneasily under her intense scrutiny, feeling inadequate in my ripped jeans and faded Weakerthans T-shirt and defensive because of it. I also have to fight a blush, knowing Celery had left marks on me my shabby clothing didn't fully hide. It's the first time it occurs to me that if she sees them, Jonas and Kyle had probably noticed them as well. I flush slightly, losing that battle. "These are John's brothers mom," Saul supplies; even she's clearly guessed this already. She nods before responding. "I've heard so many wonderful things about each of you," There's a genuine and warm smile suddenly framing her face, making her look much less threatening, and I allow myself to relax slightly. "Can I guess that you're Carrots?" She says to me with the same infuriating confidence my mother has spoken with countless times. I understand a bit better why Celery feels so at home here. "That's me," I say after swallowing my remaining anxiety away, and get up to awkwardly shake her hand. "And you assured me you were the shy one," She teases, looking at Celery. He makes my blushing of several seconds ago slightly less shameful by his own colored cheeks. "I am, it's just the attempt at politeness, its throwing him off his game." Saul's mother laughs and I reward Celery with a sharp kick, which she also seems to approve of. "And I'm afraid I can't claim super human mother instinct on these ones either, but I'll guess that you are the legendary Kyle?" Kyle looks downright alarmed at the title, but he nods easily enough. "That's me. It's um, nice to meet you?" She chuckles a bit at the way his voice formed a question without meaning to, and keeps the resulting smile on her lips. "I hope so -- I for one have waited a long time to see the people I've spent so many nights sitting at this table hearing about." Celery carefully avoids my searching look, but I'm soon distracted, watching as Saul's mother brings her focus lastly to Jonas. "The lack of family resemblance and dreads give me away don't they?" He asks with something resembling a grin. "I'm afraid so," She says with an answering grin. "The purple eyes help as well." She adds eventually. "I hardly ever even wear the contacts anymore." Jonas defends himself, but comfortably. "Stop being so rude mother," Saul suddenly cuts in. "You know all about them and they don't even know your name yet." For a moment, she almost looks flustered. "That is rude, you're quite right my son. I am, beyond being Saul's devoted mother," He snorts with affection, "A person in my own right, with my very own name. Which happens to be Sandy." "I like the S theme." I say, nodding. We'll see who's the shy one. "Do you?" Her eyes are merry. "I'm glad. I do as well. Actually, I was so fond of it that I had to divorce Saul's father." I blink. "His name was Harold you see." She shakes her head. "It didn't fit at all." "While we're doing introductions," Saul cuts in again, something I'm grateful for this time, as I didn't have a clue as to how to respond to Sandy's last comment, though I was initially tempted to laugh. "I know I've been kind of lurking and that by way of logical assumption you've both already guessed who I am, but just to say it, I'm Saul, officially." "Hi Saul," Kyle says with a look that I know is mostly about me, and probably isn't going to do much to ease the remaining tension in the room, but I appreciate it anyway. "Hi Kyle," Saul says with something resembling warmness. Jonas nods and Saul does likewise and that's the sum of their introduction. "I see you three have been brought over to the dark side," Sandy's rather gleeful voice fills the silence, nodding towards the dominos spread across the table. "You're going to demand partial credit aren't you?" Celery groans. "Naturally! I was the one who first convinced you to play was I not?" Celery rolls his eyes are her tone. "Yes you did. You were right, I was wrong. You're smarter than me, be smug." "I will thanks." She says, well, smugly. "I still can't believe you collected on that bet." Saul joins the conversation, shaking his head. Before I can ask, `what bet', Celery has launched into an explanation. "Sandy was always trying to get me to play, and I was always refusing, mostly because," He turns to me, "Do you remember the time we played regular dominos with your dad? I think he was his birthday or something, and we finally caved after he'd been harassing us to play for months?" I remember. It was horrible. "Anyway, because I figured this was just like MORE dominos, I kept saying no. But, eventually insomnia and the promise of hot chocolate won the day and I agree to play. Still a skeptic, but Sandy bet me that I would be totally addicted in no more than three games." He shrugs. "I lost in one." "What was the bet?" Kyle asks. Sandy throws her head back and laughs. "He had to play in a Mexican Train tournament at the centre I work at." Celery shudders at the memory. "It was filled with old Mennonite men." "You won didn't you?!" She protests. "Yes I won," Celery admits tiredly, but there's a joyful spark in his eyes. "And I made some friends." "Volunteers there every Sunday now," Sandy says proudly. "Yeah mom, he's a prince among men." I raise my eye brow and Sandy claps her hands together. "I think that's enough teasing banter for the evening, shouldn't at least one of you go to school tomorrow?" Implying, I'm guessing, that if that's so, they should be getting to bed, as it's rather late. "I'm taking a flex week." Saul provides and Celery simply shrugs. This is apparently enough to satisfy Sandy. "Well, not all of us can be lay-abouts, and seeing as its late and my morning early, I'll say good night to you now children." I barely have time to register the Royal Tennenbaum quote before Sandy is tapping Saul and Celery on their heads by way of farewell, smiling parting towards Jonas, Kyle and I and is out the door. Saul shrugs. "She's like that." Which I suppose is meant to explain something, but I don't really know what. Before the silence can get heavy Celery takes my hand and holds it naturally which is better than anything he might have said to fill it up. Jonas and Kyle take to leaning against each other and I can't help the victorious feeling I feel in the pit of my stomach at the dynamics of our group, Saul standing alone. "I may not have to get up early, but I still like sleep, so I think I'm going to go get some." Saul announces not quite abruptly, but apropos of nothing. "We'll see about doing something tomorrow eh?" Celery questions lazily. "Rally the troops or whatever?" It's almost a concession to Saul, but I don't mind it, because such a plan has already been discussed between us. "Sure." Saul nods. "Well, good night everybody." That's it for Saul and it's the brothers Vasskez and their compatriots along in the kitchen once more. Having maintained myself this long, I'm feeling exhausted and going to bed, quite possibly with Celery, sounds way too good to pass up. "Bed?" This question goes out to the one I love. A sort of quiet happiness settles over Celery's features and he nods. "Back to the hotel for us then eh Jo?" Kyle slides the concept by Jonas. "Yeah, that sounds about right." Jonas answers mid yawn, stretching slightly in anticipation. Celery protests, "You guys could stay... I mean, there's my floor, or the couch?" He seems fully aware of the unattractiveness of this offer, but determined to make it genuinely anyway. "No thanks." Kyle's verbal response is backed up by Jonas's facial expression. Following this the expected and appropriate farewells are exchanged but as they start to actually leave, I panic slightly and so blurt out, "I'll walk you guys out," I offer Celery's hand a parting squeeze, diligently avoid eye contact and dash after Jonas and Kyle. Safely on the outside of the front door, Jonas and Kyle smile sympathetically. "You guys are really cool with leaving?" The need for something to say. "Oh yeah." Kyle nods positively. "We really need to go to our bed... cling to each other for awhile and promise nothing like this will ever happen to us." An empty smile coming form and meaning nothing forms on my lips, "Right, well, have fun with that." "We shall." After Kyle and Jonas are gone I return inside and Celery and I go silently into his room. Wordless we remain as we go through the necessary motions to get ready for bed. When the lights are out however, sleep doesn't follow and soon we're sitting up in his bed in the dark, waiting for the other to say something to relieve the tension or add to it enough to garner a response. Never one for patience, nor very successful at winning a silence contest with Celery, I speak first. "You love them." I figure, if I'm going to be the one, we might as well start off with a bang. Celery doesn't rise to the possible bait, but nods slowly. "Yeah. I guess I do." "And they love you. Separate and independent of me. So you got what you wanted. You matter to people I don't. You can be someone who doesn't need or depend on me. Where does that leave us?" He finds my hand in the d ark, and holds it tightly. "I'm trying to find a way to reconcile these two lives I've been leading, to find a way that they can fit instead of warring against each other. I'd like if at all possible to have my cake and eat some of it too. And I'm asking you for the time to try to make that work. But all I NEED, what's bottom line essential and always has been -- no matter what the hell people call me -- is you. We do this on your terms. What you want, what you need, what you're comfortable with. All I want is for us to be US again. Everything else is just gravy." It's extremely tempting to be won over by such an impassioned (and I do believe genuine) speech, but I don't want to make promises in the dark I can't keep in the light of day. So I squeeze his hand, drawing him down into a lying position with me. I kiss his forehead and our eyes meet in the darkness. "We'll just take it one day at a time okay? I'm staying, we're trying. Who knows what tomorrow will bring." Celery nods and returns mine with a forehead kiss of his own. "Good night Carrots."