Date: Thu, 07 Aug 2003 17:09:05 -0500 From: Karla Schulz Subject: Carrots and Celery Part Three CHapter Two Hey look. It's another chapter already. Go figure. Maybe you'd like to read it. --- "Hello?" His voice sounds weird, like he's confused. Which is weird, 'cause I'm the only one who ever calls him on his cell. "Hey, Cel," I say. "Carrots?" Um, yeah. "Yeah, who'd you think it was?" This is very weird. "Well, I didn't know. It said T Mackie on my caller ID," right, 'cause I'm at Kaleb's. Of course. "Oh yeah, that's 'cause I'm calling from Kaleb's house." "What?" sounding a bad mix of worried and upset. "Why?" "It's um, like a long story. But, mostly it's 'cause I ran out of the house and like roamed the streets until I was half frozen to death and decided since I wasn't ready to go home I'd kick it over to Kaleb's house." There's a long pause as Celery digests what I've just told him. "Are you okay?" "Yeah, or no. I don't know." "Baby, you have to explain yourself better than that," I love his trying to sound calm while panicking tone. And by love I naturally mean hate. "Well like," I don't know where to start. It's so much harder telling him. Admitting I've basically been lying to him, that I've failed us. A few more seconds of this and I'm going to start to cry. "Baby?" Well, not surprisingly, that does it. I start wailing into the phone, to the panicked pleadings of Celery for me to stop. I do eventually. "Sorry, I... I'm like really messed up right now," I say once I' ve gotten myself together marginally. "I'm not doing so great myself at the moment," he remarks dryly. I chuckle sadly. "Really? Whatever for?" "Care," he says warningly. I do my millionth sigh of the day. "Sorry, again. Look, the simple fact is I've been incredibly pissed off and depressed since you left and I've only been faking the whole happiness, doing okay thing. I've really missed you and we haven' t even been talking much and I don't really understand why and I' ve just been really upset and sad lately. Jonas finally called me on it today when he figured out I wasn't even listening to what Kyle and him were talking about and only laughing in the right places 'cause I heard they were. But instead of dealing with them I ran out of the house. I walked around for ages until like I said I was freezing cold and I needed to warm up. I went to Kaleb's house and we talked for awhile and he got me to call you 'cause he's a really good guy who for some reason puts up with my crap and is somehow able to understand my fucked up brain. So that's the whole story. I'm sorry if I wasn't able to just blurt that out the second after you picked up the phone," I wait for him to say something, but honestly, if that outburst surprised him half as much as it did me, it's going to be awhile before Celery responds. "Hunh," he says finally, in a strangely light tone. "So in retrospect, the whole denial, just having fun and refusing to try to deal with our inevitable feelings after my departure... maybe not the best idea?" I laugh, out of surprise and a bunch of far more complicated emotions. "I think you nailed that one right on the head, sweet one." "And here I was afraid it was only me," this is just too fucking ironic. I just know a whole wack of people are having a big laugh at me somewhere. "You too, huh?" "Oh yeah. The worry that you weren't calling because you were doing great and not even thinking about me. The insecurities, the emptiness, the feeling like death, the outward acting okay, I've done it all." "So what this all boils down to is that we're both incredibly stupid," I can almost feel his smile through the phone. "That about sums it up, yes." "We're really never going to learn, are we?" "No, no, probably not," again with the warm almost amused vibes coming my way. "Oh man. I've been a total loser since you left, I've got some like serious apologizing to do," I say ruefully, remembering Jonas and Kyle. Make that and everyone else too. "What about me?" He feigns hurt. I smile. I wish he could see it. But maybe he can feel it. "I'm sorry, sweet one," I really am too. Serious and kidding at the same time. "I know. Me too, baby," the exact way. "So what are we going to do about it?" And that's the hard part, right? Actually acting differently after we're hung up the phone and have to go back to separate living again. It stumps him for awhile, and I'm not exactly alive with ideas myself. "I guess we just do like we did before, but actually mean it this time. We do the `and if at first you don't fricassee, fry, fry again' thing," that's from a really old book. I don't even remember what it's called, but it's from back in the day, and this kid has to recite the real thing, but his older brother tells him that fake one to help him remember or maybe just to joke around (I can't remember which) but in the end all the kid can remember is the fake one. Anyway, you probably weren't looking for that long an explanation, but that's not my problem. "Do y'think we need to make a pact?" That gets a chuckle. "Just honestly tell me you'll try and I'll believe you." "You'll say the same thing?" "Yep." "And we have to mean it?" "Yes, baby," he says with amusement and love. "There's going to be a whole lot of frying again," I caution. "I know. But, two weeks is enough," that sounds familiar. "That's what Kyle said." "Well, Kyle's a smart guy." "Yeah I'll be sure to tell him he's finally tricked someone into thinking so." "You just radiate brotherly love." "You know it." "Baby?" "Yeah?" "You're going to try?" I steel myself to answer. I search my heart to make sure I can truly reply honestly. "Yes," a sigh of relief escapes Celery. "Good. I promise too." "I believe you." "You get that I want to be holding you right now, right?" "Almost as much as you get I want the same thing, right?" "Right." "I love you so much, Celery, I don't know how I almost let myself lose sight of that," starting to feel the return of the crying mood of a few minutes ago. "I love you too, Care, and I think the losing sight thing may have something to do with your insanity," I breathe out a short laugh at that. "Razor sharp insight as always, my love." "It's what I'm famous for," ever the modest one. "It's why you're a legend," I follow along. "Tell me something, baby," he says, cutting out that vein of thinking. "Do I owe this call to Kaleb?" Despite his even tone, I cringe a little. "Yes," my eternally honest nature forces me to reply. Don't even think about snickering. Yeah, that's right. I saw you. "You should get him over here so I can thank him," my relief is immense, and I smile big because of it. "I'm glad you're not mad." "I can't be mad at any situation where I get to talk to you out of the deal." "This must be how you got me in bed so fast," I reflect. " 'Cause you're such a smooth talker." "Fast! I don't think so. 11 years, remember?" I grin. "Oh yeah." "Seriously though, give him my thanks, okay?" "Does this mean we have to say goodbye now so I can go thank him for us?" "I think maybe there are some things you need to do, baby," he reminds me gently. "Okay," I sigh. "But, I'm calling you again later, okay?" "No. I don't want to talk to you anymore." "Real funny. Like, take that show on the road." I pout. "Love you, baby." "Me too, so, um, like, bye?" "Until later, when you call me again." "Alright, I'm kissing you in my mind'" "Just kissing?" "Shut-up," I whine through the blush he can't see but will probably still know is there. "Bye, baby, I love you." "Love you too, bye," with difficulty, I hang up. I go searching for Kaleb and find him listening to music in his room. Under headphones, back against his wall, eyes closed, feet swinging vaguely to the rhythm. I've never really told you what Kaleb looks like, have I? Aside from his troublesome hotness, that is. Well, there's definitely that. He's just your regular guy when it comes to height, five 8 or 9, and he's not built or anything, but he's, uh, nicely shaped. And he's got a killer face. Pretty dark, almost black hair and sort of permanently tanned skin, but then his blue eyes come out of nowhere and you can't help but stare at him. Which, in case you hadn't guessed, is exactly what I'm doing right now. "Hey, dude," he greets me mellowly, taking off the `phones and turning off his tape player. "Hi," I say, almost but thankfully not quite blushing. "So did you guys sort stuff out?" I grin. A real grin and everything. "Yeah, and he told me to tell you thanks," he raises an eyebrow. "Thanks? Not – tell him to keep his dirty paws off my boyfriend?" "Celery's not like that," I protest, even though I'm pretty sure he was just goofing around. He smiles. "I know, but you have to admit - he's insane when it comes to protecting you," I shrug. "You're not wrong." "Don't sound so surprised," I roll my eyes. "What's up with the tape player?" I ask, deciding it's time we got off this topic. This topic being me. "I didn't think there was anyone left in the world who listened to tapes except maybe in their cars," he puts a hand defensively over his, well, I guess it's like a boom box. "I happen to love tapes. Sure you have rewind them and that's like the most annoying thing ever, and sure the quality's way better on CDs, but tapes are about like memories, you know? Like, someone makes you a mix CD and it's like, `okay, they filled in a bunch of songs, and downloaded them while they were like, out having fun' or something. But you get a mix TAPE and you know real time and thought went into it. Like, you've seen High Fidelity, right?" I laugh. "Yeah," I love that movie. "So you should understand why I still believe in tapes. And records, records are very cool," I notice just then that he's actually got a record player on his floor. I sigh the sigh of someone giving up. "Okay, I know. CDs are for losers, but I'm just not like pure enough or whatever for tapes and records. I like my easy modern conveniences." "And that's cool, to each his own, dude." This is all pretty strange. I mean, just, feeling normal. Acting normal and even happy, and like, meaning it. Strange, but I can't say I hate it. "Welcome back, man," Kaleb says, breaking up my little mind vacation. I smile at him. "Thanks." "You should get home," he says more seriously. I nod. "I know. There's a lot of pissed off, worried people wondering where I am right now." "So go, let 'em know. Want a ride?" A ride? "Sure," I say, grinning at the idea of not having to walk back in the dark and cold. "Okay then, lettuce go." "Lame, man," I say, shaking my head and following him out of the room. "Whatever, vegetable boy," Kaleb replies calmly, not even turning his head back to look at me. Kaleb takes a short cut back to my house I never knew existed that could have saved me at least 5 minutes of freezing my ass off walking to his house, and I grouse about it the entire way home. "You're the most annoying passenger I've ever had," he informs me cheerfully as I'm undoing my seat belt. I smile. "Thanks," that's when I realize that if we're in the driveway, it means the Le Baron isn't. Which means it's gone. Not good. I sigh. "Gonna sneak in through the back?" Kaleb asks and suggests. Now there's a good idea. "Yeah, I can get to my room that way," I just don't think I can handle the walk of shame right now. "Okay, dude, good luck," I smile gratefully. "Thanks - for like, all of it. The ride, before at your house... thanks a lot," he shrugs. "Just being a friend." I give his shoulder a gentle parting slug and exit the car. I go through the gate into the backyard and manage to climb up to the balcony without killing myself (though there were a few close calls). I spend about five minutes just sitting on my bed before taking one of those `face the music' breaths and making my way to Kyle' s apartment. I figure at least one of them still has to be there. The door's not locked, and I let myself in without knocking. Jonas is pacing around the space which basically amounts to the front-hall, and when he sees me his emotions pass across his face. Surprised, relieved, and finally a little pissed off. All totally understandable, valid reactions. "Hey," I greet him quietly. "Where's Kyle?" "Out in the Le Baron, driving around, looking for you," I nod. "That's what I thought." "Where the hell'd you go, Carrots?" he asks none too gently. I sigh and walk over to the couch, sitting down. He joins me, face softening slightly. "I'm really sorry," seemed like a good way to start. Seeing as I am and all. "I've been like the biggest loser since Celery left - and I guess I mean all the way back from the first time really. I just don't know how to get my act together without him. I can' t ever seem to truly get used to functioning in my life if he's not around. I'm not even sure I know who I am beyond him. I'm just the guy who loves Celery, you know? I've always been happy to have that define me but now that he's not around, I don't know how to BE. But like, I don't want to be making all these excuses all night so you'll feel sorry for me and not like hold me accountable for my actions. I've been a shithead and I need to make up for that, I'm just not sure... I mean, I'll try and everything." "I know," Jonas says, suddenly putting his arm around my shoulders, and gives me the old one-armed hug. We're a matched set of sad smiles. "This has all been harder for you than I think any of us can even imagine. I'm guessing there are reasons for that that we don't even know about - maybe that you don't even fully understand yourself. I don't think you'll find anyone who expects you to just suddenly be perfect and happy all of the time - we just want you to be honest with us. And let us help you and like be there for you when you fall. And also, we just want to be your friends, you know? You're my brother and I love you. I miss you." It's weird the way I didn' t realize I missed him too until just now. Jonas, Kyle, everyone. Most of me is taken up missing Celery, but I've got a whole nother kind of missing going on for all of them. Jonas is grinning, 'cause I think he knows he's gotten through. "How do you get inside my head so good, dude?" I ask him, shaking my head a little. He does the proud beam thing. "Sheer brilliance and a heart of gold," I laugh, and it's not one of those fake so as to not arouse suspicion ones either. It feels so good on my throat. "That's what I thought it was," I say seriously once I'm done laughing. Kyle returns about 20 minutes later, looking ragged and distraught. A lot of mostly unreadable emotions flood his eyes when he first sees me and he just stands there staring dumbly, wordless. "It's okay," Jonas tells him calmingly. "We've been working stuff out," Kyle processes this, and eventually starts to relax some. He comes over to sit with us on the couch. "Where were you?" That's something I never got around to answering Jonas. "Mostly walking, but when the fact that I was freezing started to be a problem I went over to Kaleb's," this doesn't go over well with either of them, that's clear by the looks on their faces. "Just to talk," I assure, even though that should be obvious. "And anyway, basically all he did was let me vent some and then made me call Celery," Kyle's eyes widen and Jonas also seems surprised. "Really?" he asks, sounding slightly suspicious. I nod. "Really." "So you and Celery talked?" Kyle asks in that wanting to be hopeful tone. I nod again. "Yeah, we got some stuff out in the open. It was just so stupid mostly, you know? All the past two weeks. Somehow our idiot brains had us tricked into believing the other one didn't care or some such nonsense, that's a lot of what was getting me down so much." They respond to that little admission with looks of utter disbelief. "You lied to us all by pretending to be fine while you were dying inside 'cause you actually convinced yourself Celery didn't miss you?" Jonas says like he can't believe what he's heard. "Yeah. I know. Don't worry, I know," Kyle pats my shoulder. "I don't know anyone who lets their old habits die as hard, little brother, but at least you're finally getting with it," I smile. "Thanks for not being too pissed." He shrugs. "I was, but mostly just 'cause I was so like scared and stuff." "Same here," Jonas jumps on the bandwagon. "I'm sorry for this afternoon, but like, I'm sorry for the whole two weeks, you know? I feel like I've missed a lot of stuff with you guys even though I was like 'there' when most of it was happening," I sigh, feeling and probably looking kind of sheepish, "If you don't think it'd make you all pissed off again, do you think you guys could like, fill me in on what's been going on lately?" They smile. "We could probably be persuaded." After about an hour of catch up, I'm pretty blown away. Apparently I missed two fights (one of them real and the other a joke), Alex breaking up with his Transcona girlfriend, Brian joining choir for some reason that I think has to do with a girl but still isn't totally clear to me, and Brad Winters (that asshole who asked me for a blowjob way back in the day) being expelled for getting caught while some chick was going down on him in the boys' locker room. "Wow," I say. "I tuned out a pretty eventful two weeks," Jonas shrugs. "I just don't know how I didn't catch on sooner. I mean, with crap like that going down - especially the stuff with Brad - which is still a major scandal by the way - I don't know how I fell for your half-assed responses." "I've got the gestures and sounds, got the timing down - it's uncanny, yeah, you'd think it was me," I quote more of Best Imitation of Myself by the Ben Folds Five. Yes. I am quite a fan of them. Because they're good. That's why. "How do you even know what he's talking about?" Kyle asks Jonas, which to me seems like a way random question. "I mean, I thought you only listened to French music," what? "What?" Jonas shrugs. "Usually, I don't like to listen to stuff where I can understand what they're saying. I sort of prefer music with no singing at all, but if there has to be people singing, I at least don't need to be distracted by WHAT. But I do like the Five, and some Weakerthans stuff, you know, just enough to pick on most of your lame quotes," I give him a sort of stink face but leave my immature retaliations at that. "And people say I'M weird. But moving right along, there's something else I wanted to know about. I feel really bad about this, like, that girl, um what was her name? Erica?" Both Kyle and Jonas's expressions turn kind of sour, "I haven't been able to be there for you about any of that. How did your talk with her go?" I mean, I assume he's called her by now. It's been almost three weeks. Jonas like squirms uncomfortably. "Welllll." "You haven't called her yet?" "Not so much." "But it's been like--" "I know." "He definitely knows," Kyle mutters with a definite dark flavour. I raise my eyebrows. "I'm guessing we've stumbled onto what the real fight was about?" "Even when you've completely bypassed two weeks, you don't miss a thing," and it's happy tones all around! "Kay, detecting major bad vibes here. What's going on? Jonas, what' s holding you back from calling her?" He like shrugs and rolls his eyes. "It's called fear. I mean, what if she gets totally pissed off at me and like outs me to the whole town? We still know people there, it would get back to my parents for sure." "She probably wouldn't - wait a minute," I blink a few times. "Did you say you're worried about your parents finding out?" I just stare at him wide eyed a minute. "They don't know?" Jonas shakes his head miserably. I think we've found the underlying reason for the marital discord. "How could they not know?" "Well, the fact that I've dated girls combining with the whole me not telling them thing," In case you're a little lost or confused, what I've managed to do here is totally get the spotlight off myself. There's no way I have to worry about them being mad at me seeing as they're so busy being mad at each other. Seriously, the glare action alone is getting pretty nasty. "They wouldn't be cool with it?" "They would - he just still doesn't want to tell them." "How do you know how they'd react, Kyle?" Jonas demands heatedly. I don't think this is exactly new ground for them. "I told you - you didn't grow up with them. You think every ex-hippie is as cool as your mom or dad? Not all of us are that lucky." "Dude, I've met your parents. They're good people." "Whatever," Jonas says, folding his arms and displaying all other manner of `angry' body language. "You have no idea what you're talking about. I've tried to explain it to you but you obviously think I' m like too stupid to even know how my parents would react even though I've like, known them my whole life whereas you've only met them like twice." "I don't think you're stupid." "Okay, so then you think I'm a coward." "Jonas!" Kyle sounds both angry and alarmed. "That's not what I think at all. I just don't get it!" "They wouldn't let me see you, alright?!" Jonas suddenly explodes. It takes a minute for his rapid breathing to regulate, and he slumps as it does, shaking his head to himself. "They just wouldn't. They wouldn't let me stay over anymore and they'd always be asking me about stuff we did. I just... I don't want another one of my relationships put under their microscope. That's a lot of what fucked up everything with Erica - they were always interfering. They didn't really like her much, you know? Maybe later it was 'cause they knew we were sleeping together, but even before. Like more than half the fights we had had something to do with stuff my parents put in my head about her, I was just too like young or naive to get what they were doing. But even now that I'm older, I know the way they manipulate me. They still have so much more power over me than I want. Even though mostly they're really good parents, it's like I'm all they have or something. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, but it feels like they don't want me to grow up - like, more so than normal parents even. We don't really keep in contact with any other members of the extended family, so it's just always been only the three of us. Ever since..." His voice dies and his eyes flash, just from the light catching on his unshed tears. It's a long few seconds before he continues. "It could be that it's even subconscious, you know? Maybe they don' t mean to do what they do to me, but it's like every time I get really close to someone, they start picking out faults and trying to put in a wedge between me and that person. It's what happened with Erica, it's what made me never try to get more serious with Sam, and Kyle, I just... I just am so scared that they'll do something that'll make me lose you," just call me Pandora. Kyle's gone mute again, but he does find presence of mind enough to take Jonas in his arms. I seriously cannot believe how many layers of baggage we keep uncovering about that guy. I mean, I don't know about you, but I still remember the days when I thought he was one of the most together people I knew. "Shush," Kyle soothes, rocking him slightly. "It's okay, goldie. I'm not going anywhere. Just let it out." Jonas appears to calm down, only to start up again in a sketchy voice, "It's not even that you're a guy. Anyone who I let get close to me in that way is a threat. They're fine with me having friends - in a group, as long as I never pick out any one person. So long as I make sure I'm not singling anyone out for more attention than they're comfortable with. Do you know I've never had a best friend really? Before you Erica was the only thing that came close and there was always a certain level of distance there. Near the end, she wanted to get closer, but I couldn't let that happen. By the time I figured out why it was too late. But I promised myself that if I ever got another chance it would never happen like that again. Except sometimes I feel myself starting to pull away from you and then I know all over again the power they still have over me. I mean, I love them, you know? That's the thing. I love them and I don't want to disappoint or hurt them. After Erica I think they thought they'd gotten me back. I don't know what it'd do to them to be told they've lost me for good." "Lost you for good?" Kyle asks weakly. A smile finds its way onto Jonas's tear streaked face and he wiggles back enough to take Kyle's in his hands. "To you, Kyle. I'm yours forever. You know that, right? There's no getting rid of me for as long as you're willing to keep me around. Any fears I have, they have nothing to do with me falling out of love with you. I know that'll never happen. I just sometimes can' t help thinking with all that's wrong with me you couldn't possibly be able to feel the same." I really did mean to get up and give them this moment, but I'm sort of like glued to my seat over here. Okay, so not literally, but you get what I'm saying. "There is NOTHING wrong with you, Jonas," Kyle states slowly and firmly so as to be absolutely clear. "And I feel exactly the same way, okay? Not sort of or some of the time. Totally and all of the time. I love you and you're practically my whole freaking world." He leans over and gives my foot a kick. "Other than this guy, the rest of the people in this house and Celery, I've got no one else in my heart or life that means nearly as much as you. I know that sometimes I'm an insensitive jerk and that I push way too often about stuff that's better off left alone but I never want you thinking my heart doesn't match your love beat for beat. So tell your parents or don't tell your parents, no matter how many stupid fights or problems we may have, know that I'm never going to stop loving you." Now Jonas is in tears for a whole nother reason and I'm about to lose it myself, but I think maybe I should slip out of here before I do. I try to move, but Kyle clamps his hand onto my shoulder. "I want you here for this, Carrots," he whispers to me without leaving room for much debate. Now officially completely overwhelmed, I let myself get twisted into a shared hug with the both of them. It takes a considerable length of time before any of us are ready to let go. When, after another hour or so of talking, Jonas reluctantly mentions he needs to be getting home, Kyle doesn't fight it. For once. We do the goodbye hugs thing and then Kyle drives him home. Once he gets back, Kyle comes straight into my room and we sit together on my bed. He's at the foot, sitting sideways so his back's against the wall and his feet are hanging off the side of my bed. I'm where my pillow should be, also leaning against the wall, but lengthwise. "That was really intense," I say after we've done the silent reflections thing for awhile. Kyle nods. "I know," he smiles almost evilly. "Why'd you think I wanted you to stay? I figured if anything was going to make you feel again it'd be that bombardment of emotions," I shake my head. "You're amazing, Kyle. I don't think I've ever given you enough credit for that. I really mean it." He smiles. "I know you do, bro. And I love you too." "Jonas is very lucky to have you," I figure I might as well just go for the whole hog while I'm on a roll. Who knows when the next time I'll feel this honest and present will be. "I don't know about that," Kyle's seriously uncertain tone takes me by surprise, and not one of those pleasant ones. "What?" He sighs, turning around a bit to look at me. "It's just that all I ever seem to do is force out more stuff that ends up hurting him," This is the mystery of Kyle. Celery's the same way. These guys. They can be so incredible, say all the right things and put another person so totally at ease, while the whole time, they're coming up with these insane self-incriminations. It' s like they aren't happy unless they have something to feel guilty about. "Kyle, how is it possible for you to be so amazing and also so insane?" I ask him in all sincerity. His mouth turns up in a confused half smile. "Huh?" "You're not hurting Jonas by digging his problems out and getting him to deal with them. After all the times you've said so to me, I should think you'd know that problems just get bigger when you try to hide from them. Remember when you were first trying to get me to admit my feelings to Celery? You used to say that everyday I let go by not telling him was just another day for my fear about it to grow bigger. You were the guy who taught me not to shove my fears in a box and try to forget about them. You've always been the one who busts in without hesitation and shines the light into the dark places in me. That's all you're doing for Jonas. And sure, it can hurt while it happens, but you're just doing what's necessary. I know I've always been better for it in the end." "You don't think I sometimes push too far?" "Well, you can, at times, be a little um, overenthusiastic." He rolls his eyes and grins self-deprecatingly. "Just a little." "No. Really. You aren't that bad. It's just like, when you see someone you love hurting over a part of themselves they aren't ready to deal with, you can't really stand it and you feel compelled to barrel in and fix things, even if you have to like break a few balls to get there." I get no immediate response, but that's no big since I'm assuming he's spending this quiet time pondering my wisdom. Who said `yeah right' sarcastically? I'll kick you! "I think my cheer up speeches are better than yours," I grin. "Yeah whatever, asshole." It's pretty late by the time Kyle heads off to bed. I'm completely drained, and ready to crash, but I remember I have to call Celery. He picks up not even halfway through the second ring. "I thought you'd forgotten about me," he teases with a slight edge. "No chance of that happening," I promise him seriously to take care of the edge. "There was a major drama fest though," I'm not really sure I have the juice to go through it all again. "About you?" "Not really, actually. It started out being me, but then I asked Jonas and Kyle what'd been going lately and things got kinda crazy." " 'Cause of Jonas and his parents," Okay. Like, seriously. Enough is enough already. "Did you know about this?" "Well." "You DID!" "Some of it," he tries to appease me. "It's just like, I don't know, I could sort of tell. I don't know anything specific or recent, but we did talk about it once, before I moved. You know, as one kid who gets screwed over by his parents to another, that kind of thing." "Oh I get it. And like, me and Kyle, we can't understand that 'cause we like our parents." "I didn't mean it like that," he rebuts calmly. "Don't get all hostile." "Sorry, my emotions are just like totally frayed." "You're asking a lot of them so soon after such a long period without use." "How do you put up with everything about me?" I wonder to him and myself. "Love makes people crazy." "So THAT'S what's wrong with us," he chuckles. "Solved at last." "Kyle calmed him down great, but then he freaked out himself after Jonas left." "It runs in the family." "Who, me?" Funny how it was him I compared Kyle to. "Yes, you. You're the exact same in that way, you and Kyle." Damnit. He's right. Sort of. He's still the guilt queen, but I'm the after the fact freaker-outer. Harrumph. "Well, maybe," I do the pouty little boy voice thing. "Did you fix him?" I believe facetious is the word I'm looking for in describing his tone. "Yes," I reply grumpily. This is the most fun I've had in ages. Seriously. "Well done." "Thanks." "Really though?" "Yeah, that way too. They're both going to be okay, I think. Jonas still has to call Erica of course, who knows how that'll go. Badly, he predicts." "Well sure. Who wants to hear their first love has not only moved on but with a member of the opposite sex?" "The opposite sex?" Doesn't he mean the same sex? "Well yeah, like, the opposite of her." "Oh, I see what you mean." "A little slow today, are we, baby?" "Hey! It's been a rough day." "It's been a looong day." "I swear if you start to sing I'll kill you." "Empty threats will get you nowhere." "You're not singing anymore, are you?" "You appear to be right." This may all seem very juvenile or stupid or whatever to you, but it's everything I've missed. Just us. Talking, joking around, being our stupid, regular selves. "When am I not?" "Um, do you want me to compile a formal list or should I just ramble off as many occasions as I can think of off the top of my head? Like, how much time you got?" "Not much more if I'm going to continue to be subjected to this sort of shabby treatment." "I'm sorry," he pouty baby voices it up. "Make it up to me." "How?" "I don't know. I'll have to think about it." "You have until Spring Break," that makes the breath catch in my throat. I wish he hadn't brought the distance up. Just when I was starting to forget about it for a few seconds. "Yeah," I don't exactly keep my voice neutral. "Don't be mad at me, baby, I just don't want us to turn into total zombies again once we get off the phone and have to be real again. We can do that together, can't we? Do we have to pretend like we aren't far away from each other every time we talk on the phone?" "Well, maybe not every time," I say in a very little voice. "You know what I mean though, right?" "Yes," I admit with some hesitation. I do, I just don't necessarily like it. "We may not like it, but for now, we do have to learn to live in this situation." "And you say I'M like Kyle," I mutter. The thing about muttering over the phone is, the other person can usually end up hearing you. "Carrots, please," he quietly begs. "I need you to be with me on this," I sigh and take a long time reconciling myself to it, but I eventually do. "I know. I am." "Thank you." "I think it should probably be me saying that to you," I mention almost idly. "Yeah well, either way. I'm just glad you're okay." "It's been a long time, I'm out of practice." "We both are. But we can do it, right?" "Suppose." "Care." "Calm. We can and will. I mean, we'll try as hard as we can, and sometimes we'll fail, but I believe we already agreed that was okay. Are you really sure YOU'LL be okay? It's so much harder for you..." "No. Well, sort of, it is, but don't worry about it," like right, "I'm not like totally shut off from the outside world - I can still get support from you and the whole damn crew when I need it, and then there's like Saul and everything," that kid's been really good for him. Someday I'm going to meet him, and I'm going to give him the hugging of his life. "Okay." "I love you, Carrots, saying so is the only way I can ever bear to end a conversation with you," I feel the exact same way. "I know. Me too. Love you always and especially slash forever, Celery." "Bye." "Yeah, bye." I rush in, "I'm going to call you tomorrow, okay?" Catching him just before he hangs up. "Very," I wish you could have heard the joy in his voice that went into that little word. Hearing it makes me skyrocket into the clouds. "Bye," I say dreamily. "Love you." --- Edited by Ed