Date: Sat, 12 Jun 2004 21:49:25 -0500 From: Karla Schulz Subject: Carrots and Celery Part Three Chapter 19 Okay. First of all, you're all beautiful. The resonse to the last chapter was entirely kick ass, and I know I suck and didn't write back to most of you, but I can't say enough how much the mail means to me. Often, some seemingly random or small comment from a reader will make me look at the story a whole new way, and it'll inspire me to write and hopefully improve the story. So thanks. And a big 'breathe, it's not over' to all those who thought 18 was the last chapter. I hope the wait hasn't convinced you it was. This guy is far from over. There's going to be more pain, and while it's not meant to be endlessly angsty for no apparent reason, I feel that needs to get attention. But listen, I love these guys in a way that isn't entirely natural, and that means I want them to be happy. A lot. And luckily, I'm pretty much in charge of that. Although, I can't claim to be completely responsible for this mess. Anyway, that was dull, I hope you enjoy the chapter more. --- So, as near as I can figure, I must have passed out. Cause I mean, I know waking up, and that's not what this is. This is coming to. Maybe it was the blood loss. Or the shock. That happens right? The brain can't handle a situation, so it just sort of shut downs for awhile? If I'm not making this shit up, it's a solid bodily function, I must say. I could have used a couple more hours though. I don't feel entirely up to getting my angst on just yet. I mean, I'm sure there'll be crying and screaming in bucketfuls eventually, but I'm hoping for like, numb at this point. You know -- feeling nothing? I can't tell you how attractive of an option that sounds right about now. And I haven't even opened my eyes yet. I mean I did, for the initial second when I was torn from unconsciousness, but there was brightness and I shut them again pretty damn quick. It's been about 15 minutes though, I'm thinking about giving it a shot. You might not think opening my eyes is all that impressive, but believe me. It's huge. My gradual eye open process has very unfortunate results. Cause with my vision, I've got that whole ability to see the stuff around me thing, and the stuff around me happens to contain Kyle, Jonas, my parents, and my destroyed room, which looks very much like a small bomb went off in it. Oh yeah, and me. Naked and bloodied. Thank god I have a sheet over me at least. "What are you all doing here?" I demand softly. "We were worried honey, Kyle said there was yelling and other noise and now..." My mom tapers off, too worried about what stating the facts would do to me to carry on. "Celery's gone." I say. Sorta flatly. "We know." Again, it was my mom that spoke, but all of them have the exact same expression written on their face. Concern for me warring with concern for Celery (who I'm guessing at least Kyle saw leave) and general disappointment and frustration with both of us. And then there's the fear. There's a lot of fear. I feel a bit like everything is happening in slow motion, or that it's not exactly happening at all, and I can stop and start it again whenever I want. Like now, the world is on pause, cause they're all still standing around my wrecked room, staring at me, but I feel independent of them. I look around at the damage, the collapsing bookcase, the clothing debris everywhere, the blood stain on my carpet, the other one on the wall, idly wondering if I'll have to buy a new lamp or just use the cracked one. Then my eyes fall on my door. "Wasn't it locked?" I ask, aloud but to myself. "We broke in." Kyle supplies. Of course. I see evidence that it was forced. I just thought maybe Celery and I did that too, somehow. Logic's working kind of slow for me right now. "I need clothes." I say vacantly. Everyone rushes at once to hand me some, and then I glare at them until they all turn around. No amount of glaring was going to get them to leave though. Shame that. After I'm passing for dressed, we all engage in some meaningful staring. And sighing. It's fun. "I'm okay." I offer suddenly, turning my face up to look at my parents. A kind of frantic concern has grown to dominate their faces since I started zoning in and out a few minutes ago. "Carrots..." "No. Seriously. It's weird. Isn't it? I mean, my husband just abandoned me. I should feel awful right? Crying or something at the very least. But I feel kinda of... good?" "Carrots," Mom beings urgently, "you don't have to get through this alone. Don't try," I shrug. "M'not. I'm really okay." I try to prove my point through standing, but my legs give out and I end up sitting down heavily. "I just may need to go to the hospital." Nobody seems to find the humor in that but me. I decide to close my eyes and wait for them to leave. It worked once right? But naturally, it only worked that time cause my heart got broke in the process. Where's the fun without that? "Please just leave me alone, okay? I just want to lie down a little more." "Could it be you're a little worn out from the head wound?" There you go Kyle. Sarcasm over the panic. Works every time. "I'm fine, I told you. Just tired." "It's 3 o'clock in the afternoon." Jonas does pointedly dry comments just as well as Kyle. "Three?" "In the afternoon." "In the afternoon?" "Three." Well that was fun. "Look, I'm not up for an inquisition right now alright? Can't you guys just leave the poor divorcée alone?" I bring the house down. "You... it's..." Kyle's got nowhere to go with the whole verbal thing, and he's not alone. Even the olds are shocked wordless. It's like the flip switches, and everything is suddenly back in real time, and I can't stand anything -- certainly not having any of them here and I'm about to scream myself horse, when I hear tapping on my balcony window. On reflex, I turn and look and am faced with probably the only person I can stand to be around right now. Colin. He raises his eyebrows and gives me a kind of droopy pleading puppy dog look. I almost smile. I get up and let him in. He never gets the chance to say hello, instead does a pretty humorous and entirely genuine double take. He gives up staring googely eyed at the chaos that is my room and the glaring faces of my family to looking horror stricken at my face. "What the hell happened to you?" He demands, rushing me, hands cupping my face, gently tilting it so he can get a better look. "You should see the other guy. Really. I think I might have killed him." These words, this flippant attitude, it's the only safe place to be. Colin says nothing, just keeps touching me, finding new damage everywhere. I close my eyes and let him do it, wishing it was just us in the room. No one else. "Come sit down Asparagus," He says gently but firmly, leading me towards the bed. I never even bother opening my eyes. I sort of collapse into him, and let out one chocked sob while he runs his fingers through my hair. There's movement around us, and Colin's voice, "Back off." A few seconds later, the door gets shut. I open my eyes. Everyone's gone. It calms me down and scares me at the same time. I'm falling fast, so completely vulnerable that every change unsettles me. I've been leaning against him, but mostly sitting up, and Colin inches away and then encourages me to lie down, his hands on my upper arms, in places he's already learned it's safe to touch. "Sleep for a little while or something okay? Close your eyes and -- don't laugh at this suggestion -- try to be calm at least alright?" I don't bother to nod or anything, just get my head into the place on my pillow I like and follow his instructions. When I wake up, it's dark, and Colin is perched my chair, one of the only pieces of furniture in my room to escape hurricane Carrots and Celery. He watches me wake up, and doesn't speak until I've propped myself up on my pillow. "What happened?" All the people who hate him should hear Colin now. They should see the tenderness in his face. Because it's Colin, because it's actually been long enough for it to finally start to seem real, my defenses break down and I start to cry, but am able to respond brokenly, "He's..." uncontrollable sob break, "g-g-gon-nnne," "Celery?" I nod and cry at the same time. Wishing I could go back to pretending it hadn't happened, cause that was a much less painful place to be. "Fuck me," Colin mutters to himself, looking pale. "I can't believe he actually did it." I sniffle and it's like he just remembered I was in the room, and turns his attention back to me. "Was he already gone when you got back? What happened? How did you get so worked over?" I just shake my head, and understanding, Colin goes back to doing the silent supportive thing. After almost an hour, I've settled somewhat, and he looks at me gravely, hands on my cheeks, thumbs brushing away tears. "Carrots," his voice is strong, and there's a warning, like he can hear what I'm thinking, the voice in my head that's screams my blame, "You're not going to dare to think it's your fault, are you? Cause you know I'm not going to stand for that," I smile weakly. "I know," His eyes survey me with gentle sadness, concern, and love. "You need a few more hours?" "No, I think I'm ready to talk about this now, but you're going to have to help." "How can I do that?" Gentle, eager to do whatever it takes. "Ask me the questions I don't want to answer." He sighs, like he's wishing as badly as I am they didn't have to be asked. "How did you get hurt?" "We... it was. I don't know. I was so angry and there was pain that I really didn't want to feel but he wouldn't stop talking and he was leaving but he wouldn't go away, you know? I couldn't stand it. So I opened the door and I just..." "You started it?" He's incredulous. "Colin, I don't know what exactly you think happened, but it wasn't like I punched him or something." "So what'd you do?" He's not doing this just to make things harder on me, I think he really doesn't get it. "I kissed him. Well, after I threw him against a wall." "Oh." "Yeah." "So that, you should have seen the other guy comment?" "Yeah." "And then after..." "He left." "I'm so sorry." "Thanks." "Do you want me to—" "Keep going." "Alright. I guess... I mean, how did it happen? How did you get to angry and in pain and throwing people against walls?" I suck in a few deep breaths, and collect myself a little. "I ran all the way from the school and when I got up to my room," I find I can't quite go on. "Take your time man," I do the steadyingly breathing thing again until I feel my heart start to stop racing. "He was packing. I couldn't believe it -- I mean, I still can't. Even when he admitted to having thought about it, I NEVER thought he'd actually DO it. We don't leave. We always talk stuff out, we always talk until its better. Ever since ever. But he was packing. Leaving. And I couldn't even bring myself to try to talk him out of it. I just couldn't do it. Tell him the stuff I have so many times he should know it by now. I don't know how he could do this," "Me neither man. Me either a thousand times from the bottom of my heart and everything I know about the guy. But you know he loves you right? No matter what, I'm sure that couldn't ever change. Like, I've seen the way the dude looks at you, know what I'm saying? That doesn't just go away," "Fine. So he loves me. Fine fucking way to show it. You don't back up words with deeds, and they become meaningless," "Oh don't say that," he entreats softly, "you know he loves you. Come on, you've told me so. You trust his love for you like you trust that you don't have to see a mid-season reality TV replacement show on FOX to know it's going to suck. Remember when you told me that? This may sound really unfair to you, but those were your words. They're the ones you're going to have to back up with YOUR deeds. You can't just give up on that faith you have in him. There have to be allowances when it turns out the people we love happen to be human -- which means being big stupid assholes sometimes. Tell me I'm wrong?" "Okay, not in theory, but it hurts... god Colin, it hurts so much," starting to cry all over again. "I can't even begin to imagine how much, but stay with me on this man. Don't give up," I know he's right. I know it. Except I feel like I already have. And I'm not sure how to go back from that.