Date: Sun, 16 May 2004 23:56:10 -0500 From: Karla Schulz Subject: Carrots and Celery part three chapter 18 There's clearly something wrong with me... but it's uncertain at this point exactly what it is. The end of University went brilliantly, I got kick ass grades which I am very smug about, and all my hopes about getting a crazy job at the weird vintage store a woman in my Sociology class was planning to open back in March have come wonderfully true. I've even been writing to some degree of personal satisfation. And yet it's been a fucking life time since I last posted. As it always seems to be. Try to forgive me, and enjoy this anyway. At the very least, I hope there are still people out there who check this story every once in awhile to see that there's actually been an update. --- At school, my very poorly suppressed rage has reached its boiling point, and I come very close to decking Alex the second I see him glaring at me across the hall. I'm on my way to do just that when Colin grabs me by the arm, nearly dislocating my shoulder as he yanks me stationary when I try to keep walking. "What the fuck is this?" He demands, clearly knowing exactly what I planned to do. "Were you not something resembling okay not 24 hours ago? What happened between then and now that's gotten you so brassed off?" "Celery was going to leave -- he was just going run out on me." I inform him petulantly. Colin raises his eye brows, "So you two had another fight about it and naturally you decided running out on HIM in the middle was the most sensible course of action." I just stare at him, as my brain frantically tries to process what he said, as he continues, "Not like that'd in any way encourage him to leave now... I mean, what are the chances?" Then it clicks. Probably pretty damn good. I'm going to rip out his rib cage and wear it as a hat (hello to the imagery). "Fuck." "Go." Colin orders, shaking his head. I break out into a run that carries me out the school doors and all the way home. I make a mad dash up the stairs to the second floor, and pause, out of breath, finally when I've reached my own door and my hand is on the knob. After catching my breath I turn the doorknob and walk in, despite the fact that in theory I was prepared for what I find, I still can't believe what I'm seeing. Celery's bent over his duffel bag, shoving in clothes and, distracted by his task, not noticing I've entered. I stand for a small eternity, just staring at him. Waiting for my voice to catch up with what I'm seeing. Finally I laugh, short and angry. He jerks, startled, and turns around. "Going somewhere?" I shrug my hands at him and wander over to the bed, sitting down amongst his half packed things. He wipes uselessly at silent tears and shakes his head. "Care I..." He backs that statement up with nothing, instead opting to stand there carefully not looking at me and radiating anguish. "What? Tell me you can explain this, cause really, I'd LOVE to hear you talk your way out of this one. But I mean, you can do it right? After all, we've been here before. You always have an answer, an apology, something. I want to hear you tell me you were going to leave me, without even saying good-bye, and still make me forgive you." My words are like the tears I refuse to let fall, they're bitter and angry and full of all my desperate confusion. Celery himself seems equally lost, and the golden excuse I've demanded doesn't seem forthcoming. He settles with stuttering out a few words, "I just, I couldn't... I don't know how to be here and feel what I'm feeling. I didn't want to put --" The moment he started to speak I knew I couldn't stand to hear it, so I cut him off saying, "You know what? Actually, I changed my mind. I don't want to hear about it. You were LEAVING. Nothing excuses that." I let the contempt in my voice ring loud and clear. "Carrots..." He pleads. "NO!" I all but scream, starting to feel the panic rush at me as well. Blindly, I search for a way to escape this, but find no refuge. I settle for curling up in a ball, facing away from him. "You're not going to let me talk?" He asks quietly after an age. "You think you deserve to get to talk?" "I don't know." I sit up, and blaze my anger at him. "Well start thinking. Cause you better know, and fast. Hear me? I'm DONE with this. We're not kids anymore Celery. I can't keep doing this with you over and over. It's making me hate..." I can't say the rest of it. Can't even hardly think it. "I was going to say goodbye -- I told you I'd never..." He his voice wavers and breaks off. I let my head fall into my hands and I wait for tears or laughter to come. Neither do. "But you really were planning on leaving." A statement, but he answers it anyway. "Yes." "Why? I mean, after we talked, after you promised you wouldn't... why?" "I thought you didn't want to know." "That's cute. You're really helping yourself making comments like that." "I don't want to fight with you." Laughter is automatic, and entirely joy free. "That's hilarious." "Carrots I love you." "Right. So naturally, you decided that abandoning me instead of like, say, trying to work something out was the best course of action." "All I decided was that I couldn't stand to be here anymore!" He explodes. It takes us both a minute to recover from that one. "Wow. I didn't know I'd gotten so hard to be around." "I'm not the one who bailed in the first place," he snaps, and then sighs, "Anyway it's not you," "Another classic. Surprise me Celery, tell me you thought it was for the best, that staying would have hurt me more. Tell me it was for my own good." I want to be shouting, but instead I'm deathly calm, even toned and quiet. "It wasn't. It was for mine." His naked honestly shakes me. "Then you should go." I say, shocking myself by actually meaning it. "I know. It might not work and it might make things worse but I have to do something... I need to stop being like I am. Because it's the only way we can actually be together, but also because, first and foremost, I don't want to hate myself. And being like this... feeling like this, I do." "What exactly are you feeling?" I'm so confused, in addition to everything else. Because things haven't been ALL bad since he got back, and maybe I've been blind, but this is still taking me my surprise. Like big time surprise. Mostly just cause it's actually happening. Until now, I guess I didn't quite believe any of this was real. "I want you." I snort, and he closes his eyes. "I don't want to share. I hate Colin -- do you understand? I don't even know him. But he makes you laugh, and he holds your attention, and for that I hate him. I can't be in your life if I'm like this. Right now I am. Maybe I can get better, but if not..." "My god. You think you can decide that on your own? Since when are you the king of me? You don't just get to tell me where we're going, what we are. We decide that together. Remember for a second what we did this summer would you Celery? I MARRIED you. Legal or not, that meant something. The not walking away clause was definitely a part of it." "Carrots I don't want to hurt you." "You're going to make me laugh again, I'm warning you." "I'm messed up." He protests. "Great. So fucking what? Like I'm not? Like we both haven't always been. It doesn't matter. We love each other, that why we work things out instead of running away." "What can I do? If I can't even do this... there's nothing." He won't look at me, but I can see the grey in his eyes. "If you leave now..." I shake my head. "What? Tell me what would happen?" Something cold and almost threatening has crept into his voice. "My heart would shatter -- in ways I doubt could ever be repaired." He yanks me close, and kisses me hard, fast and brutally. Absent of love and affection, the message of the kiss is painfully clear -- ownership. I'm his and always will be, no matter what he does. "You see? It's that... it's because of that that I have to go." I don't know what to say. I just stare at him with wounded bewildered eyes. He sighs and sinks down onto the bed. "I don't want to feel like this is the only thing I can do cause it's weak and selfish and none of the things I want for myself or for you. I want to do the TV thing where we forget about all our responsibilities and make bold declarations of love that win everyone over so no one could possibly ever think to stand in our way. I want to deny reality and escape into you forever. I want to protect you from everything, even the things you probably don't need protection from. I want to make this year go away, just erase it so we could be like we were. But my staying now wouldn't do that. I'm serious about my obligations back in Calgary, but it's more than that... I don't trust myself around you right now Carrots. If I stay, I won't get better, and you'll just learn to bend to my will again -- this is not an `I'm god' thing or anything baby, serious. But I don't like the power we have over each other, it's dangerous. Right now I'm scared of the way I'm affecting you, and I'm scared of the way being around you is affecting me." He gets up again, only to fall to his knees. He takes one of my hands and squeezes. I can't resist the pull of his eyes. "I changed my ticket to tonight. I was NEVER going to leave without saying good-bye, I thought that when you got home from school, if I was already packed, we could talk about it, try to avoid some of the drama and pain. And I know Spring Break is almost done, and please don't think I'm leaving cause you're so unbearable to be around I can't even take a couple more days... it's just, I can't fall into that rut with you again Carrots. We've had a couple good days haven't we?" I nod. It's part of why I've been so confused. Some of this has been bad in ways I didn't think possible, but there have such good moments too. I don't know why he's so ready to throw that away. "And therein lies the problem. These highs and lows... as long as there are a few highs, if you keep trying to convince me to stay... I will. Past Spring Break I mean. And I know in theory that sounds like a great idea but I'm telling you Carrots we'll fall back into the same old patterns, I know we will. That won't be good for anyone. Because as much as he isn't the problem, my feelings for Colin are a symptom of what's wrong with our relationship and I don't want to put him and you through my attempts to work myself out." "So this is you doing the Oz thing now? Gotta go run away and get all enlightened while I suffer in confusion doubt and oh yeah, those lovely feelings of betrayal and abandonment? And hello! Were you not here for the part of the conversation we had earlier today when you said this wasn't an all on you problem? What if I need your help getting better? What if I can't solve MY side of the problem without you?" He shakes his head. "Baby -- that IS your problem. A big part of it anyway. And I blame myself for a lot of it -- but you're shit and doing things on your own. You're no good at facing problems on your own, you hardly even like making decisions by yourself. I'm not saying total self-reliance, but you've got to learn to stand on your own two feet and I'VE got to learn to LET you. This is OLD ground Care, and it'll just get older unless we actually DO something about it." "Emphasis on WE!" "Care..." "You're going to leave no matter what I say, aren't you?" For a moment I feel as if my heart is hanging in the air, and then he nods, and it crashes to the floor, breaking like glass. And that's the end. He stands, and as much as he can, keeps his back to me as he finishes stuffing a few final things in his bag. I get up off the bed and try to stand, not cower, in the corner of my room. Once finished packing, shoulders his duffle bag and walks to the door. Stops, a foot out of it, and turns back, coming towards me and touches my face. I'm too stunned by this entire scene to jerk away, though the gentle touch is like a knife to me. He starts to say something, I love you, but at that I have to stop him, that's something I can't stand to hear. "No. Don't say that to me now. If you say it I won't be able to believe you, and I never want to not be able to believe you when you say that. If I hear you say that in a lie, I may not be able to trust every other time you've said it," He tries to speak, but finally just nods. I turn back one more time, to look into his eyes and try to find something familiar there. Something to bring comfort. I don't. And so I sigh, beating back the pain enough to be able to say what I need to. Looking him squarely in the eyes I say, "This time it IS you leaving," and I reach up, taking off his hat. I want to shove it roughly into his hands, but I end up depositing it gently. Then I really have to leave, have to get out of there, because the shock has faded some, enough for me to realize at least that this is really happening, and I don't want him to see him and feel this much pain. I don't go downstairs. Jonas and the twins are probably at school, but Kyle's still down there somewhere. I mean, I'm sure he must have heard some of my yelling, so he probably knows something's going down, but... I mean, I don't know if I ever will be, but I'm certainly not ready to face anyone yet. What I do is I lock myself in the bathroom. I'm much too frozen to be crying anymore, but the picture isn't made any less pitiful. Sitting crouched down the shower, the door closed and the water on, getting soaked, my clothes sticking to my skin. At some point I hear a faint knock, and Celery's voice. Out of the loyalty I still can't help but feel towards him, I stretch over and turn off the water, to hear what he has to say. "It's not a lie Carrots. You have to believe me. I know this is the worst thing I've ever done, I know it, but I have to. It doesn't mean I don't love you. I do. That hasn't changed. It's not ever going to. I know I don't have any rights in this, I know it's me who's fucking everything up, but you know that saying it's the only way I can ever bear to say goodbye. I love you Care, I hope you can forgive me for needing to have said that, even with what I'm about to do," I say nothing, but hear no receding footsteps, so I know he's still there. I'm about to turn the water back on when he starts talking again. "Is there anything I can do Carrots? I need to do this... I'm going to... I just, is there anything I can do to stop you from hating me when I do? If there's nothing, Carrots, just please talk to me." Long pauses permeated that little speech, and an impressively long one follows it. I'm shivering in the shower stall, my eyes shut tightly. Desperately wishing he'd just go, and dreading it just as fervently. Out of the silence comes a small, self-depreciating laugh from Celery. "This is pretty um... well, let's go with cosmically stupid. Cause, actually, I'd rather have me hate myself than you. And if I leave, hating me is pretty much your right. God, what's wrong with me?" At that, I get up, and yank open the door. He stares at me wild eyed. I grab him by the face and kiss him like he kissed me. And when I let him go I push him away so hard he ends up slammed against the wall. "Don't play with me Celery." He takes a few steps forward and opens and closes his mouth a couple times, but never gets around to saying anything. I blaze my fury hurt and lust at him and his matched gaze knocks me back, but it doesn't matter that my knees are about to fail and I can't get to him cause he's launching himself on me and then I'm the one pressed against a wall, my mouth getting attacked and his hands all over me. We hear Kyle's frantic voice at the bottom of the stairs and he tears himself away from me, taking a step and then yanking me along with him into my room. I slam the door shut with one hand while I struggle with his clothing with the other. When it's over, we're tangled together on the bedroom floor, aching in every possible way. It's a good 20 minutes before either of us has enough energy to move. We help each other to the bed, which seemed impossibly far away at the start, and crumble together once more. "What the fuck was that?" I ask possibly years later, when I finally recover my voice. His shrug gets interrupted halfway through by a pained wince. Concern takes over and I scan his body looking for injuries. I find plenty. His left shoulder is sporting a pretty decent set of teeth marks and he's scattered with cuts and what'll soon be bruises, in addition to the industrial strength hickies that cover his neck. "I'm alright," He dismisses the nice crop of guilt I was cultivating, but that doesn't stop self-reproach and worry from flooding his eyes. "You okay?" I nod carefully. I think I may have banged my head on something at some point. Possibly on the leg of my desk. Strangely, I am. Okay. At least with what happened. Maybe I won't be when I get reacquainted with my brain and start to think about what happened and what it meant, but that's not now. Probably won't be for awhile. I can't bring myself to look at him though. Not because of the blood and the violence of what we just did, but because I know it hasn't changed anything. Because I know he's still leaving. And here comes the funny part. Because as you know, I'm all about the funny. One man party, all that. Here's a laugh, just for you. Here's what he says to me, looking up at me from across the pillow, face caked with blood, some mine, some his, and mine no better. Here's what he says to me after he's fucked me to oblivion, just as he's preparing to get up and walk out the door. Here's the thing that makes me laugh so hard it breaks my heart. "I love you Carrots." And I'm laughing on the inside, cause I reply, "I love you Celery." He strokes my face with his shaking fingers, and only has to look into my eyes once to know I know how little this has changed. "I'm sorry." He whispers, turns his back on me for that I know is the last time. I don't follow him with so much as my eyes, shutting them instead, and curling up into my pillow, waiting for him to get dressed and leave. When I finally open my eyes and look up, Celery's gone. Into the emptiness where he used to be I whisper, "Good bye,"