Date: Mon, 22 Mar 2004 18:15:38 -0600 From: Karla Schulz Subject: Carrots and Celery Part Three Chapter 17 You guys, I know the lateness is shameful, as has been my lack to replies to your great mail (although, some of it was terrifying - you who you are!) but it's MARCH! March damnit. If any of you are in University or have been in University in Canada, you know what I'm talking about and you'll forgive me. You should all forgive me anyway because I'm awesome. And so. I ate some cheesecake. --- The hour of solace I requested from Colin turns into about three, but my peace is broken bye his voice as Colin commands, "Hit the road," Shoving me with one shoulder. I stand up obediently and start walking for the door. "Dude, catch!" I turn back and hold out my hands. It's Celery's hat. I took it off when I got here, and I clearly forgot about that. There's symbolism floating around here somewhere. "Thanks," I mumble. "Hey, rock on," He calls after me. I stop, half turn to him and say, "Rock on. Peace out Avril," He nods and I leave. I get home and Celery is spread out on the floor on his back, staring at the ceiling. The twins are squished together in a corner of couch muttering to each other about something while Kyle and Jonas dominate the rest of it, bickering in the way that they do when it's about something totally harmless. Celery notices me first. He smiles. "Hey." The smile is still there, and it's real. I briefly consider not resisting the urge to do a quick victory dance, but in the end do. Resist I mean. I don't give a verbal response, instead I walk right over to him, drop to my knees, lean down and kiss him. "Best way to say hello ever." He intones. "Glad you liked it." Because it seems like the most natural thing in the world, I lie down beside him, tucking one arm under my head and taking his hand with the other. For a long time, we just lie there in silence, the quiet noises of our brothers surrounding us, and I feel like this is exactly the way life is supposed to be, always. And I know it's all I'll ever want. In a completely unsurprising turn of events, the extended moment is broken when Jonas suggests we all play Risk. Which, if you're playing with six people who'll all take it quite ridiculously seriously, is an all night game. Celery and I confer briefly and announce we're down. The twins are also up for it, so the battle for world domination begins. It rages until almost 3 in the morning, and in the end Jonas manages to snuff out Kyle in a final death match for control over the Ukraine (Celery and I shout "The Ukraine is weak!" at the same time, a tribute to Seinfeld), only to be eradicated from the rest of the globe by Dave shortly thereafter. All in all, it was a damn fun night. Definitely worth the unfortunate amount of classes we'll all be sleeping through tomorrow. With Dave ruling as Supreme Dictator of the world and contemplating which of us he'll refrain from sending out into the ocean on a log, we clean up the game and start slowly making our way upstairs. Half asleep against Kyle's shoulder Jonas murmurs something about how much shit he's going to get in with his parents for not calling a few steps ahead of Celery and I. The twins have suddenly remembered they have a History test tomorrow and are cursing under their breath. In the hall at the top of the stairs we all pause, exhausted, thoughts of the following day on our minds. But we all share a grin. "We should be doing that every week," Kyle declares, slapping one hand against the other for added emphasis. His response is a chorus of nods, which officially caps off the evening. We go our separate ways to our respective bedrooms and at this point I can only speak for Celery and myself, but we went straight to the bed, collapsed, and passed out. You know how sometimes details in life only stand out way after the fact? Like how you'll be going about your day, seeing and hearing, and something you'll see or hear will register, but only briefly, and it'll get shuffled to the back of your mind, only to pop up later, big as life? That's what happened to me this morning. The second I woke up, there was only was thing on my mind. And it's still there. On my mind. Gnawing away at me. I haven't done anything about it, cause the person I need to have it out with happens to be asleep. And since he was up till three and it's only 7:30, I don't really have the heart to wake him up. Although, the longer this sits with me, the more pissed I'm getting, so I probably won't need much longer for that to change. Works out that I never get the chance. For the change of heart. About a minute before my rage reaches what would probably be critical mass, Celery wakes up. "What the hell did you mean when you said you'd stay until Spring Break at least? Where you planning to leave early?" He just lies there blinking at me, dumbfounded under the sudden assault. "Uh..." "Were you?" He rubs his eyes, struggling to remain full consciousness. "Celery?!" "It crossed my mind." He admits hollowly. "Did it?" My voice is tight and controlled, unlike my emotions. "Care," He cajoles. "Were you going to say good-bye first or were you just going to leave?" "Of course I was going to –" "Is that why you asked me to go over to Colin's? To give you time to pack?" "What? No!" Getting more alarmed by the second. "It was before, before we talked, Carrots, you don't really think I'd... I mean, you know I'd never lie to you like that right?" I sigh, shaking my head. "Yeah. I do. I'm just, you know." "Sure." He says, sitting up and inching over to the corner of the bed furthest away from me. "There's no way you get to be the mad one here Celery." "Right," he says bitterly. "I'm always the bad guy. Always making your life so difficult. God. You must think about it all the time. How much better than me you are, the stuff you put up with. Do you like it Carrots? Always feeling superior? Always being the one who gets begged for forgiveness? Does it make you feel special, thinking about how patient and understanding you are with poor, screwed up little Celery? Can't do anything on his own, can't even let you live your life like a normal person. But you LOVE me, so you put up with me. God, do you even LIKE me anymore Carrots? Remember when we were friends? When it was about how much fun we had together? How much we laughed, how we made each other happy? What do we have now? Misery that really loves a select company?" "What're you... Celery?" I force out weakly, so taken aback, so frightened. He gets up and paces around the room. "You know what Carrots? You were right. It's not just me. I wanted it to be, cause that's how it works in my head. With me, it's NEVER you. You're always this blameless thing, beautiful and pure. Well that's just fucking stupid. And you're the same way. You don't see me. Not really. Not my anger, not my jealously, my need for dominance. That's exactly our problem. We've always said it, but never the way we needed to. Never being serious. But it's true – we've always been way too easy on each other. We put up with SO much. Just ignore it most of the time." He shrugs. "You can be one seriously manipulative kid man. You don't notice stuff sure, but you play it up. Never know what's going on, nothing can ever be your fault right? So Kaleb was in love with you cause you hung out with him and acted exactly like he wanted you to. Not your fault – you had no idea. So you're leading this Colin kid on the same way, offering him more than you can really give. What's the harm? He's straight after all. Like that's going to stop him from growing too attached, like it's all clear cut and dry. Things get out of hand with you two, how can you be to blame? You never saw it coming. The pressures you put on me, on how I know you want me to be, not your fault. You never meant it right? Didn't even realize what you were doing. I bet you think all you want me to do is love you." He looks thoroughly disgusted. "Why are you saying this stuff?" My voice cracks, I want to start crying, but I realize if I did he'd comfort me, and even though this is horrible, I think it might be taking us exactly where we need to go. "Because it's true. It just is. And all this, this year, it's all because of us never saying true stuff. That hard true stuff. Sometimes we'll even say it, but not with the anger or truth behind the words. I'm fucking pissed off Carrots. That's how I'm feeling. I hate this situation, cause it's making me hate myself. So that's exactly how I'm feeling. What do you got?" "I think I'll take terrified with a side order of really sad." I mutter darkly. "Fine. You think I'm being too hard on you? Am I lying? Making things worse than they are? Being a drama queen?" I almost laugh. It's just, drama queen and Celery in the same sentence... He smiles self-deprecatingly. "It was bound to happen eventually." "You really don't like me?" I whisper, having lost that brief moment of levity. He sighs. "I wonder a lot these days if I even know you," he's sounding gentle now, kind. "If I know myself. Beyond what we've always thought of each other, do we even exist? Is there a Carrots without the `and Celery'? In reverse? I don't want to feel like the only reason I love you is because I always have. Like I'm trapped by our past and that's the only reason we're still together. If I had left, I'd like to think it wouldn't just have been for selfish reasons. Though, I can't deny that would have been a big part of it. But seeing you with Colin, that's a choice you made. You wanted to feel happier, to be more in the world, so you took the step and did it. You made the connection. You spend time with him cause he makes you happy, interests you. It's been driving me crazy, cause I think... maybe those aren't the same reasons you're with me anymore?" "That's not true," I protest automatically. He cocks his head to the side, "Isn't it? Can you honestly say having me back here has been good for you? Has it made your life better? Cause all I see is that it's made you sad and angry. I'm just causing you pain, and to be perfectly frank, that's all you're doing for me." It takes me awhile to regroup after that one, but when I do, I respond with words never in a million lifetimes would I have ever expected to have come out of my mouth. "So what? You want to break up?" "I want nothing less." He says, coming to sit back down on the bed with me. "But I might want things that are impossible. Cause, in a way they pretty much centre on going back in time. Not possible and maybe not even advisable if it was. You've got a good life going here Care – you don't think you'd be happier if I just left you to it?" "No you fucking idiot I DON'T. All that shit you were saying before? About how we don't really see each other for who we are? Well that's damn right if you think I want you to go. You clearly don't see me at all if you think I'm happier without you." "So what are we supposed to do? How do we make this better?" "I don't KNOW. That doesn't mean we can just quit." He sighs heavily. "I know." "We can't ever quit, you and me. We'll always be too important to each other." I hold out my wrist pushing it close to his face. "It means something, what we did last summer. It's security. Whatever happens, I look at this and I KNOW you love me. I know we'll never completely leave each other behind. And maybe right now it seems like all we're doing is stupid angsty shit, but I do LIKE you as well as love you. You make me happy, just you. That's why I want you to stay get it? I want to get past all the drama and just BE with you again. The way we were. With the laughing and stupid jokes and 80's movies and comforting routines." "And the snarky blue haired sidekick one of us hates?" "He's not my sidekick," I mutter poutily. "Whatever. The fact remains." "So you're saying I have to dump Colin? THAT'S the solution? I seem to recall you saying he wasn't even the problem." "He's not. The problem is that our relationship doesn't make room for someone like him, or pretty much anyone else period." "Somewhere Jonas and Kyle are saying, `what're we? Chopped liver?'." "It's different." "I know – so everyone keeps telling me." "Everyone?" I throw him a look. "Colin." "Of course." "That's right. Get upset." Snark. "See?" "Fine. You're a possessive freak and I like it. We're royally fucked up and there's no way either of us can see out of it. Wonderful. I have to go to school." I get up and start rummaging through my drawers looking for clothes. "Carrots, don't walk away from this." He pleads, standing also. "From what? A fight that's going in circles?" He shuts his eyes, wincing like my words were blows. "Fine. Go. I think I'm going to stay here." I'm in no mood to argue further about anything, so I just nod. "Okay. I'll see you later then." I take the clothes I managed to gather and walk out of the room, letting the door slam behind me. I meet Dave in the hall, he looks sleepy and confused. "You guys were fighting AGAIN?" I nod tersely, but offer nothing more, walking briskly into the bathroom and locking the door. I'm surprised to find the kitchen empty when I get there, and eat quickly, hoping my luck will hold and I'll be able to leave for school alone as well. It doesn't. The twins are in the foyer putting their shoes on as I approach the coat rack and a second later a very bleary eyed Jonas is stumbling down the stairs. Someone must have filled Jonas in, cause he's looking at me with the same mix of worry and reproach as the twins. "If any of you lecture me I swear I'm going to get violent." I warn, gritting my teeth. Jonas says nothing, but the twins share a look. When their eyes turn back to me, a very new emotion is there. Disgust. "Fuck you Carrots." Jon sighs, before turning and exiting the house, with Dave hot on his heels. Jonas is frozen, still three steps from the landing. I'm pretty stunned myself. Jonas makes the first move, shaking his head. "It's about damn time someone said it." He sighs and brushes past me, putting his shoes and following in the twins footsteps out the door. I remain standing there for a long time.