Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 16:56:04 -0600 From: Karla Schulz Subject: Carrots and Celery Part Three Chapter 16 I know its been a ridiculously long time since the last chapter but... yeah. The second half of university is turning out to be doubly crazy and life in general has followed suit so that's my excuse. I hope you guys are still with me, out there somewhere still caring about the story. And if that's the case, I hope you enjoy this chapter. Also, I don't know... Happy Valentine's day I guess. I know I'll be wearing a 'magnificantly ugly' green dress and handing out coasters that say "Stop Syphilis" to all the strangers I meet on the street, but I hope you all have fun celebrating however you choose. --- It's a new day, and this time it's me staring at him while he sleeps. I don't know what was going on in Celery's mind when he was watching me, and I'm having trouble sorting out just what exactly is going through mine now, but I'll give a shot at explaining it if you like. Maybe we can muddle through this one together. I know, just looking at him, he's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I know this. I know I don't think there could ever be a more perfect shade of blonde than that of his hair, a more perfectly shaped pair of lips, a lovelier set of cheek bones, eyes with more surprisingly long and thick lashes. I know he has eyes with the power to change my mood in an instant, and a voice I long to hear at all moments. One that sends shivers down my spine every time he says my name. I know when he smiles, I feel like there's nothing else I could ever need on this earth and that when he laughs and it's because of me, I feel like a god. It's his laughter that means the most, his laughter and smiles, his actions and expressions. This is true, because it is Celery who I love - not his cheek bones (lovely though they are) or his hair, or even his lips. I love the boy I knew when we were six, the awkward preteen I first realized meant more to me than anything else, and the very nearly man he is today. I love this new person he seems to have changed into without my knowledge, but he confuses me as well. I love him because he is Celery, and I will always love Celery, no matter what he is or how he's changed. I just need to get to know this new and different person lying beside me, I need to learn his patterns and thoughts so we can be comfortable together again. Comfortable and in sync and happy. I see it as a matter of getting him to be happy, because once Celery is happy, I can easily follow. I can be happy, just knowing he is. This is nothing new. It's familiar even, which is comforting on its own. This new and different Celery who snowboards, hates Avril Lavigne and seems to have the heaviest heart of all the Celery's I've known, he is not a person to whom I'll have trouble giving my love. To stop loving Celery would be impossible at this point, and the desire certainly isn't there, so the thought barely has point to occur. It's different now, for reasons I mostly haven't begun to fathom, but I trust in us. US - Celery and I - it's all I know. In some form or another, it's all I've ever known, and will ever know. I am his. Also very important to remember, he is mine. This new Celery is mine as well, just as I - different to him though I may very well seem - am as ever, Celery's. So now as his eyes open, slowly and with some reluctance, I find myself smiling. I love this person beside me, I just need to get to know him a little better. And that's alright. That can even be a good thing. Exciting and new without being completely terrifying. The smile on my face seems to be coming as a bit of a surprise to Celery, but I'm not about to suppress a totally genuine expression. Certainly not this one, one that is coming out of good things and hope. "I love you Celery," I tell him simply, calmly. Because I do, and I always will and this moment felt like the perfect time to remind him of that. The smile on his own lips comes as an even greater surprise to Celery, but I think it pleases him, cause he lets it stretch out until it's softened his whole face with happiness. "I love you too Carrots. I'm glad you're here," this puzzles me, briefly, but then I understand. Here is where I've been the whole time, physically at least. But maybe (or even probably) my mind and heart have been elsewhere. Or they appeared that way at least. To Celery. "I'm sorry if it seemed like I wasn't, before," He shakes his head gently, reaching over to me, and running his fingers through my hair. "That wasn't your fault. I let myself see stuff that wasn't there - and miss other stuff that was. I'm the one who should be sorry and Carrots, I promise I am." I kiss him, and it's natural, and right, and not laden with anything. "You'll always be the most important thing in my life. That hasn't changed Celery - and it NEVER will," Something disturbingly like doubt crosses his face for the briefest of instants, but then it's gone, and because I want so badly for it not to have been, it's not too hard to pretend like it was never there. "I know," He takes my hand from where it was lying on his shoulder, and kisses it reverently. "I know." Breakfast, unfortunately, does not go as well as waking up did. It starts out alright, but then Kyle asks in passing how everything went with Colin, and Celery shuts down in a heartbeat. And closed off and distant is how he remains for the remainder of breakfast, and all the way through to right now, when we're walking to school, him, me and Jonas. He talks to Jonas a little, short phrases and half smiles, but he barely looks at me. I feel I should probably be sorry about this, and I should be wanting to make it better some how, but to be honest, I'm a little to busy being angry. Very angry, in fact. I don't even know where to start actually. With the angry. For one thing, the way he's acting now, well, it's like this morning never happened. Except that it did, and I really thought it meant something. It sure felt like it did while it was happening. The words we said, the emotions behind them – that was real. But now he's ruining all that again. Making it sound false and empty. Which hurts a lot. But it's definitely an anger thing as well. Anger for the situation itself, and anger for the pain as result of the situation. Angry also because he seems to think this is somehow okay. To act like this because of Colin. Who is my FRIEND. But because Celery wants some excuse to be in a bad mood, or to sulk and brood so I'll give him all this attention and try to comfort him, and Colin's the only convenient one around, he gets to be the bad guy? Is that what this is about? Cause I really don't know if I can stomach this it if is. He can't not know Colin's just a friend. In fact, how dare he think anything else. How can he imply that it could be anything else. After all this time, should I really be expected to reassure him of my feelings? Reminding him I love him is not something I have a problem with - in fact I look at it as more of a joy - but this, this is different. This is proving to him I won't and am not doing something I never would in a million years. Something he KNOWS I would never do in a million, billion years. I finally consider this all very unfair to Colin himself. Okay, so he wasn't exactly the nicest version of himself yesterday, and he didn't exactly go out of his way to win Celery over but the point is he shouldn't have HAD to. The fact is, Celery has no plausible reason to dislike Colin so much or so openly, and all he's doing is messing everything up. Making people uncomfortable and angry. Namely me. Maybe I'm being awful and selfish and really self-centered about all of this, but damnit - so is he. And for once, I'm not going to pour all my resources into making him feel better. For once, I'm worrying about ME first, and I'm dealing with MY side of what's going on and that's all there is to it. If this is how he's going to be, then fine. I can be an idiot too. As I'm sure you can attest to. At school, which is where we are right now, everyone is delighted to see Celery. A bizarrely large number of people keep coming out of nowhere to give him hugs, slaps on the back, and other gestures of greeting and welcome. And I'd probably be really happy for him if I wasn't currently stewing in my own bitter juices, with my arms crossed and a completely childish pout frown type thing in charge of my face. "You're cheerful this morning," Comes Colin's voice from behind my right ear. I spin around, and find myself extremely happy to see him. "I'm alright - just you know," I nod over at Celery, who is currently ending a three-way hug with two people I swear I've never seen before in my entire life, and laughing with them like they're his best friends in the whole world. Colin rolls his eyes deprecatingly. "Wonder boy," that pretty much sums it up, yeah. "Everything's weird," Colin puts his arm around me, an action I find wildly ironic at this moment. "People change," I snap my head to look at him so fast I almost get dizzy. "Not us!" He smiles sadly, tilting his head slightly to the side. "I'm not saying your feelings for him have to change, or they don't have to go away, anyway. But you're different now, so is he. That's what happens. You're both growing up, and it just so happens that lately, the growing up you've been doing has been happening in two really different situations and places. So you HAVE changed - both of you. That doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing," I sigh, "I don't like change," "I know you don't," I sigh again, even more poutishly. "I was okay with this. This morning, when I first woke up, I had a good talk with myself. I had everything figured out. I realized it wasn't so bad that we'd both changed some, cause getting to know the new Celery could be a really interesting, good thing. I was down with it. And when he woke up, we had a really good moment. Then breakfast happened and everything got all shitty again." Throughout my little quiet temper tantrum, Celery didn't even look my way. Too busy with yet another group of adoring 'friends'. Jonas is with him, but he looks as swept up in everything as the rest of them do. I tear my eyes away from that and go back to looking into Colin's. I see concern there. "I'm alright," I say with a shrug. "No you're not," He looks over at Celery, but I don't follow his gaze. "And neither is he." Then I have to look. Celery's mouth is still moving, and whatever conversation he's having with the group is continuing, but his eyes are fixed on me. And what I see there chills my heart. The pain in his face is so clear, and it's like his heart is crying out to me through his grey eyes. My anger is instantly erased and all I want to do is to go to him, but there's so much in the way. There's Colin beside me, the about 15 feet between us, and the seven or eight people crowded around him, vying for his attention. I want to see him take a few steps, or even one, just some small indication he's trying to break away from the crowd to get to me - that's all I need to be able to start moving myself, but it doesn't happen. Instead our eyes hold for another second, and then mine drop from his gaze - or maybe his did. Either way, what ever tenuous connection we formed has been broken, and he's back talking to the crowd, and I'm back standing alone. Colin is with me, but I'm very much alone. In class, things continue to go badly. Badly like everyone shooting me disapproving glances, then shifting to ones of thinly veiled pity when looking in Celery's direction. Badly like Colin and Celery having another face off glare match about who was going to sit beside me in my first class. In the end, Celery won, only because I managed to get a pleading glance over Colin's way while Celery's was momentarily distracted. Badly like right now, Celery sitting beside me, holding my hand (my mind screaming - how can anything be bad while that is happening) and Colin in the desk behind me. Humming "Every breathe you take". In a bad way. I want to turn around and glare at him, and frankly, I can't think of any reason why I shouldn't. So that's exactly what I do. He stops humming, and smiles at me innocently, twiddling his thumbs. I feel amusement battling annoyance, and eventually I decide to call it a draw so I can go back to facing the front and not listening to the lesson. After about thirty seconds, Colin starts up again. I dare to take a peak at Celery, and he meets my look head on. I smile tentatively, and he squeezes my hand. "Love you," I mouth. He nods. "Me too," but then he looks away, and I feel the wall between us coming right back up. Miserably, I slide a little lower in my chair. Colin is no longer humming, but at this point, that's small comfort. Lunch is a whole new definition of bad. The cafeteria, and all I want to do is sit at a table alone with Celery and maybe Jonas - and just eat my lunch in peace. Maybe spend a little time with my fucking husband, and try to work this shit out a little. But of course that doesn't happen. Because this is me we're talking about. What I wanted was a peaceful, quiet lunch, what I get is something like twenty people packed at our one little table that could never reasonably be expected to house more than six, and even that's pushing it. The only good thing about the whole hour is the occasional, brief, apologetic looks Celery offers in my direction. Sometimes in all the noise and confusion, I swear he's smiling the smile that's only for me, and I almost feel okay again. But then the crowd starts up again, and his eyes are yanked away from mine, and I feel lost and alone all over again. With those feelings, again comes anger. Anger cause the apologetic looks aren't enough. Anger because there's a voice inside me that's getting pretty damn vocal, which keeps pointing out that if he really wanted to, Celery could just get up from the table, take my hand, and we could walk away from all this. We could go somewhere and be alone. Really be TOGETHER, like we're supposed to be. I suppose it's true that I could do the same thing. I could get up, only right now, I'm a little afraid he wouldn't follow. Right now he's so busy with everyone else, I'm not even entirely sure he'd notice. Which is pretty much where I lose it. Not notice?! Well fuck that. So I get up, and rather angrily at that. Then I storm away from the table. And I get all the way out of the cafeteria, before I suddenly realize I'm having trouble breathing. Because he didn't follow me. He didn't follow me. I can't bring myself to look back, but naturally my mind in having a little field day, images of Celery, still sitting at the table, talking and laughing. Like maybe he really didn't even notice. Or worse, simply doesn't care. I make it to the bathroom before I start really hyperventilating. Before I start sobbing so hard I'm doubled over. Before Colin finds me, and holds me while I cry. "What happened?" He whispers eventually. I just shake my head. "Nothing," "That was going to be my first guess," He jokes softly, wiping the tears from my cheeks. "I'm pretty sure it's stupid," I respond in a choked voice. "Possible. Still something more than nothing got you crying like that," "I... he," I shake away the returning urge to cry a little more. "Lunch, with everyone, it all got to be too much and I," my voice hitches, "I left." I close my eyes, shutting the opening for the tears. "He didn't come after me." "Ah," Colin's voice is barely audible, but his arms tighten around me. "Do you think it's stupid?" I find myself asking. "Hell yes," He says fiercely. I pull away a little, startled. He smiles wearily. "Him Asparagus - not you. He's an idiot if he didn't follow you." It's a shock, but I'm able to return the smile, if only slightly. "Thanks man," He shrugs. "The truth is something I require no thanks for offering." I roll my eyes a bit at this, feeling like I'm returning to myself again. "And here I was, thinking you only told the truth when it was going to end up pissing a lot of people off," He grins. "That's good too." I give him a final thank-you squeeze, and then let Colin go. We help each other up, and I finish wiping my face. I peer at myself in the dirty mirror for awhile, poking at my blotchy tear stained face. "I look like shit," He nods. "That you do." "More of that honestly thing you're so fond of right?" "That's right," I sigh. "You ready to go back out there?" He asks, very gently. "I guess. Not the cafeteria, but I guess I could be up for a little hallway roamage," "With you every step of the way man," He assures me. I take great comfort in this. "Okay then, let's go." So we walk. We roam the halls. And after about five minutes, Celery almost runs us over. I stare at him, and he stares at me. "I was looking for you," He blurts, slightly winded. I remain impassive. "Were you." "Yeah, when you left - I didn't know what was going on. I came after you but, I don't know, you were out of sight." Which means he followed me out, but only after about five minutes (the time it took for me to calm down enough to even make it to the bathroom from my place slumped against the cafeteria doors). "I went to the bathroom," Celery hand is suddenly on my face, and he's stroking my cheek tenderly. It's still damp. "That's it?" "No," I answer honestly. Celery's gaze shifts over to Colin, and I feel a surge of anger. "It's got nothing to do with him!" He looks back at me. He doesn't say anything. I take a step away from him, fully angry again. "Care--" "Don't." I shake my head. "We can talk about this later. Class is starting in a couple minutes anyway," He nods mutely, but inches closer. I sigh. "What?" He looks at me sorrowfully. "I'm sorry," He whispers. "Okay," I say heavily, and let him put his arm around me. In the near background, I can practically hear Colin rolling his eyes. The afternoon is... well, mostly silent. It's an up and down period at best. Celery stays close to me at all times, and he keeps up the physical contact, but that's pretty much it. No talking, no meeting my eyes. Really no indication at all that he's going to be ready to talk about anything, or in any other way acknowledge what's going on between us. When the day in finally over, Colin has the tact to simply nod and leave our farewells at that. I recognize fully it's something he's doing out of respect for me, and the gesture is totally appreciated. Walking home with Celery and Jonas is a bit tense, but at least we're finally pretty much alone. You know. Minus the horde. After school and alone time doesn't really go to great either. We try to gather at the kitchen table and do our homework as usual, but Celery doesn't have any, so he ends up spending the time staring at me quite mournfully, which is rather distracting. I eventually have to give it up with apologies to the understanding but admittedly bewildered Jonas, and head for my room. Celery follows me in a way I hate and am forced to describe as meekly. Having him trail after me like a kicked puppy all the way up the stairs to my room gets to be a little much and as soon as we get inside I slam him up against the recently shut door (which okay, I could only do cause he let me) and demand, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" He lets me keep him pinned there while avoiding my eyes. "Celery?" I press, my tone, if anything, hardening. "I haven't quite gotten that one figured out yet." He admits, doing, if nothing else, a damn good impression of honestly. I drop my hands from his shoulders and back off, but he chooses to remain pressed up against the door. "It's Colin, isn't it?" I ask in a kind of tired, morbidly curious way. "Or so it would appear." He mutters. "Which means WHAT Celery?" Starting to get frustrated again. He sighs, "Which means, it's not that simple. I wish it was, because then there'd be a simple solution as well. But Colin's not the problem." "So what is then?" I follow his eyes wherever they go, refusing to drop contact. "Me." He answers mutely. This knocks a considerable amount of the indignation out of my sails. I walk over to the bed and half collapse into it. He waits several seconds before slowly joining me. I hold out my hand and he takes it. "I'm tired of this." I murmur, looking away from him. "I know. Me too." I think for maybe the first time since he got back, we're actually understanding each other. "It seems like all we do these days is fight and make up, do stupid stuff and then retract it... it's not how I want us to be." I clarify the points he already knows. "I seem to dimly recall it's exactly how we once promised each other we never would be." I have to look at him then, startled by the memory of us, one or two days into our courtship, sitting at the kitchen table, mocking That 70's Show and vowing to never be one of those lame couples that are forever having stupid fights and then having cheesy reconciliations. Can I get away with saying that feels like a lifetime ago without sounding like a total prat? Cause it does. "Oh god. We've become everything we hate." I wail, a small laugh in my voice. The smile on his lips is so beautiful in all its tenderness and uncertainly it's hard for me to believe things are so wrong with us. Except that they are. But at least now we're talking about it. Sort of. "Cel? How is it you? What did you mean?" "I haven't changed. I thought I had, I thought I was over being so possessive and controlling, but I see that I'm not. It was easy enough to fool myself when I didn't have to see you with other people, but as soon as I got here, amidst the strangeness of my arrival, during what I wanted to be a private moment between us, there was Colin. And it seems like I haven't been able to get away from him since. He just pops up everywhere? Either in person or in your conversations. Except, there's no reason that should be a bad thing. You obviously care about each other, you said yourself how much he's helped you the past couple months. I should love him just for that, instead I kind of hate him. Which is NOT his fault, and that's why he's not the problem. It's me and my idiot reactions. But I can't seem to stop seeing what's not there and over and miss reacting to what is." "And this is why you've been brooding the entire time you've been here?" "You noticed that huh?" "I notice everything." I say bluntly. He nods. "I know. Hasn't stopped me from acting like the Original Asshole." "It really hasn't." I'm forced to agree. "So – to make use of a horribly over used phrase – where do we go from here?" I struggle to find an answer, but do not. "I don't know." "Well at least we're finally on the same page." "Good silver lining there Celery." I mock gently, curling up against his just a little. He looks down at me, a sad half smile on his lips. "I think maybe I need... I don't know. I don't know how to stop feeling like this." "Stay." As the thought suddenly occurs. "Stay?" "Yeah, just don't go back. Stay here, stay with me. Get used to stuff. Become apart of my life again, I mean, an actively participating part. Just stay." "I... I mean, I can't," He stammers. "Why not?" He shrugs with his whole body. "Well, I mean, for all the reasons I couldn't stay the first time. Plus I have to finish my school year and then there's my job... Carrots, even if I didn't have those things, I want to get better at not feeling like I have to dominate your whole existence all the time. Staying... it'll just be more of this." He finishes off weakly, as if he's sorry it's true, but still feels like it had to be said. "You can't get used to something, you can't learn to be okay with something, if you're never in contact with it. Cause then it's all just in theory, and it WILL be more of this. Stay and let us work at it together and things'll get better. I know they will." "Wow. Blind optimism. It's been awhile." I glare at him. "Making fun of me is not getting you rapidly back into my good graces." But I'm mostly teasing. After all, it's like I said to him once way back in the beginning – 10 years plus and he's never been out of them. Cause no matter what I'll always be pathetically in love with the guy. Original Asshole or not. Does he know it? "Cel," "Yeah?" "I love you." He smiles. "Yeah. I know you do." "It's important to me that you understand no matter what you do, all the stupid stuff we both do... I'm always going to –" "Hey, Care, love, I know. Love you too yeah? I'm just... I need to get this fixed." "It's not just you. It can't be." He looks at me questioningly. "How are you feeling?" I run my hands through my hair. "That's a tough question." "How the FUCK are you feeling?" He growls it, but then smiles a little. I roll my eyes. "Your sense of humor remains focused on making fun of me I see." "Told you I hadn't changed." "I suppose you did." "That's one dodge. You're not getting another. Answer the question." "I'm feeling," I sigh, "It's hard to say. An hour ago, I was pretty pissed off. Most of the day I'd say pissed off would accurately describe my mood. But I mean, I was also really like, scared. Cause I didn't, and don't really, understand what's been going on with you. You've been so distant, so miserable so much of the time since you've been back. And I was so sure the minute you walked through the door everything would be okay, although, the fact that I expected you to walk through the door a couple weeks ago may have had something to do with the less than picture perfect reunion." "Yeah, that really got us off on the wrong foot didn't it?" It's pretty much rhetorical. In the quiet, I hear Kyle's usual noisy arrival downstairs. Celery's eyes suddenly get a little brighter. "Care, why don't you, like, go out?" I raise my eye brows. "I think I speak for all of me when I say – huh?" "Go out. Go hang with Colin or something. Let me just, be here. I won't brood, I'll just chill with Jonas and Kyle for awhile." "You think this will help?" I ask, slowly turning the idea over in my mind. "I think it needs to start happening. And I need to start getting okay with it. Like you said." "Are you going to stay?" Suddenly on the brink of exultation. "Until the end of Spring Break at least... I, we'll see." I lean over and kiss him softly. "Okay you realize that's totally cheating right?" I smile with blatant evil. "Fully aware." And with that I get up and bound out of the room. Kyle does a double take when he sees me throwing on my shoes and starting to leave the house. "Where are you going?" "Colin's." I answer simply. "Without Celery?" "It was his idea." Kyle comes closer to me, putting his hands on my shoulders. "What's going on with you guys?" "Stuff. Some of it bad, but we're trying to work it out. This is plan A. He wants to talk to you though, you and Jonas, so you can find out more from him okay? But don't just drill him about us stuff alright? Just be his brother." Kyle smiles. "I can do that." "Knew I could count on you." I offer not further farewell, but just turn and let myself out of the house. When I walk into his bedroom, Colin is only mildly surprised to see me, and from that little bit of surprise he recovers quickly, smiling at me sardonically asking, "Where's Wonder Boy?" "You really need to stop calling him that," I say, trying to act like I don't have a stupid smirk on my face. "That's right, cause it bothers you so much," I try unsuccessfully to glare. "Really, cut it out. And no more humming Every Breath You Take when you're in the same room together either," He raises his eyebrows. "You mean there's going be a next time? Sure you want to risk it? We might start pulling each others hair and using our nails," I slump down on the bed beside him with a tired sigh. "What was up with that anyway? I mean like, oil and water get along better," denial is a beautiful thing, friends. And I know it well. "Oh come now Carrots, you don't need me to explain it to you." He says more softly and seriously than expected. "Maybe I do. Why shouldn't you be able to be friends?" He smiles at me wearily, and reaches over to smooth some of my hair away from my face, sending a shiver down my spine. "You want to listen to some N'sync? Boybands and rappers, too much fun...?" I sigh, realizing that whatever the hell he just did is the only answer I'm going to get. My head's too full, and I don't have the energy to think about what any of this means, so I nod, settling against his back as he turns his cd player on with the remote and the remix of Girlfriend starts playing. We talk a little, later, in the early evening, just about Celery and how weird he's been acting, and a little also about how weird I've been feeling, but Colin is strangely silent. I mean, he's always up for letting me have a good ramble, but he doesn't cut in once with any of his own signature brand of wisdom, and I find myself falling silent as well, uncomfortable with having my voice be the only one filling the silence. "I've caused you a lot of trouble," He says eventually, shaking his head, at least 10 minutes after I drifted off the most recent time. "No, it's not your fault. Even Celery doesn't think so." "Still, I saw what was going on with him. I didn't try to make it better, actually, I feel obligated to admit under the terms of our agreement that I sort of tried to make it worse." This revelation leaves me temporarily stunned. It takes me awhile to respond. "Why?" One word at a time people. "You're such a smart guy Carrots. Sometimes it really baffles me how oblivious you can be." His tone isn't mean, just, genuinely well, baffled. "You don't...? I mean, you're not?" "In love with you?" He laughs. "No Carrots, I don't think even you'd have been able to miss that if it were the case. Doesn't mean I don't get jealous." "Why? We're friends, other people have more than one friend at a time, its one of the perks of the friends set up." "I think we both know that none of the three of us in this mess are exactly what you'd call `other people'." It kills me when people are right about stuff I don't want to be true. I'm hating him a little bit right now, cause I know he's right, and it's making me feel like an idiot. "But I mean, you knew... you knew how it was between us, how important he is to me. I thought you were cool with it." "Me too." "So basically, you both resent the others presence in my life, and thus, hate each other by default." "In a word – yeah." "This kind of sucks for me," He grins. "I know. Sorry." I think he means it, even though he doesn't sound remotely apologetic. "You guys could like, have a twister grudge match to settle the score." "How flexible is he?" He wants to know, like I just made a valid suggestion. "Pretty damn flexible," I say with a wicked smile. "I'm so sorry I asked." Colin bemoans, covering his shaking head with his hands. I'm less than sympathetic. I just kick his leg. "What am I going to do with you?" I ponder. "Is that rhetorical?" "Not if you have a good answer." "Can't say that I do. I mean, from my own selfish point of view, having Celery swoop back into town hasn't exactly been a magical fun tour. However despite all the shit, I see that you love him. And that he loves you. In a kind of a fucked up way, but hey." He shrugs. "Now Carrots, you're the first true friend I've ever had, and if I had to give that up, I'd be very put out to say the least, but I can see when I'm beat. The guy is your soul mate. You're married to him. You've been best friends pretty much your entire lives. I can't compete with that." "So what are you saying?" I want him to tell me I'm wrong thinking what I am. "I'm saying if it's what needs to happen, I'll bow out. I'll leave you alone. If having me around you is going to mess with your marriage, I just won't be around. I won't be responsible for wrecking a love like most people don't ever get to experience. It'd be seriously bad Karma." "That means a lot, I mean, that you'd do that for me... but the idea that it'd be necessary sucks. Cause like, I may be weird and my relationship with Celery even weirder, but if it doesn't allow for other people to become important to me, to US, then it's so damn screwed up we're gonna end up hating each other. I don't want to ever hate Celery, cause even if I did I'd still love him, and the kind of miserable that would be I don't even want to think about. I also don't want to give you up, cause you're my dude and I love you." "Hey Care, ever heard the expression you can't have your cake and eat it too?" His tone is gentle. "This is not an impossible thing I'm asking for!" I protest. "I want to have a relationship with the guy I love, and I want to have friends. It's not exactly a new idea. It's been done. Like, come on – it worked with Jonas!" "No but that's different. That was a team effort. You both got to know him at the same time, he cares for you equally and vice versa. With me, man, Celery doesn't even LIKE me. And I don't think he ever will. For reasons even beyond the jealously issues I mean. I know cause I don't really like him either. I think he's way too possessive and I don't know... a bit boring? I can only imagine what he thinks of me. So you see, we'd never be friends, him and me. And it's fine for you to have friends, but maybe the way you guys are just doesn't leave room for a friend that's for just one of you only. Especially when it's someone like me." "Meaning?" "Meaning I don't like to share either. This isn't purely selfless, what I've been telling you. I've gotten used to being the main person in your life who was around. I'm spoiled now. I'm not too stoked on the idea of getting demoted you know? After awhile I'd get pissed off about it, and we'd probably start to fight. So maybe a nice parting of the ways now would save us some trouble later on." "Why is nothing in my life ever simple?" "Cause you're not that boring," He shrugs, like it's so obvious he didn't see the need for the question. "May you always live in interesting times?" Rueful. "Pretty much." "Simple things up for me for awhile would you Colin? Just for like an hour, okay? I need to breath for just a little while." He nods. "Whatever you need Asparagus," And turns his back to me, once again hitting play on his cd player. Losing Grip starts to play, and I sigh comfortably, and relax against him.