Date: Wed, 03 Dec 2003 12:32:06 -0600 From: Karla Schulz Subject: Carrots and Celery Part Three Chapter 12 So, did you guys all rock out for Halloween? I know I did. It's like the best holiday since, like... Arbour Day. Anyway, has it been awhile since the last chapter? Must be, cause I can't remember when I posted it. Oh well. You guys love me anyway. Read now. --- Okay. So I maybe I was being a little bit optimistic. Maybe a more than a bit. 'Cause, it's been a week now, a day or two more than actually, and in all honesty friends, life is not going well. It's like all the tension and badness going on in the world of Kyle and Jonas set off a chain reaction and now the whole lot of us are fucked. I'll start by telling you about the twins. These guys (continuing the trend of seeming to have grown up without my knowledge or permission) are suddenly getting pretty serious about the whole young adult thing, and for a bunch of weeks leading up to now, they both had serious crush action going on. I know this because they told me during one of our, they play video games, I try, and they mock my pathetic attempts sessions. And it was all going very well for them when it was a shared experience. They would alternate between sharing their feelings and making fun of each other and it was a good time had by all. But then they started actually going out with these girls. And that's when disaster struck. I think even you lot can probably guess what happened. After all, whose little brothers are they anyway? Yes. Very good. They freaked out. Supremely. See, the thing is, once they got these girls to go out with them, they started spending all this time with said girls. Time spent not with each other. This lasted a few days, and then this past Friday, they ran into each other in the front hall, both heading out for dates or whatever. Now Friday has always sort of been the day of them, like Saturday was for me and Celery. They often go out, but always with each other. Or they'll stay in and have a gaming tournament or what have you. So when the running into each other with separate destinations things happened, they had a sort of meltdown. It wasn't very pretty. Believe me, I was there. Anyway, now they're pulling at me and Celery and seem terrified to leave each other's side. Seriously, outside of the bathroom, I don't think I've seen them more than a foot away from each other since that night. It's not just that either. They have this whole mass of guilt about what happened with Jonas. But I'll get more into that later. 'Cause it doesn't end with the twins. Kara (though she still may be a couple years shy of it) appears to have been hit with the angst and moodiness teenhood inevitably brings. And I'll tell you, it's come as a bit of a shock. To all of us. As a rule, Kara's historically been one of the most collected calm little people I know. She's always been so self contained and serene. Away from most of the insanity that infects this household, quietly doing her own thing and taking care of herself. I don't even think I've ever seen her cry except for when Celery was leaving. And now she's all erratic and mood swingy. It's quite unsettling. As for me, I haven't talked to Celery much lately and that never spells goodness in my life. So there's that, a large contributing factor to badness, and then also there's all the idiots at school who are still treating me like I'm some ho-bag traitor to Celery's memory for hanging out with Colin. Thus, I'm acting as rotten as the rest of the crew. With all the combined tension in the air plus regular stress from running a business, my parents are barely holding it together themselves. Since the night we brought Jonas home with us, he's been sleeping in my old room. The one I moved out of after Kyle got his place over the garage and I took over his room. I don't know if they discussed it or not, but something about the hurt baffled look Kyle gets every night when Jonas heads for that door makes me think they didn't. Or if they did, it wasn't something they agreed on. But it's not as bad as that makes it sound. They're still talking. And staying very close, even if they rarely actually touch. The almost touches didn't start until a couple days ago, so maybe progress is kinda being made. And talking's good. Lots of talking is really good. It's not just Kyle Jonas will talk to either. In some ways, he still seems really closed up about what happened with his parents, but at the same time, he's very open to talking about it. He even talked to Celery once, but neither of them would tell me what they discussed, and I didn't press. The only thing that worries me is how little emotion goes into his words when he does all that talking. It reminds me too much of me, but mostly worries me just because it's Jonas, and he's always had such a passion about him I'm afraid he might have lost. I know it's only been a week, and that really, expecting things to be better already would have been pretty naive and all, but is it wrong of me to have hoped for that anyway? I love my brothers, and I want them to be okay. But they're really not. Jonas is mostly in his own little world, and judging by the looks on his face he forgets to hide, it's not a very fun one. Kyle's trapped up by guilt and worry and a good strong dose of self-loathing, and then of course there's the twins to consider as well. Those girls they liked were a good distraction from all the guilt and responsibility they're feeling over what happened with Jonas, but since that all fell apart in the worst way, they've sunken lower and lower. I think Kara's problems may just be her picking up on everything bad that's going on and not being able to escape it like she usually manages to because it's just too damn strong around her, not to mention everywhere. She barely has Mom to turn to these days, since worrying about all six of us and the bakery is leaving her spread pretty damn thin. Dad's never really been the deep `share and grow' conversations kind of guy for any one of us. His love is clear and unquestionable, and that's usually enough. It's just this force throughout the house most of the time, and we can all feel it, making us stronger. But right now that's all messed up too, because he's so worried about everything he can't be calm for the rest of us. I've always needed the grounding and strength Celery's presence in my life has offered me to maintain some level of peace and sanity, and with our lack of contact as of late in addition to all else that has been going down, I'm feeling sadly lacking in both those areas at the moment. It really is a very sad state of affairs. And we're pretty much all feeling sorry for ourselves just to add final icing to the pain cake, so that isn't helping matters. All in all, it's fairly safe to say nothing's coming up Vasskez. Colin came over once this week, and he got this horrible look on his face the minute he walked through the door. When I asked him what was the matter, he turned the question back to me. "I don't know, nothing I guess." "Dude, this house is like, misery central. What the hell kind of emotional pollutants are you all putting out into the air?" I just raised my eyebrow at him, uncertain about how to answer such a question. He was quiet for awhile, then came a sigh. "You, I know, are upset because of not talking to Celery, the weirdness about everyone at school, and something about your older brother and his dreadly boyfriend. I'm going to assume that whatever's got you so twisted is the same thing that's got them sending out the bad vibes. But this is like, a family affair. What's up with the rest of your crew?" I shrugged. "Lots. The Jonas and Kyle stuff mostly. It's big and bad and doing a number on all of us. The twins are having some issues of their own separate from the big bad which is just making dealing that bit harder. Even my sister Kara is freaking. My parents are just trying to hold it all together." Colin nodded. "It's bad, huh? Everything with your bro and Jonas?" I nodded shortly. "I didn't know, man. Not that it was this bad. Could have told me, eh? You know I'm always up for a good vent." I smiled sadly. "Do know that, man, really. But I just haven't really been feeling like one. This is more of a brood and feel miserable kind of deal. At least all the me stuff is. The Jonas and Kyle thing? It's a lot more serious than that. None of us know what to do, and we're all thinking pretty damn hard on it. Yeah, it's bad." He put one arm around me, and smiled in that "I'm here for you" way. Took me a couple seconds, but I smiled back. And that was like, maybe the only good thing that's happened all week. One almost happy moment with Colin, and the rest has been pretty much shit. I don't know what the solution is, and the rest of them are as clueless as me. It's like we're all waiting for something to happen, but none of us know what, and so far, whatever it is, it sure seems shy. Monday now and school is the thing. I walked here with Jonas, but he disappeared off somewhere shortly after we entered the building, so I don't know where he is now. At the moment I'm sitting with Colin on one of the bench things our school has hanging around all over the place in all the alcove type deals. We're not doing much, just sitting and not really talking, but every once in awhile when someone passes us they'll glare or get a really ugly look on their face while staring at us. Colin usually tells them to fuck off or hit the road, but I don't exactly feel compelled to ask him to stop. I mean, I don't really consider us to be the ones needing a behavior adjustment. For the most part, the glarers have been people I only sort of know, the ones I never got more than fractionally close to or that I knew only slightly through Celery, so it doesn't really bother me a huge much. But when Brian walks by, and looks at me for a second, only to turn away like he can't stand to look at me, it hurts. "This is getting so old," I say bitterly. "I know." "How do we stop it?" "Don't know that." I sigh. Colin reaches over and squeezes my shoulder. "Don't let it get to you, man." I shake my head. "How can I not? He was supposed to be my friend. And I'm sick of saying he should have known better but that doesn't make it any less true. He should have known. They all should have." Colin nods. "I know." The day doesn't improve from there, and when I meet up with Jonas to head home, he's looking pretty rough. "You okay, bro?" I figure my tone sort of implies I mean in addition to everything else that's been making him not okay all the past week and up till now. "Just really mixed up." I take his hand. It's a totally brotherly thing. Jonas smiles a bit and squeezes back. "Something new?" He shrugs. "My parents called me." "What?" "This morning at school. They," he takes a breath, "They wanted me to come over, you know, to talk and have dinner. I can't even tell you how weird it was being invited over to dinner at my own house." I don't even bother attempting to get my mind around such a feeling. "You're going to do it?" He looks afraid to answer me, and that in itself is answer enough. "I see." "Carrots, I need to." He speaks quietly. "Kyle's probably going to flip." Not like he doesn't already know that. "Yeah, I know." "But it's necessary?" He nods. "Okay. You've got my full support. I'll back you with Kyle if you need it." He smiles gratefully. "Thanks, Carrots," I give his hand one more squeeze and then let go. "Least I can do, bro." We get home, and try to do our homework. Jonas is having trouble 'cause he's so nervous and jumpy, and I'm having a rough time concentrating sitting next to him, soaking up all his vibes. An end to our suffering finally arrives when Kyle gets home. He shouts a hello and then saunters into the kitchen. Jonas stands up to face him. His expression makes Kyle instantly wary. "What?" he asks like he knows he doesn't want to hear the answer. "I'm going to see my parents." I see Kyle's hands forming tight fists, but his face remains calm. "When?" "Tonight, they invited me over for dinner." Kyle raises his eyebrows, but leaves the question unsaid. Jonas sighs. "They called me at school." Kyle does the half nod thing, too upset to pull off the full I guess. Too preoccupied clenching his jaw and willing himself to keep it together. Outwardly at least. "Just like that?" "No Kyle! Not `just like that'! But I have to go." Jonas just barely manages to keep the panic in his eyes out of his voice. "Alone?" Guilt adds its name to all the other bad emotions already taking residence in Jonas. "Yes." Kyle lets out a noise disturbingly like a growl and turns away. "No fucking way," he mutters. "Kyle! Please don't do this to me – I have to see if there's something salvageable there. They're my PARENTS." When Kyle doesn't turn back around, Jonas takes the few steps over and turns him around roughly, forcing Kyle to look at him. His eyes plead with Kyle. "Kyle, I love my parents. I can't just turn my back on that." He stops for a moment, having lost his steam, but then gets it back and continues with new fervor, "And don't you even TRY to tell me we wouldn't be having this exact same discussion if the situation was reversed. So your parents are great about all this – what if they weren't? Are you honestly going to try and stand here and tell me you'd just be able to walk away? It'd never happen, Kyle. I know how much they mean to you – I see it every day. And maybe it's harder for you because you haven't really seen how important my parents are to me, at least not in practice or for good reason, but they ARE. The point is, I know what your parents mean to you, and I'd never ask you to give that up. Please don't ask it of me." In my mind, I silently beg Kyle not to do something stupid. To just let Jonas do this. He has to see it's what Jonas needs to do. "Okay." "Okay?" "My caveman moment has passed," Kyle says with a rueful smile. Then he shrugs. "Jonas, you don't need my permission to do whatever you need to do to make things alright again. I want you to be happy. Truly happy. I'd be a million different kinds of liar if I said I didn't understand why you need your parents in your life to be that. I don't like that it's alone, or so soon, and I wish I knew why they suddenly made this move, but I can't and won't try and stop you. Love you, man, I just want what's best for you." Jonas' face is let on low beam. "I love you too, Kyle." Then it's hug time. "You guys really need to get a room," I say dryly when hugging becomes kissing. "You know you love it," Kyle says with a grin. "Yeah – whatever." Jonas leaves a couple hours later, after getting a fierce good bye kiss from Kyle and a passionately delivered reminder that if anything goes wrong or he just suddenly feels like he can't handle stuff, Jonas is to call or come back immediately. Once he's gone, Kyle turns to me and shrugs. "Care, I'm gonna need..." I nod. "Say no more. Go, brood. Break things if necessary – just make sure they're yours and don't an immense amount of monetary or emotional value." Once Jonas's been gone three hours and there's been no word of any kind, Kyle takes his brooding into my room. I think he really did break all his none precious slash highly expensive items back in his apartment. The twins are in their room, getting their frustration out in the way of violent video games. When they got home from practice and we told them where Jonas was, they wanted to form another vigilante rescue party, but I eventually talked them down from that. Kyle couldn't help 'cause at the time he was too busy punching a wall. "What do you think is taking so long?" He's pacing back and forth, occasionally wringing his hands. "I don't know. I guess there's a lot they need to sort through." "I can't stand the waiting," he mutters darkly. "That's glaringly obvious." He stops the pacing thing and stares at me, almost glaring. Then sighs. "Nice try." I smile. "I thought it was worth a shot." You know. Keeping him distracted by being mad at me for awhile. It's worked for me in the past. Beats pacing. "Almost worked for a second." I ponder other options. "We could play scrabble." "The real kind?" Just another reminder of Celery, and it causes a flash of pain. Kyle is immediately apologetic. "Sorry, I didn't think it was bad to..." "It's not usually. Just sometimes. You know, lately. We haven't talked much. I miss him in a whole different way and handling it hasn't exactly worked out well so far." "Call him." I sigh. "I have, I do. So does he. That's not the problem. We're never home at the same time anymore. Our lives are pulling us in different directions, again." Kyle walks over to the bed, and takes a seat beside me. "I thought you guys were doing okay. I'm sorry – I should have been paying more attention." I shrug. "S'okay. You've got your own issues. Being a little distracted from Carrots morale watch is totally understandable." He leans against me for a second, softer than a push, more comforting. I lean back and then we separate a little again. "You're looking forward to Spring Break though, right?" My grin is automatic. "Of course!" Kyle laughs. "That's the C1 I know and love." My grin softens into a smile. "Mostly it's just me letting myself feel bad. Indulging. It really hasn't been that long. And soon I'll get to see him. I shouldn't complain, or feel entitled to. Besides, what's going on with Jonas is so much bigger. I have to stay focused." "Oh, is it better to dwell on other people's problems instead of your own?" I give him the `don't be a goof' smile. "Focus as in helping, not focus as in dwelling. Though okay, a little dwelling and general broodiness may also be involved." "Same old Carrots." I raise an eyebrow, and he smiles in that older, wiser, slightly more world weary brotherly way. "You think we're ever going to grow out of hiding from the serious stuff with jokes?" I think about it for awhile, and then just shake my head. "No." I smile at him sadly. "I don't think we will." He's calm for a few minutes after that, but then Kyle gets up and starts pacing again, so I figure it's time to try another tack for keeping him distracted. "Kyle, what do you and Jonas do?" "Do?" "Yeah, when you're alone and just hanging out. I mean, I know you have the paintball thing and... Chinese checkers, but that can't take up all your time." He shrugs. "We don't do much. Mostly we're just together and that's what counts. We talk a lot. About the future, what we want out of life, places we want to see, things we want to do... In a lot of ways, nothing's any different than it was before, except we're braver now." "What do you mean?" Forgetting about being distracting now and simply interested. "It's like, before, we'd have to handle stuff differently. We'd make plans in that same dreamy way we do now, but before we'd either avoid the reasons our plans always seemed to include the other or joke about it. Now we're more honest, we admit at least most of the time it's just because we want to be together. No matter where or what," The look on his face tells me Kyle's gotten a little lost, but I think that's good. In times like these, it's important that he remembers just how important Jonas is. Kyle doesn't say anything more, and there's nothing I feel the need to add, so we just sit there, as the minutes pass, waiting for Jonas' return. And then suddenly we're not waiting anymore, because Jonas is standing in the doorway before us, and he looks remarkably close to smiling. "Jo?" Kyle asks hesitantly. "They said they were going to try!" "What?" Jonas takes a step into the room. "That's what they wanted to talk to me about – they weren't trying to convince me I was making a mistake – they were asking for time. To get used to it, to accept it. ACCEPT it, Kyle – they're going to try." He looks so happy. "Is that... I mean," Kyle is having more trouble getting on the happy train. "It's not perfect, but it's something. Kyle, it's more than they've ever done. And that means something. It means they're acknowledging that what I feel is real – don't you see? If it isn't real, why would they have to deal with it? Just trying is enough to let me know they're taking me – US – seriously." "That's great, Goldie," Kyle says, smiling finally, and walking over to put an arm around Jonas. "Do you know why they're taking me seriously?" he asks Kyle. "Um, 'cause you love me so damn much?" He smiles affectionately. "Well yeah, but they didn't really get that until I left with you. It took awhile for it to sink in, but they eventually realized if I was serious enough about you to leave home – something they probably thought I'd never do – then maybe I wasn't living in as much of a fantasy as they wanted to believe." Kyle shakes his head a little, the start of a rueful smile on his lips. "What?" Jonas wants to know, tugging on Kyle's hand. "Well, it's just – and not that this is what I'm saying you did exactly – running away isn't often seen as the mature adult thing to do. It just strikes me as a bit strange that it was the bailing that made them take you seriously." "Bailing?" "Poor choice of words and you know I don't see what you did like that, I'm just saying, from their point of view, you know?" He nods. "It could have made me seem even more childish and unbalanced." Jonas looks a little queasy at the thought. "Could have, but didn't." Kyle says reassuringly. "So let's hear it for running away?" Jonas's expression is still clouded. "Not running. Call it walking at a brisk pace." Jonas looks at Kyle lovingly. "Never would have had the courage to do it without you." Kyle waves him off. "Wasn't just me." "Damn right, where's my credit?" I demand irately. Jonas turns to me with a blinding smile. "Thanks, brother." I smile back. "Don't mention it." "Mention it to us," the twins come out of nowhere. Jonas spins around, startled, and then grins. "Love you, bros." They beam at him. "Cool," Dave says. "You better," Jon mock grumbles. Then there's some arm punching and general silliness. Nothing like brotherly love. Another week passes, for the most part, a lot less painfully than the last. And although, considering last week, it really wouldn't take much for that to be true, but I'll give you a run through, and then you can just like, take it for what it is. Things are still semi-rocky with Jonas and Kyle, but since the meeting with his parents and their grudging almost acceptance of their relationship, things have been getting better. And the twins have been seen like, in separate rooms from each other and they've even talked to those girls again, so that's progress. Kara's descent into teenage angst seems to be over for the time being, and the olds haven't been shooting any `you're making us prematurely grey' glares our way lately either. Everyone at school's still acting pretty damn stupid around Colin and me most of the time, but with all the different ways at my disposal of torturing him, and the distraction that brings, I'm handling it a lot better. I haven't really talked to Celery much, but we've been e-mailing and stuff, so it's not too bad. Anyway, the list could go on, but you get the general idea.