Date: Tue, 11 Nov 2003 20:49:10 -0600 From: Karla Schulz Subject: Carrots and Celery Part three chapter 10 A, the limbo chapter. I remember it well. --- Such a typical evening I feel dumb describing it to you all 'cause you've heard it all before. It's me and it's Colin, and we're sitting in his room, back to back, doing our weird leaning thing. The music: OK GO. We're listening to stuff we actually like for a change. Following the closing bars of You're So Damn Hot, Colin gets up off the bed, and stands about a foot away. He looks at me and asks, "Carrots, you're gay, right?" "That I am," and he knows this, so what's up with the question? "So, like, what do you think?" I raise an eyebrow. "Of what?" He looks down at himself and sort of waves a hand up and down his front. "Of me. Am I good looking?" I smile. "I guess." He immediately brings a fist to his chest, pretending to look crushed. "You 'guess'? That hurts." I laugh. "I'm sorry, Colin. Your body is a wonderland." He does the breathe out smile thing, and but then mushes his lips together. "But seriously? Give me your honest opinion." "Of how you look?" "Yeah." "Why?" "No reason," this is when it starts to be fun. "No reason eh?" He blushes. "Yeah that's right." "Colin," I coo, "Do you have a crush?" I creep closer, like I'm going to tickle him or something. "Get away from me, freak," he says, slightly panicky, backing away. "Oh, come on, Colly-poo, tell me who you like." He smacks my hand away, and glares. "Colly-poo? What the hell was that?" I laugh. "It's your new official nickname. Now tell me who you like." "I don't like anyone. In case you hadn't noticed, you're the only person in our school I can even stand." I tisk. "Now, I don't believe that's true. There are lots of people you'd probably dig if you gave them a chance." I pause before adding, "Or if they'd all stop being the idiots they are at the moment. But you're not going to distract me so stop trying. Tell me." "There's nothing to tell." I raise my hand again, silently threatening tickling. Poor guy. He never should have told me how much he hates that. "You're a horrible friend." I shrug. "Still gotta tell me." "You don't know her." "Oh no?" "She's not from our school." "Where's she from then?" "She's on my curling team." I try not to laugh. I can't explain it, but even though he explained it to me and everything, the idea of him curling still sends me into a giggle fest. I also find it very wrong. I mean, Colin? On a team? No matter how I protest, he really doesn't like people. They're just not his thing. And I can't imagine him like, voluntarily spending time with a whole GROUP of people, forced to interact with them, and like, work together. Share a common goal and be bonded, in that freaky way I've never understood sports players on the same team seem to be. "What's her name?" "Katie." "That's a hot and sexy name." He flicks me in the forehead. "This is why I didn't want to start this with you." I smile angelically. "I'm only going to get worse." He sighs. "I know." "But seriously, is she cool? Does she know you like her? Does she like you back?" "Yes, and then two I don't knows." "But you're hoping that if I think you're hot she probably will too." He rolls his eyes, but laughs a little. "Yeah, that's the dream." "Well, I do." "Really?" I nod. "Sure. You're a hot guy. I mean, I'm not attracted to you, but I can tell if you're hot or not. It's like Kyle. I think he's good looking, but he's my brother. So, it's not the same way I'd look at Celery and go 'damn he's hot'. But I can recognize hotness in you and others who are. Know what I mean?" "Vaguely." "'Cause I'm just saying, yeah you're really nice looking, yeah I think lots of other people would agree with me, but no, I don't want to jump your bones." He lets out a huge mock sigh of relief and I'm forced to kick him. "I'm glad we had this chat," Colin says once he's finished pinching me in retaliation. "Me too," I agree, rubbing my recently pinched arm. "Anyway, if you get a girlfriend, and then start parading her around school every once and awhile, maybe people will snap out of this idiocy about us macking and we can start having normally screwed up lives again." "First of all, I doubt either of our lives is ever going to be normal – screwed up normal or otherwise. Secondly, I'm not sure me having a girlfriend would really solve the problem. Assuming I'm right and they're all really just jealous we're friends, I don't see how it would help matters. We're still going to hang out." I fake a sniff. "Unless you totally ditch me once you have a hot girlfriend." He rolls his eyes at my pathetic display. "You're sad, sad, excuse for a man, Carrots." I grin. "Says you." He raises his eyebrows. "You know someone who disagrees?" I nod, waggling my own eyebrows at him. He gets the grossed out face. "You're talking about exactly what I hope you're not – aren't you?" I nod vigorously. "Sure am." He throws in a shudder. "Ug." "Get with times, man. It's hip to be gay." "Gay I've got no problem with and you know it. Just not exactly dying to hear the details of anyone's sex life – especially not yours." "Who said I was going to give you details?" I scoff, pretending to be shocked and offended. "Veiled comments are just as unwelcome," he assures me. I grin evilly. "You realize you really shouldn't have told me that, right?" He groans a little, a result of my expression and tone. "Getting that message now, yeah." "Buck up. It'll be great fun." "For you maybe." "Who else matters?" --- Friday night now, and Colin's actually got a date thing with this girl of his. I mean, all joking aside, I was pretty damn impressed when he told me. I imagine walking up to someone and asking them out on a date's got to be a pretty unnerving bit of business. Glad I never had to do that myself. Not that telling Celery I was in love with him was exactly easy... okay, it was the damn hardest thing I ever did. But that wasn't the point. It's all your fault. Getting me off track with your... well, doing nothing as my brain wanders off of its own free will. Humph. Anyway Colin. Colin on a date. Right now actually. As in, at this very moment, somewhere out there, Colin is on a date. With a girl. And they're like, doing date stuff. Don't really have much idea what that would be, but I'm hoping it's fun. Colin could use little more fun in his life. I mean, I'm a one man party – there's no doubt about that – but still, I'd like to see him branching out a little. Getting with the social interaction a little more. Broadening his relational horizons as it were. Sorry. Kind of bored over here. Not much to do. Thus the wacky rambling. Not that I'm apologizing for rambling. Rambling in my opinion is very good. But I like to make at least SOME degree of sense. It can be a really low degree, but I like some level to be there. And don't look at me and say that's a fine theory – too bad I didn't put it into action about 200 pages ago. I've had just about enough of your lip, you know that? If you don't watch yourself, I might stop talking to you altogether. It's not an empty threat! Okay so maybe it is. What do you want from me? Make a little sense once in awhile? Sorry. Ain't gonna happen. So anyway, I'm about to get ready for bed. Homework's done, I've had a good ramble, and it's getting kind of late. My walking out of the bathroom is perfectly timed to Colin coming through my window. "Hey man." Startled, but also not, by his sudden appearance. He wordlessly throws himself onto my bed. "How'd the date go?" He glares at me. "You have no idea how lucky you are to be gay." I laugh, but then try to look sympathetic. "That bad, huh?" "High school girls are a plague to humanity." "That's harsh." He sighs. "I'm never leaving you again." I smile, taking seat beside him. "I'm touched." "I'm serious. I'm done with girls." I raise my eyebrows, and he grins sheepishly. "At least until University." "Sounds like a solid plan." "But, man, was it painful. She would like, NOT stop talking. Except, the talking? Not the cool kind of talking she's always done around me before. Nothing funny, or interesting. And then there was the giggling, and all the going to the bathroom. I mean, I don't know what the hell happened. She was normal until I asked her out." He sighs. "Sorry it sucked, man," I say with total sincerity. Not that I'm exactly surprised. Mostly it goes back to my previous statements about him not liking most people. I mean, when your motto is `some people just don't matter', what do you really expect? "Yeah, well, I didn't even tell you the worst part." In a sick sort of way, I think he's starting to kind of enjoy this now. Misery can be really fun when you're whining about it to others. "Enlighten me." He grins. "Okay, so the movie itself – total crap. But then, AFTER the movie, when we went to HMV so she could buy the soundtrack," he rolls his eyes in disgust, "I saw the Avril CD. And for a brief moment, I guess I thought I was with you, or like, someone who I could stand, 'cause I acted really excited, and did the `oh my god it's Avril' thing. Which you would have understood, am I right?" I nod. "And laughed along with you. Following that, tossage from the store," Colin's face says, `vindication is mine'. "But Katie? She gets all excited with me, but like, SERIOUS excited. She was all `wow, you like Avril too?' and I'm like, `no. GOD no. I think she's a loser. I just happen to really enjoy making fun of her.' And then she got really pissed off and wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the night. Luckily, all that was left to do was take her home. And she only lived like, 5 minutes away, thank-god." "That's rough, man." He sighs. "Tell me about it. Worst night of my life." I pat his leg. "Cheer up, little trooper." It's a quote from the hilarious movie `Better Off Dead'. He smiles at me. "Is your way of telling me I should consider killing myself?" I roll my eyes, silencing the chuckle. "No. It's my way of trying to cheer you up." "Well thanks for trying. But it's late and I should probably just go." He's sitting up. "Call me tomorrow?" He nods. "Totally. Rock on, rock on." "Peace out Avril," the standard non-standard handshake and he's out the balcony door. On Saturday morning I call Colin to see how he is. He pretends to cry into the phone, demands I come over and more importantly bring lots of ice cream, and wonders aloud why women are so cruel. I'm unsympathetic, then I laugh, and finally I tell him I don't know. Then I get dressed and go over to his house. "Did you bring ice cream?" He meets me at the door with this welcoming salutation. "No." "Then you can't come in." He shuts the door in my face, and I hear footsteps walking away. I let myself in and when I catch up to him, I kick him in the shins (a quality move I learned from my big bro). "What d'ya you want to do today?" I ask once I feel I've punished him enough with my silent treatment. "Watch Oz." Did I forget to mention Colin's rather disturbing obsession with the show Oz? "I don't know how you watch that creepy show." I say with a shudder. At this point, the shudder is just for effect, but the first time he told me, I shuddered for real. "It's like the best show ever! I don't know how you can watch most of the crap on network TV that you do." This is an old argument, but I think we both sort of enjoy it, so we keep having it. "But it's so violent and everyone's evil! Plus, you better not be dissing Buffy." "Not only am I dissing Buffy, I don't know how you can DARE criticize a show you've never even seen. I bet you anything if you saw it you'd love it." That's new. Usually he just calls me a tasteless loser and that's it. "You're going to make me watch it now?" He raises his eyebrows. "Didn't I sit through the entire third season of Buffy with you when you had bronchitis?" Did I forget to mention THAT too? Man. I'm really slipping. "I was ill," I protest nobly. "So! I'm in deep angsty emotion pain." I sigh. "Okay, okay. We'll watch Oz. But only two episodes." "Four." "Let's save time and just compromise on three like you know we will." He grins. "Deal." So we watch three episodes. And by that point, I'm so hooked we watch two more. What can I say? I totally rescind my earlier comments. It's an awesome show. Everyone IS totally creepy and evil, and it's certainly graphic and violent and disturbing, but it's also one of the best shows I've ever seen. And I tell Colin this, and he laughs in my face while doing a frightening victory dance, and then I go home.