Date: Thu, 15 May 2003 20:41:46 -0500 From: Karla Schulz Subject: Carrots and Celery Part Two Chapter nine A week has passed now. I'm doing okay. Like, I am getting better, progress is getting made, but this is honestly the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I mean, YOU try reconditioning yourself to be independent of the one person whom you've built the last 11 years of your life around. Even though the sane part of me (yeah, that would be the really small part) remembers the pact, and knows I' m doing this for Celery - WITH Celery - the rest of me has a guilt fit about it at least daily. It's like, every time I achieve some new level of `happy on my own' independence, I go into this state of panic, afraid we're losing our connection. How do you train yourself to act in a way you're terrified might damage the thing you hold most dear? Well, I'll tell you, it's ridiculously hard. But you talk to people, you make the effort, and a lot of the time, you don't succeed. But you keep trying. And every once in awhile, something funny happens, and you laugh. Or maybe you' re just able to get through a day without crying, or wanting to. Someone smiles at you, and before you have the time to analyse the situation, you smile back. I remember the first time I laughed after Celery went back to Calgary. It'd only been a couple days. Me, Kyle, and Jonas were all sitting around, still sort of in the dazed getting over in phase, when Kyle made some joke, comment thingy. I don't even remember what it was, but it was hilarious. And as I was sitting there, sort of slowly, it occurred to me. That was funny, I should laugh. The laugh wasn' t forced either, just delayed. As I was laughing Kyle and Jonas looked at me like they were going to cry. That, or like, pummel me. But you know, definitely one of the two. I owe those guys so much. But when you get right down to it, Celery's still the one who ended up saving me. Not just him coming at Thanksgiving - though that was a huge part of it - what he's doing now. He actually made a friend! Sort of, anyway. Not another jock or skater like him, this totally shy kid who I think is his neighbour. Really smart, but not many friends. A couple years younger. Skipped a few grades. There's actually discernible levels of excitement in Celery's voice when he talks about the kid. His name's Saul. I'm not jealous about it - I'm happy. That's my saving grace. What wards off the other insanity. Every hint that Celery's doing better lifts my spirits past the heavens. I don't resent it, and that's what keeps the knowledge that he doesn't resent happiness on my part more real in my heart. On the phone, we have happy stuff to talk about that isn't just past memories. We only cry about half the time, and once or twice we've been crying from joy, or just from laughing too hard. Most of the other times it's just this involuntary thing that happens just from hearing the other's voice. But it's gotten to be so that they're almost good tears, even if they are sad ones. So phone calls help too. I don't think we're growing apart, but we're definitely changing. We're not working from the exact same set of experiences anymore. But we share everything with each other, and I think all this new, separate experiences stuff may even be sort of good for us. I know that I'll never grow out of Celery. I know that in a million years, no matter how `independent' I get, I'll always need him to be in my life. Maybe it won't be to BE my life, but that's okay. I hear that might even be like the way to go. There have been little glimmers of a greater good. Some kind of a higher purpose or design. It still hurts - don't think it doesn't - but the thing that's starting to be driven home is that it just may be worth it. I don't need Celery because I can't physically survive without him - I need him because I WANT him. I'm becoming aware that I can have a happy life without him continuously at my side. I'm capable of it. Being with him isn't this thing I like can't do without, it's my CHOICE. All knowing this has made me do is love him more. --- A major problem (silly person, did you think we were done with the problems? Did you forget who you were dealing with?) with opening myself back up to feeling everything again is that a lot of the time, it DOES hurt way more now. I AM mostly okay, I haven't been lying, but at the weirdest times my mind strays to what's really going on in my world and it hurts so much my throat tightens up so that I can barely breathe and all the time no matter what I'm doing, even if I'm laughing and basically having a good time, there' s this empty, aching pain in my stomach. It's like the song, `The world has turned and left me here' by Weezer. Yes, this time, I' m going to give you some lyrics. Just the main important ones. If you want to know how I feel in song form, here you go: the world has turned, and left me here, just where I was before you appeared, and in your place, and empty space has filled the void behind my face. I highly recommend you actually listen to the song though. Not just 'cause it's a wicked song, but because you get the sadness way better if you actually hear it. But despite all that, things really ARE getting better. I know I' ve been saying that like a lot, but I sort of have to keep repeating it - especially to myself - just so I'll remember that it's true. If you're looking for some kind of a time frame on all this betterness and gradual good cheer, it's been about two and a half weeks since Celery half. Which would make it almost the end of October for all you people out there who don't know when Canadian Thanksgiving is and just assumed we have it at the same time as the Americans do. Well, we don't. It's on October the 13th here. There. You've learned something new, doesn't that make you feel so much better about yourself? --- I get home late - like 12:30 late - following the order a pizza after wrapping next week's issue of the school paper hootenanny. I'm not editor like I was supposed to be, but lately, I've been helping out again. Doing research, writing the occasional article, keeping a low profile. I assume everyone's asleep, so I creep up the stairs as quietly as possible. As I'm tiptoeing past the main upstairs bathroom, I hear the distinct sound of someone retching. I knock gently on the door. There are a few moans, and more gross sounds of throwing up I won't describe to you. I test the knob. Not locked. Should I go in? I open the door a crack, and peek inside. It's Jonas. What the fuck? "Jonas?" I hiss in a whisper, stepping inside. He looks up at me miserably. He looks like shit. Face sort of yellow, eyes hurt and wet. Crying too, in addition to throwing up. Let me be perfectly clear - WHAT THE FUCK? "Hey, Carrots," he says feebly. I get down on my knees beside him. He closes the toilet lid, and flushes, saving us both from the stench. "What's going on?" I figure "what the fuck" isn't what he needs to hear right now. He shakes his head. "Oh man. You don't even want to know. I'm like not even sure." His eyes are glassy, and it occurs to me that he's probably drunk. Or was, recently. I don't really know how it all works. I never drink. I think it's totally idiotic and disgusting, but now isn't the time for such a rant. Probably drunk, but I'm not exactly dreaming of getting a whiff of his breath, so no help there. "Are you okay? Like, are you sick or what?" He closes his eyes. "Sick and or what, I think." He opens his eyes again, and looks at me sort of pathetically. "I hate to ask, but can I like sleep in your room tonight?" Okay, now I'm really starting to get confused. He always sleeps on Kyle's couch. Always. It's like tradition. Set in stone tradition. But, if that's what he wants. "Yeah, sure." All the stuff Celery used to use before he moved into my bed with me is still in my closet, so he should be pretty comfortable. I help him up after rising myself and walk slowly behind Jonas all the way to my room. I don't turn on the light. The shade's not drawn, and the light from the moon and the street lamps are enough for us to get around. I get out the extra bedding and start rolling it out for him. "We'll talk in the morning, yeah?" He gives me a look of infinite relief and gratitude. "Yeah. Sure, thanks so much, dude." "Hey man, it's what friends are for and all that stuff. Not like I was going to leave you out in the cold or anything." I know that's not really what he meant, but hey. It's no big thing for me to take the pressure off him. Why further complicate what was obviously a night from hell. He probably wouldn't make any sense right now anyway. It's a better idea to wait for all concerned. Though, I can't deny that I'm dying from curiosity. In the morning when I revert back into consciousness, Jonas is already up, sitting tensely on the floor, hugging his knees. Talk time. "Hey Jonas, doing okay this morning?" He scratches his ear nervously. Fails miserably at trying to smile. I get out of bed and sit down on the mat with him. "So, talk to me." He sighs. "It's all fucked up." "What?" He looks away. "Jonas, man, I can't believe I even have to say this - you can talk to me. It doesn't matter what it's about. I love you." He smiles. so weakly. "You've never told me that before," I shrug. "I'll have to work on that," He turns a bit, but he's still mostly looking at me. "Last night, since you were going to be gone, me and Kyle decided to do something together," not like that hasn't happened a million times before, "He heard about this party and we decided to go. From the start, everything was just weird. I think maybe, it's been weird for awhile now, I just wasn't ready to notice," and I was too wrapped up in myself. Some brother slash friend I am. "Anyway, this was like impossible not to notice. Kyle was acting so strange. Like, wired. He just couldn't wait to get to the party. He may have mentioned something about really hot girls, but I can't remember. At the doors, he told me to have a good time and then he like totally ditched me. I was so pissed off, but I guess, really, I was just hurt. I didn't even really want to go to a party, I just wanted to hang out with Kyle. He's my best friend, you know?" "Of course." "But he was gone, and I didn't know anybody. I don't even know why, but I let some girl who thought I was like adorable or whatever give me drinks. I guess I got pretty blitzed. By the time I found Kyle a few hours later so was he. I don't know what got in to me - being drunk I guess - but I started to really tear into him for ditching me. He started to cry! Fucking CRY, man. I didn't know what the hell was going on - with him, with me. I was feeling all this weird stuff, and then, like, being drunk. I asked him to stop crying. But he wouldn't. So I went over to him and like put my hands on his face to try to calm him down. And then I don't know what happened. It' s a bit like hazy," He looks at me, the freaked out deer in the headlights look. "I just want you to know this isn't like some gigantic joke, okay? Like, don't get pissed or laugh at me." "Laugh at you?" " 'Cause this is serious. And I'm pretty sure it really happened." "What?" I'm trying to sound gentle, but who knows if I succeeded. "I think we made out a little," big and paralysing blood rush to the head. Hearing that is the kind of thing that short circuits brain function. I take a hard look into his eyes. He's not wearing any of his various array of coloured contacts. I didn't notice that before. Really, he has nice eyes. They're somewhere between green and brown, but they have a really nice soft look. The fear's sort of killing it right now, but I think his eyes could be beautiful. I don't think I could talk yet, so I figure a hug would work. When my arms go around him, Jonas starts to cry. "I was afraid you were going to be mad," he cries into my shoulder. I actually have to laugh at that. "Like, for what, exactly? Who's the biggest fag here anyway?" He stops shuddering and removes his face from my chest. He rubs his eyes a little and tries to put back his hair. That really never does work. "Yeah but like, thanks for not, I don't know." Oh, I get it. "Blaming it on you and rushing off to go see if Kyle's okay," Jonas sort of smiles ironically. "Well, yeah. Like, blood and everything." "Hey man! You're my brother from another mother! I love you just as must as I love Kyle. And anyway, I'm thinking this had to be a team effort thing. It takes two to tango or whatever. But, what happened after that? How'd you get back?" He shakes his head. "I'm not sure. I don't think we drove," he closes his eyes like he's trying to remember. I wait. "I think... I think we got a ride with someone. Yeah! It was that girl who gave me all those drinks. I gave her money for a cab back, and she drove us in the Le Baron. I think so anyway. I think she wanted me to go home with her, but I must have told her I needed to get Kyle home. He was even farther gone than me. He talked all this slurred drunken nonsense the whole way back here. I had to help him up the stairs, and search his pockets for his house key. I'm surprised I even thought of that, the way I was, we probably could have easily ended up sleeping on the porch. We got inside and then..." more eyes closed pausing. "I guess we must have went to his place. I put him in his bed I think, and crashed on the couch myself. Maybe I fell asleep, maybe not. The next thing I remember was you finding me in the bathroom. When was that?" "About quarter to one, something like that." He nods. "We got to the party around nine, so, that must be about right." I'm back to having no idea what to say, and now that he's done telling me, I think Jonas is in the same boat. "Do you think he's awake yet?" Jonas asks eventually, looking at me fearfully again. "I don't know." I shake my head. "You guys are going to have to talk though, at some point, either way. I mean, this is, well, it' s something you're going to have to talk about." "I don't think, like, he's not..." "Neither are you, I thought." He shrugs. "I've always said I was open to the idea." He closes his eyes for a really long time, and then without opening them continues in a muted voice, "And even though I never really admitted it to myself," swallow, "when it comes to Kyle," sigh, "I've always been really open to it." I know that shouldn't surprise me as much as it does, there were signs, lots of them, from both of them, but I just always made myself take it as the joke they were fooling themselves with. Plus, the self-absorbed prick I've been the past few months certainly did his part. "So, I mean, what are you, like, how do you feel about him?" I'm real eloquent when I want to be, eh? He meets me with naked eyes. He stares for a long time, and then lets out a ragged laugh. "Oh fuck." "What?" "I think I might be in love with him." "Thank-god!" --- Edited by Ed