Date: Mon, 12 May 2003 20:45:28 -0500
From: Karla Schulz <lanky_lanka@lycos.com>
Subject: Carrots and Celery Part Two Chapter Eight

You're all going to love me again after you read this chapter.  Really.  I
promise.

---

I've never really been a huge fan of Thanksgiving (to me it's always
seemed like such an insincere, American holiday, plus, you know,
all the slaughter) but this year my enthusiasm has reached a new
low. I was looking forward to sleeping the whole time, but what
with my mom banging on my door and it being 6 in the fucking morning,
I'd say that so far that plan isn't really working out. I've always
known she's insane, but this is getting out of hand. It's 6am! On
a Saturday. Oh no, here it comes, the very worst part about being
woken up by my mother.

"Come on, Carrots, RISE AND SHINE!"

I hate it when the person who's waking me up tells me to rise and
shine. I mean, I'll rise, maybe - if they're lucky, but shining
is just not in the cards. Under no circumstances have I ever shined.
Okay, well maybe a few times when Celery was in bed with me, but
those times, there was shining, but usually not a whole lot of the
conventional type of rising.

More banging. "Up! It's a new day! Time to rediscover what the world
looks like before noon on a Saturday." She'll just keep banging
and talking until I eventually get up, and she knows I know it.

Grumbling, cursing, and plotting various forms of outlandish revenge,
I sit up. After a few more minutes of banging, I stand up. 15 minutes
from the first bang, I've opened my door. Mom's standing in the
hall, not looking irritated like I sort of expected, but grinning.
Can you believe it? She's grinning at my pain. Wait a minute, that'
s not it. She's turning her head towards the stairs.

I look.

I see.

I collapse.

Considering the fact that it's where I find myself right now, I'
m assuming I fell to the floor. I actually fainted, totally. I've
never fainted in my entire life. I was beginning to suspect that
it never actually happened in real life, just like in movies. I
was all ready to blow open the whole thing and reveal the truth
about fainting, and then I up and do it. My eyes are starting open,
and I guess they're going as fast as they can, but I really wish
they'd hurry up, 'cause if I saw what I think I saw, I want to see
it again as soon as possible. Finally, after taking their sweet
time, my eyes are fully open, and that was no trick of light. Before
me in all his glory, is my Celery. The excitement in him I glimpsed
for half a second on the stairs has been replaced with concern as
he brushes his fingers against my cheek and peers down at me, repeating
my name with soft urgency. But that doesn't matter. He's here. Real
and here and touching me. I force my pathetic body into action,
flinging my arms around him, and Celery joins me, until we've locked
each other in a death grip. Everything goes away. All the sadness,
all the empty moments, each second of missing him, it all evaporates
from my brain as we hold each other. At this very moment, I don'
t care about anything except that he's here.

Just when I'm thinking, I could fall asleep right here, Celery moves.
Only a little, but his grip goes from crushing to firm and he shifts
himself enough for our eyes to meet. His eyes are such a clear,
sparkling blue, you'd almost think they couldn't be real.

"How?" I croak. He smiles, still all radiant and glowy.

"They're on this retreat thing for the rich and affected, and the
steps are staying with some of their monster friends. I was just
going to stay home, but your parents called and somehow convinced
Them to let me come. I'm sure the fact that it isn't costing Them
anything had something to do with it. Anyway, as long as no one
finds out what sort of a friend you are, They still get loving parents
points." I'm still sort of in can't-speak mode, too overwhelmed
by his presence and everything that it's stirring up inside me to
put together a sentence.

Getting out, "All weekend?" Is no small feat. He grins.

"I leave Monday evening. Three days, baby."

Whatever the thing inside me is that needed to click does, and I
start kissing him like a madman. There's an equal force of longing
and need coming from his end. No way are we getting to the bed.
I just hope my mom shut the door.

Eventually, and somewhat mysteriously, at some point, we must have
helped each other into my bed. I know this, because I recently woke
up, and found myself lying in bed with Celery. I suspect he may
have carried me. Looking at the clock, we must have been dozing
for a few hours already by now. I'm awake (as you may have noticed),
but Cel's still doing shut-eye thing. I'm not counting time sleeping
as waste really, if you're thinking I might be. For one, those few
hours were the best sleep I've had since he left and for another
thing, nothing compares to waking up beside Celery in the book of
me. Plus, now I get to watch him sleeping, which doesn't rank too
poorly on the great scale either. It's so wonderfully NORMAL. So
much like this could be any Saturday morning - er, afternoon. I
settle down again, draping my arm across his waist, loving feeling
the movement caused by his in- and exhales.

I emerge from my second doze session when Celery kisses me.

"Hey."

"Hi."

"What time is it?" I look.

" 'Bout 2." His eyes widen.

"Wow." He stretches, smiling shyly.

"Me too."

"Did you dream?"

"Why dream when you've got the real thing?" We kiss.

"I missed you, this, everything. God, I missed you." He practically
moans. I hug him.

"Miss me later," I say, touching his face. "Enjoy me now."

We finally haul ourselves out of bed and my room to shower around
4. Kyle's sitting in the kitchen, eating an orange, grinning when
we arrive. I'm not especially surprised, but I am especially pleased,
to see Jonas is with him. Tears well up in the eyes of all concerned.

"By gar," Jonas says, getting up and giving Celery a most hearty hug.

"It's been awhile," Kyle says, finishing up Jonas's thought and mimicking
his gesture.

Even through my depressed haze, I've been able to see those two
continuing to bond. I don't think Kyle's ever had a closer friend,
and though I can't be as sure, I think the same thing goes for Jonas.
They're pretty much exactly like Celery and me, minus a few years
and the gay love. At least, I'm pretty sure it's minus the gay love.
Then again, you never know. Kidding! Kyle, I'm kidding. Really.

"I'd say how've you been, but that would be a stupid question. How
'bout, how are you now?" Celery grins wide and long.

"How do you think I am?" he says, hugging my waist. I kiss him.

"What do you think, Ky?" Jonas asks, thumb and finger on his chin,
all quizzical. Kyle bites down on his lip, concentration etched on his face.

"Let's give them this one." Jonas nods.

Whether it's because they're all mind readers, really smart, or
I'm just really predictable, that's pretty much it for the different.
We all talk around the table for a little while, about fascinating
old nothing in particular, and then walk to Video Update to pick up some
flicks.

"You're cool with this, right?" Celery mutter-asks while we're browsing
through the comedy section. Jonas and Kyle have the horror covered.
Every once in awhile, there's nothing better than a cheesy 1950's horror
classic.

"Cool with what?" I ask, puzzled. He shrugs.

"The double-date-ness."

"Okay, laugh, weird smile, and then yeah." He smiles.

"Good."

"Why?"

"Just checking."

"Just checking why?"

"Um."

"Aren't you?"

"No, I am. I just thought maybe you'd...." He drifts off, leaving
me to fill in the blanks. It's not too hard.

"I CAN share," I wrinkle my brow and do the weird one-sided smile
one eye closed move."Sometimes. For awhile."

"Good on all that. Especially the `for awhile' thing. 'Cause that's all I
can do."

"Would you like me to share with you what's weird?"

"Not like, LOVE."

"I miss them. Not, like, in the same way you must, but in the way
that I do which is missing the them that they are when we're all
together. I missed us as in you and me us, but I also missed us
as in the you, me, Jonas and Kyle us. We were just starting to be
a good us when you had to move," I'm so far gone on my ramble I
don't even flinch when I mention the dreaded Move word.

"Me too. The me way and the you way." We smile at each other, small
happy little smiles of mutual understanding and... I think camaraderie
is the word I'm looking for here. Overjoyed just be have our same
wavelengthness back in the physical.

We keep browsing and I say, "Oo!" excitedly after a few minutes.

"What?" I hold out the movie for his survey-ige.

"Office Space?" Question and statement rolled up in a piping hot Tortilla.

"Damn, it feels good to be a gangster? Definitely."

"Okay, with this one, I think we have enough, should we go find
them?" Plus Office Space, we've picked up Rushmore and The Royal
Tenninboms. They're all hilarious, very multiple viewing worthy
movies. I'd suggest you rent them, but when have you ever listened to me
about stuff like that?

"Yep. Let's plough."

We find Kyle and Jonas in, ug, the New Releases section, pretending
(one can only HOPE) to gush to each other about Crossroads. You
know, it's that Brittany Spears movie nobody went to? I mean, hopefully
not anyway. I haven't seen it, and I never will, but I'm absolutely
positive it's one of the worst movies in the history of the world.
Back in the day (painful wincing) me and Cel were going to have
Mock Fest 2002 and rent Crossroads, A walk to Remember, and possibly
something of the On the Line, Glitter, nature, but we never got
around to it. I think the dream may be dead now, but who knows.
In a few months time, I might just get a jones for some really mock-able
movie action. In a few months time when Celery is back with me permanently.
I have to remind myself almost constantly that such a time is actually
coming, or I really would cease to exist. What you've seen is nothing
compared to as far-gone as it's possible for me to get.

"Can I assume this means you guys didn't find anything good?" I ask
dryly. They grin.

"Totally struck out," Kyle affirms.

"How'd you guys make out?" Jonas asks. I show them.

"All good jams. Time to rock?"

"I'm paying."

"No you're not, Kyle."

"Why not?"

"Okay, fine." I say, grinning. When he asked, he really puffed himself
up, trying to look all tough and threatening. I've never been less
scared, but if it matters that much to him, hey, what's it to me?

So Kyle pays and we start walking home.

"How's this going to work? Straight through? Breaks of the food
variety, are we stopping for Dark Corner, on goes the list," his name is
Jonas.

"Uh, doesn't matter." Not to me anyway, mostly, I plan to turn the
movies on and then stare at Celery's lovely face the whole time.

"Let's just go with whatever flow flows," Celery suggests.

"Everyone down with that plan?" No one objects.

That night after the movie marathon, I'm soaking up the joy of having
Celery half asleep beside me, thinking about a whole night with him, when
he asks,

"Care, did you know Kyle wrote me awhile ago?"

"Uh, no. That was nice of him though, I guess."

"It wasn't exactly a social thing. I mean, we e-mail a lot. This
wasn't that kind of thing. He's worried about you." That in itself
comes as no surprise but I didn't think he'd actually go running to Celery
about it.

"Is he?"

"Yes. So's Jonas, and your parents, and everyone. They say you never
laugh anymore - that you barely even talk. Kyle said you just sleep
all the time, he said you're shutting out all the people who care
about you." I don't say anything, instead I glare at my hands. "Is
it true?" I can't stand lying to him, not matter what it's about. I'm not
even sure I can.

"Yes." He sighs. I'm still not looking up.

"Why?" It's timid, concerned.

"Why do you think?" I snap sarcastically, jerking to pierce him
with angry eyes. I didn't want to talk about stuff like this. I
just wanted us to have a fun, regular weekend. Pretend for a few
days like life was back to normal and he isn't just going to leave again
soon. You know, denial.

"Baby," he says sorrowfully, reaching out, massaging my shoulder.
"It's no good, letting yourself get like that. If you shut yourself
down for too long you'll forget how to feel - no matter what the
situation. You can't let that happen to yourself."

"I'm feeling plenty right now," I say heatedly.

"So you're angry. How is that any different from every other day?"
 It's dangerous, trying to have an argument with someone who knows
you this well. Someone who knows every button to push.

"It's just easier," I say feebly.

"Easier doesn't necessarily mean better."

"I'm supposed to believe you've been having a regular joy fest in Calgary?"

"Of course I haven't. I'm not saying I don't find this every bit
as hard as you. God, Carrots, how do you think I feel? I have no
one there. NO ONE. Nobody to talk to, to hang out with. I'm all
alone. You've got Mom and Dad, Kyle, Jonas, the twins, Kara, EVERYBODY
and they're all trying to help you get through this but you won'
t let them. You can't keep taking them for granted." I can't believe
how right he is, now much of an ungrateful bastard I am. I mean,
I sort of knew, but who wants that thrown in their face?

"I--"

"I can't be here, Carrots, there's no way around that, but that
doesn't mean you can't either. Don't you see? You have to be here
for both of us! When something funny happens you have to laugh for
you and me. When there's an opportunity to make fun of Kyle - do
it in a way you know would make me proud. If there's a perfect spot
to toss in a PB quote, do it the way you know I would. If you can'
t be here for you then be here for me." Looking at him, his eyes
blazing, one hand in the air. We stare at each other for awhile,
some mental battle being fought with our eyes, and then he just
deflates. "At least one of us should be happy."

"Don't you try that selfless shit on me, Celery - not after what
you just said. If you meant it then it can't be only for me. Short
of being with you, the only way I can possibly be happy is knowing
you are. You were right about what you said. I can't keep myself
shut off like I've been, but that goes for both of us. Maybe for
you it's been what? Sadness?" He nods grudgingly. "You know me?
Well I know you. I know how you get when something bad happens or
you're sad. You refuse to think about yourself, you blind yourself
to what you're feeling and hone in on me. I love you for it, but
it can't work here. It hurts you, which hurts me. We both need to
make some changes if we're going to get out of this as ourselves.
What you said made me realize I've gotta start responding when people
reach out - and maybe even do a little reaching of my own, but it
CAN'T just be me. You have to try too." When I get mad, or frustrated,
I tend to cry. Angry is usually when I cry the most, it's like that
with Celery too sometimes. Right now, we're both experiencing some cheek
showers.

"Who, huh? Who am I supposed to reach out to?"

"I don't know! Me, Kyle, Jonas, all the same people I am. There
have to be a FEW decent people in Calgary. You don't have to bare
your soul to them, but you could make some friends. People like
you Cel, if you'd only stop to notice. I'm not a fluke. You have
so much to offer and you're like the only one who doesn't see it."

This is, I'm positive, our very first fight ever. If you can call
it that. Two miserable people trying to help each other, love each
other and knock some sense into each other's thick skulls all at the same
time.

Our eyes meet up again, red and bloodshot, sore from crying.

"It's time I got back," he begins quietly.

"And I don't even know how I got off the track," I continue. Lyrics
from Good Life by Weezer. Kick ass song.

We'll be okay. Somehow, I know it. We still have lots more to talk
about, but we'll be okay. I know we will.

We lie further into each other, nothing more on our minds than needing
to hold each other. Feel each other breathe and sleep as one.

When I wake up the next morning and Celery's there, lying beside
me, I don't understand why nobody's setting off any fireworks, taking
pictures or constructing a commemorative plaque to honour this moment.

"I love you," Celery says, smiling.

"I love you." I can't think of anything that would serve as a better
commemoration than those three words.

The Sunday family fun takes my private Celery away from me, but
I get my family Celery in exchange. Even more than a normal Sunday
due to the Thanksgiving-ness, but that's okay. I know I'm pretty
great, but Celery has needs I can't meet. You know, stuff like mother
type love and brotherhood. With the whole family directing it at
him, Celery's practically drowning in love, and I'm bursting just
watching him. It's so cute watching the twins and Kara clamouring
for his attention and how overwhelmed he gets by it. Then there'
s Mom who's so high into nurture overdrive it's not even funny,
except that is really, really is, and Dad who can't seem to stop
giving Celery one armed hugs saying `it's great to have you here,
son'. Let's not even taking to the endless pictures. The only real
downside to the day is that there's just WAY too much food floating
around (like how many pieces of pumpkin pie can a person safely eat?!).

In the early evening once we've recovered from the food and frivolity,
we sneak up to my room and I enjoy a little private Celery action.
Not THAT - just kissing. With lots of tongue, and okay, a little
groping. Just a little though! Really. We're very well behaved.
Mostly. Once we've, well taken the edge off I guess, Celery asks,

"So what's next on our schedule of fun crammage?"

I smile and he smiles back questioningly. "That's your I-have-a-plan
smile," he accuses. I keep smiling and turn to walk over to my closet.
I open the door and he teases, "Decided to go back in the closet,
have you? I'm not sure I'm really on board with this plan."

I look over my shoulder and smirk. I bend down and grab the key
item required for what's next in the fun crammage, and then turn
back around, grinning like my mom did when she woke me the day before.
Celery grabs his head with his hands and drops to his knees.

"My board!" he practically screams, eyes like blue flames, staring
at it, me. "You are my GOD, Carrots," he says starting to knee over
to me. "I love you. You have no idea how fully I mean that." I lower
his beloved skateboard into Celery's outstretched hands. I smile
as he runs his fingers along his GIRL grip take, then as he flips
it over, admiring the smeared and cut up Toy Machine graphic. He lovingly
spins his PIG wheels.

"I'm getting jealous over here," I joke. He tears his eyes from his deck.

"Say the word and I'll never skate again. If it was for you I swear
I wouldn't even miss it." I shake my head.

"Don't be ridiculous. Skating is a part of you. Just like I am,
but a smaller part. One hopes." He's gone back to gazing at his board.

"I missed you," he tells it, and kisses the nose.

"Pathetic," I laugh. Celery jumps up, holding his board by the trucks.

"Can we go right now?" he asks eagerly.

"WE?" He glares.

"OF COURSE `we'!  I'm not going without you! You think I'm letting
you leave my sight for a SECOND until I have to fly back?" I grin.

"Not really."

"So, let's go."

"It's just, you've been apart for a very long time, don't you want some
time alone?"

He's realized, finally, that I'm goofing around, and gives me a smack on
the shoulder.

"Funny guy. Don't make me beg."

"I think I might enjoy it if you did." He rolls his eyes, but looks at me
imploringly anyway.

"PLEASE, can we go skating now, PLEASE?" I nod.

"Until our legs turn to rubber, and even after that." He grins.

His `I'm going to cause some destruction' grin is a very unique
one and only really come up when he's about to skate. I can tell
right now that I'm going to have my work cut out for me just preventing
him from killing himself trying stuff.

"Can I ask that you go easy, at least at first, you might be rusty."
 He looks down at me, very `oh please'.

"Fine, don't listen to me. Break your leg after two tricks. Whatever,"
 he loses the bravado and most of the smirk.

"I'm not going to break my leg. If anything, this will be this deck's
last day, but I plan to live to skate another day. Alright? I could
say I'll try to take it slow, but we both know the second my wheels
hit the pavement and my feet hit my board..."

"You lose all control over your actions. I know. Lie to me, say
you'll take it easy." He smiles.

"I'll take it easy."

"Thank-you."

Watching the change that comes over Celery when he starts to skate
is a beautiful thing. He gets this totally peaceful look on his
face, but at the same time you can tell he's totally focused and
concentrated. It's rare to see a person take something so seriously
and also enjoy it so much. I basically skate along, not trying much
of anything (like I'd have a prayer in keeping up with him anyway)
as he produces hammer after hammer. The boy's on fire. Rusty? Man
did I ever deserve that look. I've rarely seen him bust tricks out
with such ease, such fluidity. You'd think, seeing him do them,
that the tricks were so easy anyone could do them, but believe me,
skating is hard shit. Celery just makes it look easy. The scars
I've acquired over my pathetic career are a testimony to the amount of true
skill required.

There is one semi-rant I must go on, just in the interest of truth.
Some people I know, think that skateboarding is only snowboarding
with wheels. Let me contain my rage, and then I'll be able to continue.
It is WAY WAY WAY harder than snowboarding. Any pro skater - hell
probably any half decent skater - having never previously stepped
on a snowboard could practice for like a month and be good enough
to go pro. It's even been done to prove the point. Snowboarding'
s not even really an extreme sport anymore, it's in the fucking
Olympics for heavens sake! It's all TRENDY now. I hate snowboarding.
And roller blading. That's also a totally easy sport, compared to
skating. I guess most of the rage comes from the fact that while
skateboardings is so obviously better, bladers and snowboarders
get way more recognition. Then again, who wants to be hip with the
idiot masses of the mainstream? I know that this makes me like a
skateboard Nazi or whatever, but I'm also prejudiced again Red Necks,
Country Music, and Boy Bands, and I stand by my prejudices. Oh yeah,
it also really pisses me off when people who know nothing about
skateboarding and have never ridden themselves wear skater shoes
and clothes and stuff. Let the posers stick with snowboarding. Like
when I see some dude wearing A Zero hoody and Es shoes, and I KNOW
for a fact he's never skated for real, it really makes me mad. Celery'
s more calm about the whole thing (so he's a better person than
me, no surprise there) but he doesn't like it much either. I think
for him, it's more that he feels sorry for them. I think, privately,
Celery feels sorry for every person who's never skated. Even I,
crap skater that I am, feel some of the same. Nothing feels like
skateboarding. Honestly, people who've never tried it have absolutely
no idea how fun it is. You just can't understand unless you've tried
it. It's like nothing else.

Our skate session - which goes late into the night - proves to be
a good frustration getter-outer. I don't even do much, but it still
wicked relaxes me. Celery too, and we're ready for another serious
talk when we get back. We try to keep it down 'cause of the lateness,
but it's not the raging emotions talk of the night before, so that'
s easy. There's more planning, more `we can do this' building each
other, more laughing. By 2:30, I'm 100% whole again. Celery's here,
and he's punched out the dark places and the holes that seeing him
didn't erase, and that's what I've done for him. We're more in sync
than we've ever been. We're not even talking anymore. Just lying
on my bed, holding hands. I can't really describe what I'm feeling,
but it's something like we're resting in the clouds instead of my
bed. Like we're flying. It's a sense of freedom and joy I've never
experienced before.

Monday goes by all too fast, but you know what they say about what
happens to time when you're having fun. It's another day with Kyle
and Jonas, but we've had our nights, our private time. There's just
as much joy in time with them. I was right, we do make a kick ass
quartet of US. We laugh, we joke, and we never stop smiling.

Until the time comes for him to leave, of course. We keep the sadness
from coming by all cramming into my bedroom, keeping the talking
going as he packs, checks his tickets and makes sure he has everything
he needs. I try to ignore the voice that's screaming what he really
needs is ME, but it screams on. We take the bakery van, so everyone
can come along to the airport. The whole way, every time I look
at him, my eyes fill with tears.

When we hear the flight's been delayed an hour, there's a celebration.
Celery and I sit cuddled together on one of those ultra comfortable
airport chairs, and I know there must be looks, and probably comments,
but we don't hear them. Just before boarding there's this big tearful
scene, but we have our new plans, and I know I'll see him at Christmas.
That, coupled with the arms of Jonas and Kyle around me and the
love coming from my parents and younger siblings standing behind
me, saves me from a total breakdown.

I stare out the window way past when the plane's gone from view,
and I have to be led to the van, but I'm a lot better than I expected
to be. That night, when I feel myself wanting to slip back into
the blackness again, I remember our latest pact. The happiness pact.
We've never sworn on something with more gravity, expect maybe when
we exchanged our vows. It's a simple pact. It's a get back into
the world pact. It went like this.

Me first:

"I swear to stop feeling so sorry for myself. I swear to smile when
I'm smiled at, laugh when something is funny, and make fun of as
many people as possible - especially Kyle. I swear that I'll do
my best not to feel guilty, and that I will not only talk to people
when they talk to me, but that I'll even try to start conversations.
Most of all, I swear to start appreciating the people around me,
and to be grateful for the fact that I am loved."

Then Celery:

"I swear to stop ignoring my own feelings. I swear that if I need
to be sad, I'll let myself be. I swear to stop ignoring everyone
on the volleyball team when they talk to me, or when other people
talk to me in class. I will try to make friends, and I'll do my
best not to feel guilty about it. I swear I'll be more honest about
what I'm feeling - not just in song lyrics. I swear to laugh more,
to smile regularly, and be happy, knowing that I am loved."

---

Edited by Ed