Date: Thu, 08 May 2003 18:25:05 -0500 From: Karla Schulz Subject: Carrots and Celery Part Two Chapter Seven Lots of stuff will happen in this chapter. None of it fun. But understand it was no easier to write that it will be to read. --- The first few days are just this horrible blur. I don't know how I got home. I assume someone must have come and gotten me, 'cause I'm pretty sure I just like stayed there standing on that driveway, lost to all things around me. Through the blur, I curse myself repeatedly for not going with him. What an idiot. Like I'm any use to anyone here in this condition. As if anything could be worse than this. Along with the major waves and grief and self-pity, I seem to recall a lot of no eating, feeling like death, and near endless crying. All pretty pathetic. There also may have been a fair amount of concerned voices and faces surrounding me at intermittent periods during the day. All the usual suspects I'm guessing. I think even the twins and Kara took shot at reviving me. Eventually, on like day three or four, Kyle held me down, Jonas force-fed me and I was shoved into the shower by somebody. I think it was my dad. Could have been someone else. Not sure. Anyway, I'm back to bathing and eating regularly now, but that's about all the improvement I've made. I'm crying less, but I'm feeling as terrible as ever. There's too much pain. I can't even feel it all really. I just know there's all this other stuff down under the surface, but I'm gradually becoming numb to it all. Feeling less and less, responding less and less to the people and things going on around me. I know now, what's it's like to be without him. I'm now experiencing all I knew I could never prepare myself for. The shock of it has far from worn off, but I'm definitely feeling it. Even as things start to slip away, even as the pain is dulled by numbness, the pain is with me. I'm become almost entirely mute. What else can I do? Do you know what it's like to go from having someone who understands everything you say no matter how insane and out of context it may appear to be, to nothing? Suddenly, the fact that I speak a different language is really starting to matter. My brilliant solution is to say nothing. Don't knock it. It's working so far. --- I'm not wrong when I assume most people know at least vaguely who Plato is, am I? And it's true that there's a smaller but still large number of people who are familiar with one of his theories of love presented in 'Symposium' which generally and poorly explained says people used to walk around in pairs, attached, and now we're just unattached looking for our other half? I believe that, and quite obviously, Celery's the missing half of me. Now that he's gone, I'm incomplete again. Aside from being awful and horrible and all that other stuff, it's really strange. I mean, I haven't been incomplete since I was 6 years old and frankly, back then, who really thinks about stuff like that? Well not me anyway. Even if I had been aware then that I wasn't whole, now would still be worse because I've felt what it's like to be, making me feel all the emptier now that I'm not again. It goes beyond just missing him. I'm not even me anymore. I've been left all on my own to do all the things I only know how to do with Celery and it's rendered me totally useless. I have no idea what to do with myself. Nothing's funny anymore. Not without Celery to laugh with. Kyle and Jonas are trying though, heaven knows. I want to laugh just so they'll feel some sense of satisfaction or accomplishment, but my hearts not in it. My heart is not here at all. It's 23 hours away somewhere in suburban Calgary with Celery. Remember how I said I before basically hadn't been talking? Well, that's still going. Never to engage conversation, only to answer questions, usually in as few words as possible, often just with no words at all. A head shake or nod, some facial expression, no response. I've lost the will to tell jokes without Celery to laugh at them. There's nothing I have to say, no stories I want to tell if he's not here to listen to them. I used to be the guy who resented it when other people said stuff like, 'now's really not the time to make jokes' and 'I don't think that's appropriate right now'. I used to believe that there existed no situation where laughter wasn't better than the alternative. Now I see differently, now I understand. I mean, how dare they (usually Jonas and Kyle) try to spoil my bad mood being all funny and supportive. Do they understand nothing about wallowing in self-pity and misery? Honestly though, I didn't expect it to be this bad. I mean, I knew it was going to suck - rip your heart out suck - but this is unreal. What makes it all a million times worse is that I know this is what Celery must be feeling too. That if anything, he's doing worse than me. All alone. Not that I'm exactly taking advantage of my support network. I don't think anyone else was expecting it to be this bad either. Lately, I get the feeling they're all sort of waiting for the day to come where it's suddenly 'the worst's over now', but no luck yet. I know what an asshole I'm being. Like, I'm not the only one who misses him. He was like a son to Mom and Dad, a brother to the twins, Kara, and especially Jonas and Kyle. I don't have exclusive pain rights about this whole thing. I know how I'm acting isn't helping matters, but the me they miss - the one they're all expecting me to snap back into - he doesn't live here anymore. At the moment, he doesn't even really exist. I've been split in two. It's just bad luck that the really crappy half of me is what we're all stuck with over here. What I do with a lot of my time these days is sleep. I find not being conscious very helpful. What I am isn't even sad really, but empty. I don't feel anything. I'm just sort of numb to it all. Like I said, there's just too much. I can't deal with it. I'm able to pull myself out of it, and feel something again only for the like 20 minutes a day we talk on the phone. Even though my parents would pay for it, that's it 'cause that's all he can afford for us to talk. As you know he got a cell phone as part of our whole wedding present extravaganza, but Celery has to pay for the minutes himself. The wedding money's already gone. I've tried to get him to let me help, but I think it's some stupid pride issue or whatever. More of that 'You've already done more than enough' crap. Not like it isn't for me too or anything. We do go over lots though, and then sometimes he lets me send him cash, so I guess it's okay. It's horrible and wonderful simultaneously, talking on the phone. The distance both disappears and seems more tangible. Hanging up is naturally the worst part. We usually have to start saying good-bye while we still have a good five minutes left or we'll never get it done. My only other show of emotion for the day will be crying directly after we've hung up. You're probably thinking our phone conversations are awkward, but they're not. There's nothing wrong with US. WE'RE not different. We still fit together perfectly. We're struggling because we don't fit with our new situations. But for the about 15 minutes we have before our usually tearful good-byes, it's like everything's back to normal. The pain of the distance comes with saying good-bye, until then we can both pretend he's still a just down the street, talking to me from his room at Their old house. I don't know if it makes saying good-bye hurt more or less. The main other thing that I feel (other than that black nothing I mentioned and this sick sad feeling constantly in the pit of my stomach) - and it's with me pretty much all the time - is worry for Celery. I'm absolutely positive he hasn't made any friends. There's no chance, considering he's bound to be talking even less than I am. Celery's never really shaken that 'don't talk to strangers' sensibility. He really only meets new people when someone he already knows and has some level of trust with introduces them to him. It's no small miracle he was able to make friends with the other jocks in Junior High, and that's only because he already sort of knew Brian from Elementary. When I think back, I don't know how on earth I got him to talk to me so casually right when we first met, but I guess it just goes back to what he said about always trusting me in a special way different from everyone else. I don't know what it was that made me seem so special, but I'm glad he saw it, whatever it was. So anyway, I worry about him. He tells me he's fine when we talk, but I tell him the same thing, and I'm sure not fine, so that doesn't really help me. Something that's surprising (at least to my parents anyway) is that my marks aren't suffering. If anything, they've never been better. I was actually happy to see the first day of school. There was a lot of 'this is our anniversary sort of' type pain, but nevertheless it came as a welcomed distraction. Pouring energy into doing the work at least gives me something to do other than sleep and feel way too sorry for myself. The only downside to the whole school scene is that people are always asking me about Celery. Where he is and if I miss him and all that stuff. I prefer the people who harass me about not having my 'big boyfriend' around to protect me anymore. Anger's easier to feel. The looks of sympathy, the strangers who try to act like we have something in common, like what they're feeling is anything compared to me, how they say they miss him too, that I can't stand. It's truth from my family, from Jonas, and maybe also from Alex and Brian, but no one else even knew Celery. They don't know anything. Kaleb's been pretty present. Trying to help, give his support. He's 100% not trying to make a move on me now that Celery's gone, he's still way gone on Shane, but I still don't respond to him much. It's nothing personal. I don't respond to anyone much. Not my family, not Jonas (who's basically family anyway), nobody. I do my work, I stay focused, I try not to feel. Celery's doing the same escape thing, but with sports. He's got to be going crazy not having his board, cause skating is one of the major things that soothes him and calms him down when he's upset, but They didn't let him bring it. Just to be assholes I think. There was no other reason. Except maybe some bullshit about how it's illegal to skate in the neighbourhood they moved to. Like that ever stopped him before. They made him throw it out, but I liberated it later of course, and sometimes I go out to one of his favourite spots, and just sit on it, feeling everything and nothing. But me doing that doesn't do him much good. At least his school has a volleyball team so that's something. In addition to phone calls, we write letters - everyday. It's like a journal we're writing together, sharing our pages with each other. I tell him what's new and exciting, but I'm sure he can tell like everything else it's just me going through the motions. Without Celery nothing's exciting. He tells me stuff that's going on there too, but according to his letters that's not much. He's settling in, he doesn't mind his teachers, or coaches, or the people. He's never said he likes them, only that they don't bother him in any particular way. They are ignoring him as usual. The steps love it in Calgary. Everything is reported factually without any emotion. Mostly though, our letters are filled with memories of the 'good old days', I miss yous and lots of mushy love stuff. Only I'm not sure if I want to call it mushy since it's what we're feeling, so it means more than mush usually does. A big thing for us is "Song of the Day". Basically, we each find a song that sort of captures the mood and feel of our day, and then we send the songs to each other. It gives us something to do but it also makes us feel connected. Music says stuff, sometimes, that you just can't. I know I'm not the first person to come up with an idea like that, you don't have to act impressed by my profoundness. It just helps. We both have Morpheus, so we can not only read the lyrics but listen to the song. We'll highlight the bits that really affected us, but listening to the whole song helps transmit the emotion more effectively. Sometimes lyrics, or even what the song is about, have nothing to do with the way it makes you feel. Sometimes it's the way a song connects you with a memory, or a person, or a place. It's the most honest part of our correspondence - what we can't bring ourselves to say ourselves we say by stealing other people's words. It almost kills me the day we both send each other Brick. Brick is one of the most beautiful but heartbreakingly sad songs I've ever heard. We both highlighted the same line too: "I'm feeling more alone, than I ever have, before." It loses so much in just words, but you get the idea. We cried into the phone our whole 20 minutes that day. It was pretty harsh. The next day was better though, sort of. I sent him "Understanding Car Crash" (by Thursday) and Celery sent me "Pamphleteer" (by The Weakerthans). With lines like 'why do I still see you, in every mirrored window, in all that I could never overcome' and 'I don't want to feel this way forever', I don't know why I've classified that as a better day, but there you go. Maybe because we managed not to cry the entire phone call, I don't know. The day after that, I sent "Places that you've come to fear the most" (by Dashboard Confessionals) and got "We Never Close" (by the Bonaduces) With mine it was basically the whole song (except for all that 'perfect makeup' stuff), but Celery highlighted only "I just wanna be with you, tonight." --- Since Celery left, I've been going home for lunch. I've been lucky so far, no one's been home, I find it's better to be alone. Easier. No one looking concerned or trying to get me to string together more than a few words at a time. On this particular noon unfortunately, luck is not with me. "Hey," Kyle says, looking up at me from the kitchen table, surprised. "Hi," I mutter, opening my lunch bag and taking stuff out. "What are you doing here?" I shrug. "Having lunch." "Yeah, I can see that. How come you're not at school?" "I like it here better. You know, more privacy." "Do you want me to like go upstairs or something?" "No, it's fine. I just... I mean, I'm not going to be very good company." Kyle puts on a brave-face grin. "Carrots, you've always been shit for company." "Don't call me that," I say sharply, action on a decision I've made. It's been almost a month, and I just can't take it anymore. "What?" "Don't call me Carrots or Care or C1 or any of it." "Why not?" I hate that concerned look, that gentle tone. But maybe it's my own fault. The way I've been acting, how else are they supposed to treat me? "I can't stand to live in a world where every single thing it in - even my name - reminds me of him. It huts too much," in my worst moments, I've wanted to scratch my tattoo off and watch it bleed, or at least cover it up. I've wanted to take off his hat and do something melodramatic and drastic like burning it. But I could never do that. I could never deny what Celery means to me. I can tell he's holding back, that there's a rant like lecture on the tip of Kyle's tongue. He struggles with himself for a few minutes before shaking his head sadly and moving to but not touching my shoulder. "Okay. Sure. I'll try to remember." "Thank you." I don't talk to Kyle or anyone else for the rest of the day. I dodge Jonas in class, and ignore Kaleb's concerned looks. I eat something right after I get home and then spend the rest of the evening in my room, door locked. I break out of my cocoon to talk to Celery, and then cry myself to sleep after we've said good-bye. Typical day. The whole name change thing does not go over quite as well with Jonas as it did with Kyle. We're in the cafeteria before class, sitting in silence (which is mostly my fault, seeing as I'm no talking boy these days) when Jonas begins some thought, "Carrots," I flinch at the name. "I don't want to be called that anymore. At least not for now." "No?" His voice is dripping with something, and it's not golden honey. "No. It's too painful." I notice his fists are clenched, he's rising up in his chair, not totally standing, but definitely adding some height. "This shit will cease," his voice is dead serious, commanding. "Carrots is you. You're not whatever the fuck your birth name is. Just because Celery isn't here doesn't mean you get to stop being the person you are. I know how much having him not here sucks, and we're all feeling the pain, but you're just making it worse, dude. You're hurting yourself, you're shutting off. That's no way to live. I guess we were all hoping you'd like snap out of it so no one would have to call you on it, but that's obviously not going to happen. So I'm doing it. And I'm going to nail Kyle for not doing the same. I assume you've dropped this little bomb on him already?" I nod sullenly. "Thought so. Weak willed softy. This is tough love time. The whole giving you time to deal and adjust period is over. No more, misery man, you've got to get with it. I know time isn't making this suck any less, but regardless, it's time. The world is NOT over. You're still fucking alive - and so is Celery - so you better start acting like it. Got that, Carrots?" I say nothing. A few minutes pass and the bell rings. Jonas holds up a finger. "This isn't over." Avoiding his eyes, I start walking sulkily away. True to his word, Jonas starts riding me about talking more, smiling, laughing. He's not mean about it, after all, the goal is still to cheer me up, he's just less patient. There's no more 'okay, if you're not ready yet, I won't push it'. It's all about pushing. Everyone's on board. They must have had like a meeting about it or something. I wasn't invited. But Mom, Dad, even Jon, Dave, Kara and of course Kyle, are all part of Jonas's new regime. Each of their attitudes towards me has shifted. That same night I got a verbal thrashing from Kyle, who went the 'how would Celery feel if he knew you were doing this to yourself' route. Major ouch. But also major mad, like, fuck them. They don't know how I'm feeling. They aren't missing this huge gaping part of themselves. Mostly, that's my emotion. But, as much as I'm trying to ignore it, there's this little part of me, this little voice, that knows they're right. Not that I'll be spreading that information around any time soon. This is a strictly on the almost entirely suppressed and subconscious DL right now. Be that as it may, I have the sneaking suspicion I'll be thanking all of them for this one day. --- Edited by Ed