Date: Sun, 04 May 2003 21:58:50 -0500 From: Karla Schulz Subject: Carrots and Celery Part Two Chapter Six Okay, so I was in Ottawa for a week, but now I'm back. Horribly tired and with very sore feet - but back. And this chapter is here to let you know it. Read, and enjoy. Or like, you know, try not to let it get you too depressed. It has a tendency do that. --- The only thing I can really say about our final days together is never underestimate the power of denial. Every time even a glimmer of his leaving comes up I'll have it pushed away so quick you wouldn't have even guessed it was there. I on no uncertain terms refuse to let myself think about it and I don't let Celery talk to me about it either. It's an incredibly fine and perilous line to be walking between safe and dangerous. It's also the only thing I can do. The bad thing is I sort of collapse under the strain of my own denial on the morning of his last day. This unsurprisingly causes HIM to break down and before you know it its just one big wet teary sob fest. Everything's been arranged, phone calls and e-mail, visits, all that stuff, so technically, we're like, "prepared". But, of course we aren't. There's no preparing for something like this. I've been saying it over and over, you should have gotten it by now. I just can't prepare myself for this. I still can't believe it's happening. To me, to US. I know he's leaving. I know in my head that this time tomorrow Celery won't be here with me. I believe it, like in my brain it's one of those facts that I've accepted kind of like that the world is round and you shouldn't drink draino, but I can't FEEL it. Not in my heart. I don't even remember what it's like to be without him so I have nothing to base my irrational focus on. How can I truly freak out about something, if I don't know what it's like? Because I can't in any practical or tangible way picture life without him, it doesn't really seem possible. I can't imagine myself doing things, living regular life, without Celery along for the ride and it seems so unreal because of that. Looking over at him now, lying across from me on my bed, I can't make myself believe he won't be here with me tomorrow. That after tomorrow I'll have to go back to waking up alone, living alone, BEING alone. Celery smiles at me sadly. Will I really be expected to go on without seeing his beautiful face? Can this actually be happening? He reaches over and strokes my face. Here now. Real. Not gone. "I love you," "I know you do," He takes my hand and kisses my wrist, just where the tattoo is. I love it when he does that. His eyes are like these giant grey tunnels and I swear if I stare into them long enough I'll be able to disappear into them forever. "You going to be okay tomorrow?" And here's me, wanting with everything I have to pretend like tomorrow's never going to happen. That we can just keep on living today for the rest of our lives. "No. Not okay or fine or even anything short of unbearably in pain. Just like you. But there's nothing that will change that, no matter how much we talk about it, or plan ways of keeping in touch." I've gotten extremely bitter these past couple days. Like, more so than usual. I know. And you thought it wasn't possible. "Baby, we'll get through it," Hilarious. Him telling me that. "You think if you tell me that enough times you'll actually start to believe it?" I warned you about the bitter. Celery's used to it by now. He doesn't really let me get away with it though. He sits up. "Don't," told ya! "Not today. Today is all we have left, we have to enjoy it." I sigh. "Then stop asking me if I'm going to be okay," I plead, almost in tears, ready to lose it. "I can't think about any of it and still smile at you and be happy. I can't," Just before the tears really start coming, he takes my head in his hands and cradles it against his chest, sort of rocking me. I slip my arms around his waist and we just zone out the world for awhile. At dinner it's all about sharing the pain. Everyone's at the table (naturally that's Jonas too) and we all talk and cry and try to comfort each other. There's also a big stay positive and cheerful push. Remembering the good in life and all that. There are even a few times now and then that it actually works for a second. And that's like, a WHOLE second. Which isn't bad considering. It's gotten to be that I can't even look at Celery without starting to well up with tears, but I guess I'm coping. Full out breakdown will come later. And it's not going to be pretty. I know I'm being kind of disjointed and all over the placey and I'm sorry, but I can't really think too long about anything. I keep sort of phasing out all the time. I think it's starting to worry Celery. People talk to me, and I'll hear about half of what they say before my mind slips into something else, or more likely, nothing at all. It wouldn't really bother me (cause at least in my weird little trancy things I can't feel the pain of his leaving) except I'm missing precious minutes with my love. I must have missed dinner ending. I also don't recall going upstairs but here we are. Jonas and Kyle too. All in my room. Celery has his arms around me, we're on my bed. In it actually. I'm cold for some reason so we're under blankets. I guess I must have told him about the being cold, or he guessed. I don't remember that either. Kyle is on my chair, Jonas at his feet. He's leaning against Kyle's legs, his eyes half closed. They look so natural. So painfully beautiful. Blonde and brown, dark and light. Kyle with a hand on Jonas's shoulder. Best friends. They make each other so happy. They laugh together. Their minds have those corresponding shapes that make it all worth while whenever they're together. If I try really hard will I be able to hate them? Tomorrow will come and they'll still be together. Not alone. Their hearts will remain unbroken. No use trying. I couldn't want to hate them, even if it was possible for me to. Celery's touching my arm, talking to me. I can't focus on what he's saying. Not even his face. I can barely feel him. He's not even gone yet and I've already lost him! He's shaking me harder, talking louder. There's movement. Jonas and Kyle are getting up. Standing over me. How did I get on my back? "Celery?" The word sort of rips itself out of my throat. With massive relief he exhales and pulls my limp weakened body back against him. "What happened?" I ask shakily. "That's what we'd like to know!" Jonas scoffs, sounding slightly hysterical. "Are you okay baby?" Celery asks me, holding me away so he can peer at me all concerned and pensive. I smile. I don't know what I am, but I don't want him to be worried. That thing that was happening to me before - whatever it was - I think it's over. I'm back from wherever I was. Back in the pain, but also back with him, which is all that matters. "Yeah, I guess," He hugs me again. I look over his shoulder at the still worried and standing Jonas and Kyle, and try to smile again. "Really," I tell them. Doubtfully, them assume their previous positions. "I just like spaced out or whatever," "It was happening all evening, I just didn't know what to do. Then like 10 minutes ago you went all like catatonic," Celery tells me, not exactly being calm and confidant that everything's back to normal guy. Lots of worry and fear still. If I only understood myself I'd be happy to explain it too him. "I guess it was just like, too much or something. I couldn't handle it anymore so the only option left was to like NOT handle it. Slip out of the reality that was too much for me to take," That sounds at least vaguely possible right? Plausible even? Sound theory-ish? Celery seems mildly convinced and relaxed by my patched together explanation. "Do you think it's going to happen again?" Finally a question I know the answer to. I smile reassuringly. "No. I'm absolutely sure it won't. It's very little fun, but my brain's finally figured out that I want to be here," I smile again, nudging him with a shoulder, "with you, for as long as I can, even though that's not very long anymore," "Much love to you too Care," Jonas gripes. I smile with the love and amusement Jonas almost always brings out in me. "You guys too, you're all part of this particular reality package," "The platinum addition," I roll my eyes at Kyle. "Good taste is easy to recognize," I'll expect my many cans of free cat food within the day. --- Later, when we're lying together, alone in the dark, the bad thoughts come back - and worse - but I don't let myself stop looking at him and eventually the feelings stop. The pull ends and I find I don't have to cling so hard onto reality in order to be able to stay there. Celery's no more asleep than I am, but the quiet is what we're about right now. In some ways I think we both feel like we should be, I don't know, taking advantage of this last opportunity to be together, but there's not even a shred of that mood here. Cuddling, whispering, that we can do. Sex on the other hand is basically out of the question. That's a joyful thing. Definitely not the tone of the evening. I doubt either of us could even like physically do it. I might as well be dead as far as that part of me's working right now. I can't think of what else to do, and since I remember it helped once, very softly, I start to sing, Come up to meet ya, tell you I'm sorry You don't know how lovely you are I had to find you, tell you I need ya And tell you I set you apart Tell me your secrets, and nurse me your questions Oh lets go back to the start Running in circles, coming up tails Heads on a science apart Nobody said it was easy It's such a shame for us to part Nobody said it was easy No one ever said it would be this hard Oh take me back to the start I was just guessing at numbers and figures Pulling the puzzles apart Questions of science, science and progress Do not speak as loud as my heart And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me Oh and I rush to the start Running in circles, chasing tails Coming back as we are Nobody said it was easy Oh it's such a shame for us to part Nobody said it was easy No one ever said it would be so hard I'm going back to the start By the time the sun comes again, I'm totally hoarse, but singing silly songs, and we're actually laughing. We didn't sleep at all. We talked and I sang and we kissed our lips numb, but nothing more. It was a beautiful night. No matter what, we'll always have it. Whatever the rest of the day brings, we'll always have that one pure joy memory. And the ceremony, that promise. I'm just hoping that's going to be enough. All the time as I'm fearing it won't be. Breakfast is like dinner all over again, the striving for cheerfulness against all odds, the general failing miserably with snatches of near success. I can't talk or take my eyes off Celery. My mind doesn't drift from full attention to him for a millisecond. I'm locking these images of him in so they'll never leave me. Every sip of juice, every bite of food, every smile, every look, every touch and gesture. In an hour he has to leave. We'll talk over the Their house (all packed away and empty by now) and then he'll get into the car, and that'll be it. I still don't really believe it but in an hour whether I believe it or not it'll be real. "Baby?" Up in my room again, willing our last minutes together to go on forever. Hiding up there, wishing that shutting the door could make time stand still. "Yeah?" He's holding me of course, and I'm looking up at him. Lying on the bed, head in his lap, one hand brushing fingers along my hair, the other gripping my shoulder. "This changes nothing." It's a simple promise. One we've made using different words a million other times since this all began, but I understand why he needed to say it again. Half a promise, half a plea. He needs me to tell him I believe it, so maybe he can start. "It changes a lot of things Cel," I begin softly, hoping my tone will stop the words from hurting him. "Not how I feel about you," it's old ground. Familiar territory. But we can't seem to stop covering it. "No, not that. But other things. Big things. We may not be changing but the world is changing around us. We may have to change in order to keep up." "I'm not going to stop loving you to `keep up'!" I quickly grab his hand away from my shoulder and squeeze it firmly. "That's not what I meant. You have to know that. I mean, we got married didn't we? That's a fairly long-term commitment. Like, till death is awhile. I just think we have to prepare ourselves. A year is going to feel like a pretty long while too," "You don't think it's a little late to try to start emotionally preparing ourselves now? I'm leaving in less than an hour. Where was "let's deal" Carrots for the past month?" I sigh. "Hiding. Terrified, in denial, and hiding." Sadly, he leans down and kisses me. "You weren't right to be hiding for the reasons you did, but you were right about not bothering to try to prepare. It's impossible. I can't do it, neither can you. It would have been a waste of energy," "Like you trying harder to get Them to let you stay?" I must admit that's still something of a sore spot. "Can we not go over all that again. Didn't we settle all that?" I sit up. His eyes are grey. This particular portion of our parting isn't going well. I think it has something to do with the fact that we're both trying to fill up the silence by saying things we already have or that are better left unsaid. "I love you Celery," He gets it. He gets that that's me saying enough. It's my line in the sand. "I love you too," He pulls me into his arms. I've often had the unfortunate experience of hours passing too fast. There was so much to do, not nearly enough time. So many other people he had to hug and try to say good-bye too. So many other people who will miss him too. It was stupid of me to say Jonas and Kyle's hearts wouldn't be breaking today. They're losing a brother and a best friend. It's not just me. I'm pretty selfish and sometimes I feel like it is, just it's far from just me. My heart's not the only one that's crying. "You sure you want to come along?" Celery asks gently, biting his lip. I don't have the energy to roll my eyes, but I manage some faint scowl action. "Want to try asking that again and see what happens to you?" He surrenders with a guilty smile. "Okay, so it was dumb. I just don't want you to have to like, go through that. It'll be so much like your dreams and I'm afraid you'll-" "I won't. I promise," I say with all sincerity. The bit of his sentence I cut off probably went something like `freak out when I can't be there to calm you down'. I meant my promise, but still, the thought's pretty chilling. Very, grim realities and all that stuff. Soothing, calming me down. Getting me through a million insane freak attacks. Just one of the countless things I depend on him for. He nods. "If you're sure," We stare at each other for a stretch of time I wish could go on forever, but dies slowly when he says, "I have to go," I nod, somehow, not even crying. He reaches out, tucking my hair behind my ears, then takes off his hat and places it firmly on my head. It's on backwards, so I can still see all of him. I smile. I understand. It's his only physical way of staying with me. We take one more deep look, and then slowly, with a determination and strength I didn't know either of us possessed, we take each others hand, and start walking down the street. It's very dead man walking. When we get there, They're already standing in the lawn, the steps packed into Their shinny SUV, probably whining about something. I make no attempt to hide my hatred and disgust at the sight of Debbie and Doug. My hand tightens onto Celery's and I wonder if I'll actually be able to let it go. "Let's go, in the car," Doug orders, annoyed we took this long. Celery turns, and uses his free hand to caress my face. I soak up his touch. "I love you baby," He says in a loud and clear voice. Making no attempt to hide from Them. I pull him close. "I love you too sweet one, always, forever, all of it," We kiss, quite possibly with more passion than ever before. Desperation will do that to ya. "I'll call you when we get there," I nod through a tremble. I feel him starting to slip his fingers out from my grasp. I somehow force myself not to resist. "Always baby, I love you," He promises one last time and then walks towards the car. I get one final look, and there's the kind of love in it that almost makes me fall to my knees. And then he's gone. Doug slams the door behind Celery and he and Debbie get in too. I didn't even feel like crying really, or think I was going to, but the second he got into that car the tears just started pouring down my cheeks. Just like the dream, Celery's crying face is pressed up against the receding glass, but unlike the dream I know it's not forever. I know it's Them who are leaving, Them who are taking him. I know it's not Celery who is leaving with Them. I know that his heart has stayed here with me. --- Edited by Ed.