Date: Wed, 09 Apr 2003 20:05:23 -0500 From: Karla Schulz Subject: Carrots and Celery Part Two chapter Three Okay, look. I know. And I'm sorry. But, it's what happened. I didn't want this either, but, it's just what came to me. I sat there after having typed the last line of part one and I was like, 'holy shit! Is that the end?' 'cause it sure looked like it to me for a second there. But then everything that part two is came to me in a rush, and I just started writing more. I hope no one hates me too much, and that you can still love the story, sadness or not. Anyway, just read the thing. More than enough rambling out of me. --- A day passes, and then another, and another. You know the way that kind of thing goes. It keeps going like that until a week has passed. Doug hasn't gotten word on a job yet, but a moving company has already been hired and put on standby. Celery's staying at our house around the clock until the last possible day, but we've been going over There every so often, starting to put some of his stuff in boxes. There's a lot to sort through. I'm sitting on his stripped bed as Celery packs his life into boxes and we're talking about things like how we'll write each other everyday and remembering stuff that's happened, memories triggered by items saved intentionally or put away and forgotten about. Mostly we've somehow managed to be cheerful but my eyes keep filling up with tears that never spill down my cheeks. It happens whenever I think about things for more than a few seconds. It's still not real to me yet. I can't really remember life without Celery. Other than assuming it will be awful I have no concept of what it will be like to miss him. He's all I know. Him being here, always around or near enough for it to still seem that way. We've never spent even a week apart. No summer camps or family vacations have ever separated us. They used to leave him with us when They went away and even since the first long vacation we took as a family when I was 8, Celery's come along. The closest we've come is when he would be gone overnight for sports or the weeks of yearbook wrap-up. He doesn't matter just to me, everyone wants him to stay. Though she didn't do it right at the time we first told her, Mom's cried about it. Almost as much as me probably. Dad too I think. When we told the twins they got mad because they thought I was joking around and they didn't find it all that funny. When we finally got them to believe me they got up and left the room. I think they cried together in their room. We told Kara together like we planned, with Mom and Dad and Kyle and everybody, and she clung onto Celery's neck and cried heartbreakingly. I found myself wishing I was an 11-year-old girl so I'd be allowed to do the same thing. Not that that isn't basically what I've done anyway. "Look at this!" Celery exclaims suddenly, holding up something. I clear my mind and focus on him. It's a tin of some kind, for a second it's meaningless to me, but then I remember. When we were nine we started a club. It was a club of two. That was very important. It was the first rule in fact. No new members. Only the founding two. A good club's gotta have rules. And a club house. We made my dad build us this thing big enough for us to sit up or lie down in. Just a roof and three walls, this other piece of wood we could slide that we used for the door. It was the ugliest thing you ever saw, but of course we loved it. Dad put it in the back yard. It was Celery's idea for us to use it to sleep in sometimes. I don't know anyone else but Celery who could have convinced me to sleep outside on the ground. But, he's always been able to get me to try stuff. I've always trusted him that way. That summer we spent countless nights out there making up funny and outrageous ghost stories. The more ridiculous and the less scary the better. Scared is not something we've ever been about. We've always rather been laughing. By the next summer we'd both outgrown the fort (in the physical sense) so the club disbanded. But we packed up the rulebook and all of the countless unrealized master plans, the map we drew of the neighbourhood, and the club's code of honour, all for posterity. "Open it up," I say eagerly, getting off the bed and crouching by him on the floor. "This is crazy," he says, easing off the lid. "It's us." I know what he means. It's all us. Everything that's happened, it's always been us, happening to US. I don't know what I'm going to do when it stops being like that.Inside is everything I remembered, but nne of it's quite how I remembered. I guess that's what it's like for everything you're remembering. Memory changes things, altering them. You forget parts and remember others. Everything seems bigger too, larger, in memory. Apparently, this is because when you remember something, you're older and bigger than you were in that memory, so objects are smaller in comparison. Sounds like a valid theory. "I love you," I've been saying that a lot. Even more than normal. Every chance I get, whenever I don't know what else to say. He looks away from the tin and into my eyes. "I'll always love you." We hug each other desperately, crying over the tin, the ultimate symbol of our shared youth. --- I've never really been a nightmare kind of a guy, but lately I've been having them. In the past, uncommon though they were, the nightmares I did have I never remembered. I just woke up sometimes feeling unhappy, or my heart racing. These nightmares I remember perfectly. It's the same exact dream over and over. In my dream, I'm freshly waking up, and I feel peaceful, happy. Happiness lasts for a few seconds before I casually turn my head to the clock, only to see that it's late. I never even really SEE the numbers in my dream, I just know it's late. Too late. I've missed something terribly important. Before today, I'd always woken up before I could figure out what it was I'd missed. The mystery has been solved now though. It was the same dream as all the others until the end. After realizing it was late I threw off the covers and ran out of my room, then my house and finally down the street to the house. I got there just in time to see Their SUV driving away, and Celery's crying face turned towards me, hands pressed up against the glass of the rear view window. After about an hour of self-physco analysis, this is what I've come up with. Unless it's completely meaningless (highly possible) what I think is going on here is that the stress I'm feeling over his leaving is complying with my (until now mostly subconscious) fear of being left behind. In the very small, rational, sane portion of my brain, I know Celery's not leaving me willingly, but that hasn't stopped my subconscious from running amuck. But, have no fear. Now that I've done my own little dream interpretation thing, I'm going to wake Celery up and talk to him about it. He'll help sort me out. But before the explaining and sorting, I think I might cling to him for awhile. I'm predicting it's going to be a LONG while. It is. A VERY long while. The desperate, I'll die if I let go, kind of clinging, and the dry weeping. Celery does what he can to calm me down, but it takes forever. Getting an explanation doesn't prove to be much easier. When he's eventually pieced things together Celery looks at me sternly. "You know that's not what's happening. I'll never leave you," I smile in the most pathetic, helpless against the crazy emotions, way you can possibly imagine. "I know, but still with the badness." He nods. "Okay, as long as it's only insanity and you know it. 'Cause my heart's going to be with you the entire time," I smile again, slightly less pathetically. "And mine with you," --- That night (after a day of much clinging) I have a now familiar conversation with Kyle. Jonas is there also, but Celery's playing with Kara, trying to cheer her up. She's been showing her misery more than any of us the past week."I don't understand why he won't let us try to find a way for him to stay!" It's frustrating Kyle to no end. Jonas isn't saying much, not about anything. He's spoken very little since we broke the news. Like always, I repeat Celery's reasons, even though I'm starting to wonder more and more myself. In fact, the longer I think about it, the surer I am that there's more to why he isn't putting up more of a fight about moving than the reasons he's given me. There's something else that's stopping him, and I'm pretty sure I've figured out what it is. I don't say so to Kyle and Jonas though. As usual, my answers don't satisfy Kyle, but after he's ranted for a few more minutes, Jonas stops him. "Just let it go, man. He doesn't understand it anymore than you do, can't you see? You're just hurting him." Not only did I not expect Jonas to pick up on that, I'm even more surprised he'd both notice it and say it right to Kyle's face. Kyle is instantly contrite and quickly voices that. "I'm really sorry, bro, I didn't think." I smile. Sad smiles are my new speciality. After Kyle smiles back, I direct my smile gratefully at Jonas. He returns the smile gently. I don't know about him though, I think he's taking this a lot harder than he's letting us know. It takes a day me before I'm ready to deal with bringing my confusion to Celery. He's been sleeping here every night as you already know, but I found some way to avoid it. It wasn't really all that hard. I just let myself get lost with him down memory lane. But I'm ready to talk about it now. "Cel." He looks up, and smiles. We're in my room. We've given up the couch. We break into tears too much these days. It's funny that that's the thing we're afraid to have people walk in on us during, considering the other stuff we've been cool with, but we've never been what you'd call normal so maybe it really isn't all that strange. "Yeah?" Before this we'd been going through some pictures my dad took of us in grade seven. In every one of those pictures we were touching. I'd been thinking I couldn't believe how small we were. How orange his hat used to be. Silly stuff like that. Trying to put off talking. "Why aren't you fighting this move - really? Not the story you're telling everyone about knowing it would be pointless and not wanting to waste the time. I know what you're like, Celery. You're the guy who believes that you fight for something if it's worth fighting for even if you know you're going to lose. That's the way you play sports, that's the way you live your life. You give 100% to everything, no matter what. It doesn't matter if it's only an exhibition game, or if you know it's not even possible to actually land that trick in a certain line. You're still always the one who wants to try anyway. And I can't think of anything that's more worth fighting for than me and you, so I want to know what's going on. I don't believe you're just like 'okay' with it or something. I know it's hurting you as much as it is me - all of us - but something's holding you back and I need to know what it is." The whole time my voice was that 'on the brink of tears' one you've probably heard on like TV shows or whatever. Except it wasn't acting. My eyes were burning with the tears I refused to let fall. And now I'm looking into his and there's so much pain in them. More than I expected, more than I could have ever prepared myself for. "I just don't want to cause you and your family any more trouble," I'm not hearing this. "You've all done so much for me over the years, giving me this replacement home and family just 'cause mine's not Leave it to Beaver quality. Baby, giving me yourself would have been more than enough for me forever, but you weren't satisfied with that. You had to give me your whole family too. Loving you and being your friend landed me three brothers, a little sister, and better parents than my biological ones could ever hope to be. For all that, I've given you almost nothing. All I've ever been able to offer you is me, and I've done my best to be as good for you as possible, but I still feel like I owe you. I DO think fighting Them would be pointless - and that trying would achieve nothing good. But what it would do is drag all of you through this monster circus I just can't bear to put you through. Not when I know the outcome would be the same no matter what." I don't even know where to start. This is as close as I've ever come to being mad at him. How could he think those things and never tell me about it? How could he go through so much pain and never once share it with me? How could I not notice? "I... I don't even," "I know. I'm sorry. I didn't want to unload all that on you - that's why I've said only what I have. I wasn't lying," he smiles feebly. "Just, you know, not telling the whole truth," that's the only way he can do it, the lying. Only when it's not really quite lying at all. But there are loopholes for everything. 11 years with a very truthful boy hell bent on protecting me from all manner of hurt has certainly taught me that. "It's that you didn't tell me, not WHAT you didn't tell me. You actually believe that shit? That you haven't given me anything?" Desperate times call for foul language. "I know what I've given you. I just don't see it as as much as what you've given me. It isn't." "How could you think that?" "I'm the math guy, the one who looks at facts, who pays attention. I analyze and interpret." He's mocking himself, and I don't like it. So add that to the list. "You make stuff up and allow it to hurt you. I'm practically the founder of that particular corner of the bad feelings market - don't try to hustle me out of my position after I've done so much with it. Made it my own and all." I sigh. "You're so much better at this than me, comes with practice, I guess. I don't know what to say that will prove to you how wrong you are. Telling me would be helpful," I say with mock lightness. "It's not how I feel, it's how it is." "Celery, you're smarter than this. Use that brilliant mind I know you have - use fucking logic for all I care - find the place in your brain that knows this isn't true. It's in there somewhere - I'm sure of it. Just think about all the times we've had together, all the years we've been partners in everything, side by side through it all. How do you think I would have made it through my fucking LIFE if it wasn't for you? How many times have you been there for me? For all the stupid things, and the real things, and the stuff I made up. Think about how many times you got me to calm down when I was freaking out. How many crises have you talked me out of? How many times have I laughed with you? Lighted up just because you were around. How many of my days have you made better just by being there? You don't even have to THINK about that one 'cause I'm going to tell you the answer. It's ALL of them, Celery. There hasn't been a single day I've known you that you haven't brightened. So please stop thinking you're not enough for me - that 'just you' isn't enough for me. You're all I've ever wanted, and you don't disappoint. I first realized I loved you the day I understood that inside you there was everything I'd ever need. I was trying to figure out why I wasn't interested in girls, or other friends, and I looked at you and it was like - you idiot! It was because I already had my complete right in front of me staring me in the face. You satisfy, and overflow. In my eyes you have never, nor will you ever, be found wanting." There's nothing I hate more than those 'waiting for the other person's reaction' silences. There are so many levels on which they suck. This one has a pretty kick ass ending though. He grins. "Oh yeah. You're crap at making me feel better. Really terrible. I should freak out more, you could use the practice," I whoop ('cause, it's the happiest sound I could think of) and fling my arms around him. "I love you, Celery," I say joyfully, kissing him. "And there's never a time I love you more than when I can see you truly know how much." "I love you too, baby, it just makes me really stupid sometimes," I kiss him again. "Yeah, I think you got that from me," he holds me tightly, and almost makes me swoon with the look he gives me. "Never doubt that I love you?" I smile. "Never." The whole situation is explained to Kyle in a manner he's finally able to understand, and though he does sort of snort, and say 'typical' under his breath, it was that good old, loving older brother who often likes to pretend he knows better type of typical, so no one beats him up. I leave Celery to talk with Kyle further, and manage to steer Jonas away so we can talk. "You're not doing so well," I point out, as if he didn't know. "And you are?" I shrug. "No, but, I'm trying to talk about it. Sob like a little girl about it, brood, all that good stuff. You're just sort of nothing. 'And once again, no reaction from the Wheaten camp' - stuff like that." "I guess I'm just not getting it. There's no processing happening, you know? All I know is this isn't supposed to be happening. That like one single thought is just sort of blocking out all the rest. It's this mantra and goes over and over in my head. You and Celery are the anchor, the foundation on which everything I care about is built. If I hadn't met you guys... well, there are just so many things in my life that wouldn't be going right right now if it wasn't for you. I wouldn't have you as friends, I never would have met Kyle, your parents, the kids. I wouldn't have my second home, my second family. I have a good one to start with, but to right away feel totally at home somewhere, that I immediately fit in with this new and mostly very strange group of people, I can't tell you what that did for me." "Sure you can, I can see it. I mean, you're the Zen master 'cause of it." Never with the able to be serious with me. I so totally need to work on that. Jonas doesn't seem to mind much though. Maybe it even relaxed him a little, let's hope. Something good coming out of it would be nice. "Well, yeah. And now, with Celery moving, I feel like it's all slipping away. I didn't want to like go asking for help or whatever, I mean, you're all suffering just as much as I am. Like jeez, no one's hurting as much as you must be, except Celery. So I was just supposed to walk up to you and go - hey, I'm sorry to bother you. I know your soulmate is moving away, but could I cry on your shoulder for a little while about how it's affecting me?" "Damn right! Jonas, the only way I'm going to get through this - and honestly, more than half the time I'm really not sure I will - is by leaning on the people I love. That includes you big time. Giving some of that back should go without saying. That stupid expression should be 'when the going gets tough - the sane get help'. None of that get going shit. What did that ever do for anybody? If we don't all come together and just have one major depressed bond about all this we're all going to crash and burn. In the coming months, I'm going to need you. Kyle's going to need you. I'm just barely clinging to the edge right now, and Celery's still here. He's got this whole 'lets try to be happy for the time we have' philosophy, but really, I'm only still hanging in 'cause he's still around to hang on to. I need to be a little strong for you now, 'cause I know a time's coming where that's just not going to be something I'll be able to offer. Let me help you now so I don't feel so fucking guilty for all the help you're going to do me later." "You're pretty fucking good at this, dude," Jonas says, heavy tears on the way. I smile through the onslaught of mine. "Celery taught me well." Thus begins the majorly depressed bonding fest of the summer of 2002. We all get so close we know it's just going to hurt more when he leaves, but there's no helping that. It may hurt more later, but it's still better this way. Better to be something that often resembles happy now and miserable later than miserable now and much more of the same later. Don't get the idea that it's all one big happy joy fest. Remember the title. Sad and angry and unhappy are big emotions of the time. But there's a lot of good bonding too. I get to love Jonas even more like a brother than ever before, Kyle and I become closer as well. Celery's always with me - sometimes we separate to go to the bathroom - but the intensity of our closeness is just getting higher with every passing day. We're just trying not to think about the badness, mostly, but sometimes it creeps up on me. When that happens, after all the rest of it, the thing I most am is afraid. We're both handling the ever nearing of our impending separation in different ways. I for one (when I'm not existing in complete and utter denial, that is) go along with everything Celery says and suggests. Usually his suggestions are for us to do sort of old-timey-time stuff. You know, stuff like lying on the grass of our backyard having cloud races like we did when we were nine or having rhyme outs like we did, well, almost all our childhood. Occasionally, I've been tempted to ask him if remembering stuff we've already done was what he had in mind when he said he didn't want just a bunch of sad times to remember when he's gone, but I haven't yet. Kyle's a part of a lot of it - which makes sense, 'cause he was also there for a lot of it. Jonas wasn't, but he's a part of us now, so he gets to come along for many of our trips too. You know, our down memory lane trips. Not the drug, hippie, 60's kind. It sort of helps and hurts at the same time, but that can be said for pretty much everything we've been doing. I guess there's just no avoiding the hurt (though I'm trying my hardest). The depressed bonding fest has been good though. That's the bit of good I'd pick out of all this horror so far. Getting closer with Kyle and Jonas. The rest of the family too. The twins have been hanging out with us quite a bit. I don't think they ever fully realized how much they like having Celery around until they heard he was leaving . Even Kara and Sue have been more visible. I'm beginning to suspect Sue is in love with Celery, but she can't have him. He's all mine. Until he moves anyway. Terrific. I'm going to start to cry over here right away. Excuse me. Thanks, I'm better now. Where was I? Oh right... Mostly yes, we've been doing the back in time thing, but, of course, there are a few things we've been doing that we never did back when we were nine. This time, keep those minds firmly planted in the gutter. Like, we're talking about almost savage here. We're definitely having a go at trying to consume each other. It's almost scary sometimes, how great our need for each other is and what we do about it. But I have complete trust in Celery and him in me, so I know scared is something I never have to be when we're in each other's hands. Didn't even mean it quite literally like that, but it works too. It's getting to be around mid August now, and time's beginning to run out. The new school year begins around the 30th, and Doug's still determined to have them moved by then. Celery's been able to spend less time around here with me. I mean, he still sleeps here every night, and is around almost all the day, but he's been having to go over and do packing and stuff more frequently. I go with him most of the time, but sometimes we force ourselves to be apart for a little while. It's supposed to help us get used to it or something, but all it's really doing for me is making me miserable. --- Edited by Ed