Date: Mon, 16 Jun 2003 16:16:27 -0500 From: Karla Schulz Subject: Carrots and Celery Part 2 chapter 18 Hey, thanks to everyone who showed for the chat. I had crazy fun. --- Julie is equal parts confused and concerned. "What did I do?" I debate whether or not to tell her the truth, eventually deciding it's not my place. "It's just personal stuff," she raises her eyebrows, but seems to understand I don't feel comfortable saying anything more. "I guess I should probably go, I didn't mean to cause a big scene, I just wanted to say hello, and it really was nice seeing you again, Carrots, you too Celery, you look great, older," he smiles. "Thanks I guess," she smiles back, in a sad but warm way. "You guys are a beautiful couple, I'll see you around." We're left stunned, watching her leave. "What a fun night, huh?" Celery says, still somewhat shaky. I laugh with matched irony. "Oh yeah. Great fun." I take his hand. "But, you're here, so really with the yeah. They'll work it out - they always do. This is kind of a bad one, but they've had fights before, it's like their way or whatever," he nods. "I guess. I'm still worried," I try to grin. "Worry about how we're getting home, and who's paying for all the milkshakes." He smiles, a mostly sad one this time. "You can never be serious when you're scared, you know that, right? That's how I always know when you're upset," I sigh, with a mostly sad smile of my own. "I know. But I like that you always know," he draws me closer in the booth, and screw the looks we get, I rest my head on his shoulder. "I missed you so much, Celery," I say after a little while of just breathing him in. "I know, baby. I missed you too." "We have to go find them, don't we?" "I think so, they need some time to work this stuff out, but I feel like I need to at least know that's what they're really doing," I sigh. He's right of course. "Okay, let's go. We'll just walk I guess, home first?" He nods. "Yeah, like you never know," we might just get insanely lucky and find them both there. I say nothing instead of my knee-jerk 'sometimes you do' and we get up and pay without further discussion. We sort of speed walk home, and find the Le Baron parked out front. Good or bad sign? Inside, there's too much chaotic clutter to see if Jonas's shoes are there, but we go into the living room quickly. The twins are sprawled on the couch with their friend Brady, watching Much Music and talking. "Hey guys, have you seen Kyle and Jonas?" They all seem rather nervous. "Kyle got here a few minutes ago but he didn't say anything, he just raced up the stairs," Jon informs us, making my insides turn to ice. "I think he might have been crying," Dave adds reluctantly. Brady says nothing, and looks at his hands. I guess it's pretty weird for him. You don't normally see your friend's 19-year-old brother crying and running up the stairs on your average evening over. "Okay, look, we've got to like, go talk to him, but don't worry," I say half of it as I'm already climbing the stairs, with Celery at my heels. Kyle's lying on his side in his bed, with a look of absolute misery on his face. We stand there for a long time before he looks up or in any other way recognizes our presence. His eyes are red, but he's not crying. "You couldn't find him?" I ask gently, sitting down and putting my hand on his back. He struggles to shake his head. "No, but I didn't know where to look. He wasn't home and," he stalls for a second, like his brain is caught on the word, "I didn't know where else to go. We never go anywhere but here and like other places I know he wouldn't be right now," Celery's sitting down now too, and we've each got an arm around Kyle. "It'll be okay. He's just like confused or whatever right now. You know how he can get," Kyle shakes his head somewhat bitterly, eyes closed. "I certainly do. Fuck. Why'd she have to be there?" "Random coincidences can suck hard," I commiserate sadly. "But like, if he would have given me like FIVE seconds, I would have been able to explain. FIVE seconds!" "He'll come around. You know he will. He'll stay all mad and scared for awhile 'cause that's the way he is, but you have to know that's not going to last. It may take him a little while, but Jonas WILL return to his senses. He's not a total moron," Kyle smiles. "Don't let out the insult go on my account," I grin. "Even though he did fall in love with you," finishing my unspoken thought from before. "Do you think I should go looking for him around? It's not like I really scoured the city or whatever," my look to Celery for guidance comes up with a shook head, and that's my thinking too. "You're probably better off just staying here. Like I said, he'll come around, and when he does you want to be here, right?" He nods slowly. "The whole when you're separated from someone stay the hell where you are 'cause eventually they'll come back to the same place looking for you thing?" "Yeah, that one." Celery's slipped his hand into mine across Kyle's back and I smile at him, letting him know I'm handling this okay. "Sorry for like messing up the whole happy reunion." "Don't be. We're together. Whatever we're doing, we'll always be taken care of just 'cause of that. Not that we're not really upset about all this, it's just..." "Nothing could ruin this time for you?" We smile. "Maybe nuclear disaster," I hypothesize. "Or if..." "Don't say it," I cut him off with a grin. Can you believe what that dirty kid was going to say in front of my brother? Shame shame shame. "Thanks for being around," Kyle says, getting all emotional in the sad way again. We sigh and rub his back some more. I'm out of practice with all this. Being the blissfully happy one comforting the one who's uncertain and in pain. "He'll come around," Celery reiterates soothingly. "Yeah," Kyle says, like he knows, but at the same time, doesn't quite believe. "He really loves you, he's just not good at this sort of thing," Kyle sighs, more bitterness seeping in. "He should know how I feel about him, I try to show him. I thought it was working but... obviously I was wrong. Why did he have to run like that?" I shake my head, and am about to say something terrifically comforting like `I don't know' when the doorbell rings. We all straighten and sort of turn our heads. "Door's for you, Kyle!" Jon shouts up the stairs. Celery and I grin. "You guys go," Kyle says, killing our grins pretty quick. "What if it's--" "That's why I want you to answer it. Please. I need a few seconds to get a hold of myself." We look at him worriedly for a second, but then nod. "Okay," I get up, and Celery takes me by the hand. "We'll be back soon," he assures Kyle, who just nods distantly and goes back to lying on his bed, eyes half closed, taking deep breaths. We descend the stairs quickly, but are met with a very unexpected end. Not Jonas. Julie. Standing in her coat, smiling nervously. "Hey, he didn't want to talk to me, huh?" We look at each other uncomfortably for a second before turning back to Julie. "Uh, he just didn't want to answer, period. We didn't know who it was. Why are you here?" Not to be rude or anything. Jeez. Just call me Mr. Smooth. "I wanted to apologize, I never meant to cause a big scene. I came to tell him I'm sorry - I feel really bad," I suddenly realize standing in the hallway of our house is a very bad place for Julie to be right now. The last thing we need is for Jonas to show up only to find her here and then get freaked all over again. "Now's really not a good time for that. Trust me - if you want to make it up to Kyle in some way - leave. You can come back later or something but right now you could really help by just not being here," I try to use a tone that softens the blow, but I'm not sure if it works or not. She sighs. "What happened? Why did that boy Jonas get so upset?" More shared looks of discomfort between Celery and myself. "It's hard to explain, and personal, private," Celery says, also trying to keep his tone gentle. She stands with her brow scrunched for awhile until suddenly this look of comprehension dawns on her face and her eyes widen. "Kyle's not INVOLVED with that boy, is he?" she practically gasps. Celery and I just stand there locked in a moment of total uncertainty and speechlessness. "I'm not a fucking `boy' - and yes, he is. Gotta problem with that?" I don't know about you, but I think that may have been his best moment breaker yet. And talk about stealth. I didn't even hear the door shut. Or, open for that matter. "Goodness!" Julie exclaims, spinning around. "You surprised me," Jonas shrugs indifferently. "Life's full of surprises." His expression changes when he turns his attention to me and Celery. "Look, guys, I'll be repentant guilty guy later, but right now I just really need to talk to Kyle," Celery nods, and I try not to grin. I was afraid it'd take him a lot longer than this. "Sure, he's upstairs," I direct him. Jonas nods, sort of `soldier off to the front' esque and then mounts the stairs. Julie's eyes follow him up in a look of disbelief. "I don't understand how Kyle could do this." "What - to you?" I say with scorn. "Oh no. Not to me. To that poor boy." "His name is Jonas, and he isn't a boy," I repeat what Jonas said to her with as much malice as he had. "He couldn't be more than 14!" Ohhhhhh! I get it. Of course. She thinks Kyle's cradle robbing. It all makes sense now. "No no, he's 17," she raises her eyebrows. "17?" I nod firmly. "He looks so young," "Well kind of, but he really is 17. Just short and stuff," plus, okay, he has a baby face. But, whadda ya gonna do? Julie's shaking her head, still trying to process it all. "You were right, I really should go. Tell Kyle that I'm sorry, would you? And Jonas too?" I nod. She closes her eyes momentarily. "This is all a little much right now. I won't tell anyone though," I nod again, gratefully. "Don't feel too bad," Celery says, ever the gentle one. She smiles in a tired way. "I'm just confused. Is he happy?" We both nod. "Then that's enough. Sorry again. Good night, you guys." We say goodnight, and she leaves. We look at each other for a long time, for a million different reasons. But mainly just to be looking, taking each other in. Every moment with him is precious to me. It's what I try to convey during that long look, and it's what he sends me back. The moment ends with a soft brush of lips. Nothing is said. We go into the living room and sit down on the couch, holding each other tightly. Brady and the twins are nowhere to be found. They probably slipped out the back over to Brady's to avoid all the drama. About an hour later, Jonas walks down the stairs alone, worn out and red eyed. "What happened?" I ask, not really believing Kyle's not with him, that they didn't work it out. It was just a simple misunderstanding, right? He sighs. "We talked. It's better, but there are still things to be worked out. It wasn't Julie, really. She just triggered it, the other stuff. Kyle was great, as usual, and I expect things will be all the way back to okay soon, but not yet." "What's the other stuff?" He shakes his head, sitting down. "It's just sometimes I'm so afraid. Afraid we'll end up... well - like everyone ends up. Hopelessly in love and yet somehow unable to convert that into something that lasts. And I wonder, I mean how many people actually get to be happy in this world? True love and happiness have got to be two of the rarest things going. Knowing that, just think about it. If not many people in the whole WORLD get it - how many people in one single family are going to end up sublimely happy? Not many, right? It's just odds, isn't it? So, there's you," he says, looking directly at me. "And you have Celery, and you're sublimely happy, so does that mean Kyle as your brother can't be? Simple probability wise?" Let me finish thinking of all the ways that's stupid and then I'll start yelling at you. "First of all, I think your whole probability, not many people get to be happy, theory is seriously flawed. It's up to every individual person to be happy, a lot of the time, it's actually a conscious decision. I don't believe in fate or even random odds when it comes to happiness. I don't think that's the way it works. I'm not entirely sure how it DOES work, but I know it's not like that." "As for being sublimely happy, I'd say that yes, I am. We are. When I'm not freaking out about nothing, or worrying for no reason. When Celery's not afraid he'll lose me either by loving me too much or not being with me enough. When the people who hate us because we' re gay aren't trying to destroy what we have. When our personal doubts and fears aren't getting the better of us as then often do. When we're not missing each other so much we both want to die. " "Jonas, everyone is scared, usually that's the case most of the time. The only way out of that is to trust someone enough that you can reach a place with them that when they're around, you know you have no reason to be afraid. That doesn't mean that no matter what when you're with them you never are - just that you know you don' t have to be. Fear is okay if you know how to deal with it, if you know where to go and who you can depend on when you are. You don' t have to be perfect and neither does Kyle for what you have to last - but you do have to trust each other." Celery gives my shoulder a squeeze, like he's telling me good job. I turn slightly to smile at him gratefully. I hope somewhere in my rambles there was something Jonas needs and can use. "Should I go back up?" Jonas says after what felt like an eternity. I look up at him, confused. "Why?" He grins. "To tell him I understand now? That I get it, that I love him more than anything and I'm finally okay with it?" I almost laugh out loud, and Celery's eyes sparkle a beautiful blue. "Might be an idea, man," Celery tells him, a voice full of laughter. Jonas springs up like a man with a mission. A good mission this time. Then he pauses, looking at me thoughtfully. "When did you figure it out?" I do laugh then. "It was your fault - so it's only fair I paid you back. Back in September when you first started kicking my ass about being happy again, that's when it started. Then after Thanksgiving, I knew what I had to start to do. It's easier to be afraid and angry, to hide yourself in depression, sarcasm, or cynicism, but that's not really even being alive. Happiness is the big risk, but even if you don' t always succeed, no matter how much it hurts, trying is always worth it." "Me huh? That's understandable. And you're welcome," I laugh again, louder, rolling my eyes. Jonas is back in form. "Go," he grins. "Also, thank-you," that said, he turns and runs for the stairs. "You're amazing," Celery tells me after the sounds of Jonas's footsteps have died out. I smile at him tenderly. "I am all that I am because I have your love." "What a nice thing to say," he teases, leaning in to kiss me. "What's nicer is that I mean it," I tease back, tilting my head slightly out of reach, quoting a line he used on me so many months ago. It's good to remember those times, our past, roots. Whatever. "I love you." "I love you too," I reply. He leans in again. I don't evade his lips any longer. Later, when Jonas comes down the second time, Kyle is with him. They're pretty well attached, and wearing dopey grins. "Thanks, bro," Kyle says to me right off. I shrug. "Payback," he nods and they join us on the couch. I'm half on Celery and Jonas sits on Kyle, so there's plenty of room. Jonas and I share a quick look of `god we're such the girls' and then snuggle down on our boyfriends. The peaceful mood is eventually broken with Kyle asking this question: "Okay, enough of this drama shit, we've got to make this the most kick ass time ever, what's the plan for the next two weeks?" "A lot more of this," I answer Kyle, cuddling closer against Celery. I might start to purr in a second. Jonas is about the same. Kyle laughs. "Yeah, come to think of it that sounds like my kind of plan." Understandably exhausted by the evening's events, curled up in Kyle' s arms, Jonas is asleep in no time. Absently, Kyle begins petting his hair. "When I heard him coming up the second time, I didn't know what to think. I was half-sure he was going to blow up at me or something, but then when I saw the look on his face... I really meant that, thank-you, Care. You really got us through this one," I try to smile modestly, 'cause that's honestly how I feel about this whole thing. "It was just payback, man. When I think of the stuff you've done for me over the years - what else was I supposed to do? Like, you' re the one who got me to talk to Celery in the first place all those months ago, pretty much getting us together. Which is something I don't think either of us could ever repay you for," Celery nods heartily in agreement. "Add to that all the years of just being around looking out for me, the countless times you've helped me calm down about stuff, especially right at the beginning of our relationship, the way you and Jonas held me together after Celery moved... dude, the list goes on. But, okay, I didn't try to help 'cause I felt like it was my duty as someone in your debt. I did it 'cause I love you and Jonas and I want for you to be happy. I' m just glad it worked," Kyle beams down at Jonas. "Me too." We sit around talking for another hour or so, just doing more catching up and generally having a good time. It's a good time Jonas sleeps through, but that's okay. There'll be plenty of time for him, and besides, I think he needed the break. More so emotionally than physically, probably. When the twins get home around 12 Kyle decides it's time to hit the sack. "Good night, bros," we mirror his statement and then watch as he stands, gently lifting Jonas up with him. "You're going to carry him all the way up to your room?" I ask, shaking my head. Kyle grins. "He's not very heavy," I see Jonas's eyes flicker, and the touch of a smirk, but choose to keep it to myself. Let Kyle carry him. In fact, a ride doesn't sound like such a bad idea. I turn my eyes hopefully to Celery. He laughs. "No chance, baby." I pout, but to no avail. "I can't believe you don't love me enough to carry me up the stairs - Kyle's doing it for Jonas," he's already in the process of it actually. Gone, probably halfway up by now. He rolls his eyes, totally void of sympathy. "If you don't know how much I love you by now, my carrying you up the stairs or not isn't going to change anything. Now come on, I' ve been dreaming of falling asleep with you in my arms ever since before the last time it happened, chop-chop," I raise my eyes brows at him. "Uh, chop-chop?" "Make fun of me once we're in bed, okay?" I have to smile at his exhausted eagerness. I reach over to touch his face with the back of my fingers. "Sure you don't want to carry me?" He gives no verbal response, but in one fluid motion he grips me tightly and hoists us up, taking me fully by surprise. I hold onto his neck tightly, trying not to laugh. "My hero," I swoon, throwing my head back dramatically. He pinches my leg. "One more word and I'll drop you on that smart ass of yours." Grinning but silent, I allow Celery to carry me up the stairs and into my room, where I am lovingly deposited onto my bed. He's quick to join me. With each other's help, we're soon both down to our boxers, lying facing each other on our sides, soaking up the moment for everything it's worth. It's like my every sense is alive to this moment, absorbing every detail of him. The other stuff was wonderful, but this is what I've been waiting for since the second he got off that plane - since way before that actually. "I love you so much," I kiss him. "I love you too, always." So much for the boxers. --- Edited by Ed