Date: Wed, 21 May 2003 20:14:17 -0500 From: Karla Schulz Subject: Carrots and Celery Part Two Chapter Eleven Okay, first of all, sorry to anyone I freaked out with my last message. I was just in a stupid mood, but I realize it might have made me sound, as my friend Ryan put it, 'like someone who spends all day thinking of ways to kill themselves.' But I'm really fine, so if you were worried, don't. And if you expressed concern, thank you. That was really sweet. Now, enjoy the chapter. I hope. Because it'll make me happy and proud if you do. --- A few more days go by. I've got both of them coming to me now, lying on my bed, staring up at those glow in the dark stars on my ceiling, waving their hands around idly as they verbally explore their feelings. It's hard to say how they're coming along. They're still both saying, "I think I love him" which I'm not really thinking is a forward step, and they still either laugh or yell whenever I suggest to one that he open up to the other. Kyle's torn up the most though, I think. Not only is he worried about his sudden feelings of gay love for his allegedly straight best friend, guilt is eating him up. The weird distantness of Jonas hasn't let up, and Kyle convinces himself more and more everyday that he did something terrible to Jonas that he can't remember. I can't seem to talk him out of that, or into talking to Jonas. Celery still assures me I'm making good progress, but it doesn't really feel like it. "How are you otherwise, baby?" It's been nearly a month since the night of the party, a little less than three since Halloween, and in case you didn't notice that there's only one person in the world who calls me baby, I'm talking on the phone with Celery. If you're looking for exact days of the week, it's Tuesday. "There really is no otherwise for me right now. This is my life. I go to school, I eat, if I'm lucky there's sleep involved at some point during the day, I miss you constantly, and I try to counsel Jonas and Kyle. This usually does not work." My breathing starts getting ragged as I try not to cry. I'm getting seriously sick of all the crying. "I'm falling apart over here, sweet one. Things were just starting to get on track again and now everything's all messed up but I don't know what to do!" "For one thing, it's not your responsibility to solve Jonas and Kyle's relationship problems. For another thing, things aren't really all that messed up," like hell, "I know how confusing it must be over there right now, but that will pass. One way or the other. Baby, I really do think the hard part's over. You've like rounded the curve or whatever. Think about how they've been acting. What does that remind you of? Just before we finally talked, what was going on? What were you feeling? There was that sense of something building up inside, and you knew that pretty soon it was going to get to a point where everything was gonna boil over, no matter what, right? That's where I think Kyle and Jonas are at right now." He may be right. "Maybe." "Don't become pessimism boy now! Home stretch, remember! And if that doesn't brighten your day, I'm coming in just over a month!" That's enough to cheer me up from anything. I love the feeling I get thinking about him coming. Not that kind of feeling, gutter brain. Well okay, there's some of that too, but I'm talking about the warm, deliciously anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. "I know. I'm even doing the crossing off days on my calendar thing. I swear, making an X on my calendar is the highlight of my day." "What about chatting or talking to me?" One thing I'll say for the phone, it certainly lends more to the joking and teasing inflections end of things. "Yeah, well, after that." "Feeling a little better?" Master topic changer, my guy. "Yes, thank-you. Another expertly manoeuvred freak-out stoppage." "I live to serve." "And thank heavens for that." "Damn. Baby, we're up," I look at the clock. Up and over. Boo. "Okay. As always, hearing your voice has been enough to make me cry, I love you, and I can't wait to see you in 31 days and 13 hours," "Don't forget 17 minutes!" he chirps. "We're pathetic." I laugh. "And you wouldn't change a thing. Love you!" "Bye." It's the Saturday of that same week, and we've been trying to watch Mall Rats, but it's getting ridiculous. I'm in the middle with Jonas on my right and Kyle on my left and they keep taking longing sideways glances at each other behind my neck when the other one isn't looking. I've had about all I can stand. So I jump off the couch, throw my arm into the air and shout, "That's IT! I can't take it anymore!" They both stare at me, stunned. "Take what?" Jonas asks almost timidly. I glare. "Oh, you know," they're both starting to look frightened, each thinking I'm talking about only him. I sigh heavily and sit down on the floor facing them. Without my asking, Kyle stops the movie. "I've tried to get you guys to talk to each other alone, I've been trying for like a month now. It's not working. So we're going to talk now, together. You both have things you need to say to each other, and if I have to sit here and make sure that you do, then so be it. I'm not going to do it for you, but no one's going anywhere until we've sorted some things out. Got it?" They glance nervously at each other before looking back at me. Nobody's talking. "I'll give you a topic. The party, you both got drunk - discuss." Jonas pulls off a smile at my coffee talk reference, but Kyle's frozen. I'm praying he'll look deeper into Jonas and see the love there. That he'll somehow be able to recognize it's for him. "I really don't remember what happened," Kyle says, surprising me by speaking first. "But I know it must have been pretty bad, with the way you've been acting," he looks again over at Jonas. "I can only say I'm sorry, even though I don't know what I did to you. I don't know if I said something to you, or did something, but I know I hurt you and I'm sorrier than I can say for that. The way you've like wilted since it happened, I can't even imagine what it was. You're my best friend, I... I've never had a friend like you and that fact that I did something to fuck that up will haunt me for the rest of my life." Jonas's eyes are filling up with tears, I don't think he can believe what he's just heard anymore than I can. How did Kyle get this so wrong? "Kyle," Jonas's voice is thick and tearful. "You didn't hurt me, that's not what happened. We fought, but that's not why I've been acting strangely." "Then what is it?" I'm not sure he'll actually be able to say it. But I wait, hoping he will. "We, we fought, and well after we, we um, kissed." "Oh god, Jonas! I am SO sorry," he's paler than I've ever seen. To Kyle, this clearly is worse than anything he'd been able to come up with on his own. Jonas makes like a sad 'hunh' sound, like you can hear the sound of his heart breaking a little. "Please don't be. I'm not. The only thing I'm sorry about is that I don't remember it better." Here's me, being in awe of Jonas. And here's Kyle, being speechless with his mouth hanging open. No words are coming out of that guy any time soon. What he does instead is better. He moves across the couch, and with hesitant, awkward, and yet at the same time, tenderly loving arms, Kyle envelops Jonas. I suddenly find myself thinking this isn't a moment I'm meant to see, but at the same time I'm swelling with pride for my part in making it come to be. If one of them doesn't start to cry soon, I'm gonna. I've never been so happy for my brothers, or so proud to love them. "God, Kyle," Jonas sobs softly, hugging him desperately close. "I love you." I slip quietly out of the room. When I go back down about an hour later, they're still holding each other, talking. I sneak away from the doorway, not looking anymore, but I can't help but listen. "I just can't believe how stupid we were!" "I can," Jonas replies laughingly. I peek in again for a second. Kyle's gently smoothing out Jonas's dreads, and seems mesmerised by him. "All this time Carrots was trying to get me to understand, but I wouldn't let myself see it. Man. I finally get why it was so hard for him to talk to Celery. I just thought he was being an idiot," love you too, Kyle, "but it's so much harder than it looks." "You're telling me." "Like, I mean, it was so hard, all the time," Jonas laughs. Kyle joins in. "Dude, I didn't mean it like that." "Yeah, I know. But we're going to have to talk about that too. I mean, this is going to be considerably different than what we're used to." "Tell me about it." Jonas must have heard the same fear creeping into Kyle's voice that I did. "Are you really going to be able to do this, Kyle?" Jonas asks seriously. " 'Cause I know I love you. I've never thought about myself as gay, but, I want to be with you - in all the ways. If you can't tell me the same thing, you have to tell me now. Don't let me hope for something you can't give me," they must not have started talking much long ago. I get that though. It's a lot to take in, the love thing. I know I should go, but damnit, what if Kyle does something stupid? Someone's got to make sure he doesn't make it out the door. I hear a sigh, Kyle. "It's going to take some getting used to, and I can't promise you there won't be moments of extreme weirdness - but I don't think you can promise me that either. What I can say," he clears his throat nervously, "is that I love you. And I want to be with you too. Jonas, without a doubt, I'm IN love with you. It took me by surprise, but I don't know why. From the first time we met I knew there was something special about you. Something that made you fit with me. Why do you think I stopped going to parties or whatever else with that whole university crowd and started hanging out with guys all the time? Last year was really weird for me at first, I felt lost so much of the time. University and everything else - it was like my life was changing but I didn't know what into. I was just starting to try to reconnect with Carrots when he and Celery got together and then suddenly there you were. This lippy friend of my brothers. Except - I never saw you like that. I tried, maybe 'cause I felt something that scared me, but I always knew you were different. That you were my way back into the life I was supposed to have. Jeez, that sounds awful! I don't mean I was using you, just, you were the thing with a strong enough pull to bring me back, you know? Maybe I loved you from the very start. I just never thought about it like that, 'cause I was always so sure I was straight. Who knows, maybe I am. But I love you. I think you're beautiful, and," major pause. Way nervous laugh. "Really, um, hot. You turn me on, every part of who you are and how you look. You're a guy, I know, I also don't care. It took me long enough, but I really don't. Hey, I'll probably even get to like it." That's the infamous Vasskez brother a little too much serious emotion in the mix let's end with a joke pattern delta gamma. Couldn't have done it better myself. Still, I don't have to see his face to know how overwhelmed Jonas must be. "Thank-you, Kyle," Jonas whispers. I force myself to leave them to their moment once more. It's already late by then. I end up not talking to them again for the rest of the day. I kept my distance, letting them do their thing. I knew there were a million things for them to sort out that I didn't need to be a part of. When I wake up Sunday morning, it's absurdly early. Like seven o' clock early. I throw on a sweater, grab an extra blanket and take a second to microwave myself a cup of hot chocolate before slipping outside. Fall is my favourite season, and this is my favourite kind of fall day. Even though it's November, we still don't have any snow. Pretty rare in Manitoba. Anyway, it's a beautiful day. Cool without being freezing cold, the air is crisp. I love leaves. I like the reds best, but we just have elms on our street, so it's mostly yellow and orange. That's okay though. Celery always used to tease me about my "leaf fetish" as he called it. This was years before we got together. We've always walked to school together - duh - and I'm not sure exactly when, but some fall he noticed the way I would walk, going out of my way so I could step in leaves. I can't help it. I love the crunching. I always feel better when I'm walking through leaves. Like it transports me back to simpler times I've never even had. I mean, this is something I did when I was 7. What idyllic youth was I trying to recapture then? My pre-school glory days? You get the picture. Hopefully. I never know with you. You're not really all that bright sometimes, has anyone ever told you that? Other than me I mean. But anyway. I was talking about fall. It's an underrated season. I don't go for all the summer hype. Summer's gross. Fall is perfect. Not too hot, not too cold, you can do everything in the fall. Okay, you can't swim outside, and I guess there's no snow, but you can be outside for as long as you want and you won't get too hot or cold, and if you're Celery, you can skate for hours. I love the FEEL of fall. Only other people who like fall will probably get what I mean, so I'm not going to bother trying to explain it. There's like, something in the air or whatever. Today, as I previously mentioned, is my ideal fall day. It's cool, maybe even cold, but nowhere near freezing, a bit windy, even from the steps I can see the leaves are crisp. I'm liable to do something really silly and kiddish like make a pile to jump in pretty soon if something doesn't happen. You know, like... JEEZ! How 'bout Jonas sneaking up on me from behind? It's a good thing I'd already finished my hot chocolate, or I would have spilled it all over myself. Give me a second to catch my breath. "What the hell, Jonas?" He smiles. "Sorry. I thought I was being pretty loud." "I was kind of lost in thought." "Ahh." Our porch isn't all that big. We don't have like a deck or anything. But three or four people could sit comfortably on one step. Jonas is standing on the uppermost step, rubbing his arms in an attempt to warm himself up, cheeks already starting to get rosy. Since things started to get cooler I've noticed Jonas and cold weather really don't get along, and he's only wearing a thin coat over his pyjamas anyway. Actually they're more of Kyle's spares. Hmm. I offer him some of my blanket. He dives under quickly. "We can go inside if you want." "No, that's okay." "Are you?" He turns from the street and looks at me directly. His face is total bliss. "I've never been better in my entire life." "Is that so," I say humorously. He just sighs. "Yeah. He loves me, Carrots. He actually loves me," I laugh. "I tried to tell you, dude," he grins. "I know. I was stupid - so was he. That means we deserve each other, right?" He's positively gleeful. I simply nod. "I think it does." We just sit for awhile, thinking. Jonas is radiating joy and love. It's a nice thing to be around. It's a wonderful thing to know my brother (I don't mean Kyle, but, him too) is feeling. "I have to thank you, Carrots," Jonas says, breaking the moment. What can I tell you? The guy's a moment breaker. But he always does it right. "For what?" "Don't even try the modest routine with me, droogie. You know what you did. If it weren't for you we'd both still be lying to each other now. Probably to ourselves as well for that matter." "Maybe. You would have figured it out eventually." "On our own? By then it would probably have been too late." "I'm just happy to have helped." "I want to apologize too." "Why?" " 'Cause I've been really self involved lately. You've been so great and supportive, all this time, but I know you must still be hurting over Celery. It's like I sort of forgot about that with all my own shit. I neglected you." I HAVE to laugh at that. "You're trying to apologize for being a less than stellar friend? YOU? Don't even go there. Man, you and Kyle SAVED me. I never would have like made it to this day without you guys. I would have disappeared into darkness, into the hole Celery's absence left in me - if it hadn't been for you and Kyle. I'M the one would be apologising. I was such a rotten prick to you guys up until Thanksgiving. You were already dealing with this stuff, plus trying to help me, and I barely even noticed. And WHEN I noticed, I didn't throw you any bones. It even made me mad a lot of the time. There I was wanting to stew in my misery and you guys kept not letting me. So, I'm the idiot here, okay?" Jonas smiles. "Forgiveness all around and let's forget about it?" I nod. "Sounds okay to me." "I want to tell you that I love you, Carrots. When you told me that morning after my drunken hurling in your bathroom, it really meant a lot to me. More than a lot. Then later I realized I never said anything back, and felt like a total bastard. Well, I'm saying it now. Sorry for the lateness. I love you a lot. You really are my brother from another mother, no kidding around. And I don't know for sure if I'm going to be able to swing it, but I hope someday you'll be my brother-in-law as well." The hug instead of responding in words thing has done very well this season, so I decide to get with the times. We're still hugging when Kyle joins us. "Tart," he scolds, shaking his head. Jonas lets go and immediately lights up like a Christmas tree. I think it's the combination of embarrassment and being happy to see him. They don't say 'ain't love grand' for nothing I guess. "Hi," he says. Kyle smiles. "Hi." They're SO cute. They totally don't know what to do. I can tell they want to like hug or something, but that they're both all shy and stuff. Awww! Kyle shyly takes a seat beside Jonas and then after a minute or two - though to them I'm sure it felt more like forever - he puts his hand cautiously on Jonas's knee, moving it down his calf until he's sort of hugging his leg. Over the blanket, but still. Jonas responds to this almost instantly, snuggling against Kyle, resting his head on Kyle's shoulder. It takes them a few seconds to get used to it, but then they settle into each other, serene smiles on their faces. They're so beautiful together. For one thing, Jonas is a LOT better looking than he thinks he is. In my opinion this is especially true for when he isn't wearing his array of contacts, like now. I'd like to see him with his natural hair colour too. But I'd love that disorderly mop of dreads any colour. As for Kyle, the fact that he's my brother doesn't prevent me from recognizing that he's tremendously good looking. It's his family resemblance to me, you understand. They match well. It's another case of light and dark. My hair and eyes may not be able to make up their minds, but Kyle's know exactly what they are. His dark, sometimes broody, eyes are the colour of really creamy milk chocolate or coffee with a bunch of milks in it. His hair has that same, deep rich tone. He's taller than me, by maybe an inch, and more muscular. Not weight lifter big, or even like Celery (whose muscles are very like stretched and not very showy) but Kyle's strong. Less of my lank, more solid. If he wasn' t my brother, I'm sure I'd think he was totally hot. I DO think Jonas is hot. He looks nothing like the Hollywood conception of what male beauty should be, but Jonas is a sensation. A little, short, bleached blond sensation. I'm sure Kyle convinced himself it was only Jonas's personality that drew him so strongly, but I know better. Hopefully now Kyle does too. I'm sure he's not totally used to it yet, but at least he's acknowledging it. We sit together on the steps in a truly loving and peaceful silence that goes on for maybe an hour. Just watching the street wake up, enjoying the cool fall breeze, each others' company. Don't even start about how corny that is. You don't think I know? Well guess what. It's also true. So who the hell cares if it's corny? I say take joy when you can get it and never mind the rest of it. Someone has to break the moment, and fittingly, Jonas is the one to do it. His stomach really. And the growling. Kyle's smile is instant. I know that look. It's the `everything you do is so impossibly cute and wonderful' look. I've felt it on myself and seen it on Celery a million times. Now I'm seeing it on my brother. There's nothing more I could hope for him, except what he's getting right now, which is that same look right back. Here's another thing I've noticed after watching them for give or take an hour. You can just tell they haven't kissed yet by the way they're always staring at each other's lips in this half hungry, half-terrified way. It'll take them awhile to get to that level of comfort and confidence, but what they're doing is good for now. I mean, they're not flinching at each other's touch or anything, and there has been serious touch action going on. The shy, timid kind, but you can so totally see the love there. I'm not kidding. "Food?" "Yeah, we can be the good children and set up brunch for everybody. Kyle, Jonas, you guys can even go to the bakery and pick up our order. I'll be table setting guy," they grin. "Okay!" Try not to sound eager there, Jonas, we don't want him to think you're easy or something. "Great idea, Carrots." Fine, then be that way. Two silly peas in a pod. Definitely they deserve each other. "See you in little while!" Jonas calls from half way down the driveway as Kyle pulls him gently but excitedly away. "Bye," I wave. Newlyweds are so cute. What with all the delight in each other's company and discovery and all. Uh-oh. Feeling a little bit of self-pity coming on. Me and Celery are still like that. I wanna be rushing off with him in the Le Baron to pick up baked goods on a cool fall morning. Phooey. No, wait - it's passing. And back comes the happiness for Jonas and Kyle. That was a close call. And much boo-ness, I' m pretty sure it's not going to be the last one. Oh well, no thinking about that now. I've got tables to set, best friends and brothers' happiness to bask in. CRAP! Parents and family to tell. Oh man. I do NOT think they've thought of that. Phew. This is going to be one interesting Sunday brunch. I think it could be one of our best. (You're going to learn to pick on my sarcasm one of these days, right?) --- Edited by Ed.