Date: Mon, 19 May 2003 20:31:29 -0500 From: Karla Schulz Subject: Carrots and Celery Part two Chapter 10 I'm tired. And I feel weird. I can't think of anything to say. Just read the chapter. Maybe enjoy it. I don't know. --- "So, I mean, what are you, like, how do you feel about him?" I'm real eloquent when I want to be, eh? He meets me with naked eyes. He stares for a long time, and then lets out a ragged laugh. "Oh fuck." "What?" "I think I might be in love with him." "Thank-god!" "KYLE!" Jonas is frantic, my heart is racing a mile a second. "God, are you okay?" He rushes towards Jonas, this desperate, panicked look on his face. "I was so afraid I left you there! I woke up and I couldn't remember how I got home and you weren't on the couch. Oh Jonas, god, I'm SO sorry." He's practically ready to start to cry. Jonas, is, to say the least, surprised. You can add confused to that as well. I'm pretty sure Kyle didn't hear what he said though. "It's, I mean, don't worry about it," he says in a vague, distant, still very confused, tone. Kyle's down on the floor with us now. He's still wearing his rumpled clothes from last night just like Jonas. He runs his hand through his hair and laughs nervously. "Jeez. What the hell happened to us last night?" Jonas's eyes widen to like triple their normal size. "You don't remember?" "Not really. Like, I know we were at a party." He looks at Jonas, sort of squinting. "Did we have a fight?" "Uh, sort of," Jonas admits uncomfortably. "What about?" I don't think this is an act. I really hope it's not at least. It doesn't sound like one. "It's not important," Man. Me and Kyle are just SURROUNDED by these selfless types who just can't get enough `sparing us' the hard details. "Was it my fault?" Kyle asks, ready to be apologetic. Jonas shrugs. "Not really. It was stupid, and we were both drunk. We can just forget about it." "Are you really okay?" Kyle asks, touching Jonas's knee, looking tenderly concerned. I don't know how he manages it, but Jonas nods. Kyle smiles. "Good. You have no idea how crazed I was when I thought I'd left you at some fucking keg party. Even though you're okay, I still feel like the world's biggest idiot and think you deserve to get to call me that a few times. Punching optional" When did Kyle get to be so sweet and cute? Jonas melts. Damn. It IS obvious. Is this what me and Celery were (are!) like? "That's okay, well, I guess you are sort of an asshole," Kyle's mouth opens all shocked. "I said idiot! Not asshole, jerk." They do a little gentle hitting awhile before settling down. "I really need a shower," Kyle announces suddenly. Jonas sniffs deeply. He pretends to faint. It's an old joke, but some jokes just get better with age. Kyle laughs, anyway. "I'll take that as a hell yes and go to it then. Unless you want to take one first?" Jonas shakes his head no. "Okay then. Try not to miss me too much." Once Kyle's safely under the water of the shower, Jonas rolls onto his side and moans. "What am I going to do? He doesn't even remember," I start rubbing his back. "You should still talk to him." "No. It's better this way." "What the hell are you talking about? Like - who do you think you' re talking to here? Hello! Secretly in love with his best friend for years guy over here! Trust me, the keeping it to yourself thing is HIGHLY overrated." "Yeah, maybe for you. Celery's always been totally in love with you." "I didn't know that!" "Sure you did. You were just too chicken to do something about it." "Yeah, Jonas. And that's NOTHING like what's going on with you." "He's STRAIGHT!" "So are you!" "Apparently not." "My point exactly." It's kind of a realization hitting you like a ton of bricks moment. Hope flickers briefly in Jonas's eyes, but then it dies. "I don't think so. And even if maybe he liked me too, think about it. Us, dating? It would be so weird. I mean, we're friends." I roll my eyes. "Jonas! Listen to yourself! What do you think me and Celery were for the first 10 years we knew each other? Uh, could it be FRIENDS? Come to think of it, yeah, I think that's what it was." I admit it, I'm not very good at the sensitive friend guy thing. This is like, Karma. I just know it. All those times Kyle yelled at me, TRYING desperately to drive some sense into me and hitting a giant wall of completely insane resistance - now I finally know how he felt. It's not very fun. "It's not the same thing." "How?" "Well, for lots of reasons. Just to name one: Kyle's dated LOTS of girls, I've dated some myself. We both like, we like GIRLS. You never did. It was the most obvious thing in the world that Celery didn't either. I DO. Kyle DOES. It's not in my mind." "So he likes girls, that doesn't mean he can't like you too." "Right. Whatever. I'm aware of the concept of bisexuality. I just don't think that's what Kyle is. Maybe it's not what I am either. I don't know." "Are you in love with him or not?" I ask it as gently as possible. "I think I am, I don't know," the mantra of the hour. "Well then, take some time. But you have some serious thinking to do. And just remember I'm here, okay? I really HAVE been there, you know? Your pain is my pain." Jonas smiles, it almost passes for something that isn't sad or painful. "Thanks, I'll try. But like, REALLY. Thanks. I'd be so much more crazy right now if I hadn't had you to talk to." "Glad to be of service." Over the next couple of days Jonas is distant and reserved. He still comes over after school (something we've been doing again since after Thanksgiving) but it's all very `there in body but not in spirit'. On Wednesday night, Kyle storms into my room anxiously demanding to know what's going on. "I know something's bothering him and I know it has to do with what happened when we were at that stupid party. Can't you please tell me what's the matter?" He's into begging by this point. I sigh. "You really need to talk to Jonas about this." It's all I feel at liberty to say. Plus, he does. "Carrots, I," he chokes out. "If I did something to hurt him you have to tell me. Please. I couldn't live with myself if I'd hurt Jonas. He's--" He just stops, this horrible look of pain and agony on his face. "Your best friend?" I suggest. "Yeah," Kyle says, mind somewhere else. I'm taking a wild guess and saying it's probably with Jonas. I don't know else to do. I'm not any good at this. I need Celery. He'd know what to do. Kyle just sort of drifts out of my room and I'm still too clueless about all this to stop him. I immediately fire up the old computer. MSN's our newest thing. We chat for hours sometimes. Almost as good as talking. But know this, we never use any of that lame internet shorthand. We're way too cool for that. There is in my opinion nothing more annoying than using one letter or number for a whole word, or, what's worse, doing away with letters entirely and replacing words with symbols. So lame. It's good though. The MSN and e-mail. So good that we don' t even do the everyday phone calls all the time anymore. What we sometimes do instead is save up our minutes and then have like a marathon talk one night a week or something. It's less draining and having more time gives us longer to get some real quality talking and connecting done. Though, really, most of the time we end up talking everyday anyway. I mean, all that sounds good in theory, but the hearing each other's voice thing is still pretty much vital. The daily talks though, they're rarely more than 'I love you' and maybe 'good night' or something. Just enough to hear each other, and still saving lots of time for a big mother conversation later. I haven't told him anything about Jonas or Kyle yet though, even though we've been e-mailing and stuff everyday since it happened. I send him an e-mail, simply saying `we need to talk - soon' and fortunately for my poor addled brain he MSN's me back in a manner of minutes. You can just follow along. Celery: Phone? Carrots: No, I don't really know what to say yet, and all the shocked silences would eat up too many of our minutes. Celery: Shocked silences? Carrots: yeah. Celery: So fill me in. Carrots: this is harder than I thought, and I knew it was going to be pretty hard. I don't know how to put this... Celery: Is it about Jonas and Kyle? Carrots: WHAT?! How'd you know that? Celery: Baby! It's me! They were acting totally weird at Thanksgiving, and the past few days you've been talking about everything BUT Kyle and Jonas, so... I just put two and two together. Carrots: Okay, smart boy. What do you think it is about them? Celery: Well, the love that dare not speak its name. What else? Carrots: Shit! Celery: I don't know why you're so surprised, baby. Me neither. Carrots: Yeah, but like, it was right in front of me and I didn't have it figured out. Celery: Don't feel too bad. I only noticed it that weekend, and probably only because I HADN'T been around them for awhile. The same way Kyle busted you. Carrots: Oh. Celery: So, how did you figure it out anyway? Carrots: Jonas told me. Celery: Way to go, Nancy Drew! I can hear his laughing. All the way from Calgary. Carrots: Screw you. Celery: Wish you could. Man, I TOLD you about his corny, pun-happy ways. Maybe now you'll believe me. Carrots: Perv. Celery: Oh come on! Don't be like that. Tell me how it happened. Carrots: They went to this party right? And they both got totally blasted. Then they had this fight 'cause Jonas felt like Kyle ditched him, Kyle starts to cry, and the next thing you know, they're making out. That's how Jonas remembers it anyway. Kyle doesn't. Remember, that is. But he knows something's wrong with Jonas, and he's really freaking out about it. Celery: Poor guy. He probably suppressed the whole thing. Can't let himself remember. Carrots: You think that's it? Celery: I'm not like positive, but that's my guess. Carrots: Sounds right. Hey! On the making me feel better side, I may be pretty slow, but I did figure it out before Kyle. He still seems to be pretty much clueless. Celery: Yeah. He did sort of seem to be living in oblivion about the whole thing when I was there. Carrots: Do you think they actually, like, might get together? Celery: I think they're in love with each other, but that neither one of them is really ready to face what that means. Not just the they're both guys thing. They're not the same kind of friends we always were. They aren't the physical types with each other. It' d probably be super weird for them. I can't imagine what it must be like being Jonas or Kyle right now. I always knew I loved you. I had years to get used to it. All their lives they've thought they were straight. If Kyle's actually bi, I don't think he's ever admitted it to himself. Probably just because it never occurred to him though. He's not really the kind of guy who'd care about that, obviously, so I'm thinking he just never really thought about it as an option for himself. Carrots: Jonas has. Celery: Yeah, which is why he's been able to recognize his feelings sooner. It'll take him a lot longer to accept them and be able to see them in Kyle though, I should think. Carrots: So, what am I supposed to do? Celery: I don't know baby. Don't worry too much. It'll be okay. Carrots: I hope so. Celery: I give you the Celery Schnider guarantee. Carrots: damn. It's never let me down in the past. Celery: It's not gonna this time either. But, how are you handing all this? Honestly. Are you freaked? Carrots: Not really. I mean, it's definitely weird, but... in a way, I guess, nothing else really makes sense. When you find someone who understands you and makes you as happy as I know they do each other, you've gotta just say screw gender and try to run with it. Like, not to say they couldn't keep an incredibly strong bond on the platonic level and have it mean just as much, but it's starting to become infinitely clear to me that they want more than that from each other. I'm a great after the fact detective. I'm picking up on all the clues now, and it's obvious. I can't be freaked about that. They' re my brothers and I love them. I want them to find happiness wherever they can. If that ends up being with each other, I'll be all for it. Celery: That's my boy. It sounds like such a simple thing, but I know how much pride and love there is behind what he said. Carrots: I wish you were here. Celery: I always wish I was there. Carrots: Well, me too! But especially right now. Celery: I know, baby. Who knew text on a computer screen could come off so soothing? Carrots: How are you anyway? Celery: I'm okay. It's been a good couple of days. Saul won this big prize at the Science Fair. Carrots: Oh, cool. Celery: He's really good at math too. I bet he could teach you a thing or two. That's his way of letting me know I'm still utmost in his mind. What a sweetheart. Carrots: Na. I'm hopeless at math. Everybody knows it. Celery: I still think you should never have dropped Pre Calc. Carrots: Please. There was no way I was even going to PASS without your help, and I didn't need it anyway. You should be happy I didn' t drop Applied too and go straight to Consumer. Celery: You're way too smart for Consumer math. Carrots: Whatever. The point is, be grateful. I thought about it. Celery: I wouldn't have let you. Carrots: Yeah, since when do you decide what math classes I take? But then, who got me into Pre Calc in the first place? Celery: Since always. Carrots: Hmmm. Celery: Bored? Carrots: NO! I'm always desperate when he starts talking about signing off. Even if I've got nothing left to say. It comforts me to be able to know for SURE what he's doing at a certain moment. Like, right now, I KNOW he's sitting at his computer. I don't have to wonder what he' s doing or thinking about. I have trouble giving that feeling up. Celery: Wanna cyber or something? It's this big joke with us. We'd never actually do it, but, we joke around about it all the time. Carrots: Sure. Celery: Okay. Carrots: I love you. Celery: That's not sex! Carrots: Jerk. Celery: I love you too. It really is sort of late, and it's later for him. Carrots: Do you want to go? Celery: No, of course not. I think I probably should though. Carrots: Okay. Celery: Sleep well, baby, and remember not to worry! Just be yourself. Carrots: I want to make things better - not worse! Celery: Ha ha. Good night, Carrots: You too. And then with the signing off and all that stuff. In an effort to do as Celery said and be myself - the helpful, supportive version of myself - I do my best to be as stupid and amusing as possible whenever Jonas is around, and especially when Kyle is too, just so he can see Jonas acting in a way that at least resembles normal and won't freak so much. But damn, cheering sad people up is really hard! I had no idea. Poor Kyle and Jonas. The way they slaved trying to make me feel better, and I never gave them even the slightest bit of encouragement. At least Jonas TRIES to laugh at my lame jokes and smile occasionally. And talking. That he's got down. While Jonas may himself still be uncertain about his feelings, after listening to him go on and on about Kyle for hours at a time, I'm most definitely not. I don't know if the way Jonas sounds when he's lying on my bed rambling on about Kyle is how I sound when I talk about Celery, but I think maybe it is. Don't take my calling it rambling as like a dismissal. I totally listen to everything he says, and a lot of it really breaks my heart. It's like watching myself a few years in the past. If I had someone to talk to about my confusion when I was 12, I would have rambled endlessly too. So, I guess I'm better than nothing, and I hope I'm helping Jonas, but I can't really be sure. He hasn't really perked up much, and he still maintains that telling Kyle would be a way bad move. I've been keeping Celery well up to date on the happenings and he claims to think I'm doing a good job. I haven't been ignoring Kyle either. I'm not really any good at subtly pushing someone in the direction of facing their true emotions, but I'm trying to help him in other ways. He still hasn't talked to Jonas though, not the one on one talk I keep assuring both of them they need, but let' s all remember that Rome wasn't built in a day. Well, a Vasskez isn't going to be awoken from the depths of denial in one either. In fact, I bet I could build Rome faster than I'm going to be able to get Kyle to wake up. I just hope they don't have to wait the 11 years me and Celery did. I've been watching them both really closely, sort of gauging their actions and emotions, and I'm pretty sure they're about where Celery and I were when we were14. I'd say it's exactly the same in fact, or it's exactly the way I thought it was. Think back. Waaaayyyy back. Remember, when I was 14, I didn't know Celery knew he loved me yet. That whole since he was 6 thing has me thrown me for a loop to this day. Of course, Jonas is more Celery than me. He refuses to even consider the possibility his feelings are returned. Plus there's the whole wigging about liking a guy thing, which neither one of us ever experienced. Jonas is not homophobic (hello?! Two of his best friends are gay!) and he did always have that `if some guy comes along who happens to really rock my world I'll be cool with that' clause, but that was all theory. Putting it into practice is a little harder to get used to. And then there' s the fact that his world rocker had to be KYLE of all people. Though Jonas assures me Kyle has a `really beautiful heart' he keeps well hidden. Like, I know my brother is an amazing person, (deep down under the sarcasm and mockery) and I love him SO much, but, well, he's a lot like me. I happen to know that I'm not an especially easy person to be in love with. Not that Celery'd ever admit it. But me and Kyle, we have our whole really awkward about being serious and expressing real emotions thing, and I imagine that sometimes that has to really suck for the poor souls who try to love us. Jonas' s whole cynicism thing is working against him too. The Zen happiness philosophy has sort of taken a giant leap out the window since his moment of personal discovery, and he's pretty much `things don't work out like that in real life' guy full time these days. Halloween. This is one holiday that actually gets better with age. When you're little, sure, you've got the whole costume, going door to door deal, and that's fine, but once you've hit junior high, or maybe for some people it's senior, the night becomes something else. Yes there's parties, dances, and all manner of your teenhood prankage to be had, but I'm talking about something much better than all that. I'm talking about the mother of all Halloween celebrations. But be warned, this is not for the faint of heart. This particular Halloween tradition is meant for the most daring and hardcore of the Halloween enthusiasts. That's right. You guessed it. Sitting on your staircase with your brother and his best friend (who both happen to be secretly in love with each other) wearing dumb costumes your mother picked out and forced you into, handing out candy to a bunch of ungrateful little kids, some of whom are little criminals in the making to boot. You know what I'm talking about. Maybe you even did it too. You see, the joy and innocence has been sucked out of even the most treasured of holidays. Halloween was supposed to be the day where ghouls and goblins come together with the witches and little Brittany Spears of the world in a spirit of love, peace, and harmony. But now it's just been turned into a racket like everything else. Never mind that over-protective mothers who throw half the stuff their children bring home out for fear it was poisoned by some sick crazy person, that's not the worst of it. The real crime is the little kids who keep something like three extra costumes hidden in their pillow cases, who come to your house once and then proceed to change behind a tree and perform the whole little dance again after you've give them even more candy. I really think we've seen the same three kids the whole night and that's been it. Their voices all sound the same anyway, that's for sure. I don't know, maybe it's just me. I really don't like kids. I thinking Emilio had it right in the Mighty Ducks. They're barely human. Celery' s different though, he loves them. Maybe that's why I'm being so bitter about all this. I could be using all that stuff as an excuse for the rotten mood I might really be in 'cause I miss him so much. He really loves Halloween, you know? And I've been thinking about all the Halloweens we spent together as kids (we always went as duos of some kind), stupid pranks we pulled, parties and dances we never went to. So maybe that's it. That and Kyle and Jonas anyway. They still haven't talked and their weirdness around each other continues to reach new heights. I'm getting a little fed up. Or maybe I'm just getting worried, and telling myself it's the other thing. I think we've established that would be like me. Celery and I had a really long talk about it on the phone the other day and that did a lot for helping me keep my sanity. The little bits that are left of it anyway. Being so wrapped up in everything with Jonas and Kyle hasn't really done me any favours when it comes to missing Celery, so hearing his voice period was nearly as important as what he had to say. One thing he said about Kyle and Jonas really stuck with me though. More than anything else in the whole conversation. He said they' re still in the beginning stages, that they haven't reached the like forever love yet. He said he thought they could still get over it. Not that it wouldn't be hard, just that it wouldn't be impossible. That's why he's stressing the get them to talk and sort out their feelings - and fast - thing so much. If they fall all the way, only to realize they honestly can't be that for each other, that they can't suddenly be in a gay relationship, they'll both be seriously and permanently fucked. The fact that I'm pretty sure he's right has got me scared shitless. This really might not work out for them. Two of the people I love most in the world could be walking around very soon with a pair of wrecked and broken hearts. There's no way I'd be able to get them through that on my own. I'm not strong enough. But who else do they have? They're the ones who worked their asses off, doing everything they could think of to keep my heart at least somewhat alive when Celery was first gone, I have to be able to be there for them like they were for me. I just don't know if I can. I need Celery so badly right now. On the phone I got so overloaded I cried for awhile. That hasn't happened in what was becoming a long time. Celery comforted me really wonderfully, though I was still almost dying, wanting his arms around me. Wanting him here with me, needing him to be here so he could help me sort all this out. I don't know what to do on my own. I just -- Hold up, someone's knocking on my door. "Yeah?" "Carrots?" Kyle? "Yeah" "Can I come in?" What? "Sure," Kyle, knocking? Something's definitely up. "Hey." "Hi, what's the matter?" "Jonas isn't around, is he?" I take a very obvious scan of my - apart from us - empty room. "No. Why?" "I just want to talk to you, and it's weird and private, and I don't really want him to know." Gee. I wonder what it is. "So what's up?" "I..." "You what, Kyle?" I try to speak slowly, gently. " I like him." Really, when you think about it, this is pretty incredible. It's only like a week after Halloween. I thought it was going to take MUCH longer than this. You remember what I said about Rome and all that. "Jonas?" He sinks onto my bed. I scoot over to give him enough room. "Yeah." I'm rethinking the giving room thing. I move closer, and put my arm over his shoulders. "In what way?" I think he needs to say it, even though we both know what he's talking about. "In the, the, you know," he struggles for awhile with the word before finally spitting it out, "GAY way," I wait awhile before speaking, trying to give him time to get used to having that out there. "There's nothing wrong with that, you know." I say gently, but firmly. I'm rubbing his back now. "I know, it's just, I never thought that this kind of thing applied to me. And the fact that's it's Jonas..." "What's wrong with Jonas?" "He's straight!" This is insane. I'm stuck trying to convince both of them now? Why can't they just take my advice and confide in EACH OTHER for once?! I can't do this! "Maybe," I hope I'm at least fooling Kyle though. "He dates girls, Carrots." "So do you." He's not getting it any quicker than Jonas did. But what else am I supposed to say? Am I supposed to out Jonas to Kyle? Kyle to Jonas? Betray one of their confidences? What?! Tell me what I'm supposed to do. "Well, not anymore." "Kyle, it's not the end of the world." Even though, going by his voice, you'd think it was. "Carrots - I think I love him!" His words come wrenched from his heart, just like Jonas's did. Again, I take a long pause before responding. There's no sense rushing him. "Then you should talk to him." "Are you crazy!" Oh Kyle. How quickly you forget. "Kyle, I'm going to give you some of your own advice, okay? And I really hope you take it. 'Cause I did, and it made my life." "What advice?" "Tell him. Tell him, or you're going to lose him." He stares at me for awhile, seeing how serious I am. He throws himself down onto his back and puts his hands against his face. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" There's more where that came from, but you get the idea. I think we made a pretty good start, don't you? --- Edited by Ed