Date: Sun, 22 Dec 2002 21:01:51 -0600 From: Karla Schulz Subject: Carrots and Celery Chapter Three Yay. It's Festivus. The non-religous holiday for the rest-iv-us. And what better way to celebrate this wonderful holiday than by reading chapter three of Carrots and Celery. Airing of grievances, feats of strength and merryment around metal poles to follow. I hope you enjoy the chapter guys, it'll be the last one for a little while cause I'm going on holiday (woohoo!) but rest assured, there is plenty more Carrots and Celery action to come. Thanks go to Nick once again for his masterful editing. Buddy, I'm considering nicknaming you 'champ'. Happy whatever you feel like celebrating this year everyone! Kyle's all over me with questions and snide remarks as I eat breakfast the next day. But underneath the sarcastic tone, the gibes about how maybe we should have waited another 10 years, the eye rolling, I can easily tell Kyle's so happy he's practically laughing out loud. Finally, he surrenders, throwing himself into a chair saying, "I'm really happy for you. I mean REALLY happy. When you see him at school you'll tell him won't you? That I love him, that's he's my little brother?" I nod. "Of course I will. I'm also going to tell him you repeatedly insulted both of our honours. He'll probably kick your ass," Kyle laughs. "Delighted to see love hasn't changed you little brother," I smile. "When you're perfect, there's really no need for improvement is there?" "You've really gotta love an honest man," "I know I do," "Shit!" I nearly fall of my chair whipping around to look at Celery, who has quite possibly appeared in my kitchen out of thin air. "Thanks for the set up Kyle," Celery says nodding at him. I sit there, pouting. "If feel conspired against," Celery kisses my cheek and Kyle ruffles my hair. "And again," I say in my grumpy lightness tone. "We're only trying to express our love," "Yeah," Kyle says in an equally babyish voice. "You're not going to continue to treat me in this manner are you?" I ask them. They nod, grinning. Sigh. Their little teasing unit against me has always been loosely established but now it's been solidified by a common cause. "Well that's just great. And I suppose you're here because you want to be fed?" I say gruffly, making myself feel better by acting upset. A warning look flashes over Kyle's face. Too far little brother. Celery looks hurt. "I came because I wanted to see you and got sort of tired of waiting," I try to grab his hand, but he evades my reach. "Cel," I coax. "I'm sorry, I was only joking. You know I was, don't be mad at me for something you know I didn't mean," He takes off his hat, shakes back some hair and puts it back on. Sighs. "It's cool," He says quietly, offering me his hand. I take it, and squeeze. "Lets NOT become one of those annoying couples that fight and make up all the time okay?" He grins. "And let's definitely not become like Donna and Eric," We gag together. That 70's started to suck right after Donna and Eric started going out. Then when they broke up! Donna turned into mega bitch, Eric was a loser. Well, we've stopped watching, but I assume the sucking pattern has continued. "Or worse, Joey and Dawson," Together "ahugh!" "May I suggest you also don't start kissing all over the place, some of us are trying to eat," Kyle mutters darkly just before we lean in for a lip lock. We then of course proceed to do it anyway. Some of us are trying to eat indeed. I even moan a bit for effect. Kyle shudders. "That's lovely. I really want to hear my little brother moaning from pleasure while he's got his tongue down his best friends throat. Thanks guys, really. You've made my day." Celery rolls his eyes. "Shut-up Kyle. You know we have," he grins. "Okay, maybe a little. But that doesn't mean this is going to become a part of all our daily routines. If you two think you're going to do the tonsil tag thing every morning, you've got another thing coming. We're going to have to establish some ground rules-" "Ground rules?" "That's right," "Okay Kyle," I say reasonably. Far too reasonably to be taken seriously. Celery snickers. "What do you suggest?" "I'm serious," "Sure you are," I say nodding. "No tongue, no moaning, and no lip contact period until I've finished my toast. Have pity," "Kyle?" "Yeah?" He asks hopefully. "Shove it," "I second the motion," Celery says with a grin. It's good to have him back on the team. Kyle rolls his eyes, "Thanks. I really appreciate it." With one big slurp, I finish my cereal and get up from the table. "You ready?" I ask Celery. He gets up too. "Sure, all I came to pick up was you so if you're ready then so am I," "Then let's plough," Our school is about 10 minutes away, by foot. Taking a car would be outrageous, useless and wasteful. In general I'm not that big a fan of cars. Okay, they're really convenient but they're shit for the earth and if you live in the city you can take the bus pretty much anywhere so what's the point? It's a nice school, spill off of the good, and yeah, slightly snobbish, neighbour hood we live in. People shout hellos, but Celery sticks even closer to me than usual. Which, let me tell you, is no easy feat. Like how much closer than our pervious freakishly close can you get? But Celery's certainly making a go of it, he even hovers around while I get books from my locker. "When did you evolve past books and writing utensils?" I ask in a cheerfully sarcastic tone of voice. He shrugs. "I'll get them in a second," He replies in his 'I'm going to pretend to be oblivious to your tone' tone. I smile. "You don't have to, you know, protect me or something. I promise not to stray - I won't even look!" He smiles back sheepishly. "Slow down?" I pat his cheek. "Only a little," The bell rings. "Whoops, gotta go! See you in third period!" Shaking my head I make my way to class. Celery was well behaved in our joint period of Applied Math (and helpful in getting me through the work, as usual. Incompetent teachers could stand to take a lesson or two from him on the finer points of unfogging the many mysteries of mathematics for other young minds such as my own) but at lunch, he slips his arm round the back of my chair as soon as we sit down. Now, this really isn't even anything new, and the fact that we're very physical with each other is a long past accepted quirk of our friendship, but it suddenly feels very strange to have him doing it the way things are with us now. I lean forward in my chair, under the pretence of taking a sip of my drink, but never fully lean back again. We don't have many common friends, it's true, but we have a group of people we're both friendly with. Some of them are from my group and some are from his, we're sociable in the halls and during classes, and for an hour a day we're all together at the same cafeteria table. That's one small step for man, one giant leap for teenage kind. Really, it is sort of a big deal. Breaking down the social barriers and everything. When we started doing it back in like grade nine, we were pioneers, now it's everyday life. Like I said, I like his buddies, and we get along well enough, there just wouldn't be anything we had in common to do or talk about outside of school, so that's where we keep it. Basically, there's five of us core lunchers who show up pretty much everyday. Celery and me, Brian, Alex and Jonas. He's new (I'm talking Jonas over here), and since he doesn't know where he fits yet in the pecking order, he's chilling with us. I like him, so I hope he'll stick around. "Enjoying your drink?" Jonas asks. I wrinkle my brow at him. "Uh, sure," They nod to each other. Celery doesn't seem to be in on whatever's going on. We share a 'people are weird' look and then shrug it off. Lunch passes. I leave a few minutes early to use the bathroom, but not before I have to glare sharply at Celery so he doesn't come along. As I'm walking down the hall after answering nature's call I come directly into Cherrie's path. She smiles. Just what I need. "Hi!" I nod and look over her shoulder, hoping to see someone I can yell hello to as a means of escape. Listen, most girls, I like. They're fine. I have nothing against the gender on the whole. It's just SOME girls are so GIRLY. Maybe true 'girliness' is completely different but what I mean is stuff like they're into fashion and makeup and pop stars. They know about things like what's the new pink and when you're supposed to stop wearing white. Cherrie is one such girl. Even her voice, it's... artificial. Too sugary and fake sounding. Like it's practised or something. It's kinda freaky. While I'm trying escape her figurative clutches she actually puts her hand on my shoulder. It's like she thinks I already belong to her or something. I honestly don't understand what a girl like Cherrie sees in me. I'm not built and into sports. I don't drive a sports car (or any car for that matter). I have no trust fund. I mean, she's a CHEERLEADER for heavens sake! Frankly, I don't even know why she knows who I am, let alone is interested in me. She shouldn't even know my name, or, at least not care about finding out what it is. The types of girls who usually go for me are closer to my kind. Sort of geeky with weird senses of humour, the kind of girls I actually like hanging out with and am nice to. Maybe she sees me as a challenge or something. If that's the case, she's got a much harder road ahead of her than she thinks. Speaking of challenges... "Hey Cherrie," Celery's arrived on the scene. His tone isn't friendly, his smile isn't good-natured. She removes her hand. "Hi," She says in an equally hostile tone. I shift my eyes back and forth between them, feeling like I'm being fought over, which I sort of am I guess. You'd think that any second now they were going to start pulling each others hair. Instead Celery puts his arm around my shoulders and pulls me close. He might as well have said, 'back-off - get your own boyfriend!' Cherrie shoots me a hopeful look but I just stand there feeling cosmically uncomfortable and she leaves. "My knight in shinning armour," I say, my voice caught between nervousness and sarcasm. Celery lets go. "I'm sorry - I just can't stand her! If you leave me for a girl, maybe I'd be able to understand. If you leave me for THAT, I might have to kill you." "I'm not leaving you for anyone ever. Especially not some valley girl cheerleading bitch. That's just plain insulting. Have some respect," He grins. "You're not mad?" I shrug. "If you keep doing that kind of thing, people will start to talk," "Would that matter? I mean, would it bother you?" I scrunch my face. "I don't know," He smiles tightly. "I'm trying not to push, it's just not really working so far. I guess, now that YOU know, and the world hasn't opened up and swallowed me whole, I don't really care about anyone else's reaction." Okay, wow to the power of 15. "I love you," I whisper. "I love you so much." Any more of that and we'll both tear up. "Class," he croaks. Nodding, I start to walk with him, and Celery stays a respectful distance away from me. I find myself missing his arm, the closeness. In class instead of working I think about his question. Should it bother me? No. Does it? I'm not sure. We'd be okay, I'm pretty sure of that. All the people I run with are accepting and open people, and I think Celery's also been careful not to get close to anyone who also doesn't fit that bill. Not that either of us are really all that close to anyone but each other. I've always checked out my potential school friends, trying to make sure if I did come out, even though I'd never been ready to before, they would back me up. When you get right down to it, the only person I've really ever wanted to hide my sexuality from all this time has been Celery. Obviously that's no longer an issue. But am I ready to go for it like he is? The only thing that I'm really worried about in the end is that our touching will go from being seen as a weirdness about our friendship to us flaunting our gay relationship. But what's wrong with that anyway? Now that I think about it, I might go for a little flaunting. In a day or two. Once I've... say it with me: had a little while to get used to the idea. Once that's settled in my mind I begin staring at Celery, and he's adorably unaware, scribbling dutifully away. We're in French with Mr. Mere, and he's one of the few remaining teachers who still makes an issue about Celery's hat. The battle between them has been going on for years. At the beginning it was loud (Mr. Mere shouting in French and everyone else laughing) but now it's more silent and strategic. Celery always enters class with his hat on his books, keeping it there while he sits down and so on. Attendance is taken, maybe there's a lecture, but then Mr. Mere turns his back on us writing out stuff we have to translate or other assignments and on goes the hat. Every time Mr. Mere starts to turn around Celery plucks off his hat in an instant, brings it down around his back and drops it demurely into his lap. This can happen up to 20 times in one class, and I'm SURE Mr. Mere has to know what's going on, but they both insist on keeping up the charade. I don't know why, it probably has something to do with the fact that they're both insane. But like, ESPECIALLY Mr. Mere. Big time especially. Deep thoughts and moony staring notwithstanding, I finish my work before the bell. What can I say? I'm naturally brilliant. It's kind of a chore really, being beautiful and hilarious as well... Celery waits for me outside the door and I smile big, just in case he's still thinking maybe I'm mad or whatever. Chances are one of us would have gotten around to saying something eventually, but before either of us has the chance an old friend is kind enough to shout, "Hey faggots!" Yes everyone, it's hey faggots time again. Let's all get out our signs and ribbons. "Fuck-off," Celery says in a low growl, standing up full height, shoulders thrown back, all big and tough looking. Me, I stand there uselessly on the side, looking nice. Which okay, I kick ass at. Only problem is, now I don't know about you, but I'M thinking I'm starting to look a tiny bit like the girlfriend here. Who's with me? "I'd like to see you make me fag," Celery (who by the way, IS a fighter) grabs a fist full of the guys shirt and rams him not so nicely against some lockers. "Give it up you dumb-ass. I'm getting sick of doing this everyday." After one more slam for good measure, Celery lets him go. The guy mutters a few less than fond farewells under his breath, but disappears into the crowd. I sigh. Celery's not the only one who thinks this whole thing's starting to get a little old. What's that? Oh. Did I forget to mention that not everything is perfect in this little world of ours? Sorry. I guess I figured you'd like, assume or something. Life - not perfect? Go figure. Anyway, to some people there just is no such thing as a 'cool geek'. Not everyone just accepts our closeness as a 'thing' about our friendship. Not everyone is a nice guy. I know I'm throwing a lot of new concepts at you all at once but try and see if you can't muddle along. The lovely gentlemen who you've just been introduced to is Brendan Kobus. He's everything a villain should be. Dumb, mean, big. He's your classic, stereotypical, 'there's one in every highschool' bully. You know. Not really popular, but with a bunch of obedient, slightly dumber and smaller minions who can usually be found standing a foot or two behind him shouting insults at whoever he's attacking and repeating whatever he says. They also say 'yeah!' a lot. I'm sure you're familiar with the breed. We've had this special relationship you've just witnessed since grade seven. It started out innocently enough, well, for me and Celery that is. We'd been doing it for about six years, and madly and secretly in love or not, I think we both honestly didn't pay a whole lot of attention to what we were doing. It was during the first assembly of the year. The entire school was crowded into the gym, sitting on the damn floor (both my feet were asleep) and Celery and I (wait for it, here's comes another shocker) were sitting next to each other. Well okay, it was probably closer to on top of each other. Our sides and arms were touching and our heads were leaning pressed together, our hair mingling. I think maybe one of his hands might have been on my knee. I know that's not exactly normal teenage boy stuff, but it was what was normal for us. What still is. Gay and in love or not, we've always loved touching each other. Craved that closeness. I will also plead the innocence of youth. So anyway, our man Kobus was sitting right behind us and wasn't a huge fan of the view. He got really nasty and vicious in a quiet way (you remember, kids are mean) but we just went closer. It wasn't even on purpose. We just automatically reacted by wanting to protect each other and to form a tighter bond against the assault. I think at the start he wasn't even all that serious and wanted only to make us aware of what we were doing, having a little fun in the process of course, but when Celery put his arm around me (not for a second realising this was only going to make it worse) Brendan made up his mind about us. He's hated us and called us fags ever since. Most of our altercations end like that last one, but he won't drop it. I know, I know. How could we have not talked about being gay sooner with all this going on? I can only say that because neither one of us has ever seen of ourselves as fags we never felt the need to discuss it. Our after school ritual is always pretty much the same. What's that? All of the things we do are pretty much the same? Well give it a rest. We've been friends for over 10 years. Patterns and routines usually tend to develop in that amount of time. It's not boring either, we do the stuff we do because we enjoy it not because we feel like obligated to under the terms of our friendship agreement. Can I continue on now? Thanks so much. What we usually do is meet at my locker (cause mine's further away from my last period class and so it takes me longer to get my stuff, that's why) say hey or whatever and then go over to my house. We'll do our homework on the kitchen table, eat a snack and then if the weather's warm enough we'll go skate until supper, which is around 6:30 in my house and whenever in his. After supper, if he's stayed over that is, and usually even is he hasn't, we do lots of different things, or if we're busy, like if Cel has practice, or if I have to work on yearbook or the paper, we'll split up from there. At the end of the day when I get to my locker, Celery isn't there, but Cherrie is. I look around without trying to be obvious about it, and don't see him anywhere. So no, 'spring forth burly protector - and save me!' "Um, hi Cherrie," She puts on her biggest, and to me most insincere seeming smile. "Can we talk?" I shrug. "What about?" How to stay sounding uninterested and not rude at the same time by Carrots Vasskez. "I think we need to be honest with each other," Yeah. That's what we need. Suuuurrrre. "Oh?" "Yes, we've been beating around the bush for a long time now but I think it's time we cleared the air with some open honesty," "Uh-" "Ready to go?" Jeez! I've really got to talk to him about starting to keep some coins in his pocket or something so he can't sneak up on me like that anymore. "Yeah. Or um," looking back over to Cherrie, "did you still want to talk?" She tosses her hair and smiles in an utterly fake manner. "That's okay, we'll finish this later..." She runs her finger along my chest as she walks away. "Hussy," He mutters under his breath. "Whatever hee-man. Thanks for the rescue," "Someone had to, as you seem totally incapable of fighting off the female masses by yourself." "Your confidence in me is overwhelming," His eyes are bright, loving. "It's my confidence in you that's the problem. I love you and am fully aware that everybody else feels the same. I'm just trying to maintain my position," "There's no one on the bench, there never will be, and chances are you'll stay in form for a good long while yet," He gives me a hard look. "Care, if you think there's no one on the bench, dreaming of this spot, you're more than a couple waves short of a tide. But I'm not going to be the one who tells you to open your eyes to your many possibilities. I'm insecure enough as it is," I give him a swat upside the head with his hat. "Lose it, or I'll actually get upset with you. If you're insecure it means you don't trust me, and that'll really take us somewhere uncool, so watch it." He grins. "What?" "Sorry, can't tell you. It's my secret weapon. The secret is generally thought to be the most important part of any secret weapon and that is certainly the case here," "You do know I have ways of making you talk," I say wickedly. He laughs. "And I'm sure I'll enjoy every minute." The walk home is quick, pleasant. We spend it and the rest of the afternoon getting to know each other in new ways. Not THOSE kinds of ways, gutter brain! I mean stuff like what we were talking about the last night. Being gay or Carrot-sexual stuff, talk filled with stories that have suddenly taken on whole new meanings, old memories. And okay, there's a little bit of the other stuff too. So sue me. I'm lying in his lap on the living room floor when mom comes home. "Hi guys," She says like I'm not lying in his lap on the living room floor. "Planning to stay for dinner Celery?" He looks down at me, and though I'm sort of on the stunned side, I shrug. "I think so, probably," "Fine, I was planning on ordering some pizza, it's a light day at the bakery but I'm still quite tired. What's the vote from this room?" "That's great mom," She smiles and starts out of the room, but turns at the last minute and curls her finger at me, I get up and she leads me by the arm out of the room. "I'm very happy for you, don't be embarrassed, but I've been wondering when you two would finally wake up to your feelings for each other and admit them, and I'm overjoyed that you have." Don't be embarrassed?! I feel like burying my head in the floor tiles. Like damn, how obvious are we? I mean were Celery and I like the only ones who didn't know what was really going on? "Uh, thanks mom," She hugs me. "Your dad's going to be so proud! And wait until I tell the other parents at the meeting this Wednesday," "Mom! You're not going to announce the details of my relationship with Celery to the entire PFLAG membership!" She laughs. "Why not?" Cause! That's why! I don't know... bah. Everybody seems to be taking this with a pinch more grace than me. Is it my fault I'm easily frazzled by change? I'm a creature of habit! I thrive on routine and predictability! HELP! "Whatever mom," I say swallowing my pride (and just a touch of the insanity). "It's just nice to know you support us." She gives me another hug. "I most certainly do! You go back now and catch him up to speed, I would have talked to you both at the same time but..." "You thought I might freak out?" You gotta love that 'you're my son and I know you much better than you think' mother smile. "How are you doing with all this?" I shrug. "99% of me has never been happier," "And that other 1% is terrified?" She's cool my mom. I wasn't kidding before. She's really great. "It's happening so fast and it's like everyone was expecting it, me too even in a way, but I'm the only one who seems to be finding handling the transfer from possibility to reality to be a bit of a challenge." "That's how you are sweat-heart," not a word, "it's part of your personality. It takes you longer than some people to get used to new things, but that's okay! You're a careful person, you like to test the waters," that usually happens after I've thrown myself in head first mind you, "There's nothing wrong with being exactly how you are and going as slowly as you need to. Celery knows you and it's very clear that he loves you. I trust him to wait as long as you need. To keep your pace. You see, if a mother can trust a person with her son's heart, you KNOW he has to be an okay guy! And tell him about that 1%, he'll help you work on it," I smile. "Thanks mom," "Any time," Celery's sitting up resting his back against the couch with a pensive look on his face when I return. I grin big. "We've got the official parental blessing," His eyes roll back and his shoulders sag with relief. I crawl the rest of the way back into his arms. "I don't even know why I was worried like, you're parents are so great!" "They already knew I was gay, so it wasn't that huge a shock anyway," "They KNEW?" I laugh at his voice and expression. "Yeah. I told them when I was 13 - not that I was in love with you just that I figured I was gay. She knew anyway though, dad too apparently. I guess the only people we were really all that good at fooling was each other," "Too bad it didn't go the other way," "Hey, no regrets remember?" He smiles. "Oh yeah, I didn't mean it like that. I just feel sort of dumb, and maybe embarrassed a little. Like your parents knew all this time that I was in love with you? I feel self-conscious," "I thought you were big 'I don't care about anyone else's reaction' guy?" "They're your parents! I have to make sure I do right by you now," I grab his hat and hit him in the face with it. "Less than a day and the abuse has started already," I say with one of my patented self-pitying sighs. "Get over yourself," "I love you," I say reaching up and pulling his head down to my lips. "I love you too," He says sweetly after the kiss. "So, what should we do?" "I don't know about you but I'm enjoying just looking at you right here," I smile, rolling my eyes. "I meant like tonight, after supper, do you want to go out or..." "Where would we go? Besides, it's a school night and stuff. I'm down for a Buffy repeat on Space and then maybe that homework we managed to forget to do," that might sound boring to you, but it's routine, which is exactly what I need to help myself settle down and begin to adjust. I'm sure Celery knows that. "Yeah, oh--" cut off by the bell. We wait a second and mom pops her head into the room, "Phone's for you Carrots," I get up and take the cordless from her. "Hey," "Hi, it's me," ME?! The only 'me' I have is Celery. "Uh...," "Cherrie," next thing I know she's going to be throwing rocks at my window. Can you say stalker?! "Hi," The look of discomfort and disgust on my face immediately lets Celery know who I'm talking to. He gets up looking pissed, and starts to walk over like he's going to take the phone out of my hand or something. "It's okay," I hiss at him. "So Cherrie, what can I do for you?" "I still think we need to talk and I was hoping you'd come over after you ate supper so we could do that..." "I can't Cherrie. I have plans," I look at him, seeing that despite himself there's fear in Celery's eyes, and make up my mind. "But even if I didn't, I'm not interested. I think I have a pretty good idea what you want to talk about Cherrie, and the answer is no. I'm with someone, I'm not looking for a relationship with you or anyone else," "You're WITH someone?" Hey kids, we have our first candidate for the 'What?! I didn't know that!' Carrots and Celery really AREN'T that obvious award. "Yeah," I'm not looking at him, I can't right now. "WHO?" It's moment of truth time eh? "Uh..."