Date: Thu, 19 Dec 2002 13:53:26 -0600 From: Karla Schulz Subject: Carrots and Celery Chapter Two Wow! Thank you guys all SO much for all the responces. I really, really appreciated each and every one of them. I tried to reply to all of you, but there were a couple people whose e-mail address I wasn't able to send to for some reason, so if you didn't get an e-mail back, that's why. Sorry! Anyway, if you didn't skip all this to go straight to chapter two, go do that now. I take another breath, and after exhaling deeply whisper, "I love you," His eyes turn a brighter blue than I have ever seen. "I'm in love with you." There's a split second of total silence, where he stares at me unbelieving, and then his arms are around me and his face is in my neck and we're both shaking and taking ragged, gasping breaths. Never letting go sounds like a good idea to me, but he pulls his face away, searching my eyes, and I smile faintly. "I love you, I love you, I love you," he's almost crying. "I love you too. I've always loved you. I always will." He kisses me. So tenderly. So quickly. Best moment of my life. Then again, and again, and again. Each time, so gently, but so incredibly intense. Lips abandoned for cheeks and eyes and noses for awhile. I'm so happy, filled up to bursting with so much joy, I wonder if I might be floating a bit. We'll separate to kiss and then press our bodes together again, craving contact. All the while, over and over, saying I love you. There's quiet again eventually, the frenzy over, when simply holding each other is enough. I'm slightly scared, good old me. Here in my arms I have everything I've ever wanted, and as long as I don't do anything stupid (that's the problem though isn't it?) I think I always will. Under my arms, I feel him moving a bit. "Carrots?" "Yes love," oh to be able to say it! "Thank-you for saying it first." "I didn't." "What?" "You did. Last night." He tenses. "I can't believe you heard that!" "What's the matter?" Laugh in my voice. "I love you, I love hearing you say it. That was really special for me. It's probably what set this all off. That and Kyle," He swallows audibly. "Kyle?" "Yeah, um, Kyle knows." "He does?!" "Yeah. He's completely okay with it. He's been riding my ass to tell you since he found out." "So that's what he was talking about," I'm pretty sure he's not really talking to me. "Huh?" "Awhile ago, Kyle called me and gave me this totally - then anyway - strange talk about trusting your feelings and believing in yourself and standing up for what's in your heart. I knew he was trying to tell me something, but at the time I didn't understand what." "So much for swearing to secrecy," I say with mock murder in my voice. Celery hugs me playfully. "Come on. You've got nothing to be upset about. That really helped me and like I said I had no idea what he was hinting at." "Oh fine. I won't kill him after all, for you," I kiss his nose. I'll take any excuse of course. We kiss with noses for awhile. Then, smiling, "Are we idiots?" "Why?" Even though I'm pretty sure I know. "For waiting. This is so wonderful, so incredible, do you feel like we've wasted time?" "Not even a little bit. I treasure every minute of our friendship. Maybe we waited for this aspect of it, but we still loved each other. I don't regret anything. Would you want to change anything?" He hugs me like he'll never let go. "Not if everything we did brought us here. And even if it hadn't, no. Our friendship saved my life. I hope it won't change," "If it does, it'll only get better." He squeezes me again. "I love you," "I love you too," Making that probably the hundredth time I've said it tonight. It never gets old. "Do you wanna know a secret?" "Yeah," "I love being able to say it almost as much as I love you," The nearest bit of him is his ear, so I kiss it. "I, I don't regret anything Carrots, like I said, but..." "Touching, acknowledging we're touching, finally being able to be honest about everything?" "Yeah," He says dreamily. "It's better even than I hoped, because it's really happening I guess, but even before, we were still loving to each other. It's just different now. More out in the open." "I stopped for awhile though didn't I? Being loving I mean," I hope the kiss I give him eases his guilt. "Yes you did, but that was all part of it. If you hadn't, I might not have noticed you were doing it in the first place. It gave me a lot of think about. In the end it really helped me, your pulling away - because of the reasons I suspected you were doing it. That's when I started to consider the possibility that you knew you loved me too. It was thrilling," "It hurt too though, didn't it?" "Well yeah," "Because you thought I loved you but there I was never telling you about it," "It changed things anyway. I spent the first two years knowing I loved you thinking you weren't ever going to be able to love me back, thinking you just weren't like that. When I was 14 I began to suspect you loved me but didn't know it. Then at 15, when you started to pull away, almost like you were afraid..." "Why did you wait so long to say something?" "Why?" I laugh. "Cause I was terrified you weren't saying anything because you didn't want it. I thought that you hated being gay or something like that and were trying to kill it off." "How could you think that while I stayed so close to you as a friend? I didn't pull away THAT much," "Yeah I know. But Celery, the thing that you're forgetting is I'm insane," He laughs. "It's just you've been like that so long. Sometimes I forget," I pinch him and he retaliates by tickling. I'm ridiculously ticklish. He stops sort of abruptly. "Cel?" He smiles. "Keep telling me. There's some stuff we need to get out in the open I think." We move around a little until he's holding me (hey, he's bigger than me and he's heavy! What do you want from me anyway?!) and I'm resting peacefully half on his chest (his broad, muscley chest...) half on the bed. To think all this time I let him sleep on the floor. There'll be no more of that I assure you. "So where was I anyway?" "Um, 15 and being afraid," "Yeah. Hmm, it's about time for you, you know," "I know. You finish first though," it's obvious to me he's nervous. "It'll be fine. We can be totally honest with each other now. It's finally allowed," His arms around me tighten for a second and then relax. "Anyway. All that fear and anxiety jazz had me pretty much on the ropes, despite the fact that everyday, pretty much everything you did convinced me more and more you loved me back. These past few months though, I knew we were getting close," "So did I." "Really? I didn't think you thought about that kind of thing. I guess I don't know everything after all," "I knew something was going to happen, something big that would decide things one way or the other, but leave that until it's my turn. I want to hear this from your side right now. I want to know what you were thinking and feeling all these years, months, weeks, days, hours," "Compare and contrast, Celery?" He laughs. "Despite test scores that would indicate the opposite I DO listen in English," "You'll have a hard time finding anyone who thinks you're stupid Cel, especially in this room. Look for pity somewhere else," "I notice we've gotten off track again," "That's because there's so much new stuff we're trying to talk about all at once, but also our normal stuff," "Okay. But I really want to hear it," "I'm telling it. Right now. Be calm." "I've never been calmer," "That's a nice thing to say," "What's nicer is that I mean it," "We're going to be hopeless aren't we?" "Oh probably. We always have been of course," "Wasn't it Mrs. Chandler who was always telling us we were impossible?" "And Mr. Roteo called us the 'bloody limit' about everyday," We laugh together. "Carrots," while he's jabbing me. "Hey! That was your fault, don't go abusing me for your own mistakes," "Don't make me tickle you again," What a threat. "As I was planning on saying," "Before you were so rudely interrupted," "That's right." Now look, I know I've basically explained all this to you already but it's new to Celery so shut up and listen, or if you don't want to do that skim down a bit. "Since 15 there have been moments where I really thought I was going to say it, you know, take the plunge. But time after time I chickened out. Since about, like, January, those moments started happening way more often. I still kept wimping out though. But it all started happening for real last night when I heard you saying 'I love you Carrots' in your sleep, and then the way you acted at the Video store," "How did I act?" I figured he didn't realize how he was acting. "All jealous and threatened. It was pretty cute but I didn't like to see you hurting," "That touches on me stuff," "I know it does, and we'll get to that. There's a bit more I've got to say first though. I need to explain about Kyle I think," "Yeah Kyle. I definitely want to hear about that," Okay. I'll have mercy. I'll skip the part about how he found out. You get to hear the rest again though. "...after he left I finally figured out it wasn't being gay you were afraid of but that you were afraid I didn't even love you. When I realised that was what was holding you back I HAD to tell you. I couldn't let you go on not knowing a thing like that." "My turn now?" "I think so. We can always splice in a little me along the way if I suddenly remember something," "Not that there's any rush," "If you think you've got any way out of this short of dying you're crazy," "Good," he says shakily. "I mean it. I swear it. You've trusted me about everything else, you can trust me about this too can't you?" "Yes," sigh. "Yeah Care I can. I do." "Your turn's not going much better than mine is it?" "Your fault again of course." "I thought we agreed it was your fault last time." "You agreed," "So who else matters?" Off track or not we need to be doing this so we know we're still us. That post THIS we're still the same and we can act the same and that the same stuff will still be funny and natural and comfortable. "My turn take two?" So much for silent Celery. "Yeah, sure," He lets go of me and sits up. I roll over and pout at him from my back. "Whad ya do that for?" "I think this'll be easier if we're not touching. Less distractions, you know?" I smile evilly. "I'll agree - only if you promise to let me distract you a lot later," He laughs. Have I mentioned I'm one of the only people Celery laughs around? It's cause I'm so damn hilarious. Yep. "Sure, whatever," "Whatever?" I say pitifully. "You wouldn't feel sorry for me before," "Yeah but you didn't deserve it." "Neither do you. Now shut up and let me talk." "Okay." "Let's start it all off with a confession how bout? What with it being good for the soul and all that," "I don't want you to be nervous. You can tell me anything," He smiles almost guiltily. "I plan to," "Can't I hold your hand at least?" I'm a bit worried about him to be honest. Looking at him you'd think he was about to tell me he'd like killed my dog and stolen my favourite record or something. You know, something BAD. "Okay," I reach over, palm to palm joining our fingers. "So what's the big confession?" I ask, trying to lighten him up. Damnit. His eyes have gone all grey again. "Will you..." "What?" this time I try to sound gentle. "Promise not to get mad?" "Mad?" What the heck would I have to be mad about? Is he joking? "No. I'm not going to ask you that." "Cel, I love you. You don't have to be scared." Distracting or not I have to hug him. I kiss the side of his nose, smiling. "Okay?" He tries to smile for my benefit. "Here goes," He faces me, bites his lip for a second and then says, "I knew. I've loved you since the day we met and I knew the whole time." WHAT?! "The whole time?" I screech, shocked. He's looking away again. "From the very first day. From the moment I saw you." "Before lunch? Before we even talked?" I don't even really remember seeing him before lunch hour, but Celery's nodding. "As soon as your mom brought you in, from the first second. It was... I mean, I know now it was love. All I understood then was that I wanted to know you, be around you all the time. Six year olds don't really think sensibly about age 40 or the rest of their life but I remember planning it out in my little dream thinking, 'we'll always be best friends and we'll live in the same house', and Carrots, I swear I even imagined us lying beside each other in the same bed. Sex never crossed my mind but just about everything else did. When you sat with me at lunch, I felt like I'd been given the best thing in the entire world. Like I'd just been given everything I'd ever want. Maybe I didn't use the word but I knew what I felt for you. I've ALWAYS known." I sit there, shocked, holding his hand. Literally, words have failed me. There doesn't seem to be any that would be enough so I stay quiet. "Are you mad?" His voice unlocks mine. "No. Amazed," "Really? But not mad?" It's my turn to look into his eyes. "Not mad. Confused, floored, shocked and amazed - but not mad. How could I be? Anyway, don't stop. That's only the first day. Tell me more," "I read about it. You know, being gay. Some books said it was a phase most male adolescents go through, but I knew YOU weren't a phase. I knew I wanted you to be the rest of my life." "You READ about it? When you were SIX?" I don't really know why I'm surprised though, Celery was an insanely serious child. Over the years it's grown less and less but at the beginning he was a quiet, serious, intense little boy. If there's ever a need for a poster child for kids with poor parental figures growing up WAY too fast, Celery'd be your man. Like, I hate to use physco-babble but it's gotta have something to do with his mom and everything. I mean, he's been raising himself pretty much since he was freaking four years old. Like no kidding. "Yeah. Like, it was actually when I was about eight, but pretty much yeah. It was all sort of a waste of time though," "How?" "I'm not gay Carrots. Not exactly. I've never had a crush on anyone. Not girls or boys. Only you. Always and only you," quadruple wow. "I..." "Shocked you again have I?" "Oh, just a little," damn losers who say sarcasm is for the weak. What do they know. "But you're amazed again, not mad?" He's smiling, teasing. That makes it all worth it. Like sure it's not anything like I thought it was but that doesn't mean this is worse. What he's saying doesn't matter. What matters is that he trusts me enough to tell me. "Amazed Celery. And holy cricket," I'm trying to work that into my vocabulary. I love Harry Potter. "Flattered." "Yeah?" "No. You've only been in love with me since the day we met and have never even crushed on anyone else. I'm not flattered at all. That was sarcasm." "I love you. Carrots, do you understand what it's like for me to finally be able to say that to you out loud? Not just in my dreams, after all these years?" Eyes sparkling. I smile. "Hey, you've got six conscious years on me but don't like go getting too full of yourself. You're not the only one whose been dreaming about it." We kiss briefly. It's such an amazing thing to be able to do. To just, whenever it strikes my fancy, lean over and kiss him. No more wanting to, but being too scared. Damn will I ever NOT miss those days. "There's a lot more," he says, like he needs to explain himself for breaking the kiss. I merely nod, settling down on the pillows, knees bent, toes tucked under his thigh. "If you always knew, why'd you suddenly pull away, after all that time I mean?" "Two reasons basically. One was that I felt guilty about it, like I was taking advantage of you," "So I WAS right about that at least. I'm not a completely hopeless case," "No," smiling at me warmly. "The other reason?" He shrugs. "I was afraid you were starting to catch on. You started looking at me really closely all the time - like you were trying to figure me out. I was worried you were on to me," I smile smugly. "And I totally was!" He shakes his head but gives me a humouring smile. "Yes. You're very smart," "Now shut-up?" If you want to understand what we're talking about, I suggest you rent 'A Princess Bride'. In fact, even if you don't, I still suggest you rent it. I mean, what's wrong with you? It's only one of the most hilarious movies ever made. Honestly. "Pretty much all through Elementary school it didn't really matter to me that I was in love with you, the closer I felt to you the better it was: the more fun I had with you, the more safe you made me feel, everything. Then in grade 7, everyone was discovering girls and I started getting SO afraid you would to. When we were young it never really mattered to me whether or not you were in love with me, so long as we stayed best friends. I had still had my vision of us living together, and having only one really big bed. It all made perfect sense as long as I didn't let myself think about it logically. But suddenly there were girls and other kids and for the first time I was worried about losing my slot as your number one," "I worried about that too," "Did you?" "Yeah, a little. About sports and everything. It felt like we were getting pulled in different directions," "That's exactly how it felt! But I couldn't let that happen, it was not an option for me to lose you, though I was scared that I would. I was almost shaking I was so nervous when I picked you up at your locker that Friday after we'd barely seen each other all week, do you remember that?" "Yeah, of course." "I was completely ready to quit the team and try to join the paper staff - anything to stay with you. If you hadn't acted normal I would have. I would have given it up in a second if I thought not would have meant losing you." "I hope, I mean, did you seriously think I wasn't going to want to still hang out with you?" "I was worried about it, but you've always been my rock. I wasn't ready to let one week of junior high screw up my entire faith in you, it took me way too long build." "Eh, Theodore, do I make you feel inadequate?" I mutter to myself. "What?" "Nothing," "No, that's from 'The Blue Lawn', isn't it?" Holy cricket! You see, my plan is working perfectly. "You've read that?" He grins. "I loved it!" We stare at each other like it's for the first time. We kiss in a giddy rush. "Come here alright? Please?" I say holding out my arms. He smiles. "Yeah, most of the hard part's done anyway," We cuddle together again. I'm back where I belong, back in his arms, back where I'll always need to be. "The rest Cel?" "Girls. That's what scared me the most. I was afraid you'd pick one you liked and then it wouldn't just be me and you any more. I didn't think you'd ditch me, not really, I was just extremely jealous of anyone who might take up any of your time for me. Plus, later, as the years passed, I even started to think about what would happen if you got married. How was my little same bed plan going to work then? Like, was your wife going to have her own room? So, even though I was trying to give you some space, you know, cut out all the touching stuff, I couldn't. I was too afraid if I did someone else would take you away from me. It sounds so ridiculous to be saying this out loud, but it didn't SEEM insane. Not in my head anyway." "At least you're in good company," He laughs. "It wouldn't really do for only one of us to be crazy would it?" "No, not at all. That way if we ever get locked up, at least we'll be together." "At least now I know it'll never happen," flipping back to serious. I nuzzle his neck. "Never, not in a million years - remember?" "Yeah, Carrots," kissing the top of my head. "I remember." "So what did you mean about knowing something was coming?" "Well like you said I felt those moments too, and after awhile I started to notice you seemed to be reacting to them the same way I was but you never did anything about it. I know it was unfair of me but I expected you to be the one to make the first move - that is, whenever I allowed myself to dream that something was actually going to happen between us. You never did though so I started to go back to thinking it was just my imagination," "I'm sorry," "No. It wasn't your responsibility. It had just as much to do with me. Anyway, it's okay now," I don't really think my agreement needs to be auditory so I kiss him gently. It's one of the rare occasions he breaks the silence first. "Care?" "Mmm," "Best Friends Forever?" He's holding his hand up. I disentangle mine and grasp his firmly. "Forever."