Date: Wed, 26 Mar 2003 17:33:07 -0600 From: Karla Schulz Subject: Carrots and Celery chapter 16 Well here's another chapter of Carrots and Celery. I hope you all enjoy it. Thanks to Ed for editing. --- Waking up on Sunday morning is an unpleasant experience. I start it off by making a series of grumpy noises over the fact that I'm awake at all, and then further grumpiness ensues when I discover, upon trying to move it around, that my left foot is asleep. I need to get up and go to the bathroom, but my stupid foot is asleep. I really hate it when this happens. Every stage of the asleep limb experience blows. The dead feeling, then the tingly, wobbly, trying to wake it up time. When you're trying to walk or whatever and it's your foot or leg, those first tingly steps are the worst. Sometimes my leg like buckles for some weird reason too, which I can't stand. It's all crap. But as you know, I'm a lucky guy. Much luckier than I deserve in fact, and Celery proves it once again by sliding down to the end of the bed almost immediately, beginning to rub my foot awake. "Good morning," I'm assuming he's been up for some time. Celery's not usually any more alive than I am when he first wakes up. "Hi, and thanks." He smiles sweetly. "All part of the loving boyfriend package." "The deluxe of course." "Why settle for second best?" "I knew there was a reason you picked me instead of Kyle." "That was cold, dude." "Yeah, and he wasn't even here to appreciate it. Damn." He kisses me, but promptly goes back to reviving my foot. "Why on earth are you so mean?" he asks, talking to my foot. I give my toe a wiggle. I'm getting there. "Years of practice." "Oh." "And also, your fine example." "Again, oh." "I think my foot's awake enough now." "Yeah? Good." He leans down and kisses it. Yep. It's definitely time for him to be back closer to my mouth. I sit up and put my hands on his shoulders, pulling him up closer to me. "I'm going to ignore that fact that they were recently on my foot, and ask you to please put your lips on mine now," he smiles. "More than happy to oblige." We're rather subdued yet again at breakfast (or in this case, brunch for you detail sticklers), but this time it's 'cause we're in an euphoric haze, not a moody, ungood one. The day goes well, and while I'm still mostly in the haze, Celery decides to go all serious business guy again. We're up in my room. "You ready to have a talk now?" "Mumph, do we have to?" "No, but just because we don't talk about it doesn't mean it won't be on our minds. It won't make it go away. Yesterday was bad enough, I'm afraid if we leave too long we'll fight for real. I don't want that. You?" "Of course I don't want that. It's just, I know we have to talk about Kaleb and stuff, but I don't even really know what's still bothering you. Or me." "Why don't we start with what you were talking to Kyle and Jonas about while I wasn't there." "Is that what's bothering you?" "Mostly." "Mostly? "As in almost but not quite entirely?" "Yes, thank-you, I know what the word means. I wasn't asking for a definition." "Really." "Well parried, but - mostly?" "I'm still also a little upset with myself over my loser possessiveness, and the dislike fuelled by jealously. But it's mainly the other thing. The, you were upset but you couldn't talk to me about it, mostly because I was the problem, thing. Not like ME, but you thought whatever you talked to them about would hurt me, right? That's what it was, wasn't it?" "I'd give that estimation a perfect 10." "Okay, so?" "I just, like, feel bad. About everything. You, Kaleb, me. I don't want him to like me like he does, but I also don't want him hurt, which he is. That's what I was getting around to with Kyle and Jonas. I have a friend who was hurt, but I can't really be there for him, 'cause it'll maybe or probably hurt the person I love." His eyes are all sad, surprised. "You CAN talk to Kaleb, comfort him, be there for him. That won't bother me," "You're such a liar." "Okay, it'll bother me, but not enough for you to not do it. A little yes, but like, that's okay. It's like, what is it like? Um, collateral damage? Maybe? It has to be done. For the greater good." "I can't do something knowing it'll hurt you," "Sure you can. If I'm asking you to, you can. It's a scary time, you know? You feel so violated, so useless. No one should go through that alone. And you got me through it like a pro. You're the best man for the job," "But how is this not going to just make things worse and more complicated for all concerned?" "It will make things more complicated, especially if he goes Florence Nightingale on you, but I still think you've gotta be there for him. I'll be okay, WE'LL be okay. We'll emerge stronger than we were before." He's teasing, Celery couldn't say something that cheesy and not be teasing, but it still makes me feel slightly better. But we're only talking very slightly here. I'm still acres away from what I'd call happy about the situation. It's not even just me and Celery I'm thinking about here, Kaleb is still somewhat in my mind. I really think this will make things worse for him too, in the long run. I just don't know what else there is to do. I'm back in needing to be hugged mode. Luckily, Celery knows. I guess he probably is too. "Comere, baby." It's one of those cling to him all night nights, and Celery lets me have my clingy way with him without protest or even very much moving around. I even slept good, which is a surprise. I'm still all confused and anxious about everything with Kaleb, but inspiration strikes during breakfast. "Hey!" I exclaim excitedly. Kyle, Jonas, and Celery all turn and look. "I know what we can do about Kaleb." "You do?" Celery asks, keeping his voice carefully neutral. "Yeah. Like, why don't we talk to him together? You and me by ourselves or Jonas too, either way. Then it's not a me and him alone thing," his eyes are serious-thought grey and his face is scrunched. "Maybe. You don't think he'd get overwhelmed?" "You three? Overwhelming? No. I mean, for the sane maybe." Thank-you for that sarcastic report, Tom. There isn't actually a Tom by the way, if you're confused. It just seemed newsy to me. That was Kyle. "Also, don't forget about Celery's lack of love for Kaleb." They're both just SO helpful. Celery scratches his head (after removing his hat), no solutions or rebuttals to the flaws they've pointed out in my once brilliant plan. "What if just me and Jonas tried some of the being there action?" This is my last ditch attempt here, don't make fun. "Making me the chaperone?" Jonas curls his lip with a mix of discomfort and scorn. "Please, Jonas," I beg, hands clasped. He looks at Celery, who's doing the impassive observer thing. "Give me something here, man," Jonas entreats. "Oh," Celery says, snapping out of it. "I don't mind. But I wouldn't mind if Carrots talked to Kaleb by himself either," he turns his attention to me. "I trust you. I know you won't do or even think about doing anything with him." He can be so difficult sometimes when he's being understanding. "Yeah, but that's only half the point. Sure, I won't do anything, and I don't really think Kaleb will either, but if it's not just me, there's less chance he'll get the wrong idea, get his hopes up, you know?" "I guess," Jonas is looking sort of lost, uncertain about the part he's being asked to play. Celery smiles at him. "We will be requesting your chaperone expertise," "Okay then." "Great! So we have a plan?" "It's one of your loser plans, but it's a plan." Again with the helpful from Kyle. So good to have him in my corner. "Thanks for that vote of confidence, bro. Really appreciate it," "You know you do," okay. Maybe a little in the all your advice and even praise to me is mean and sarcastic kind of way, but that's it. And that's just a sentimental value, I don't like change thing. "Whatever." Like I was going to say all that to him. Yeah right. We do the walking part together, but when we arrive, Celery goes off alone into the school, while Jonas and I linger by the doors, waiting for Kaleb. He shows up after only a few minutes, coming out of a car I don't recognize. Someone gets out with him. It's a guy, good looking as far as I can tell, tall and probably a few years older than us. But no more than a few. Nothing gross or scary. Not too old for him, if it's like that, which we of course all hope that it is. They're talking and smiling at each other, comfortable and having a good time. Good signs, right! Well, that's what it looks like at least. The comfortable fun having. They keep talking for awhile, and then hug tightly (another excellent sign!). The guy gets back in his car, waves out the window, and drives away. Kaleb starts to approach, and he sees us about half way. "Hey, guys," he says, smiling still. "Hey," I say. Jonas nods. Kaleb's obviously waiting for me to say something. "Brute squad?" I ask, grinning, meaning the guy. Also flipping back to what he said about bringing some people out of the closet for protection. Yeah, and brute squad's a Princess Bride thing. Who's surprised? He grins back, but shakes his head, "Not really. My brother Darren. He's in University at the moment, but he's taking a few days to do the loving support for the violated one thing." "Oh, that's nice of him." But boo to the just my brotherness. So much for the whole love connection dream. "Well, we're pretty close. He's the only one in my family I have that with actually." I don't know what to say. There's so much I don't know about Kaleb. We're all sort awkwardly lost for words, until Kaleb decides to press on. "So like, I'm covered, you know? Thanks for the gesture or whatever, chaperoned or not, but I'm really okay. I was afraid you were going to have a crisis of conscience about the whole thing, and I'm glad you figured out a way to sort of make it work for yourself, but there's no need. I really, truly appreciate it, but I'm good. Darren's playing the caring supportive one really well," "I'm still your friend," I say sort of helplessly. "I know, but you've got to be my friend from afar for now. It's really the best thing you can do for me." "Okay, I mean, if it's what you want." "What I want isn't coming into play here. This is more of a what I need deal." I can't not do it, I have to. I hug him. Very platonically, but still with arms and contact and all that. He stiffens at first but then hugs me back, letting go quickly though. "What part of the giving me space plan didn't you understand?" he teases. Jokes instead of being serious, half quotes instead of your own words. So much like me. But, I don't dwell on the sad, I just laugh. "Sorry." He rolls his eyes. I guess we're making the sorry thing into a joke now. "Let's not even go there. You should be going though, huh?" he mostly suggests, after catching a look from Jonas, I'm guessing. I nod. "Yeah, you're really okay?" "For sure." "Alright. But I'm here, we're here, if you need, uh, us." "I know. Thanks again," I nod and then me and Jonas leave. "Well chaperoned," I say to Jonas as he practically drags me away, Celery bound. "I don't much like the guy myself, I have to admit." This is basically him excusing his rather rude behavior. "Why not?" Am I like the only one here who likes Kaleb? "I'm sure his brother likes him. I only dislike him because I don't trust people who find you attractive." "You're too funny. And nice try, what's the real reason?" "Same one Celery has, I guess. I don't want him to mess things up for you, and he keeps doing stuff that does. I know he always has like a cute reason or excuse for dropping bomb after bomb, but I still think he knows what he's doing, that he's less innocent about all this than he claims. Of course, let's all remember I'm the cynical, untrusting one. Why should you listen to me?" " 'Cause you're my friend, and you obviously care and want the best for me and Celery. Your desire to look out for Celery rockets you into my best books always, you know? I'm glad you're around, saying what you think. I may not totally agree, but I don't think you're completely off either. Either way, I know what's motivating you, so it doesn't upset me. You're just being a good friend," "Thanks," he says, smiling gratefully. "Any time." "I just couldn't bear it if something hurt you guys. You're the bright light at the end of the dark depressing tunnel of life. My 'yes, it really CAN work' poster children. You give me hope in sad and dreary world." "Wow. Here I was, thinking you were a happy, chipper guy." "Nope. I'm as freakish and complex ridden as the rest of the human race. I just tend to be a little more calm and deadpan about it. It helps project an image of tranquility." "How much of this is a joke?" he smiles. "Worry not. Almost all of it. And the rest is normal, natural, everyone's got it stuff. No cause for alarm." " 'Cause you can talk to us if something's bothering you," "I'm fully aware of that, I assure you. I'm really fine." I obviously don't look convinced, so he repeats himself. "Really. FINE." "Fine is the same as bad," he makes a mock annoyed sound in his throat. "Arrgh! Then I'm great and fantastic. Satisfied?" It's his grin that does most of the satisfying, but yeah, I am. "Yep." "Good. Can we find Celery now?" I nod. We find him, working out (without his trusty spotter!!!) in the weight room. I guess he just had to do some stress burning. "Hey," I say, kissing his sweaty self. I don't even know why our school HAS a weight room, Celery and like two other guys - and that's very rarely - are the only ones ever use it. It's nice for him though, so I shouldn't complain. "Hey. How'd it go with Kaleb?" "Good. Sort of. In the sense that he's okay and taken care of. I was sort of relieved from my duties as supportive friend guy. His brother's taking care of him." "His brother?" "Yeah, he's older. In University, but they're having a bond. And I'm sure he's much nicer than Kyle, so I think he's going to be okay." "You keep coming up with these very nasty things about Kyle when he's not even around to appreciate them." "But on the bright side, he's also not around to come up with a comeback or just start beating my ass." "There's a silver lining to every rain cloud." "I demand my chaperone credit. I stopped him from mauling Carrots repeatedly," says Jonas, probably having gotten a little tired of fading into the background. Luckily for Jonas, Celery takes it well and laughs. If he'd gotten upset, I would have been pissed off. Jonas gives me a private smile of acknowledgement, which is enough to get him fully back into my good graces, and I smile back. Celery keeps right on 'feeling the burn', barely paying attention. He's back like 'in the zone' or whatever. Lunch is happening, and we're in sitting in the caf with the guys, sharing a chair (by now, we're masters of the one chair lean back thing). The guys all on their own chairs. Personally, I think they're missing out, but hey, no one listens to me anyway. It's all pretty quiet, what with the eating, but upon finishing his sandwich Celery asks, "You know what?" "No. What?" "I think it's high time we had another John Hughes marathon." Translation, I think it's high time we spent some time just the two of us. Snuggling on the couch with the hottest, sweetest guy on the planet, watching the finest in 80's cinema? What sensible person would say no to that? "I'm right there with you on that plan. Saturday?" He nods, happier than most people usually tend to be about spending the day watching 16 Candles, Pretty in Pink, and other fine John Hughes films. But hey, he gets to hang out with me while he's doing it. Who wouldn't be excited. "You guys are freaks," not Jonas apparently. "Thanks a lot. You're such nice and supportive friend. We really appreciate it." "Honesty is a feature you SHOULD appreciate in your friends," wow. Alex speaks. And it was an insult, sort of. It makes me happy. I like to see him and Brian involved at least slightly, even if it's only at lunch. I don't want to ever forget how great and supportive they've been about our rampant homosexuality. Like, how many 17 year old straight guys would be cool with having two of their male friends sit on each other's lap and kiss at their lunch table in the middle of their school cafeteria? Not many. I know they probably take heat for hanging out with us too, but they've never once complained or even mentioned it. In truth, they're much better friends then we've really earned, but like, hopefully they know we do care, even if we're distant, random, and confusing most of the time. After I'm leaving my first class that afternoon, someone grabs my elbow. "Can I talk to you for a minute, minus the chaperone?" asks the elbow grabber, who happens to be Kaleb. He looks all worried-determined, plus, the bruising, so I nod. We find an unpopulated alcove. "There's something I need to say to you, and this time I think it'll actually help matters," let's hope so. I don't think I can handle any more complications. "Okay," he takes one of those, 'throw yourself over the cliff' breaths, and then looks me squarely in the eyes. "I know I can't have you. Celery could DIE and I still wouldn't be able to have you. And, because I know that, I've really got to stop trying. I never meant to be trying, whenever we were around each other, but I think it still ended up happening. So, that's stopping. I know this may not be a huge change for you, considering we don't really talk or have much contact now as it is, but maybe it'll give you - and Celery - some peace of mind. You can know now I've taken the conscious step to go into getting over you mode, and that I won't be creepily pining for you or like staring longingly at you all the time when you're not looking," my surprise comes out in my eyes. He grins. "That was pissing Celery off, wasn't it?" Okay, how did he know that? "I'm a smart guy. And I think I understand yours pretty well. He's like, one of my kind or something. Anyway, was I right? Is this good?" I actually find myself smiling. "Yeah, I mean, I hope it's good for you as well as me." "It is." He's confident, firm, looks to be truthful. It's like this major lift to my day. I'm happy for him, for me, for Celery! No more guilt and badness! This is wonderful! I'm so excited, I do something really stupid. I hug him. For the second time in one day. I am SO good at not sending mixed signals. Like, I deserve a medal or something. We both jump away, like it hurt to be touching each other, like the other's skin was on fire. Then, keeping up with all the synchronisation fun, we both look guiltily at the floor. "Sorry," I mumble. "Uh, don't worry about it. It's just..." let me finish his sentence for you: that was a different kind of hug. "I know, it wasn't like." "You were happy, excited. I was really just there." "That's not." "Sure it is," he smiles. "But I'm getting over you, remember? True, this would definitely qualify as a minor setback, but I plan to overcome. I want to love someone who's at least capable of loving me back. We all know that isn't you, so... it's really more than time I let this particular dream go. Regardless of the fact that you can't stop hugging me." "I'm really happy for you," I say it, because I am. "And that means a lot. I'm happy you're happy and all that stuff. But like, this is getting kind of suspicious and secret agentish, and we should really be getting to class." "Yeah, you're right. Okay, so, like, bye?" "Catch you on the flip side, man." It's a good exit. Decisive, no looking back. It has all the qualities of an event which should be followed by big letters proclaiming THE END and then credits. What really happens is I wait a few seconds and then start walking to my own class, emotions mixing again, happy for Kaleb, but somewhat sad as well. We'll never really be friends, I guess I know that now, and that's a shame. 'Cause, well, despite everything, all the weirdness, I still really like Kaleb. I always will. Celery's at my locker at the end of the day, which is less common these days. He looks troubled, and his eyes are so stormy you'd think the world was about to end. But me, with the good news, so maybe I can cheer him up. First I have to figure out what's wrong, of course. "What's the matter, love?" It's the first time he looks fully at me. Whoa. That's not a very fun look. What's that? Anger? Definitely sadness, possibly even something like betrayal - what the hell is going on? "Celery?" "If you honestly like him, you can tell me. You don't have to go hugging him in alcoves!" "What?!" "I saw you," he's 100% miserable now. I'm having no trouble deciphering that emotion. "Who?" I'm a bit too stunned to do any manner of putting two and two together. I'd probably end up with 63 if I did. "You, and Kaleb!" What is this? A fucking Soap Opera! That kind of shit isn't supposed to happen in real life! "We were just, it was like, good bye. He had just told me he was like, making the decision to really actively try to get over me, and he was all happy about that. It was just such great news, and I knew you'd be happy about it too, I just like got excited and then, hugged him. It wasn't a thing, there was no, you know, feeling." He closes his eyes, rubbing them and inhaling deeply. "Really?" "Really." As solid and firm as you can be about anything. Opening his eyes again, he's haggard but relieved. "I'm sorry I freaked out. I said I trusted you and I do, I don't know how I even let myself start to believe what I was saying." "It's okay," I really don't care about anything but making him certain that I love him again. Nothing else matters but that. "Is it?" "I think so, yeah. Finally." He's weak and worn out like you are after you've been crying for hours or having a huge rage at someone, but he's smiling faintly. Since I seem to be in such a hugging mood today, I figure I should get with the hugging of the person who really deserves it. As hugs go, this is one of our best ones. And I've already told you what an amazing hugger Celery is all the time, so hopefully that will help you appreciate how truly outstanding this one was. "I love you so much." "Me too, baby." Can you believe the stuff we get away with in the middle of a highschool? THE END (Relax! Just of part one!)