Date: Sat, 15 Mar 2003 19:23:43 -0600 From: Karla Schulz Subject: Carrots and Celery Chapter 15 We're all just sitting, having lunch, the regular five, and I'm sitting happily on Celery's lap when I feel his arms go rigid around me. I roll my head back onto his shoulder and look at him. "What's wrong? You've got that bad taste in the mouth look on your face." He lets go and I slide over onto my own chair. I keep looking at him, but straight across now, not upside down. He sighs. "I can't help it. I know it's stupid but I can't help it. I don't like him." "Who?" I ask with genuine confusion. He nods in the direction of a table occupied, among others, by Kaleb. "Why not?" Still with the genuine confusion. Celery makes a `why do you think' pssft sound. I half shrug in acknowledgement. The non-verbal equivalent to `yeah, okay'. "He's not going to do anything." "It's what he's already doing." "What's he already doing?" Celery makes a sad little noise. "Looking at you." I do the sort of `so what?' weird laugh-cough of astonishment thing. Celery struggles to express his thoughts. "He just has to be around, looking at you - liking you and looking at you, and that's enough." "I'm happy to see you've gotten over your worry about being possessive." I say dryly with just a pinch of sarcasm. "I know, I know. It's awful of me. Really grease burger. I should feel sorry for him - and I do - it's just, he looks at you. YOU. And I don't like it. Or him." I stroke the top of his hand reassuringly. "If he's been looking, I haven't noticed. Not once. I'm not saying he hasn't been looking, if you say so I believe you, but it's not something I've been aware of in anyway. Do you understand why that's important? It's only your looking at me I notice or care about. Okay?" He smiles. "Yeah." "But you still don't like him right?" Celery laughs. "Never could get a thing past you." "Except the fact that you were totally in love with him. That you got past him for years," Jonas interrupts our nice moment. But we have to shrug `you have us there' shrugs. Honour dictates. Bet you thought I didn't have honour, well I do. Lots of it. That's right. I reek of honour. "Yeah, cept that." Now that the after school fun includes three to four people, we all just sort of meet up at my house whenever. Mostly Celery, Jonas and I all walk home together, but it doesn't always go down like that, and when it doesn't nobody really worries too much about it. For that reason, it is a very unworried me that strolls into the kitchen that afternoon, where Jonas and Kyle already have their books spread out and are studiously ignoring them in favour of talking to each other. "Dudes," I say, smiling. I mean, they didn't start making out on my arrival, so that's gotta be a good sign right? "Where's my dude?" They shake their heads at me with identical `we're sorry, that request does not compute, please try again - idiot' looks of their faces. "Some people have no sense of humour," I say, plunking down my bag and myself. Kyle's nodding approvingly. "Admitting you have a problem is the first step towards recovery." "Ha, ha, ha." I say flatly. "Now seriously, where is he?" They shrug. "How should WE know? You're the one who's joined to his hip," Jonas replies hottily. "Well exactly! So where is he, and why isn't he joined to my hip?" Just like me, a little panic already sneaking it's way into my voice. "Who?" You know, I never did get around to putting coins or some other noisy something in his pockets. "Nobody," I say, craning my neck to meet his kiss. "It's like a minute after four," Celery says, laughing and seeing right through me. "Don't tell me you were starting to get worried already?" I frown, and in a very babyish voice say, "I worry." He smiles. "I know, but you don't have to. I can take care of myself," tactfully, no one mentions the incident with Brendan and friends, but I guess Celery knew it was in my mind because he gives my shoulder a squeeze and then a pat before he sits down. We're all quiet for awhile. You know what they say, the physical scars heal way before the emotional ones do. I'm sort of mellow for the rest night, related and un to the after school reminder. I ask Celery to stay, and for once he doesn't resist. If you're wondering how Celery just up and sleeps over whenever without ever going back to the house for like clothes or whatever, here's the answer. I have a dresser, and my clothes take up three drawers. The other two belong to Celery. My room and bathroom are totally Celery ready, at all times. He has his own toothbrush and everything. When going to bed, we share a kiss and exchange I love you's, but nothing more. You remember, the mellow? And anyway, we haven't like turned into sex crazed beasts or anything. We still love just being together, holding hands, kissing, lying beside each other. None of that's changed, well, no that's not true. It's improved. It's become more meaningful, deeper. Because of the `your body is my body' thing. I've explained that. You probably skimmed through it, you lazy person. But I ask you, is that my fault? No it is not. So if you're confused, that's your problem. I'm all out of the mellow mood in the morning, and Celery notices right away. I think waking up to find me straddling his torso was Celery's first clue. Or maybe it was the rampant lust in my eyes. I can't be sure. "Hey there," He says invitingly. "Hey," I reply, already kissing him. Breakfast is short and sweet, but not because of the waffles I ate. Not those boxed grocery store bought waffles mind you. Bringing non-bakery baked goods into this house is like a crime punishable by death. Or, at the very least, serious maiming. My spotter duties and the first two morning classes pass with similar ease, and all is going well until break when I notice Kaleb's sporting the nastiest set of facial bruises I've seen since that thing I've been trying really hard to forget. You know, the really bad one involving the love of my life. Got me? Good. I race over to him, trying not to think about what I'm trying not to believe happened to him. "Oh god Kaleb, what happened to you?" I whisper, reaching out to touch his face as worries, doubts and irrational fears threaten to short-circuit my brain. He shrugs. "Some people don't like us fags Care, no matter how liberal this school claims to be." "So it was a gay bashing?" I hear myself whisper. He looks confused. "Well yeah, I certainly didn't call up a bunch of guys and ask them if they wanted to `take this outside' or whatever." He cocks his head at me, and then his eyes roll back in his head. "Don't tell me you thought Celery did this to me!" He exclaims, almost laughing, except he sounds too shocked. "I didn't, really. In my head, and in my heart, I knew he could never have done something like this - not in a million, billion years. But there's this insane part of me that doesn't listen to either one of those things, I think it may be located somewhere in my intestines." "Well don't worry. Let the insanity go dormant once more, it wasn't him. I swear," "You don't have to. I know he didn't do it. Even if you told me he did, I wouldn't believe you," I'm telling him, but really, it's for me. I'm celebrating with myself the restoration of my faith in Celery. It was a pretty short-lived slip, but definitely something I want to put behind me. The only reason that tiny insane part of me even had those kinds of thoughts at all is because of the I don't like him talk we had and his lateness yesterday afternoon. I know, circumstantial evidence at best, but this is me and my insanity we're talking about. Not really one of those `we check, and recheck' kind of things. "But anyway, this isn't my crisis. Are you okay?" "I'll be fine. The bad guys will be punished, and I'll try to recruit some big friends to protect me. There's this burly lacrosse player I think I might be able to lure from the closet," I laugh. "You're pure evil." "That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me." "When have I ever been less than nice to you?" His face goes serious. "You've always been nice. Nicer than I'm used to. Maybe that's why I'm a little in love with you," I sway a bit, like you do when you're light headed or suffering from blood loss. I didn't just hear him say that that did I? I look at him fearfully, and he shakes his head. "Not fair of me I know, but hey, I'm injured. I'm just demanding my share of the slack cutting given to victims I've heard so much about. I hope this doesn't complicate your life too much. I thought after the party, with the way you've been in avoidance overdrive you already knew, but going by the look on your face I'm thinking it's a surprise. It's just a little. It's not total and it's not hopeless. I'm sure I'll live to love another, you don't have to feel guilty about it. In fact, make this your `is there anything I can do to help?' task. You could even be happy. It's good to be loved isn't it?" I can't think of a single thing to say or do, so I neither speak nor move. I don't think he realizes how much, but Jonas saves me. "SV, we've got a class," I let myself be led away, and as the distance between us and Kaleb grows I hear him pleading, "Don't feel guilty Carrots!" "So, what the hell was that?" Jonas demands after he's dragged me into the empty landing of the set of stairs leading to our next class. I tell him everything in one long disjointed breath. Jonas goes slightly white. "This is more serious that I thought." "You can fucking say that again." I'm still weak from it, and my voice reflected that. "He really said he loves you?" I nod, wishing what I felt was as pleasant as miserable. "I can't really believe it. I feel so horrible for him," Jonas looks alarmed. "You can't be going there dude. I mean, I feel bad for the guy too, but Celery's the one you've got to be thinking about here. Someone else is in love with you - that's like his worst fear. To make matters worse, this is someone you get along with, someone funny and great looking. He's all ready been pretty worried about the whole Kaleb situation, and I can't think of anything that could shake him up more at this point. I don't even know it you should tell him." "Of course I should tell him! I tell him everything," "For almost 11 years you didn't tell him you loved him," Jonas reminds me sharply. "And that was something good. This could damage him in bad and permanent ways." "Lying to him won't?" "You don't have to lie - just don't mention it." "I am the king at lies of omission," I say, sighing. Jonas brushes his hand nervously over his hair, gathering up a bunch of dreads, and then gives his head a shake, trying to kick some of the rogue ones out of his eyes. Doesn't really work. "Look, I don't know. Maybe you should tell him. I'm not really the right guy to be giving you advice on this. I'm not the trusting type. I don't really get how you guys can put so much faith in each other without existing in a constant state of being scared shitless. You know him way better than me, and if you think he'd be okay, then you should tell him." "I don't know how he'll react. I'm half afraid he'll wish us lots of luck and kiss me good bye." Jonas rolls his eyes. "You can't believe he'd give you up that easily." "If he thought it was what would make me happy, yes I do." "Well yeah, that's true, but not before he'd first put up a hell of a fight. He loves you more than himself - anyone can see that - but his own happiness does matter to him somewhat. Neither of you are totally selfless. Let's say you went to him and said you had some feelings for Kaleb - it'd take more than that for Celery to give up on you. He'd try to help you work out your feelings, see if he could win you back if he felt he'd lost you, do just about anything he could think of to keep you, and THEN after all that if he really believed you were happier with Kaleb or anyone else for that matter, he'd let you go. But never before." My minds reeling, and I still don't have much to say. `We're majorly late for class," I say, cause it's true, and cause it's all I could manage right now. Jonas nods slowly, he's knows that I need time to think. "You're right," It's a good thing we just get a reading assignment and are told to 'get on it' cause my heads far from the classroom. Staring at my book with pen in hand, I'm able to think. I decide the best way to figure out how Celery might react to this news is to put myself in his shoes. I think we love each other equally, so my imagined feelings should be pretty close to his potential ones. I think about what Jonas said. For me, it would be exactly like that. If Celery said he was interested in someone else, I'd fight for him, tooth and nail, but after all my attempts, if I truly believed he'd be happier without me, I'd wish him all the best and let him go. I also believe that's how Celery would react. Of course, I'm NOT interested in Kaleb, and that's cosmically important to remember. This is a one sided thing. His love is as unrequited as it gets. Because Celery's always been so adamant about not even being attracted to other people, I don't really think the idea that someone else was interested in him would cause me to worry that much. My fears have historically stemmed from the idea we love each other too much, never not enough. But, then again, I am insane. I probably would freak out. I'm just like that. Celery's isn't. At least not outwardly so. His panicking will be internal, probably making it more dangerous. I'm more of a verbal freaker, which is easier to spot. I am afraid he'll start to doubt himself. That's the kind of thing he'd do. He's probably already thinking along the lines of Kaleb being better than him (like that's true), and I've certainly seen him be the 'I'm not good enough for you' guy on more than one occasion. I know for sure he'll feel really sorry for Kaleb, and the disliking is also bound to increase. I mean, LOVING me and looking at me has to be worse than just liking me. Or maybe he'll feel so bad it'll erase the bad thoughts. I can see that happening. I'm just not sure. I have decided to tell him though. That's progress of some kind I guess. Yep, I'm gonna tell him, I just don't know when. I'm still nervous after school, and stumble a lot on the pre calculus Celery's trying to walk me through as a result. Jonas and Kyle clear out pretty quick, giving us time to talk before dinner. Jonas cause he knows what's bothering me, and Kyle just because he could see something is. Celery too it seems. "What's wrong?" he asks bluntly. Since I have to tell him sometime, it might as well be now. `There's no time like the present' can't be such a common phrase for nothing right? "It's um, well, Kaleb. We were talking today - cause he got beat up, did you see?" He nods. "Yeah, so I went up to him to see what happened and stuff, and we started talking. He told me, that um, he said he, well, only a little but that he -" "I know." "What?" "I know. "What do you know?" "That Kaleb is in love with you." Colour me flabbergasted. "How did you know that?" He shrugs. "I watch him watch you. I see the look in his eyes. I look at Kaleb, and I see myself. How I must look when I looking at you. It's been there for awhile. Before the party. Maybe that's why I let seeing you two together get to me." "So you know?" He smiles at my lingering disbelief. "I think we've established that, yes." "And you're okay with it?" "No less okay with it than I was the last time we talked abut him. I still can't help but dislike him for stupid jealous reasons, and I still feel really bad for him. I don't need to try to imagine what's it's like loving you and not feeling it back. I know. It was brutal, and I had some hope. Not much, but more than Kaleb must know he has." I'm awash with guilt. For Kaleb now, and for Celery then. "I don't understand you people," I mutter. I've said it before, and I'll say it again - what's so special about me?! "We're a strange breed alright." Celery kisses me ever so softly. "Don't be too hard on yourself about this, okay? I'm sure that isn't what Kaleb wants. I sort of wish he hadn't told you, cause it's obviously upsetting you, but I guess he had his reasons. It'll be okay. He'll get over you - you're not that great," I smile, grateful for his joke more so than amused by it. "I can't be - if you're the best I can do." "And I'm only with you out of pity." I roll my eyes. He smiles. "I get my terrific sense of humour from you, you know? You brought this upon yourself." Gotta love those can't help but smile moments. "You're a menace." "I know." I want his arms around me, so I snuggle up to his chest. "I love you." I've gotten my wish. "I love you too. Nothing and no one's ever going to change that." Even though it's Saturday, Jonas shows up in the morning, and we talk while I eat. Celery's still asleep. Beauty rest and all that good stuff. What we talk about is mostly Kaleb stuff. I'm still weirded by that. Like, I'm counting my freakishly lucky stars continuously that Celery is handling it all so calmly, but there's still stuff I need to vent. Stuff I'd sort of rather spare him. Kyle's also around, but he's not commenting much. Jonas isn't either, really. It's pretty much all me. I've just been talking, rambling, whatever, working through some other stuff, and here's where I've gotten to now, "I feel bad that amongst all the love business we've all sort of forgotten about the fact that Kaleb got bashed." "Yeah, I also have feelings of badness about that," Jonas says, holding up a hand in guilty agreement. Kyle shrugs. "Nobody told me he got beat up." "He did, pretty bad. That's how this all got started in the first place." "He loves you cause he got beat up?" Yeah Kyle. "No. That's how I started talking to him. Cause I saw his face, which is all fucked with, and I wanted to see if he was okay and stuff." "Oh." He takes a minute to get all bummed and grumpy looking. "That really sucks. What happened to that school? When I went there it was better than it sounds like it is now, and that was like in the dark ages." I shake my head. "I think it's just a like a select few idiots. By and large people are pretty cool." "Very Osmonds. Way to not let a few bad apples spoil the whole bunch," "Finish that lyric with `girl' and I kill you." I warn Kyle. He smiles. "Fine." I sigh, getting back to Kaleb thoughts. "And the thing is, I don't know how to be there for him without, you know, like," "Being there in the encouraging, leading Kaleb on, making Celery jealous and insecure way?" Way to spell it Jonas. Oh, and try to be a little more blunt. But also, yeah. "Pretty much." There's silence. "I've got nothing." "Also, with the nothing for me." Kyle adds, ever Jonas's partner in crime. "This has been such a big help." "We do what we can." "And you do it so well." "Hey people," It never ends with the sneaking up on me and the scaring! But there's no denying that I'm always happy to see my boy. No matter what the circumstances. "Hey Cel," I say, customary kiss to follow. It's a bit cool, but that was sort of expected. Things are still a bit weird about Kaleb and all. "Hi," He sits down. "Still in love?" He asks Jonas and Kyle. They shrug. "Not so much." That's a surprise. I didn't think they'd had nearly enough fun with that one. "How come?" "Jonas left me for the twins," "Dudes!" I say, almost, but not quite, speechless from the grossness. "Just trying to make you smile brother," I glare. "That's no way to try." "Why do you need to be made to smile?" Celery asks, running his hand up my arm. Thanks a lot Kyle. "It's just side effects of over exposure to Kyle. That's all," He frowns. "It's not, but we'll talk about it later. I can guess, and I think that's more of a just us conversation. No offence guys, but there's bound to be like really gay kissing and stuff once we're into the `over it' stage, and I know you don't really want to witness that." "We could be like not here if you wanted," Kyle says, in a very `whatever helps' way. "No that's fine. You stay." It is sort of weird though, I mean, that they're here at all. Kyle's been going to parties way less since the introduction of Jonas, but he's still hardly ever around on Saturdays. As far as Jonas goes, I think this is like the first time ever he's been around on one. Not that I mind really, especially on day like today, with the edgy moods Celery and I are both in. I'm thinking buffers will be a good thing. And like, that's not all they're good for, they're also like, fun and stuff. "Cause, it's not really even that we mind about that sort of thing," Kyle says suddenly. "It's just, I'm still hurting over the break-up with Jonas, and could kind of do without the reminder," There! You see? Fun. The scarring, gross kind of fun, but still, fun. I still give him a dirty look though. I wonder a bit about what we're going to do, but an idea comes to me pretty quick. "You know what I'd really like to do," I ask, cause, I bet they don't. "No, what?" "Watch Cartoons. It's been like years since I've done that," My suggestion is met with unanimous grins. "That may be the best idea you've had in years," Kyle congratulates me, already getting up and heading for the doorway. We all follow suit. Riding the nostalgia wave, we settle in for all the best in today's children's programming. Not just cartoons either, really hilariously cheesy shows like "Just Deal" and "Sabrina the teenage Witch" (who knew that show what still on?). Plus all the greats like "X-Men" and Spiderman. I don't understand why we didn't start doing this sooner. It's like way fun. Accommodating Kyle and Jonas always takes come manoeuvring, or at least, some adjusting, since we can't really sprawl out on the whole couch when there are two other people around. Usually what we do is Celery sits far back on the end of the couch and I snuggle in between his legs. That way there's lots of room for Kyle to sit on the couch and Jonas'll usually take the armchair. Other times we go all four on the couch. Today it's different. Kyle's on the opposite end of Celery, Jonas is on the air chair, but I'm not cozzied in between Celery. I'm sitting beside him. We're holding hands, but only sort of. Like, there's basically two ways to hold hands, right? You can do the interlocking fingers thing (my personal favourite) or the palm to palm, fingers around other persons hand thing. Do you know what I mean? I hope so. Cause I really can't think of any other way to describe it, so it's that or nothing. To me, palm to palm is way less personal, less intimate. But now's not really a time for interlocking fingers. It's not that we're mad at each other - that can't even happen. We're just not RIGHT with each other. It's like we're out of balance or harmony or something. But anyway, it's already sort of better than it started out. Like he squeezed my hand a couple times during "Student Bodies" and he's been rubbing my hand with his thumb a little bit. "We need to be getting outside," Jonas says, rubbing his eyes. I have to agree, we've watched like 4 or five shows, that's more than enough. I've satisfied my craving for a remembering simpler times fix. "All in favour?" Before we can say anything, Kyle continues, "Motion carried!" I grin. "Nicely done." "I thought you'd like it. So out? Where," "Who wants to go skating?" Celery says really over enthusiastically on purpose, knowing it's only him. Maybe me a little bit, but not really today. "You could go," "No." Pause. "On second thought, yeah, go do that. Take your time," "Jonas!" I exclaim happily. He smiles. "I have watched Buffy before you know. Spike is very cool," "Except not so much now that he likes Buffy," I feel obligated to add. He nods. "Very true." "That's from the one when he's dating Harmony right?" Celery asks. "Yep, that one's good, but the best line of the episode has got to be the one Spike says about Sunnydale being the place that had seen some," Together we say, "Truly spectacular kickings of his ass!" And then laugh. We smile. It's one of those lock in moments, just him and me, when everything else is static and blur. He leans over, taking my face in hand, and kisses me softly. I sigh happily once the kiss is over. We're right again. My amount of relief and happiness is immense, and it's only then that I realize how much even that little bit of discord between us upset me. "I'm sorry," he whispers. "I'm sorry too, though I'm not sure either of us has anything to be sorry for." "What's all this about?" Kyle asks. "Never mind." Celery says, gently, to Kyle and me, so I won't explain and Kyle won't press. "We were planning to go out earlier weren't we?" Jonas says, helpfully trying to move things along. "Indeed we were, any ideas?" "I came up with the cartoon idea, I've contributed enough." "Skating," Celery says kiddingly. Jonas just shrugs. "So that's a big no all around. It's down to me then I guess. Hmmm," Kyle adopts a look of great concentration for a few moments and then nods. "Never fear, Kyle the king of fun is here. I have the solution to our so much Saturday, so little to do dilemma. We'll go to the beach," "Dude it's like not even June yet." "So?" "So the waters going to be freaking cold," "Don't be a wuss," "Don't be insane." "If anything, I'm saner than you. I thought you'd be down with the idea." "You actually want to swim in May," "We don't have to swim necessarily, just hang out." "Hang out?" "Yeah, play Frisbee and stuff," "Kyle, when have you EVER played Frisbee, in your entire life?" "Hey man, I'm like the Frisbee master." "Sure you are." "Alright boys, that's enough. I think a nice drive to grand beach in the Le Baron, with Frisbee fun to follow is a great idea. It's sure beats hearing you two argue about it. Jonas, are you with me?" "Damn right. Let's be blowing this Popsicle stand." I may very well be doomed for a life of being dragged places in the Le Baron I don't think I want to go but where I end up having a great time at. Yes, though I'll never publicly admit it, the beach was lots of fun. The near emptiness was a big selling point. So was the big slam city Frisbee jam. We did it sort of 21, DONKEY style. You have no idea what I'm talking about do you? I don't know why I'm surprised. You do know about 21 don't you? Like, as in the basketball game? Not all people play this way maybe, but every time you miss you get a letter, that's the DONKEY part. Well, we did the same thing, except there was no basketball. Remember, we were playing Frisbee? Sheesh. Okay, so every time someone missed a throw, they got a letter, and if you eventually spelled the whole word, you had to go out into the water in up to your waist, and stay there for 30 seconds. Pants wearing optional. That sucked for me, cause I have like zero hand eye co-ordination, and I nearly froze my ass off when I had to go in. Luckily, it was pretty sunny, so I dried fast. Celery was really sweet and loving to me once I got out and was all blue and freezing, but like, thanks a lot. Be nice to me AFTER all your killer throws land me up to my waist in a frigid lake. Some boyfriend he is. Anyway, Kyle had to go in too so at least someone else shared in my pain. Crappiness at sports basically runs in the family, cept the twins. But I'm still not totally sure they're really ours. You never know. My mom could have had an affair with some random organic flour delivery guy. That's right. It could have happened alright. All in all, it's cool to spend the day with Kyle and Jonas, and it really helps relax me and Celery. It like puts stuff back in perspective or whatever. Jonas kicks it before The Dark Corner, and Kyle goes with him. I don't know where they went, but I don't really care either. I mean, I'm sure they're having a good time. Just like we are. "Care," Celery says. We haven't talked in awhile. Cause of like, the fact that we've been watching TV. Though, that doesn't usually stop us. It's been a good silence though, nothing angry or uncomfortable. "Yeah?" "Do you remember what I said at breakfast?" He can be talking about only one thing. The bad thing. "Yeah, and I know we still need to talk about some stuff, but can we do it later? Like tomorrow or something? I'm having such a nice time, just being with you, I'm so at peace. I want to stay like that awhile longer, okay?" The way we always sit is very conducive to him kissing my head, and he does. "Sure baby."