Date: Wed, 05 Feb 2003 17:12:27 -0600 From: Karla Schulz Subject: Carrots and Celery Chapter Ten Yay! 10 chapters. That's two more than eight and one less than 11. Which makes it very special. Really it's just a chapter, like all the others, so I'm sorry if what I said back there tricked you into thinking it was something overly exciting. But on the bright side, I'm pretty sure it's not like, WORSE than any of the other chapters, so if you liked them (and if you didn't, why are you still reading, you silly person? Go find something else. Don't torture yourself) you'll probably like this one too. I hope. Anyway, remember Nick, wish him luck with all the studying and work he has to do this quarter, and then get with the reading. Oh yeah, and happy like Chinese New Year or whatever. It's the year of the Ram. I don't know what that means, but maybe it's something good. That would be nice. I don't know if it was the separation caused by yearbook or the whole Cherrie and Meghan thing or us finally being comfortable enough with the in love with each other part, but suddenly Celery and I - and maybe you've picked up on this - are like in total lust with each other. I mean, we've always be super physical, you know that, throughout all our friendship, and since we've been together in the new way the kissing, holding each other thing has been pretty intense, but this is something else. This is like extreme passion, desire. It's almost frenzied actually. We've always been all over each other, we've never really been able to keep our hands off each other, but there's a fire now that wasn't there before. I have to admit that the only change may very well be that I've finally caught up with Celery in what he's always been ready for, that maybe the only difference is I'm finally responding to a passion in him I wasn't ready to recognise before. But, WHY is less important than WHAT we're doing, now that I have. It's Saturday afternoon, our first Saturday together after the completion of the yearbook, and all the movies are finished. Sure, we made out through half of the last two of them, but still. I'm not exactly sure how, but we're not on the couch anymore, we're in my room. On my bed, specifically. In fact, I'm lying on my back, Celery's on his knees over top of me and my shirt's half unbuttoned. I'm really not sure how it happened, but then, it's a mysterious world we live in friends, very mysterious. I'm able to tell you this, because nothing's happening. Celery's sort of frozen over top of me, this half glazed over, half worried look in his eyes, the blue and grey battling it out hard core, his fingers around the third button from the bottom. "Cel?" I croak out, surprising myself by achieving even that. He loses some of the glazed look. "Too fast?" Big decision time again. I'm not even going to let myself go off on some insane rant about whether or not it suddenly being MY choice means Celery's like the guy trying not to rush his scared girlfriend. It's not a hard fight though - I'm seriously like floating away on waves of calm. We've trusted each other with our hearts, surely after something like that, sharing our bodies is less major? Besides, look at him, he's the hottest thing on earth! And he wants ME? Crazily enough he does, and the feeling is more than mutual. I smile, "Exactly the right amount of fast," His fingers start moving again and our lips meet once more... What? Are you still here? Go away! No. I'm not kidding, go on, get out of here. This is a private show. Shoo. --- Back again are you? Well I guess it's okay now. We're basically covered up. There's a sheet up to the middle of our torsos and we're lying on our backs, dozing and holding hands. Hmmm? How was it? Why should I tell you?! It's none of your business, remember? I'm not a tease! Insults will get you nowhere. Look, all you need to know is that even though it was one of the most exciting, beautiful and fulfilling experiences of my life, if it had been crap for me but still good for Celery that would have made me love it and vice versa. Don't you get it? What made it special, I mean REALLY special, is that we were both acting completely out of the desire to please the other person. It was an act of total surrender to each other. That's enough to have made it one of the most special moments we've ever shared, but I wouldn't say it was the greatest expression of our love or anything. It's far from the only way we can show that we love each other, anyway. I loved it and believe me when I say I want to do it again, and again, and again... (Let's not forget who we're talking about here, I'm like a freaking teenage guy!), but that doesn't mean I couldn't live without it. I only have to LOOK at Celery to feel like the luckiest thing on the planet, talking, chilling and being totally 'regular' with him is joy, and just being held by him, or kissing him, that's more than enough to keep me satisfied, and then some. But it was lovely, because it was us. We stayed true to the love we share, the friends and partners we've always been. It was just more of what we've always been. The same love and friendship in a new way. The same bond expressed differently, the same trust demonstrated in another form. We laughed. That's one of the things I'll always remember. Not because anything funny happened, just because there was SO much happiness in and around us during those moments that it was too much. It filled us up and then exploded out of us, way too much to attempt to contain. So we laughed and while we laughed we held each other, and it was beautiful. Beautiful, amazing, incredible. Definitely earth shattering. I mean, I didn't know it was possible to feel like that. But as truly astonishing as the experience was, it had everything to do with who I was with, not what he was doing. I could ramble on about this forever, and maybe you'd even sort of like me to, but I'd just end up repeating myself and falling short. To know how it was you really would have had to be there, and I hope you don't mind my saying I'm glad you weren't. No offence. But enough of that for now, Celery's waking up. "Hey," I whisper with all the love and adoration it's possible to convey in that one word. It's a lot. You'd be surprised. His smile matches mine before it starts to take on more of an evil grinish quality. "You didn't turn into a blood-sucking demon - kick-ass." That's my boy! A Buffy reference! I hug him. "You really know how to relax a guy," I say still squeezing. He begins petting my hair. "Pre-emptive strike again the possible freak-out," He wiggles back a bit, hands still on my shoulders, and peers into my eyes, "You okay?" Whatever fears that were starting to rise up in my generally irrational physce get banished (for the moment anyway) by his touch, his look, his loving and conscious presence. I smile, the same as before, trying to get as much love across as possible. "I'm not even in the same postal district as okay. Try unbelievable, incredible, outstanding, amazing. I think it's safe to say I've reached Nirvana," He kisses me. It's soft and tender, not the hungry passionate variety of before. It's good though, the perfect kiss for this moment. "This is it you know," Sure. Start off with a joke and then go all serious on me. What a dirty trick. "No trade-ins and return policies will apply," "No need to muster any enthusiasm or anything," "Sorry. A minor freak-out only," He's gone to petting my face now. "I love you more than it's possible even to feel. There's so much love for you in my heart I have to numb myself to some of it, or I might go crazy or something. I'm making it my life's work to see that you're happy - if there's ever anything you don't feel comfortable with we won't do it. I treat you this way because I love you, and because it's what I get from you. We both have ways of pushing, but neither of us would ever mean to push the other further than they were ready to go, right?" I nod. "We're equals in this, which is why it works, why it's going to keep working until, well, death. I know we've gotten insanely serious in what has technically been a very short relationship, but as long as you think about it as the result of a VERY long courtship, it really doesn't seem so sudden." Softly, he kisses my nose. "Freak-out over?" I smile. "Lucky for me you're a very smooth talker," "Lucky for you I'm insanely in love with you." He counters. "Is there even a point otherwise?" He shakes his head. "Not for me." "I love you too, insanely, madly, totally without reserve, always." We start to kiss again, not so gentle anymore. --- Celery stays Saturday night and Sunday too. We spend the time in exploration. We already knew each others minds so well and the goal was to reach such a level of understanding and harmony with our physical selves. By the time he leaves (at the very latest possible minute Sunday night) our bodies belong to the other like they do to ourselves. Maybe I can explain it this way: Sunday morning after brunch we were back in my room and when we sat down on the bed, without giving it a minutes thought, I reached over and took Celery's arm, placing it around my waist so I could snuggle up close. I didn't think a thing of it at the time and neither did he - it was what felt natural. Our minds have always been so in tune, we've spent years finishing off each others thoughts and sentences, understanding obscure jokes and interpreting looks. Now we're getting there with our bodies. Like for instance the thing I explained with the arm. If I hadn't, I'm sure Celery would have done the same thing a second later. It's just the one step ahead thing, now with our bodies as well as our minds. The connection is definitely deeper and that's SO wonderful, but he's gone now and I think you can guess what's happened. I mean, it doesn't exactly take a rocket scientist, right? I'm freaking out (a major freak-out this time). You see, there's this one tiny problem. This is ME we're talking about - of course there's a problem. But, like most of them it's mostly in my head. This mainly made up but still extremely vexing problem is that now we're even closer, MORE dependant on each other for absolutely everything. Seriously, short of food and shelter, Celery provides basically all my needs. I love my family, I have fun with my school friends, but Celery's the only person who I feel like if he died I would too. Like, I'm not saying I'd kill myself, but I think my bodily functions would simply shut down. My will to live I'd most certainly lose. It's a wonderful feeling being that close to someone when they're around and safe and healthy, but the mere IDEA of them being anything short of that is so terrifying if I even think about if for more than a few seconds before I push it out the fear will get so loud in my head I'll lose myself in it and someone would probably have to shake me or something to get me out of it. There's too great a sense of joy and peace left over from our time together for me to go completely under and I end up spending the evening partly full of that joy, partly going crazy missing him, and also still partly freaking out. It's the same delicious combination all over again when I wake up the next morning, but Celery's over especially early, burning everything but the manic joy of his presence out of my brain. As long as we're together I feel perfectly fine - well, way better than fine. As long as his arms are around me I feel perfectly secure, but when he's not with me the freaking out happens again. Near the end of the day in my last class (which I happen to sit next to Jonas in) I've finished all my work (it was just a core period anyway, so there wasn't much to do) and am staring off into space when Jonas suddenly turns to me saying, "You look upset," chances are that is entirely true. I'm upset, I probably look it. What I'm less sure of is whether or not I want to be talking to Jonas about it. My plan was to seek sarcastic and comfortingly routine advice from Kyle, let him bully me into talking to Celery about it, thus rectifying the situation in the traditional Carrots manner (you see, I may be insane, but at least I have the sense to know what to do about it). Nothing against Jonas, I like the guy, but we don't really talk. Not about personal stuff anyway. I'm not sure it would work or where to start or any of it. He sighs, "Okay, so this may have less than nothing to do with anything, and out of left field though it may very well be, can I offer you some advice?" "Sure," I say with a shrug. Jonas puts his hands on my shoulders, looking me squarely in the eye. It sort of reminds me of a Celery manoeuvre. "Join the rest of the world. Have friends, do stuff with them, be a normal adolescent." "I have friends! I have lots of friends. I mean - you're my friend," He sighs. "I'd like to be your friend. I'd like that a lot, but what I am right now is not your friend. I'm a friendly acquaintance. Someone you're nice to and sit with at lunch, but when have we ever done something beyond that? I've never been to your house, you've never been to mine. We've never seen a movie together or even seen each other period outside of school. I know what you like and what you think is funny but I don't know YOU. I'm new still sort of, so that's my excuse, but none of the other guys know you any better. Or if they do it's not cause you opened yourself up and shared with them or made any effort. You and Celery are so wrapped up in each other you don't even notice other people most of the time. It's cool for you but it sort of sucks for everyone else. What I'm not saying is that it's bad for you and Cel to be close, but you can be close to each other and with other people at the same time. I think if you gave it a try you'd find you can have more than one good friend. I don't want you to think I'm saying you're a snob either, it's not something you really do intentionally as far as I can tell. My advice, suggestion, whatever, is to put a little effort in towards having other friends, people you really care about, not just stand-ins for Celery or as a faceless mob you want to entertain." I don't say anything and he starts looking nervous. "Am I being a judgmental fuck? Was I totally off? Did I over step my bounds? Are you pissed off?" I smile, eventually. "No. It's... you're right I think. I mean like about everything. For someone who doesn't think he knows me you certainly seem to have me pretty well figured out," He grins. "That's because you're obvious and transparent," I tilt my head and smile ponderingly. "Is that it?" "That's it." "Okay then Jonas, since this was your brilliant idea, I've decided we're going to be friends. The proper kind like you said. But understand one thing, when I say 'we're going to be friends' I mean me, you and Celery," His smile is anything but surprised. "Well, obviously. Like I said, your closeness is awesome. I'm the last person who'd want to see you guys lose that. What I want is to improve your life even more." "So really, you're just trying to add more texture and flavour to the already rich tapestry that is my life," Jonas laughs. "That my friend, is EXACTLY what I'm trying to do." The bell rings not long after that and I promise Jonas that after I've talked to Celery I'll call him. Talking about Celery back there was a convenient way to segue into introducing the fact that he's standing by my locker right now, waiting for me as I approach. Because it's what I want to do for and for no other reason, I kiss him (or is maul a better word?). Maul over, I ask, "Hey, what's shakin' bacon?" He stares at me for awhile, probably formulating an array of witty remarks, but his final decision is to say nothing. "I don't even get a hello?" I whine, arms crossed. He shakes his head. "Later tonight we're going to go looking for you mind, do you remember when or where you lost it?" "Ha-ha. Very funny." Back to the arm over the shoulders thing. "How's the freaking out been?" Right to the point, that one. "Lets walk, and then we'll talk." Once home and set up at the kitchen table I break all sorts of Carrots in a Crisis rules by skipping Kyle completely and going straight to Celery. Mostly it's because of the talk with Jonas and the new light shed by and calmness resulting from said conversation. "So I guess I'm just worried I'm TOO dependant on you, which has lots of negative results such as I smother you or go crazy every time you're not around or what if something happens to you and then I have to waste away... or what if something happens to me, then where will you be..." "Nothing's going to happen to me," fucking touch wood! "Or you. You couldn't smother me if you tried, and what was the other one? Oh yeah, you're always crazy." I smile, mainly I feel better simply because he's in the room, but there's also endless things to be said about how much better you'll usually feel about something once you've gotten it off your chest somehow. "The thing is it's my everyday insanity that's making me worry about that stuff." "I know, it's not like I don't." Well that's good to know. The deal was supposed to be two basket cases together after all. "I just believe we can do it, whatever needs to be done. I think as a team we can achieve whatever we want. I know you believe that too, which is where I get most of my confidence from. When you're not off on one of your freak-fests, you believe right?" I nod. "Try and find something I believe more. Even through them I'm half thinking, 'oh just stop. That's insane and you know it.' I don't doubt our future, sometimes I just freak a bit about getting there." "Well you know, it's not the destination, it's the journey and all that." He says in a polished, fake sounding voice. I take his hand in mine and enjoy just looking at them sitting together on the table for awhile, feeling the insanity receding once more. Holding hands is something I really like to do with Celery. Maybe because it's one of the really different things we never did as kids, like, slinging your arm around someone's shoulders is one thing, but connecting with them palm to palm is another. To me it just seems more intimate. In the middle of enjoying the view, I remember about Jonas. Chicken that you know and love, I decide to wait a little while. My excuse is our homework. Which we do. After that's done we take it to the couch and I start explaining to Celery what me and Jonas talked about. It takes me nearly an hour to get him pretty much won over to the 'real friends' thing idea. At first there were a lot of 'why?'s and 'you're all I need's and 'what if it makes us drift apart?'s and he pouted some. For one scary moment he got a really hurt look in his eyes and I thought he's going to cry but like I said, I've basically talked him down from that now. There's still a little more I need to say, and lucky person that you are you get to listen to it. Feel the joy. "Cause love, this is all about how incredibly and epicly important you are to me, not something like you're just not enough for me. You're everything in my world and I love that, but it scares me. We just talked about it, I know, and that did make me feel a lot better, but I still think we should explore this. I don't think we ever could really, but I don't want us to get sick of each other and I really don't feel we should shut everybody else out all the time. We don't even do that all the time probably, but sometimes anyway. I'm cool with it happening occasionally, and if you really don't want this then okay, but I think it'd be good if we established some other people in our lives that really matter." "You mean my life," "Huh?" "Care, you have people who matter to you. You have your parents and the rest of your family, especially Kyle. That's what I forgot to say before, when you were saying you worried about being so dependent. There are lots of other people you can lean on. You're not worried about yourself, you're worried cause it's me who doesn't have anyone but you," Fuck. "No it's not!" I say, grabbing his hands. Surprised and slightly scared by the sudden reversal, not sure I'm up for the job in the same way he was. "Look, if you're going to talk about my family, you better not try to get away with saying you're not as important to them as I am. You know how much they love you," He smiles a bit sheepishly. "Okay, I guess that's true." He says, with a conceding shrug. "I'm glad we've got that settled. Now look, I care about my family, yeah, but you're it for me. The one thing I couldn't comprehend living without. And frankly no friends will change that, but I still want to try this. Maybe I'm willing or brave enough to try, now, because of how confident I feel about you and US. Now with our feelings out and the commitments we've made, maybe we don't have to hold onto each other quite so tightly - because we're both totally sure neither one of us is ever going to let go. We can be confident now that no ones going to come between us in a way we couldn't before so it should free us up. I mean, you know now I'm not going to run off with some girl or something and me for you so we can sort of let go of the strangle hold a bit. Only a bit though love. Make sure you understand that very clearly. I am NOT saying I feel oppressed by how close we are or anything insane like that. If you weren't with me, beside me, close to me, I wouldn't know how to function. That's kind of scary but it's okay because I trust you to always be there. It's like that falling backwards exercise people sometimes do. I feel like we're in constant perpetual falling backwards mode with each other. The cool thing is that we'll always catch each other. I trust you totally - without a second thought - to always catch me. I love you with all my heart and knowing you feel the same, REALLY knowing it, that's completed me and given me strength and life and everything I need. But maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if we weren't the only ones standing behind the other one. Maybe we don't need to carry each others entire load. And okay, maybe it's a bit more for you than me but that's only because you're so wonderful and have so much to offer, I don't deserve to keep you all to myself. This way we're doing it together, trying to make friends we both like and have stuff in common with, as a team," I look at him, sort of finally realizing how long I'd been talking and deciding to shut-up for awhile. It's actually been awhile since we sat together in silence and it's nice, except I'm so freaking nervous about his reaction to that whole huge spiel of mine. "Cel?" I finally ask. I told you he was better at the silence thing than me. Oh thank-goodness. A smile. "Sorry, what did you say? I sort of tuned you out there," I hit him with his hat. "That was not nice you jerk, I'm going to get my revenge. You just wait and see." "I'm terrified. Honestly. I'm seriously considering heading for the hills," I kiss him. "You'd miss me too much," He returns the kiss. "You're probably right," We settle down together on the couch in our usual positions. What are our usual positions? Oh come on. You should know this by now! Celery sits at the end of the couch and I lie on my side or back, my head in his lap. And he plays with the bits of my hair or rubs my shoulders and back or something. You could at least pay attention. Really. "So, I mean, are you okay with this now?" He's twirling my hair in his fingers idly and it takes him awhile to respond. He sighs. "Yeah I am. It's, I don't know. I was being kind of stupid before when I freaked out - but this just goes to show that you're not the only one who's capable of experiencing an irrational episode. If there's anything I'm insane about it's worrying I'm smothering you but at the same time being SO afraid I'm not enough for you or of loosing any of the closeness that I have with you. I'm also like whatever, not big on new people and giving out my trust - as if you didn't know - so I just let all that get to me for a little while which is why I got so..." "Wigged?" He laughs. It's from Buffy. Buffy talk. "Why didn't we ever start saying that?" I shrug. "I don't know, I tried it a few times but it never really caught on. I definitely think we should start now," he nods. "You're so right. Yes, that's why I got so wigged. But I'm better now. Your speech, while quite long and rambly," I whip off his hat and smack him with it again, he laughs and continues, "was really helpful on settling that stuff inside me." "You've talked me down from the ledge enough times - I owed you one."