Date: Wed, 8 Mar 2006 21:42:35 EST
From: ImJeff0882@aol.com
Subject: My Roommate Nick, part 15

This is Nick.  Jeff said this is going to be confusing because when I write
I'll be using "I" to mean me, NICK.  When Jeff writes he'll be using "I" to
mean him.  We'll let you know when we change.

I really didn't want to do this, but Buckoo, or who is more affectionately
known as "Squirt", said that I had to start this part.  Why?  Well because
he's very busy and I always get to read what he wrote and then make
comments.  He said that I should do the first part of this and then he'd do
Christmas and the ski trip.  I can't do the conversational part the way he
does.  When I do it, it sounds like children talking.  He said I should
just do it and he'd edit it for me.  But, I told him he's not allowed to
edit anything I say about him.

We had a great time at Thanksgiving at Anthony's house.  It's strange for
me to realize that I feel sad leaving Jeff's family.  Anytime I dated in
the past and I'd have to meet parents or go to their home for dinner, I'd
watch the clock and think I'd rather be home having a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich and a glass of milk and then jerk off and go to sleep.  When
I started living with Jeff and I was dating girls, I'd think I'd rather be
home with Jeff, eating something healthy and having beer and jerking off
with him.

Now when it's time to leave one of Jeff's family's home I get to feeling
sad.  Not because I'm leaving with Jeff, because if he was at home I'd be
counting the minutes until I got home, but because I always feel like I am
a part of their family and they are very warm and funny and loving.  I
really don't understand how this could have happened in just one year.  I
don't think it's so much about me, but about how much they love him and how
much they want him to be happy.

Before we flew home, Jeff and I drove to meet my brother and his
girlfriend.  I was expecting not to like her.  I don't know why.  Maybe it
wasn't that I wasn't going to like her, but it was more that I was
expecting her to be weird or not like me, or me and Jeff.

I was wrong.  She was great.  She and Jeff hit it off right away.  I think
I was expecting her to be passive or distant but she wasn't.  She was funny
and bright and interesting.

We met at a restaurant to have lunch and then we went to this bar and had a
beer.  Jeff and Tracy and Matt did most of the talking over lunch.  I
joined in, but I think I was feeling cautious.  No one mentioned that Jeff
and I were boyfriends.  I knew she knew, but it was strange that it was
never being mentioned and I think I was feeling like there was some reason
behind that.

Jeff has this way about him where he engages with people, he always seems
to make them comfortable.  The first time I met him he did that with me and
it won me over.  I watched him talking to her and my brother, and watched
them enjoying him.  I think Matt was really happy that Jeff liked her.  I
was more worried about her liking Jeff and me.  I think Jeff just didn't
give a shit.

Toward the end of lunch we were talking about Europe.  Tracy said that
she's been to England and France, but not to Italy or Greece.  She said she
was trying to talk Matt into going to Europe and going to Italy.  Jeff
said, "Well, Nick and I can tell you about a great hotel to stay in on the
Isle of Capri."

I saw my brother smile and I saw Tracy smile and then she said, "Matt told
me about your time at that hotel.  Weren't you Nick's sex slave while you
were there?"

Jeff laughed and said, "Boy toy, I was his boy toy.  And, he was mine in
Mykonos."

She said, "I have really good friends who are gay and life partners and
they've gone to Mykonos and they loved it.  I told Matt I'd make that deal
with him if we went to Italy and Greece."

They just went on talking and joking and I guess I was both surprised and
relieved.  When we left the restaurant and decided to walk around for a
while and find someplace to have a drink, Jeff started talking to Matt and
they started walking together.  Tracy hung back with me and chatted.  Then
she said, "He's a good man."

I said, "Matt, yeah, we didn't get along all that well when we were kids,
but we've gotten a lot closer."

She said, "Actually, I was talking about Jeff, but yeah, Matt, too."  I
felt a little embarrassed I think.  She said, "I've met your parents.  Matt
told me all about what's happened and I think what they are doing to you is
really fucked up.  Matt's told me that Jeff and his family have been really
good to you and that he thinks Jeff really loves you a lot."

I didn't know what to say.  "They have been, and I know he does.  I'm
pretty lucky in that way."

She said, "I wish he hadn't told me before I met them because I decided
that I wasn't going to like them and after meeting them I hadn't changed my
mind.  Then I thought that I wished that I hadn't known just to see if I
would have felt differently."

"I guess they're okay.  They're a little rigid and stuff."

She laughed, "Nick, they are your parents so I'm not going to say much, but
your dad didn't like me.  I mentioned that Matt and I might be moving in
together and after that all I got was one word answers to questions."

"Yeah, that probably was a mistake."

"Before we left I guess I got a little passive aggressive."  I looked at
her.  "I mentioned that Matt told me that he had a wonderfully sweet and
intelligent younger brother who graduated from the University with top
honors and that they must be so proud.  Your dad made like I never said a
word and your mom just smiled and nodded."

I looked at her and said, "Wow, that's going to put you on their bad side
for sure."

She said, "I had a thing with a woman for a while, a short while, when I
was in college.  It was okay, but I guess it was like with you and with
women you dated."  She put her arm into mine and held on to me as we
walked.  It was interesting, all of a sudden she seemed softer to me.  She
said, "Your brother told me that he's been with guys and that he talked to
you about that."  I looked at her really surprised.  "He told me that he
thought it was interesting sexually but that emotionally he doesn't get it,
but that he understands that you do.  He really likes Jeff a lot and loves
you very much.  He told me that he thinks of you as his best friend."

Needless to say I was shocked.  Not that Matt told her that he thought of
me as his best friend.  Okay, maybe a little shocked about that.  But
mostly that he told her that he had sex with guys.  I don't know why I
thought she was going to be uptight and rigid and weird about sex, but she
was just the opposite.  I think I was surprised that my brother could
actually find a woman who was so okay with all this stuff, never mind be
okay with it himself.  But, then I remembered what he said to me last year
when I got so upset.  He said that he got the sex but the kissing makes you
gay and that was wrong.  I guess the change he made was that the sex is
still okay, but now being gay is okay, but just not for him.  That's a big
change.

We went to a bar and had a drink.  They talked about coming to visit us for
a weekend some time.  They said they'd stay in a hotel, since our sofa is
not very comfortable.  Matt seemed happy.  I felt happy.  Jeff was talking
and joking and enjoying himself.  Tracy laughed a lot.

When we walked back to our cars I walked with my brother.  I told him that
I really like Tracy.  He got this big smile on his face.  I said, "I don't
know why, but I was so afraid you were going to have a girlfriend that
would be like mom and dad."  He looked surprised.

"Why would you think that?"

I said, "I don't know.  I just keep thinking that they are going to win you
to their side, and I'm not going to have any family and that really scares
me."

Matt said, "That's not going to happen. How could you think that after what
we've done?"

"I don't know.  I was scared that she was going to be uptight about me and
Jeff."

"She's not.  She couldn't wait to meet you two.  She was excited about it.
She was nervous because she wanted you and Jeff to like her so we could
hang out together.  I told her that you going skiing with his cousins and
she said she hoped that the four of us could get together and do stuff like
that for a weekend."

I said, "Well, that's cool with me and it seems like Jeff likes her, too."
He looked happy.  I said, "I really like her, a lot.  She's really
cool. And she really likes you.  I'm sorry I was so nervous at first."

"Don't be sorry.  I can understand.  But Nickie, please, shit isn't going
to happen between you and me.  Okay?  I think it was on my second date with
her that I told her about you.  If she was weird about it I doubt we would
have gone out again.  And, besides, I haven't been exactly Mr. Straight guy
either."

We got to our cars.  I said good bye to Tracy.  Matt and Jeff hugged and
then Tracy and Jeff hugged.  I hugged Tracy and told her that I wanted them
to come and visit, and then we hugged again.  Then I hugged Matt and I
kissed him on the cheek and said, "I love you."  He stepped back and looked
at me and smiled.  Then he hugged me again and kissed me on the cheek and
said, "I love you, Nickie," loud enough so Jeff and Tracy heard him.  When
I turned and looked at Jeff he had this big smile on his face.  I think I
was feeling embarrassed again.  Our family never, ever hugs and kisses and
we never say I love you.  It felt good.

It's so odd, so many of the people in Jeff's family are comfortable with
hugging and kissing and touching and say I love you.  Jeff never hangs up
the phone without saying to his mom and dad that he loves them.  I can't
remember the last time I said that to my parents or they said that to me.
People in my family don't touch each other.  When I am sitting near Jeff's
mom and she talks to me, she'll touch my arm or my hand.  When she arrived
at Anthony's house and she saw me, she walked up to me and I knew we were
going to hug.  We did hug.  When Jeff and I left Anthony's house we all
hugged each other.  As I walked away I realized that I hugged them and
didn't even think about it.  I've decided I love it.  I love that Jeff is
so demonstrative.  I love that he touches me, that he hugs me, that he
kisses me.  I love that he gropes me.

Anyway, we got in our car and started our drive back to Anthony's house.
We were flying back to school the next day.  It was about a two hour drive.
Jeff and I talked about how great Tracy was.  Jeff said to me, "You know, I
really like Matt a lot.  Last year, I thought I hated him, but I like him
more each time I see him."

I said, "Me, too."

We were driving on the freeway, and about sixty miles from Anthony's house.
It was dark and around dinner time.  I told Jeff I wanted to stop for
something to eat.  He said he'd rather wait until we got into town where he
knew where there were good restaurants.  I told him that I needed something
in my stomach.  I told him to stop for something fast.

We saw signs for sub sandwiches and decided we'd split one to hold us over.
We bought a turkey sub and two waters and returned to the car.  It took us
about two minutes to eat the sub.  I told Jeff to pull over to the far side
of the parking lot.  He smiled and shook his head.  I pleaded and told him
that I wanted to give him head.  He just laughed.  I knew we were going to
park, but he just kept shaking his head.  I reached over and squeezed his
crotch and I could feel that he was getting hard.  He started the car and
backed into a parking place so he could watch the parking lot, while I
sucked his dick.

He unbuttoned and unzipped his pants and pulled the waist band of his boxer
briefs away from his stomach and reached down and pulled his dick up.  He
doesn't have to pull his briefs down, his dick sticks up enough.  I leaned
down and had his dick in my mouth before he could count to ten.  I don't
know who loves having his dick in my mouth more, me or him.  When I first
put his dick in my mouth he always moans.  I was sucking him and I was
using my hand also which he usually won't let me do.  Normally if I use my
hand while I suck him, he'll say, "Are you going to suck my dick or jerk me
off?  Do one or the other, which means, stop using your hand and suck me
off."  But this was going to be a quickie, as he calls them.  While I
sucked him he was running his hands over my head and up and down my back.
It didn't take him long before he was beginning to move a lot, trying to
straighten his legs and trying to push up into my mouth.

"Oh fuck, Nick, your mouth feels so good.  Fuck, I'm going to cum."

Man, did he cum.  He loves these car blow jobs.

When he stopped cumming, I sat back up.  He was still hard.  It was funny
watching him push his dick into his pants.  Then he zipped up and buttoned
up.  He was still breathing hard.  He looked at me and smiled and then
leaned over and kissed me.  He said, "You want head now, or can you wait?"

"I can wait."

He started the car and we got back on the freeway.  I said, "I really like
sucking your cock."

He looked at me and laughed.  "Maybe that's why you're so good at it."

I said, "I guess you must like sucking mine too then."

He laughed and said, "Any kind of sex with you is at the top of my
`favorite things to do' list."

I just laughed a lot and then said, "You are so full of shit."

He looked at me and said, "Fuck you, you think that's a lie, asshole."

I said, "No, no, I know you like sex with me.  Really, I do know that.
But, it's on the top of your favorites list?"

He looked very serious.  He didn't say much and then he said, "I hate when
you do that.  I really hate when you do that."

I felt really bad.  "What did I do?"  I knew what I did.

"You know what you did.  You know I love having sex with you.  You know
that I love making love with you, and you know that I love just hanging
with you.  You know that I'll do whatever you want and that I love doing it
and when I say that, you say I'm full of shit."

I felt my stomach getting sick.  "Sorry."  He was being very distant.  We
drove for about ten minutes and he didn't say anything.  "Jeff, I really am
sorry."

He took a deep breath.  When he does that it means one of two things.
Either he is going to start arguing with me, or he's cooling off.  "When
you do that I want to shake you.  It really is fucked up."  He didn't seem
angry anymore.

"I know.  I hate it when you do it to me, so I shouldn't do it to you."

Jeff looked at me.  "I don't do that."

"Fuck if you don't, Buckoo."

"Knock it off with this Buckoo thing.  And, I don't do it."

I just stared at him.  "Really!  When I say nice things about you, you tell
me to shut up, or you tell me I am gushing.  Even Kenny said you do it."

"No way."

"Way; he was saying how much fun you are to go skiing with, how he taught
you to ski and how quickly you learned, how you were always the nicest kid
and funny and stuff like that and you told him to shut up.  He said to me,
`he hates it when you say nice stuff about him'."

"That's different."

I said, "How is it different?  You really hate it when people admire you or
compliment you.  You stand up and sing and you know you are terrible.
Everyone laughs and has fun. Don't get me wrong, I loved your Tina Turner
thing, it was wonderful.  But, Jeff, your voice is terrible and you're
there in a towel and a wig and shaking your ass.  I mean it was beautiful,
bad and funny.  But, I bet my right nut you'd never get up and read one of
your stories.  I asked Kenny if he's read stuff you've written and he said
that when you were in high school you let him read stuff that you wrote and
he thought it was great and he told you that.  He said that you wrote a
story about a boy who lived in a water tower and would only come out at
night and watch people through their windows.  He said that the boy's only
experience of love was what he saw happening through a window.  Kenny said
he read it and thought he'd cry.  He said that after that you never let him
read your stuff.  Anthony said the same thing."

"My stuff wasn't all that good."

"See you just did it again.  Why do you do that?"

"It just makes me feel weird.  I don't know, it's just uncomfortable.  When
I sing I know it's bad, but I have fun and I don't care.  So I sing.  I
like making people laugh or watching you squirm.  I really enjoy it and
it's something I do with them too."

I asked, "Okay, I got that.  But, why do you feel uncomfortable when people
compliment you."

Jeff said, "You tell me.  You do it, too."

I said, "I do it because I feel like it can't be true, I guess.  Or, maybe
I just feel embarrassed."

Jeff said, "So, when I say that making love with you is one of my favorite
things to do, you think it can't be true?"

I answered, "No, I know you love it.  I look at you and I know you think
that.  You act like you enjoy it too.  But when I think that someone can
feel that way about me I just can't believe it.  Does that make sense?  I
believe you, but I can't believe that someone feels that way about me.
But, I don't think it's the same for you."

"Maybe it is."  We sat there for a while, driving and staring out the front
window.  He said, "I think I'm afraid that maybe people will change their
minds.  It's like they think I'm good at this or they really like me
because of this or that and then some day they will see that I am really no
good at this and then they'll be disappointed.  So, if they don't think I'm
good then they can't find out that I'm really bad."

"So it's like they really don't see the real you.  You're just good at
fooling people."

Jeff said, "Maybe.  I think I always felt like if my cousins really knew me
they wouldn't like me or they'd laugh at me rather than with me."

"Do you still feel that way?  I mean do you think that about them, now?"

"No.  I don't," he said.

"Do you really think that I'm going to find out something about you that's
going to make me think you're bad?"

He sighed.  I really thought this was the end of the conversation.  "No,
not bad."  He became quiet.

"What?"

"I guess I worry that you'll find someone else more interesting.  That
you'll get bored with me," he said.

"For real?"

"Yeah, sometimes I wonder if you'll get bored with me sexually.  You are
smarter than I am, maybe you'll start finding me intellectually boring.
You're into all the questions of life and,"

I interrupted, "Hold on, Buckoo.  I am not smarter than you are and you
fuckin know that, and the `questions of life' are what you deal with over
and over again in your stories and besides, they're all bullshit anyway.
Questions of life.  Like `what existence is'? or how about deconstructing
sexual categories.  We've got a bunch of right wing fuckin assholes working
for that dumb fuck from Texas and `what existence is' is an important
question.  Give me a break.  They want to pass laws that will make people
like us sex offenders, and we'll have to register like other sex
offenders."

He looked at me, "I just worry that someone will interest you more than I
do."

"Okay, I get that because I worry that you'll get bored with me too.  I
keep telling myself that you love me and that maybe we will get bored but
so what.  When we get bored with each other we'll find some way to get
interested again."  I started to feel really sad.  I said, "You're just as
fucked up about this stuff as I am."  He laughed.  "You are, don't laugh.
From now on when you tell me to shut up or not to gush, I'm going to tell
you to fuck off and suck it up."  He laughed again.  I was getting really
upset.  "I know stuff will happen between us.  I know we'll have hard
times.  It scares me, but I really want us to stay together and work on
it."  I started to cry.  I felt like such a jerk.  I hate getting
emotional.  He reached over and touched my leg.

Jeff said, "I hear about gay guys that after one year they move on to
someone new.  That they got bored with the same person.  It scares me."

"It scares me, too"

He asked me, "Do you ever feel bored with me?"

I looked at him.  "You can't be serious?  You are the least boring person
I've ever known.  Plus, you've got this humongous family.  And I love
that."  He looked at me as if I was nuts.  "Do I seem bored?"

Jeff said, "No, but you said you worry that I'll get bored.  I don't seem
bored, do I?"

"No, you don't.  But, I guess it's what I said before.  I look at you and
think, `wow, he's so horny for me.  Then I think that maybe you're just
horny and it's not really for me.  And then I think no one could be horny
for me.  And then I start to worry that you'll figure that out and get
horny for someone else."  He didn't say anything.  "When we sit around and
talk about your stories, or characters for your stories and I tell you,
well how about this or that, and then you say, fuck yeah, that's good.  I
get a fuckin high off it.  Then I think, maybe you were just saying that."
He gave me this weird look.  "So now are you angry with me again."

He looked at me and said, "No, not at all.  I was just thinking that we
both worry about the same thing and it seems really stupid to me now.  But
I guess I understand."

He got quiet again.  I asked, "What are you thinking about?"

Jeff said, "I'm not just horny.  I'm horny for you.  I mean I see guys and
think, wow, nice ass, or nice face, or nice package, or nice chest.  But it
never feels like I want to have sex with one of them.  I mean I don't get a
hard-on.  But I think of you and how you look naked and touching you and
I've got a hard-on.  Sometimes you come home and I'm making us dinner and
you'll go in and change and shower and I'm in the kitchen thinking about
you and I've got a hard-on.  Sometimes I wake up at night and go and pee
and I get back in bed and you look at me and cuddle up to me and go back to
sleep and I'm laying there with a hard-on."

Jeff looked at me and said, "I just came in your mouth forty minutes ago
and I've got a hard-on again, just telling you this.  And this hard-on is
for you." He took my hand and moved it onto his lap and pushed my fingers
against his hard dick.

I laughed and took his hand and moved it to my crotch and said, "I've got
one, too.  And it's for you, too."  He squeezed my dick hard.  "It's the
same for me and you know that."

Jeff said, "Yeah, I guess so, when I think about it.  But, sometimes I just
worry."

We drove for a while.  He kept his hand on my dick.  I love when he does
that.  He just moves his fingers over my dick which is covered by my pants.
I said, "It's good that we talk about this stuff.  I like it that I'm not
afraid to yell back at you and not listen to you say shit."

He said, "I liked you better when you were too scared to say shit," he
laughed.

"Do you really?" I asked.

He laughed again, "No, it's cool with me that you say shit," and smiled.

I said, "I want a parking lot blow job."  We were getting close to
Anthony's house.

"Forget it," he said.  "I'm hungry for dinner."

"Okay, then I'm going to fuck you hard tonight," I said.

He laughed.  "Bring it on, Buckoo."

I'm not very good about describing us having sex.  I asked Jeff to do it,
but he just laughed and said I was on my own.  So, I'll just say that I
didn't fuck him.  I can't seem to get by the fact that his cousins are
sleeping in the next room.  And, of course, as he sometimes does, he
started teasing me about it.  He was saying, "Oh baby, oh baby, you are the
man," and then he'd laugh.  I was laughing too, but I wanted to hit him.
He kept saying stuff like that and then I made a very big mistake.  I
should have known better.  When he gets in one of these moods I should just
go along with him, but no I just kept telling him to shut up.  Then I said,
"Not so loud, they'll hear you."  Big mistake.  Of course he had to keep
saying, "Oh baby, oh baby, you the man."  And then he'd laugh, and then I'd
laugh.  Finally he stopped and we had oral sex with each other.  It was
fantastic.

The next morning we got up and got ready to have breakfast with Anthony,
his wife and Jeff's parents.  They wanted to see Jeff and me again and
decided they'd drive us to the airport.  So, Anthony invited them over for
breakfast.  When I went to the kitchen, Carol was getting stuff ready.
Mr. and Mrs. Hunter had not arrived yet.  We made coffee and then Jeff
joined us.  Carol poured Jeff a cup of coffee and said, "Oh baby, you the
man," and smiled.  I think I turned ten shades of red.  Jeff laughed.

I tried to tell Carol that Jeff was teasing and that I told him to shut up
and that he just got louder.  But, of course Jeff couldn't let it go, so he
said, "Oh we're sorry.  We didn't think you could hear us."  She just
laughed.  When Anthony came into the kitchen he sat down with his coffee
and said, "So, we couldn't tell, who is the man?"

Jeff said, "I be the man."  Anthony just laughed.  Mr. and Mrs. Hunter
drove up so nothing else was said, but I was still red when they walked in.
Jeff had asked them to bring buddy (Jeff's dog) so he could see her, but
they didn't bring her.  They said that she gets so excited when she sees
him and then seems so depressed when he leaves, that they thought it best
not to bring her.  I asked them if it was okay for Jeff and I to bring her
to school after our winter break as we did last year.  Mrs. Hunter looked
at me seriously and then smiled and said okay.

We had breakfast and then the Hunter's drove us to the airport.

Our anniversary was the next week.  We took each other out to dinner.  A
romantic dinner.  We dressed up and everything.  It was really nice and he
loved it.  I gave him a card that I made, and in it I promised him a
weekend of nudity, me as his boy toy, dinners prepared by me, and back
rubs.  He looked at the card and smiled and then said, "Oh cool, back
rubs."  He thinks he's funny.

That night we went home, got naked, climbed into bed and spent a lot of
time making love, giving each other back rubs, of course he teased me about
one thing of another, and then we made love again.  We lay there holding
each other.  Then Jeff said, "I want to thank you for one of the best years
I've had in a long time.  I can't remember feeling so consistently happy.
I know it's been a tough year for you, with your parents and all that shit.
But I hope it's been worth it for you."

I said, "It's been wonderful, or I guess the part with you and your
family."

He said, "Last quarter I assigned a paper for my freshman writing class and
told them they could write about anything they wanted to write about, but
that it had to have a central theme that they should explain in a footnote.
One woman wrote that she was watching T.V. and Maria Shiver said that when
she turned sixteen her father drove her to the airport.  They boarded a
plane and flew to Paris.  They spent three days there, seeing Paris.  On
the way back he asked her if she knew why he did that and she said, no.  He
told her that anyone who goes to Paris always remembers the first time they
were there and who they were with.  Maria said that it was a wonderful
memory."  Jeff continued and said, "She titled her paper, "The first time I
saw Paris."  But, she had never seen Paris, so she wrote about firsts in
her life.  Happy firsts and firsts that she wished would have been happy
but were terrible."

I laid there staring at him.  He looked at me and said, "I saw Paris with
you for the first time.  My first time in Europe was with you.  We're
making great memories together and my mom told me that is what a marriage
is about; building a life-time of memories."

I almost started crying (I do that more than I'd like to admit).  I told
him that I loved him and that he made me feel happy and loved.  I told him
that was a wonderful way to think of a relationship. Making memories,
wonderful memories.  I told him that I was excited about making more
memories.  I told him that I had a lot of firsts with him too; Europe,
skiing. I told him that all the sex we've had together were firsts for me.
I told him that I never had so many orgasms in one year as I've had in the
last year and that I've never had as intense orgasms, ever.  I told him
that I wanted to make a lot more memories and have a lot more firsts.

He laughed and said, "Same here." He leaned into me and kissed me and said
he loved me.  We cuddled for a while and then he fell asleep, but I
couldn't.  Sometimes when it's really good between us I get to where I
can't sleep.  I occupy my time by watching him sleep.  I uncover him, look
at his naked body, touch him, and then cover him up and try to fall asleep.
I'm never sure why I can't sleep.  My body seems full of energy even though
I am tired.  (Now that I'm writing this, he'll read it and I'm sure we'll
talk about it.)  I just have all these feelings and I can't relax.

The next weekend, actually it started on Friday afternoon, he used his
gift.  Before we settled in for the weekend, we went to the grocery store
and stocked up.  We went to Blockbusters and rented a couple of movies and
bought popcorn.  We both had a lot of school work to do, finals were around
the corner.  We went home and were about to get naked when he said he
wanted to go for a run.  At first I thought he was nuts but then he said he
wanted to run, and then come home and have sweaty sex.  I was undressed and
dressed again before he could get his shoes and pants off.

We ran and ran and ran.  When he gets into one of these "let's kick butt"
moods, we always end up at the stadium running steps.  He's good at it, or
I guess I should say that he's better at it than I am.  We'll run up the
steps and then across the top of the stadium to the next set of steps and
then down.  Then we run a quarter mile lap, he says to catch our breath,
and then up the steps and on and on.  I always start dragging my ass long
before he's done.  We'll get to a set of step and I'll say, "NO WAY" and
he'll literally push me up the steps.  Then we'll run another lap around
the track.  Usually he'll let me skip a set of steps or two, but then he'll
start pushing me up the steps again.

I know I've said he's very impatient, but it's odd that when we run or do
the steps and run, he never makes fun of me or gets frustrated with me.  If
we are running and I have to stop, he'll stop and walk with me, or if we
are at the track he'll just run alone and then come up behind me and start
pushing me, but if I tell him I need to walk, he'll just go on.  He does
that with skiing too.  When he skies with me he just stays with me.  He
never makes me feel like I'm holding him back, or that I am not good
enough.  He's a great skier.  He'll ski with me and talk to me and show me
what I'm doing and how to do this or that.  He'll be skiing along side of
me talking to me and then he'll turn around and ski backward in front of
me, watching me and telling me to lean into my edge or to do this or that.
I'm trying to survive going down this mountain and not break something and
he's skiing in front of me backward and saying, `lean forward, turn your
shoulders,' or whatever.  He says I'm getting better.

So we get back to the apartment.  Actually, we ran back to the apartment.
When he said, `let's head back', all of a sudden I had all this energy.
When we got to our apartment our neighbor, Danny, was just getting home.  I
didn't see him but Jeff did.  Jeff got to the apartment before I did, of
course, but he stopped at the bottom of the steps.  He was bending down
digging the key out of a pouch he carries it in that is tied to his shoe.
Like I said I didn't see Danny, or that Jeff was talking to him, so as I
ran up and I grabbed Jeff's pants and pulled then down exposing his butt.
Then I saw Danny.  I decided that I should just keep going up the steps.
Jeff pulled up his pants and kept talking to Danny.  I had to wait, he had
the key.  He ran up the steps, he unlocked the door and we pushed each
other out of the way to get inside.  I was naked and on the bed before he
had his shoes off.

He was laughing as he got undressed.  I was covered up and sitting in bed
watching him take his clothes off.  When he was done undressing he turned
around and bent down, he knows I love that, and picked up his clothes that
were on the floor.  He looked at me from between his legs and smiled.  He
tossed his wet clothes in the laundry basket and turned around.  Did I
mention he had a hard-on?

He said, "You know this is my weekend for you to be my boy toy?"

"Yeah, yeah, I know."

"You know you're going to get your ass fucked until you cry uncle."

I laughed, "Just get in bed and let's get to it," I said.  "You're all
talk."

He got in bed and turned so that we were head to toe and started sucking
me.  I started sucking him.  The smell of his crotch was getting me crazy.
It sounds like it should smell bad.  I mean the smell of someone's crotch
sounds gross.  But it is a clean, musky salty smell.  It's wonderful.  He
was sucking me hard and he kept pulling his dick out of my mouth and moving
into new positions.  He was on top of me sucking me and I was getting
close.  I didn't want to cum so quickly but he just held me down and kept
sucking me until I did.  He was lying with his crotch on my face as I
started shooting into his mouth.

Usually we kiss after we cum but he was into just fucking.  He turned
around and pulled my legs up.  He began rubbing my butt hole with his
fingers and then spit.  He moved his dick around my hole and then pushed
in.  He started fucking me.  He is strong.  He is stronger than I am, a lot
stronger.  When he's like this I feel small in his arms.  I'm not much
smaller than he is, but he is solid muscle.  When he's holding me with my
legs up and his arms around me and he's fucking me hard, I feel like if he
wanted he could break me in two.  I guess if I thought about it a lot I'd
be scared, but I know him and instead it really turns me on.  Actually, it
gets me crazy.  I start biting him, pulling at his hair, grunting and
telling him to fuck me harder.

He was fucking me hard.  He looked down at me and told me to open my mouth.
I knew what he was going to do.  I guess this sounds gross too but just
thinking about it gets my dick hard.  I opened my mouth and then he let his
spit roll off his tongue and into my mouth while he kept fucking me.  I
pulled him down to me and sucked on his tongue.  Then he stopped.  I knew
he hadn't cum.  He pulled out of me and then spun me around and got me on
my knees.  He started fucking me again, but then he pulled out and told me
to get on the floor.

The floor: fucking always gets more intense when we move to the floor.
It's solid ground.  He had me on my knees and positioned me so that he had
an easy target.  He started fucking me hard.  It felt like he was further
inside of me than usual.  I'd guess that typically he doesn't get all of
his dick up my ass.  But in this position he seemed to be getting a lot
more into me.  My dick was really hard.  I tried to jerk off but I had to
use both my arms to support myself against his body slamming me.  Then he
stopped again.

He told me to lay down.  I know I'm a perv. but I love this position when
we are fucking like this.  He calls it animal fucking.  We've talked about
this.  It really does feel like I am completely taken by him.  I'm going to
lay there and get fucked.  My head says that should be scary or something,
eight inches is no small rod to have shoved up your ass, but my head also
says, `yeah fuck me hard', and that part always wins.

He pushed me down flat on the floor.

I groaned, "Yeah, fuck me, come on, fuck me."  His dick went in, all eight
inches at once.  I instantly felt filled up by him.  He fell on top of me.
He grabbed my wrists and held them tight.  His legs held my legs between
his.  With his knees on the floor he began slamming into me.  "Oh yeah,
fuck me Jeff. Fuck me."  He was breathing hard.  We were both wet with
sweat.  He was grunting and I kept saying, "Fuck me."  He bit down into my
shoulder.  And kept grunting and groaning.  He started slowing down and
taking really long thrusts into me.  It felt like he pulled his entire dick
out of me and then slammed himself back into me.  "Oh yeah, do that again,"
I yelled.  He kept pulling all the way out and then quickly into me.  I
began to feel like I could cum.  My dick was pressed hard against the rug
and each time he pulled out and slammed back in, I felt this surge of
pleasure run through my groin.  He was biting my neck, my shoulders and my
back.

I could tell he was getting close.  He was pushing hard and grunting
loudly.  I kept pushing my ass up into his groin.  He was grunting louder
and louder and then he started cumming.  I could feel him wetting my
insides.  His body was tensing all over and shaking.  He was still humping
my butt.  He stopped moving.  He was breathing hard.  I could feel his
chest pushing into my back.  Every once in a while his body twitched.  He
lay on top of me, holding me.  I tightened my butt around his dick.

I asked him, "Where did that come from?"

He chuckled.  "I've been looking forward to my weekend starting.  I was
thinking about fucking you all day."

"That was hot.  Really hot.  I like it when you fuck me like that."

"I think I've got a rug burn on my knees," he said licking my neck.  His
dick was still inside me.  He tried to move out of me, but I grabbed his
ass and held him on top of me.

I said, "Let's have a lot of sex this weekend."

He bit into my shoulder and said, "I've got a lot of work to do for school,
but we can take sex breaks every hour of so."  He laughed again.  We were
still laying on the floor when we heard Danny downstairs turning on his
music.  Jeff starting laughing, "Fuck, I bet he heard us."

"You mean heard you."

"You were talking loudly and with your face against the floor."  He started
laughing again.  I thought it was pretty funny, too, but I asked him why he
was laughing.  "Well, he didn't turn it on until we stopped.  I bet he was
listening."

I wasn't too bothered.  I've heard Danny, who is a grunter, and his
girlfriend, who is a screamer, several times late at night.

We had a great weekend.  I knew he wasn't going to be able to go the whole
weekend without him wanting me to fuck him.  Sunday afternoon he wanted to
be fucked.  I did my best for him.

We spent the next couple of weeks being very busy getting ready for finals
(papers, etc.).  I was happy when our Christmas break finally arrived.  I
decided that I was going to send my parents a gift for Christmas.  Jeff
said he thought I was just asking to be hurt, but I told him that even
though they were making out like I wasn't their son, I didn't have to
ignore them.  I bought them a gift and put it in the mail.

We are going to switch here.  Jeff is going to write about our Christmas
vacation and our ski trip.



This is Jeff.  I read over and tried to edit what Nick wrote.  I helped him
a lot with the sex parts; a lot.  We argued for a while about the
conversation we had in the car, but we came to some agreement as to what
was said.  He watched every change I made.  I find it interesting that he
chose that conversation to write about.  It's interesting to see what is
important to him and how he experiences what we talk about.

We were finally done with finals and were able to leave for Christmas.  We
did most of our Christmas shopping before we drove to my parents' house.
As usual, we planned on an early start, but that never really happens.
Between me wanting to sleep in which means sleeping until 8 am, and Nick
always being horny, we didn't get on the road until almost noon.

We decided to write a fictitious story for nifty.  We were going to have
plenty of time in the car this vacation so I charged up the laptop
batteries and packed them.  When we left school he decided he wanted to
drive.

Nick said, "I want to bring Buddy (that's my dog who is staying with my
parents) back to the apartment when we come back."

"That means we have to make an extra trip."

"How so?"

"Well, we can't take her with us when we go skiing, so we'll have to drive
back to my parents' house and then drive here.  If we weren't taking her,
we could just drive here from skiing."

"Can't we just go with Anthony and Carol?"

I thought about if for a while and said, "Yeah, I guess we could drive to
Anthony's and then leave our car there and then we can come back with them
and then pick up Buddy and drive home."

Nick said, "You said our car."

I just looked at him.  "This car."

"I know what you meant, but you said `our car'.  That was sweet."

"Shut up."

Nick laughed a lot.  "You think of your car as our car?"

"Yeah, I guess so.  So, what's wrong with that?"

"Nothing," Nick said, "I like that you do that."

"Good, because it needs work and WE can pay for it," I said and laughed.  I
opened my laptop and told Nick we had to decide on character names for the
story.

"What's it supposed to be about?" Nick asked.

"It's supposed to be sweet; not forced sex.  It's supposed to be about
someone being rescued or something like that."

"Rescued from what?"

"Whatever.  How about his car breaks down.  His name is Greg."

"No, I knew someone named Greg.  I didn't like him," Nick said.

"Okay, Craig," I said.  "The other guy will be Roy."

"No way.  How about Roger," he said,

"Okay, Roger.  Roger will be the guy who rescues Craig.  Craig can be
younger, let's say about 20 or so and Roger about 26.  Let's not make them
hunky guys.  We'll make Craig a skinny kid."

Nick added, "With a big dick."

"Why give him the big dick?"

"It's kind of funny.  Skinny short kid, let's say 5 foot 6 with a nine inch
dick."

"You're such a perv.  How many 5 foot 6 skinny kids have a nine inch dick?"

Nick said, "How many guys have a nine inch dick?  It's kind of funny.  I
want to be Craig," he said.  I laughed.  "Come on; let me have a big dick."

"Your dick is big enough."

And that's how our story "Craig Finds Paradise" began to be written.

We drove straight through to my parents' house.  We stopped for a soft
drink and a pee break, but no car sex.  When we were about fifteen minutes
away from my parents' I called to let them know we were almost there.  They
have to get Buddy ready.  They tell her I am coming home.  They say,
"Where's Jeff?"  She gets all excited.  "Jeff is coming home.  Buddy, where
is Jeff?"  Buddy starts wagging her tail and running into my room and then
barking.

My mom says she does it because she thinks Buddy is getting to old for me
to just walk in.  When I've been away for a while and she sees me she gets
so excited she can't control her back legs and pees all over the floor.
So, when I'm near the house they take her outside on a leash, so when she
pees she's on the lawn.

My mom told me to call her when we got off the freeway.  I did.  As Nick
and I drove down the street where I live I saw my mom standing outside with
Buddy.  Buddy saw my car and started jumping up and pulling against the
leash.  When we pulled into the driveway and I got out of the car, I ran
over to Buddy.  My mom let Buddy run and she jumped up at me and started
yelping.  She ran around me in circles and began peeing.

My mom and Nick hugged and watched me and Buddy.  She will not stop until I
get down on my knees and let her lick my face.  So I did.  I pet her and
told her I loved her and let her run around some more.  Then she ran over
to Nick.  I think he was surprised.

"Now that's love," I said, referring to Buddy.  "No one else gets so
excited that they pee when they see me."  My mother pulled my ear.  I
hugged her and kissed her.

My mom made one of my favorite dinners.  Chicken cutlet parmigiano with
rice and a salad.  My mom makes it better than any I have ever tasted.  The
mere sight of that pan of sauce and the mozzarella cheese smothering the
chicken cutlets gets my mouth watering.  It's always my `welcome back home'
dinner.

Nick and I made it back to my room and unpacked.  We brought in the
Christmas presents.  Dinner was almost ready and my dad just arrived home.
Nick went outside to greet my dad.  I think they like each other.

We had a great dinner.  It was good to be home and it's nice to watch my
parents with Nick.  It's interesting to watch him around them.  He's
different than when it is just he and I.  I guess that's to be expected.  I
am sure that I am different also.

One might think that he would be uptight, or tense around them, but he
seems softer, or more vulnerable, or younger.  When he's with me, he's
playful, sexy, obstinate, angry, loving, etc.  When he's around my family,
especially my mom he seems vulnerable and receptive to her.  With my dad,
he seems very interested or maybe it's engaging.  He likes talking to my
dad.

When we were finished with dinner my dad asked me to help him in the
backyard.  He wanted to move some of the patio furniture.  Nick stayed with
my mom and helped her with the dishes.  I kept glancing into the kitchen
through the window and I watched as he and my mom chatted away and laughed.
Everyone once in a while he'd see me looking in and he'd smile.

That night when we went to bed I told him what I had noticed.  He just lay
there and didn't say anything.  I asked him what was going on and he said,
"I hadn't thought about how it was for me.  I think it's more that your
parents seem happy to see me and your mom seems like she wants me to be her
friend or maybe like family or something."

I said, "Yeah, but you could be distant or not receptive or something like
that."

"Do you want me to be that way?"

"No way.  I love it.  But I was just thinking that even if your parents
accepted me I don't think I'd be so easy with them, or anyone's parents."

He said, "That's because you have parents who love you and are excited to
see you and basically adore you.  I don't.  It just feels so good to have
people treat me like they are happy to see me and like I belong here."

"Okay.  I get it."

"No you don't.  And, you never will."  We both lay there.  "I don't mean
that in a bad way.  You just can't know what it is like to have parents
like mine.  I can't know what it is like to have parents like yours, but I
can know what it is like to have them like me and it feels good," he said,
as his voice cracked with sadness.

"I'm sorry I brought this up.  I didn't mean to get you upset."  We lay
there.  "I guess I was wondering how you were doing about not seeing them
again for Christmas.  I'm happy that my parents fuss over you.  But I also
wonder if it makes you sad, but you seem happy."

"I don't want to talk about his anymore.  How about after Christmas?  We
can talk about it then.  Anyway, we've talked about this before."

I said, "Okay.  I just don't want you to be feeling upset and not talking
to me.  I just worry that my family gets to be a bit much and you look
happy but inside you're upset."

"I'm okay.  Really!  If I was talking to my parents I'd still rather be
here, so it's just like I'm talking to them, but enjoying myself here."

"Okay, but I just want you to know that you don't have to act like you are
happy when you're with me if you are not happy."

He said, "Okay. If you really want me to be happy I know what you could
do," as he rolled on top of me.

"You are such a pervert."  He laughed.  "So, what do you want me to do?" I
asked.

"Blow me," he said as he pushed his hips into mine.  I pushed him over onto
his back and went down on him; but just to make him happy.  "I want a nice
slow blow job.  Suck my dick nicely.  Yeah, just like that."  I looked up
at him and gave him the finger.  He laughed.  "You know you love it.  Yeah,
just like that."  He lay back and let me suck him for a while and then he
said, "Play with my balls."

"Are you going to let me blow you or are you going to direct a movie?"  I
went back to sucking his dick as I played with his balls.

"Play with my ass," he said looking down at me and smiling.  I laughed and
nodded.  "I know what you're thinking," he said and smiled.  I spit on my
finger and then started playing with his butt hole.  "Just suck my dick and
don't be a smart ass."  I pushed my finger up his butt hole as I licked his
balls.  Then I lifted his legs and began to lick his butt as I stroked his
dick.  "Just suck my dick," he said and laughed.  I spit on his butt hole
and then rolled him over and got on top of him.  He laughed.  "Let me cum
first," he pleaded.

"You like giving orders don't you," I said as I pushed my dick between the
cheeks of his ass.  He laughed.  "Say it," I said.  He laughed. "Come on,
say it," I said again.  I pushed my dick against his butt hole.  He
laughed.  "You know you want it."  He laughed.  I was lying on his back
with his face buried in the pillow.  I bit his ear.  He laughed.  I pushed
hard against his butt hole.

He laughed.  "I hate you," he said.  I bit him again and then began to
tickle him.  "Okay, okay.  Fuck me."  I gave one hard push and my dick
popped into his butt hole.  I started humping his ass and holding him
tightly.  "Fuck me," he kept repeating.  I kept humping him and biting his
shoulder.  I started fucking him hard and fast and then I came.

I lay on top of him for a while.  He leaned around and kissed me and said,
"I want you so fuckin much it gets me nuts."

"Yeah," I said, "You get me nuts, too."  I slipped out of him and then
rolled him over.  He was still hard.  He started jerking off as I held him.
I started kissing him and whispered, "Tell me when you get close."  He
nodded.  We kissed and he jerked.

"I'm close," he said.  I moved down on him and put my mouth over his cock
head as he kept jerking.  When he got to that point he pushed his dick into
my mouth and I started sucking him hard.  His body twitched and twisted as
he started to cum into my mouth.  He was moaning and groaning and saying,
"Oh fuck," over and over.  I swallowed his cum and kept his dick in my
mouth sucking on it softly.  He stroked my head.  "I love cumming in your
mouth."

I moved and kissed him.  "You like me fucking you, too, don't you."  He
smiled.

I rolled over next to him and lay on my side beside him.  "You going to
sleep?" he asked.  I looked up at him and smiled and nodded my head.  He
put his arm around me and pulled me closer to him.  I lay with my head on
his chest and I guess I feel asleep.

The next day, Nick and I went out with my dad and bought our Christmas
tree.  That night we all decorated it.  My mom has all these traditions.
When we decorate our tree we always have cocoa and homemade cookies.  I
like my cookies with ice cream.  The next day Nick and I went shopping with
my mom for our Christmas day dinner.  I hate shopping, but it was a nice
experience; spending the day with my mom and watching her and Nick chatting
about food.  She explained how to make chicken cutlet parmigiano.  She gave
him her lecture about Kraft Parmesan cheese, which she says is terrible,
versus Palmigiano-Reggiano.  We made a special trip to an Italian grocery
store to buy our Italian supplies.  Among those supplies is
Palmigiano-Reggiano.

When he told her than we always just buy Kraft in the green cardboard can
she said, "And just what kind of shit do you think comes in green
cardboard?"  She bought us a two pound piece of Palmigiano to bring back to
school with us.

As she paid for it Nick said, "But it's a chunk of cheese.  How do you get
it shredded up?'

My mom looked at the Italian guy behind the counter and they both rolled
their eyes.  He came back with a cheese grater.  My mother handed the
cheese and the grater to Nick and said, "Merry Christmas."  I know inside
she just loved every minutes of this.

My mom always makes lasagna for our Christmas day dinner.  She makes her
own noodles, which she makes the day before.  She also makes meat balls to
put in the lasagna.  Nick told her that he wanted to help her.  Listening
to them I smiled when I thought that she finally had the daughter she
always wanted.

Nick isn't the `I love to cook' kind of guy, so later I asked him what was
up.  He told me that my mom gives so much of herself to him that he wants
to give back to her and never knows how.  He said that she just seems to
smile a lot when he takes interest in her cooking so he feels like he's
able to give back to her.  He also said that he was interested in cooking.

We went home and started the process, or I guess I should say, continued
the process of getting things ready for Christmas day.  My mother started
baking Italian cookies days ago.  Nick, my dad, my mom and I started the
lasagna production.  Well, actually, it was mostly Nick and my mom.  My dad
and I sat and watched and poured the wine for my mom and Nick and my dad
and I.

We had a late dinner.  Then we opened our gifts.  My mom did her knit hat
and scarf thing.  Every year since I was born, my mother knits a hat and
scarf for me and different cousins.  Each year she picks a color and a
design and does her thing.  This year it was a navy blue with a gray trim.
To tell the truth, I love them and wear the hats a lot.  After we opened
out gifts, we had to take pictures of me in my knit hat and scarf.  We have
a picture for each year of my life; me in my hat and scarf in front of the
Christmas tree.  This year, like last year, there was also a picture of me
and Nick in our hats.

My mom and dad paid for your upcoming ski trip.  I thought they would, but
I didn't say anything to Nick.  We had put money aside for our trip.  Nick
and I decided not to spend a lot of money on gifts for each other.  We
decided that we wanted to try to save money for some kind of vacation this
summer.  I bought him clothes, CDs that he wanted, a couple of books and I
wrote him a poem that he promised me he'd never let anyone read.  I wanted
it to be something just between him and me.  I gave it to him Christmas
morning and he cried.

He gave me a new IPOD.  I lost mine, and I use it all the time.  I told him
that he promised not to spend a lot of money, but he told me to shut up.

Oh yeah, did I mention that Buddy also gets a scarf?  We have pictures of
her and me in front of the tree also.  I told you my mom is thick with
traditions.

We had a great Christmas family dinner.  It was fun.  Anthony and Carol
were there, which was great.  Mark and his wife also showed up.  Nick was a
lot more relaxed this year than last.  I think Thanksgiving really helped
Nick feel like he belongs to the family.  Several times I looked for him
and he was off with Anthony, Carol or Mark.  Actually, he and Mark seemed
to be hitting it off rather well.  They spent a lot of time chatting.  One
time I went looking for him and Carol told me that Mark and Nick took Buddy
for a walk.  It's nice that most everyone gets along.  My cousins Paulie
wisely didn't come for dinner.  We only had twenty-two people in the house
for Christmas dinner this year.  My mom complained that it's getting
smaller each year now that all the kids have families of their own.

All in all, Christmas dinner was uneventful.  We all ate too much.  My mom,
Carol and my aunts out do themselves every year.  The Lasagna was so good.
I ate so much of it, and I usually pace myself, that when they brought out
the ham and all the trimmings I had to pass.  I noticed that Nick didn't
have any trouble digging in.  Then they brought out all the nuts, cheeses
and fruit and more wine.  We took a break before they brought out all the
Italian cookies and pastries.  I had room for my share.

When Nick and I finally made it to bed, neither one of us had the energy to
fuck; we were too stuffed.

A couple of days later we went to visit with Matt and Tracy.  They are not
living together yet, but will be soon.  So, we stayed at Matt's apartment
for a night.  Matt was staying with Tracy.  We had a great time with them.
We went out to dinner.  Matt treated us and we had a wonderful dinner with
great wine.

I really enjoyed it.  It feels nice to be going out as a couple with
another couple.  At school we don't do that much.  We really don't know a
lot of people who are couples, and the ones that we do know are always busy
like we are.  Also, I think either Matt is growing as a person, or I am
seeing him in a different light, or he's more relaxed around Nick and me
for one of many reasons.  Whatever it is, it feels good.  Tracy is great
and she seems to be making an effort to build a friendship with Nick.  The
next day we hung around after breakfast, then went out to lunch and went to
see a movie.  Then Tracy had us over for dinner at her apartment.

Matt pulled me aside and told me that Nick mailed a gift to their parents.
He told me that his dad gave him the gift and told him to give it back.
The package wasn't even opened.  Matt asked me what he should do.  Should
he just throw the gift away so that Nick wouldn't have to deal with the
rejection once again, or should he give the gift to Nick?  We talk about it
for a while.  I felt myself burning inside, my jaw felt clinched tightly.
I felt sad, too.

Finally, we both decided that Matt should give Nick the gift.  No matter
what his reaction, it's best that he knows the truth.  If he thinks they
accepted the gift he might get his hopes up and think that they were
mellowing.  Matt walked into the kitchen with the package; Tracy and Nick
were preparing dinner.  Nick knew what it was immediately.  Tracy looked
sad.  Matt was concerned and staring at Nick.  I was angry at Nick's
parents.

Nick's mouth turned downward and all the joy left his eyes.  He shrugged
his shoulders and said, "I kind of figured they'd just throw it away."  He
looked at Matt and said, "I just don't want them to ever think that I've
written them off.  I don't want them to think that because they don't want
to know me that I don't want to know them."

Matt nodded and said, "If you do this again and they try to give it to me,
I'm going to tell them to either give it to charity, throw it away or mail
it back to you.  I hate that I got put in the middle of this."

Nick nodded and said, "It's cool.  Just throw it away."

Matt asked, "What is it?"

Nick said, "It's a shirt and sweater for dad; the kind he wears.  And I got
mom one of those sweater jackets that she wears."

Matt said, "How about if we just give them to Goodwill or something?"

Nick said, "Yeah, that's good."

I felt my stomach churning.  I knew he was hurting.  It's weird, sometimes
I think it is so great that my family is so loving toward him, but then
sometimes I wonder if it makes it worse for him.  I think it might be worse
in that he sees that my parents are so concerned about both of us and
accepting and loving, and his parents are so rejecting.  I wonder if it
makes their rejection of him even more painful.

That night as we drove to Matt's apartment I asked Nick if he was upset.
He said, "About what?"  I think that was the wrong answer.  I don't know
why exactly, maybe because I was worrying about him, or maybe because I
knew he knew exactly what I was talking about, or maybe I thought he was
going to try to bullshit me and tell me he was fine, but I was instantly
angry at him.

"About what; about your father sending the gift back, that's about what."

"Why are you angry?"

"Because you're not.  Why aren't you angry?  Don't you feel hurt or
anything?"

"Yeah, I guess," Nick said sullenly.

"Then why say about what?"

"I don't know.  What does it matter?"

"You know what Matt said to me before we left?"  Nick looked at me.  "He
said that when you were kids your dad either ignored you or criticized you
and that you never got angry or anything.  You just always acted like you
were pathetic and that made your dad even more critical.  Matt said that
when he gave you the gift back you looked just like you were when you were
a kid.  He said it brought it all back for him."  Nick just stared at me.
"You did look pathetic."

"So how am I supposed to look?"

"Angry; how about angry?  Why aren't you angry at him?"

"Because I guess I knew he wouldn't take the gift."

"So, then why did you send it?"

"I wanted him to know that I didn't disown them."

I was getting angrier.  "Why aren't you?  They threw you away.  Why aren't
you angry at them?  Don't you think that sending them a gift was bullshit?
I mean in some really fucked up way it was saying fuck you to them.  And,
it was pathetic."

"Fuck you," Nick said angrily.

"If someone said they didn't want to have anything to do with me and I sent
them a Christmas gift wouldn't you think it was weird?"

"They aren't anyone."

"Nick, I get it, believe me.  But they are being nasty and when people are
nasty you at least back off.  I mean if you respect them then respect their
wishes and back off.  But you're saying fuck you I'm not backing off.  And,
your asshole father, instead of just tossing the fucking gift, or giving it
to his church, or mailing back to you, hands it to your brother and tells
him to return it to you."

"I just wanted him to know I'm still open to a relationship with him."

"No, you're saying I'm a bigger man than you, and you know it.  If someone,
anyone in my family said that I should fuck off, I'd fuck off and I'd tell
them to fuck off."  He stared at me.  "Do you remember when Paul blew you
off and everyone got angry?"  He nodded.  "Do you remember when we told my
mother and she got upset and said he'd better not show his face in her
house?"  He nodded.  "Didn't you say that if it was your mother she would
have said, `Oh he must have not seen you, or it was probably a
misunderstanding or some shit like that'?"

"Yeah, so what?"

"Well, Buckoo, you're just like your mother.  Let's just all be happy.
Let's all just ignore hurtful things.  And, the more hurtful they are,
let's just act the happier.  Your dad throws you out of your house and says
never come back and you send him a Christmas gift."

"I'm not being like her."

"You're right, Betty (that's his mother's name), you're not ".

"Fuck you."

We arrived at Matt's apartment.  Nick called his brother.  "You think I am
being pathetic?" he asked Matt.  Matt said yes.  I saw anger come over
Nick's face.  "Why do you think that?"

Matt said, "You think you're doing this out of respect for mom and dad, but
you are doing this because you have no respect for yourself.  That's how
you were when you were a kid, and I guess you had to be that way, but now
you don't.  I don't know how you think they will ever respect you if you
don't respect yourself."

Then Matt told him that he told Tracy that he's thinking that he's going to
tell his parents that if they continue treating Nick the way they are
treating him, he, Matt, is going to stop seeing them and if he and Tracy
get married he's going to ask Nick to be his best man and he's not going to
invite them.  Nick was surprised.  He said he talked to Tracy about it and
she said, "Good for you".

Matt asked Nick, "How is it that I'm going to disown them because of how
they are treating you and you're sending them Christmas gifts.  I'm going
to say, if you can't respect my brother then I can't respect you.  And what
are you saying?"

I think Nick was overwhelmed.  They talked for a while.  He said goodbye
and hung up.

"Why are you angry at me and Matt?" I asked.

"Because I think you don't understand.  I just want them to know that if
they change their minds I'll be okay with them."

"Fuck Nick, if they change their minds they'll call Matt and say, we've
changed our minds and we want to love Nick and can we call him and he'll
say yes, but you look pathetic sending them gifts when they tell you to
fuck off.  I mean you can respect them as your parents, but what the fuck
are you doing sending them gifts.  It's like you're saying, kick me again,
it's okay with me.  I mean, if someone walks up to you and steps on your
foot do you say, `Oh sorry, my foot was in your way" and then put your foot
out there again for them to step on again.  No, you say, `Excuse me that
was my foot you stepped on' and if they say, `oh sorry', then you say, `no
problem'.  If they say, `yeah, I know and get it the fuck out of my way',
then you say, `fuck you'.  You don't put your foot out their again unless
you're looking to kick their ass when they step on it again.  But, it looks
pathetic if you say, `sorry' and then put it out their again to be stepped
on and then say `sorry' again."

Then he told me what Matt said about ending his relationship with his
parents if the continue treating Nick the way they are treating him.  At
first I was surprised and then I wasn't.  I said, "Fuck, I love your
brother."

Nick said, "I'm going to bed."

"No you're not.  Not, until we settle this."

"How are we going to settle this?  You want me to say you're right.  Fine,
you're right."

I said, "Fuck you, asshole."

We went to bed.  I rolled over to go to sleep and he said, "Are you going
to sleep?"

"I'm going to try."

"I hate the idea of you seeing me as pathetic."

"I don't see you as pathetic.  I see what you did as sad and
understandable, but I agree with your brother that you are acting like you
have no self respect.  And I know you do, but when it comes to your parents
you are acting like when you were ten years old and you're not."

"So what would you do?" Nick asked.

I rolled over and just stared at him.  "I would have been crying most of
Christmas if my parents had thrown me away, but I would have never sent
them a gift.  You aren't crying about it, but you send them a gift.  It's
like you're living in lala land."

We just lay there for a while.

I said, "My grandmother use to say something.  I never understood what it
meant, but I think I do now."

"What?"

"When someone would do something nasty or say something nasty, she'd say,
`tell them to go shit in their hat'."

Nick laughed, "That sounds like her."

"I'd tell them to go shit in their hat."

He rolled over and put his arm around me and said, "My way makes it like it
isn't happening, your way makes it too real."

I said, "I think it's cool that Matt would even think about disowning
them."

We didn't say anything else.  We or I guess I eventually fell asleep.

The next morning, Nick made coffee and woke me.  We showered and started
our ride back to my parent's house.  We stopped for breakfast.

"You're still upset, aren't you?" I asked after we ordered our breakfast.

"It's just hard for me to think that you think I'm pathetic.  It sounds
ugly."

"First off, I've never thought of you as pathetic.  It's not even close to
how I would ever describe you.  It was your brother who used the word.  I
think, if I had to describe this situation, I'd say you were being passive
aggressive."

"How so?"

"I don't know.  It's like you're saying to your father that you are a
better person than he is.  I mean you are, but it's like you're sticking
your finger in his eye.  `You've thrown me away because of something about
me, but I'm not going to throw you away because of something about you.
I'm better than you'.  It just feels angry."

"So I'm angry."

"Well, then fuckin' act like you're angry.  I'd be angry.  Where the fuck
does he get off treating you like this.  Where is it written that this is
acceptable?  Jesus said, `He who has not sinned cast the first stone'.
Your father is a prick, a self righteous prick.  So, let him be one, but
don't kiss his ass as he treats you like shit."

"You don't understand."

"No, I guess I don't.  But if my parents did this to me, I'd be hurt and
I'd be angry and I'd respect their wishes and I'd stay away until they
changed their mind.  And yes, I'd be feeling like shit and hurting and
crying, but I wouldn't kiss their ass and have them kick mine again and
again."

Nick nodded his head.  "Are you pissed?"

"Yes, I'm pissed, but not at you.  I'm pissed at them.  I've been worrying
about you and so has my mom."

"Why?"

"Because you're acting like everything is all okay."

We finished our breakfast, climbed back into our car and headed to my
parent's house.  Finally, Nick broke down and cried.  He agreed that
sending the gift was just a way for him to feel like things were close to
normal.  He said he knew that his parents would never accept the gift.

I started feeling guilty for all that I had said.  I asked him if he was
crying because of things I said and he said no.  He said that he knows that
making believe that what is happening isn't happening isn't good for him,
but he feels scared and lonely when he thinks his parents don't love him.

I tried to assure him that they did love him, but then he said, "Okay, so
now who is trying to denial reality?"

I said, "Look, I don't know you're parents and I don't know how they feel,
but I know my parents and my family and they love you.  I've seen my mom
and dad with family and my friends and they tolerate the ones they don't
like and enjoy the ones they do.  But, when they really love someone they
open themselves to them.  My parents liked you when they first met you and
it was because you are my boyfriend.  But I can tell it has changed.  My
parents love you.  My cousins like you a lot and as they get to know you
they will love you too.  Believe me if they didn't like you, you'd know
it."

"I know."

"I know it doesn't make up for your parents, but just know that there are
people who love you."  He nodded.  "When we get to my house and my mom
comes outside with Buddy watch how she waits for you to kiss her."

"What do you mean?"

"My mom does this thing.  If she doesn't like someone or isn't really open
to them, she'll say hi and keep at a distance.  If she's open to you,
she'll come up to you and hug you and will be there for you to kiss her on
the cheek."

"So you think it would be okay for me to kiss your mom?"

I laughed and said, "More than okay.  She'd love it, but she knows that you
aren't the hugs and kisses type, so she won't just kiss you."

"Why do you say that?"

"Well, you're not.  In my family we kiss.  I kiss my dad.  I kiss my
cousins, boys and girls.  If I had a brother, I'd kiss him.  It's just how
I was raised.  You weren't raised like that."

"I kiss you."

I laughed.  "You kiss me when you want my dick, or when I remind you to
kiss me when we are leaving the apartment or when you come home."

"I'm getting better."

I laughed, "Yeah, you are."

"So, you think it would be okay for me to kiss your mom on the cheek."

"Ah, yeah."

As we got close to home, Nick called my mom and told her we'd be there in
about five minutes.  When we pulled into the driveway my mom and Buddy were
waiting outside for us.  Buddy jumped up and down and barked.  When Nick
walked up to my mom he opened his arms and she opened hers and they hugged.
I watched as Nick kissed my mom on the cheek.  She was all smiles; so was
he.  I walked up to my mom and started talking to her as we walked into the
house.  She said to me, "What's this, I'm not getting a kiss?"  I smiled
and leaned over and kissed her on the forehead.  "That's better," she said.
"Don't think you're ever too old not to kiss your mother," she barked and
pinched me.

"Yes, Mom; sorry.  You know I think you're getting shorter."  She pinched
me again.  "I'm hungry.  What's to snack on?" I asked.

We hung around my parent's house for a few days.  We went to the movies.
We went for drives.  We did some running and some shopping.  One afternoon
my mom took Nick out for the afternoon.  She wanted to go shopping with him
alone.  I hung around the house with Buddy and did some reading.

We decided to spend New Years with my cousins Anthony and Carol and then
leave on New Years day for our ski trip.  Nick and I were both excited.

When we arrived, Kenny and his wife were already checked into our condo.
We had a three bedroom, two and a half bath condo.  One bedroom was a
master suite with its own bathroom.  Another full bath was shared by the
two other bedrooms and there was a common half bathroom.

Kenny decided that Anthony and Carol should have the master suite and that
Nick and I and Kenny and his wife should have the other two bedrooms and
share the bathroom.  But Annie said she wouldn't share the bathroom with
three guys, so she was going to use the bathroom in the master suite with
Carol and if Anthony needs to use a bathroom he could use the common one or
the one the guys were using.

We all unpacked and then went down to the village for dinner and then to
the grocery store to get stuff for breakfast and stuff to snack on.  Carol
and Annie grabbed Nick and off they went leaving the three of us to hang
around the magazine racks which was fine with me.  I kept looking for Nick
to see how he was doing and he seemed to be having a great time with them.
I think they are both in love with him.  It's funny to watch straight woman
with a gay guy and watch their husbands completely ignore what is going on.
If Nick were straight, both my cousins would be pissed off at the way they
were hanging on Nick, but they never even glanced up from the magazine
racks to see what was going on.  When we are done shopping we headed back
to the condo, opened a bag of chips and had a beer.  Then we all headed to
bed for an early morning wake up.

I was awakened by someone crawling into bed.  At first I thought it was
Nick with my coffee, but it wasn't.  It was Kenny.  He said that Annie,
Carol and Nick were in the kitchen making coffee and breakfast and that
Anthony was awake.  I jumped out of bed to go and pee and then got back in
bed.  I was naked, Kenny had boxers on.  I guess most guys would have felt
awkward, especially in the morning, but Kenny and I weren't modest around
each other.  He and I talked about playing a trick on Nick.  Kenny asked if
I thought Nick could take a joke.  I assured him that Nick was a good sport
and that he was sure they were going to plan something to get him.  Kenny
said that he hadn't come up with anything yet, but he and Anthony were
trying to think of something.

We heard Nick say that he was going to wake me up.  Annie teased him about
bring me coffee.  She said that Kenny would have to be really good in bed
before she'd bring him coffee in bed.  Nick said that was why he brought me
coffee in bed.  They all laughed.  Kenny jumped out of bed and went a got
Anthony.  Anthony and Kenny snuck into my bedroom.  Kenny said, "Get out of
bed."  Anthony was smiling.

"What are you guys going to do?"

"Kenny is going to make like he's you," Anthony said.

Kenny asked, "How does he wake you up?"

"He rubs my stomach or my back, depending on how I'm sleeping."  I started
laughing.  "He's going to be so surprised."

I got out of bed and put on my boxers.  Kenny took off his and got in bed
and covered himself up.  Anthony and I went into the bathroom and got
behind the door and watched through the crack of the door.  Anthony and I
watched.  We could see Kenny laughing under the covers.  He put the pillow
over his face.  He was lying on stomach.  Anthony ran into the bedroom and
told Kenny not to move until Annie came in to wake him up.  He came back
into the bathroom and said he was going to run through Kenny's bedroom and
tell Carol and Annie what we were doing after Nick came in to wake me up.
He would tell Annie to wait a minute and then come in and yell to Kenny to
wake up and find Nick and Kenny in bed.

We waited.  The bedroom door opened and then closed.  Anthony ran through
Kenny's bedroom and about a minute later tip-toed back into the bathroom.
While he was away, Nick put down two cups of coffee on the nightstand.  He
pulled off his tee shirt and took off his pants.  He hadn't put on his
boxers.  He got into bed and began to move over toward Kenny.

Nick whispered, "Sunshine," in his teasing voice (I keep telling him that
he has far too many nicknames for me.  This is a new one he uses in the
morning, because I have trouble waking up).  "Wake up."  Kenny grunted.
Again, Nick whispered, "Sunshine."  Anthony came back into the bathroom
through Kenny's room.  Nick must have heard him.  He said, "Wake up.  I
think Kenny is in the bathroom so you can hang out in bed a few more
minutes, but everyone is up."  Kenny grunted.  Nick moved closer to Kenny
and began to run his hand over Kenny's back and then down over his butt.
Anthony and I watched and almost burst out laughing as Nick started
cuddling up to Kenny.  "Don't you want your coffee," Nick asked, as he ran
his hand up and down Kenny butt.

Then the bedroom door opened and Nick looked up.  He looked surprised.
Annie said, "Kenny, wake up." And then looked at Nick and said, "What are
you doing in our room?"  Kenny lifted the pillow and looked at Nick and
said, "Oh my god, I thought you were my wife."

The expression on Nick face was priceless as he glanced around the room.
He started to jump out of bed, but then he remembered he was naked.  Then
we all started laughing.  Nick said, "I can't fuckin' believe you guys.
You know I thought your ass felt different."  We all laughed, including
Nick.

Kenny said, "That felt good, you know what you were doing, running your
finger up and own the crack of my ass.  I was actually getting turned on.
You should show my wife what you were doing."

Nick said, "I'm so embarrassed."  We all sat on the bed and drank coffee
and laughed.  Nick said, "Well, I'm glad that's out of the way.  Now I can
relax.  I knew you guys were going to pull something."

We went skiing after breakfast.  It had recently snowed so there was powder
at the top of the mountain.  Nick took lessons that morning.  We all met up
for lunch and then he skied with us.  Carol, Annie, Kenny and Anthony are
all very good skiers, but we hung around the intermediate slopes with Nick.
He was certainly getting better.  He seemed more confident.  It was a good
start for our five days of skiing.  Typically we ski four of the five days
and hang out one day.  Usually, we ski for two days, take a day off and
then ski two days.  But, that is if the weather cooperates.  This year it
did.

After two days of skiing we decided to go to the hot springs at night.  The
mountain we were skiing on is a volcano, as most mountains on the West
Coast are.  Water, melted snow, falls down into underground streams which
are heated by the steam from the volcanic rock that makes up the mountain.
About ten miles from where we ski is a river that flows from the mountain.

There is a place to park.  The temperature outside is about 25 degrees.
The night was clear, the stars were out.  We pulled up to where people were
parked and climbed out of the car.  We had towels.  Everyone, including us,
stripes down naked and wraps themselves in a towel and puts on tennis
shoes.  Then we walked down to the river.  There, we took off our towels
and shoes.  We piled them all up together and then made our way into the
river.  When you first get in, the water is cold; probably from melting
ground snow up river, but as you move into the center of the river it gets
hotter and hotter.  There is steam rising off the water.  So, naked, the
six of us waded quickly into the water, trying to find a warm spot.  We
were about waste deep when it started to feel comfortable.  We all squatted
down.  Soon the water seemed a bit too cool so we began moving in closer to
the warmer water.  It was getting pretty hot quickly.  Before long we were
in water that was about 100 degrees which felt like being in a hot tub.  It
felt great.  There were about thirty or forty people around us.

Nick and I were standing next to each other.  We watched as Carol began to
hang onto Anthony.  Annie moved behind Kenny and put her arms around his
neck and her legs around his waist.  He held on to her.  We were all
talking.  I moved; I knew Nick wouldn't, and moved behind him and put my
arms around him and then my legs around his waist.  He glanced back at me
and smiled.  He looked a bit embarrassed but it was dark.  We all continued
talking.  Later, we moved out of the warm water and into cooler water by
moving closer to the rivers edge and this time Nick moved in behind me and
held on to me.  Again, we all hung out and talking.  We were telling
stories about how we all met, how we became interested in each other.  It
was a wonderful evening.

I know it must seem odd to most people to imagine four guys and two women
getting naked with each other.  Especially, if the two women are married to
cousins and probably for straight guys to get naked around gay guys, but it
didn't seem weird at all.  I grew up seeing my cousins naked, as they did
me.  And I had seen both Annie and Carol naked before.  This wasn't the
first time we had come to this very river.  I think Nick was feeling weird
at first, but he said he wasn't.  Before long he seemed like his normal
relaxed and funny self.  He told everyone about how he had this crush on
this guy, me, who he was sure was straight.  How he tried to keep in touch
with me and how he took up running because he wanted to have something that
we could do together.  He mentioned how excited he was when I agreed to be
his roommate and how jealous he was of the girl I was dating.  He talked
about how he tried to comfort me when she broke up with me.  And then he
said that inside he was shouting, "YES, you stupid bitch, NOW HE'S GOING TO
BE MINE."  Everyone laughed.

Annie asked him why he was dating a girl if he was so into me.  He told her
that he really believed that I was straight and that I'd never really be
interested in him as a boyfriend.  I pinched him because I thought he was
going to mention that he then found out I was dating a guy and I knew
they'd all look at me and say, "Who was that?"  He got my message and just
skipped that part.  He just told them that he confessed his love to me and
knew that since I was straight that I'd tell him we couldn't be friends
anymore, but then I told him that I was attracted to him, too, and that I
was opened to us being boyfriends.

Annie said, "Oh my god, that's so romantic."  Kenny just shook his head.

We skied the next day.

The next day we hung around the condo.  We played cards and read and
napped, went into the village for lunch and dinner and window shopped.

The next two days we went skiing.  Nick is getting much better.  Each
morning Anthony and Kenny and I would go off and ski the top of the
mountain.  The girls and Nick would ski together.  We'd met for lunch and
then I'd ski the afternoon with Nick.  Then we'd all met up, head to the
pool and the hot tub and hand out.  Then we would head into town for dinner
and then back to the condo to crash.  The last night we were there we went
down to the hot springs again.  The first time we went it seemed to me that
Nick was a little bashful in front of everyone.  But this time he was the
first to undress and didn't even bother to cover himself with a towel as we
walked to the river.  As we got out of the river Carol said, "Damn, Nick
you've got a nice butt."

Nick said, "Jeff's butt is better."

Carol said, "Yeah, I know.  He's always had a cute butt."

Then Annie said to Kenny, "Why don't you trim your pubic hair like they
do?"

Kenny said, "Why should I?  And why are you checking out their crotches?"

Annie said, "Well, you're cousin is kind of hard to miss.  And, besides, it
looks clean and nice, not all hairy."

Nick said, "Yeah, and when it's all long and bushy you get hair in your
mouth."

Kenny just looked at Nick and shook his head and said, "I wouldn't know
about that and neither would my wife."

We all laughed.  Annie said, "Yeah, well if you looked like that things
might be different."

Nick said, "I trim Jeff's.  If you want Kenny, I can do yours.  Really, I
don't mind."

Everyone laughed.  Kenny said, "That's okay, Nick.  But thank you anyway."

Again, we hung out in the river and talked.  Again, we talked about what we
liked about our significant others.  Of course, it didn't go long before
the size of my dick was being talked about.  Carol and Annie tried to talk
me into getting turned on and showing them.  I declined the offer.  They
said they didn't believe that I was as big as Nick was saying.  Kenny and
Anthony assured them that I was.  I assured both Annie and Carol that I
wasn't really that much bigger than their husbands.

We went back to the condo and had a few beers.  Usually, we'd be in bed by
about ten, but it was already midnight and none of us were heading to bed.
We all had a great time and I think we did not want it to end.  Finally,
off to bed we went.

Nick and I sixty-nined until we both came as we had the four nights before,
then we cuddled and fell asleep.

The next day we packed up our cars and said good-bye.  Annie couldn't stop
hugging Nick.  I was standing near Kenny.  Kenny and I have always been
close, but what's weird is that we don't email or call each other much.
But when we get together it's like I just saw him yesterday and we are the
best of friends.

He hugged me and kissed me on the mouth and said, "I love you, squirt.  I
miss you so much.  I still hope that some day you and I will live near
enough to each other so we can see a lot more of each other."

"Me too.  It seem like Annie and Nick like each other."

He laughed.  "She thinks he's wonderful."

I said, "Maybe Nick and I can come to visit this summer."

"How about if we plan a trip or something?  We can go camping; we can go to
Brice and Zion and the Grand Canyon.  Do some camping and stay at a hotel
here and there."

"That would be great.  Yeah, I'd love that.  I know Nick would, too.  Okay,
let's plan on that."

He smiled.  He pulled me into him again and hugged me and said, "I love
you."

I said, "I love you, too.  And, thank you."

He asked, "For what?"

I said, "I don't know.  Just for being you.  For being so cool about me
being gay and about Nick and stuff."

He pitched my tit and said, "Shut up.  Damn, don't you even think you need
to thank me for that, asshole.  You're my cousin and you know what they
say.  `I'd take a bullet for you'.

I laughed and noticed that Annie and Nick were watching and listening to
us.  Annie said, "He would.  I'm not sure he'd take one for me, but you
he'd take one for."

Kenny said to her, "You're not blood and I can always get another wife.  My
aunt is too old to make anymore cousins."

We laughed.  I hugged and kissed Annie.

We drove to Anthony's house.  We spent the night.  Then in the morning we
drove to my parent's house.  The next day we loaded up the car, got Buddy
into the back seat.  She was more than happy to come with us, and then
headed back to school.

We had been working on `Craig Finds Paradise' but still had not finished
it.  We spent the drive to school arguing about what should happen and then
typing.  Nick was enjoying being Craig with his nine inch dick.  Buddy
slept in the backseat.


Well, this had gotten to be longer than I thought.  I still have to proof
read it, UGH.  So, I am going to stop here.

I want to add this: Some one emailed me about a book "Mysterious Skin" by
Scott Heim.  Both Nick and I read it and we thought it was great.  I don't
remember who it was that suggested it, but thank you.  Those of you who
haven't read it and are into reading might give it a read.

Also, when I was a sophomore in high school I told an English teacher that
I wanted to be a writer someday.  At the end of that year, he gave me a
list of books by American authors that he thought every well educated
person should read, especially if that person was interested in writing.
It was a long list.  He said that the list contained what he thought were
classics and other books that he thought were well written.

When I showed the list to my mother she agreed and said that I should make
it my goal for that summer to read at least ten of those books.  But, which
ten, I wondered.  She went through the list and pick out ten.  My mother is
an avid reader.  Number one on her list was Truman Capote's "In Cold
Blood".  I read it.  I remember picking it up and sitting in my room hour
after hour, not being able to put it down.  I mention this because of the
movie that is out and the Oscars.  It's not a gay novel.  And it might not
be a great novel, but I'd give anything to be able to write a novel that
reads as that one does and has the ability to capture the reader as it
does.

When I was finished with the book, I asked my mother why she thought that
should be the first one that I read.  She asked me what I thought of it.  I
told her that I couldn't stop reading it.  She said, "Exactly and that is
why I suggested it."  I remember, next I read "The Grapes of Wrath", which
is a classic.  I loved that novel.  Then I read "The Exorcist".  Not a
classic, but another book I could not put down.  I think I read the entire
book in one day and night.  I remember sitting in bed very late at night
not being able to go to sleep until I finished the book.  Not so much
because it was great, but because it scared the shit out of me and I
couldn't go to sleep until I got to the end of the book.  What a thrilling
ride to get from a book.  Then I read, Salinger's, "The Catcher in the
Rye", a classic.

Anyway, books that take hold of a reader are hard to find.  I enjoyed
"Mysterious Skin", but if you want to be grabbed by a book, read "In Cold
Blood" if you haven't.

Thanks for all your support.  Nick and I are doing great.  Buddy is still
here, but we're about to take her home.  I think Nick will become depressed
as will Buddy.