Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2006 22:23:30 -0700 From: christopher. Subject: breaking through part 26 Standard disclaimers apply, this is fiction and doesn't imply anything about the real characters that these fictional characters are based on. This is my story, don't use my fictional characters without asking. This is also intended for adults, so if you're not allowed to read this, don't. Author's Note: A huge thank you goes out to everyone who's sent comments and suggestions, especially regarding what's been transpiring between the characters. This might not be the end of that problem, but I thought I ended it last time, so anything can happen. If you're into Jake fiction, head on over to the Gyllenhaal Chronicles at http:// groups.msn.com/TheGyllenhaalChronicles/_whatsnew.msnw and tell everyone what you think. All comments, feedback, suggestions, and complaints can be sent via E-mail at christopherrluu@gmail.com or my iChat screen-name babyofthe1980s. Part XXVI Chris felt a heavy weight on top of him, a hand sliding up under his t-shirt as his eyes fluttered open. It wasn't a dream. "What are you doing here?" "I had to be the first person to tell you," Jake whispered, nose nuzzling into Chris' neck. It felt so good not to be in a hotel room, to be right there with Chris under him. "Tell me what? It's one in the morning," Chris groaned, Jake's scratchy stubble rasping against his collarbone. "Happy birthday," Jake said softly, "God, I missed you." It was the truth too, even though it had only been two days. Their lips came together, a trace of minty toothpaste on Chris' tongue as Jake's slid past it, Chris' hands settling on Jake's lower back. "I thought we were going to celebrate this weekend," Chris said as he slipped his t-shirt up over his head. "I couldn't wait," Jake said, hand running down Chris' chest, "anything to get away and see you." Chris gasped, fingers tangling in Jake's thick hair as he moved his lips down his neck to suck on his throat. He was barely conscious and now Jake was all over him, hands and mouth working together to wake him up instantly. He arched up onto his shoulders when Jake's hand wrapped around his cock; he didn't know if he was hard already or if Jake had to get him there, but when Jake pulled his boxers off, his mind went blank. "Fuck, Jake," Chris hissed, his body going rigid as Jake's tongue ran a long stroke up his length, his toes curling as Jake's fingers ran across his balls. He didn't know how loud his groans were, but they echoed in his ears, every grunt and his resonating inside his head as Jake sucked him, his cock enveloped in the comforting warmth between Jake's lips. It wasn't that Jake never did it, it was just that Jake hadn't done it in a long time and he'd almost forgotten how good it always was, his fingers tangling in Jake's hair, his hips thrusting up on their own, his body just rushing towards release because it was just too good. Jake's tongue moved down to his balls, lapping at them as he stroked Chris, feeling his shaft throb in his fingers, Chris' body shivering with every move he made. He got up, scooting Chris further onto the bed and steadying the both of them as he slicked up a finger, hot spit coating it as he bent down again, tongue swirling around the sensitive tip of Chris' cock. He could taste Chris' pre-cum, a familiar mix of sweet and bitter, and when he slid his finger up inside Chris' hole, he got another few drops of it, Chris' body stiffening under him. That was one thing about Jake that Chris always forgot until he did it: a blowjob was never just a blowjob. Chris' fingers grabbed at the sheets, knuckles white as he knotted the fabric between his fingers, his breathing ragged and his entire body drowning in the waves coming from Jake's mouth and fingers. Chris shuddered, biting his lip as he held it in; he didn't want it to end, ever. If he could just be in the warmth of Jake's mouth all the time, if they could be together every minute of every day, he'd be the happiest person on Earth, especially if Jake kept sucking on him, lapping at his balls, and circling his prostate. He grunted, back arched high and toes curling as he came, thick spurts shooting into Jake's mouth. Jake's finger pressed deeper, feeling Chris constrict, pushing harder when he felt the spurts in his mouth and Chris swore he saw stars, flashes of light on his eyelids; Jake swallowed greedily before he licked a few more long strokes on Chris' shaft, kissing up Chris' chest until he met Chris' breathless lips. "Happy birthday," Jake whispered, holding Chris tight as he regained his breath, his hand running lazy circles on Chris' stomach. "God," Chris said, voice breathy and breathing still ragged, "Jake, just...fuck." Jake rolled up on top of Chris, "Can you keep quiet?" Jake asked, lips on Chris' ear, finger slipping down his stomach and past his balls, rubbing the ridge of skin between Chris' balls and asshole lightly, touch feather-light, goose bumps popping up all over Chris' body. Chris shook his head, knowing that he wouldn't be able to keep it inside. He lost control, every single time he let Jake push him past every obstacle and he just rode it out, let his body react to everything. Jake left a trail of kisses down his jaw, two fingers slipping inside and Chris gasping, his entire body just a huge knot of sensation, every move that Jake made seemed magnified because he was trying not to moan or yell, keeping it all inside just seemed to make it multiply. "Do it, just keep going," Chris whispered, the words came out so soft he didn't know if they even came out, "Jake, just fuck me." "You have to keep it down," Jake said, lips on Chris' neck as he brought their chests together and wrapping one of Chris' legs around his waist. He knew Chris wouldn't be able to control it, he could barely control his own breathing, but when he inched forward, cock pressing against Chris' hole, he saw Chris' quick breath; he really was trying to keep it quiet. "Get it in there," Chris said, voice dry as his eyes shut tight, "just...oh God." He couldn't finish, every last inch of Jake slid into him, one slick motion lodging the thick shaft as deep as Jake could push it. Jake watched as Chris' mouth opened wide, no sound coming out, his entire body tensing as Jake stood his ground, their bodies connected. Chris didn't know how long Jake just stayed there, cock just pulsing inside him, but he grabbed Jake's head and slammed their lips together, the only sure way to keep him quiet. He slid his tongue against Jake's, feeling how fast Jake's heart was beating, feeling them just melt into each other as Jake ran his hand down his side, resting on his hip as he pulled out, drawing a quiet gasp from Chris' throat. Chris shook his head furiously, fingers scrambling in Jake's thick hair, "Don't move, don't move, don't move," Chris whispered. His breathing was heavy, barely controlled, but he was sure that if Jake gave him just one more minute, he could take it and not get too out of control. "I can't," Jake said, almost growled, holding Chris steady as he slammed his cock back in, Chris' body shuddering under him. He gripped Chris' hip, other hand on Chris' shoulder as he thrust inside, the connection that he craved every day on the set rushing back to him as he felt his body take over, his head cloudy as every movement became smooth and languid, everything rushing towards one thing. His teeth bit into Chris' neck, eyes shut as he thrust long and smooth, Chris letting low grunts escape his mouth, the occasional groan finding its way to Jake's ear, the springs of the sofa bed squeaking under their heaving bodies. "Right there," Chris said, louder than he thought it'd come out, as he gripped Jake's hips, halting them as he just let the sensation wash over him, his jaw shaking as his neck fell slack, head rolling back onto the messy sheets of the bed. Jake froze, his forehead pressed hard against Chris' shoulder as he just breathed, body shivering as Chris tensed under him, soaking in the feelings that rushed all over his body. Jake's cock rested right on his prostate, Chris rolling his hips, fingertips digging into Jake's waist. "Just for a little," Chris gasped, "right here." Jake nodded weakly, concentrating on the feeling of Chris' fingers sliding up his back and not the clutching warmth of Chris' hole. He was going crazy, it took everything for him not to just rail in and out, but it was for Chris, after all, and if he wanted it slow, Jake wasn't going to take it there. Chris' lips lingered on his neck, hot breath sweeping across Jake's damp skin. His own cock was hard and leaking, rubbing against the hard muscles of Jake's stomach. Jake was barely moving, just raking his cock backwards and forward the tiniest bit, but Chris was still shuddering under him. "Okay," Chris whispered, words coming with more effort than he thought they should have. His voice was shaking as hard as he was, "I need to cum. Fuck...make me cum, Jake." That was all it took, Chris gasping as he fisted the sheets, bracing himself as Jake pulled his cock out slowly, gripped Chris tight and slammed back in, a loud groan coming from the both of them. The barriers broke and Chris wasn't even going to try to keep anything in. Jake grunted, thrusting hard and fast, feeling the rush all over his body. Chris arched, feeling Jake's cock hit his prostate again and again, fire spreading all over his body, he couldn't control himself now even if he wanted to, it was like Jake hit something inside him that just smashed through everything, releasing something inside him that only came out when they were like this, boiled down to nothing but instinct and the lust. It seemed to take over the both of them, Jake's thrusts erratic as he shoved his tongue into Chris' mouth, both of them grunting and moaning, the air filling with the sound of skin on skin and labored breathing. Jake could feel himself getting close, drowning in the waves that were washing over his body, every muscle numb from fatigue but still working hard towards orgasm. Grabbing Chris' cock, Jake jerked furiously, Chris' hands gripping his shoulders hard, head thrown back as he shot, thick spurts of cum shooting between their sweaty bodies. Chris fell slack, his entire body racked with spasms as Jake kept thrusting into Chris' clenching chute, every inch of his cock wrapped in delicious tightness, Chris was whimpering now, body fallen victim to his basest urges, Jake's thrusts still hard and severe, Chris' head spinning at the sensation of being fucked through his orgasm, part of him wanting it to go on forever and another wanting it to be over so Jake could feel the same way he did. Cum smeared between their bodies as Jake leaned down to kiss him again, his lips hungry on Jake's and his hands on the small of Jake's back, feeling the muscles tense as he thrust, feeling Jake's hard cock sliding in and out of him, his prostate still shooting shocks through his body. Jake grabbed him tight, their bodies coming together, every part of them connecting as they collided, Jake's body stiffening and frozen as he came, one last hard thrust all the way in, buried to the hilt as his cock shot, searing streams of cum spilling into Chris' hole. Another whimper from Chris' lips and Jake finally relaxed, his body suddenly flexible again. He rolled off of Chris, pulling him into the motion so that they were both on their sides. Chris' kisses were desperate but fleeting. Jake kissed him back, holding him steady as his knee slid between Chris' legs, spreading them apart again. "Ready for round two?" Jake whispered in to his ear, tongue tracing the lobe, his hot breath still cool against Chris' skin, blood coursing through him. Chris' eyes opened wide as Jake kissed him again, shutting again as soon as Jake's hand ran down his side, almost sure that he'd pass out if Jake touched his cock, which was surprisingly ready for more even if the rest of him wasn't as eager. "Don't worry, I'll do all the work," Jake said, voice muffled as he kissed down Chris' neck. Both of them may had just cum, but Jake was hit with a new energy, there was just something about the way Chris was encouraging him, the way Chris had ridden out their orgasms that just made him want to keep going. Chris threw his head back, his back arching again as Jake slid two fingers into his hole. Jake grinned, listening to Chris' shallow breaths, his free hand holding Chris steady as his fingers slid in and out, his finger hooking just so to send shivers through Chris body. Any reservations that Chris had a few seconds ago disappeared; his entire body suddenly responsive to Jake's every move, no matter how big or small. Jake seemed to suddenly be an expert in multitasking, his lips sucking on Chris' collarbones as his fingers kept their smooth motions regular in his ass. "Jesus Christ, Jake, right there," Chris gasped, Jake's fingers circling his prostate. It wasn't that Jake needed any instruction; the words just seemed to spill out of him, Jake groaning in response, Chris wondering for just a second what pulled it out of him, his mind suddenly blank as Jake slid another finger inside, Chris gasping again, the air suddenly too hot around him, Jake's entire body pressed against him as his fingers worked inside. Reaching for Jake's cock, Chris was rewarded by a light nip on the neck, Jake's thumb brushing over his nipple as he stroked Jake's slippery dick. Groaning, Jake thrust his fingers in hard, Chris' body bucking at the new sensation, his fingers gripping Jake's cock. Chris' hand grabbed at Jake's hair, pressing Jake's lips hard against his own. Jake seemed to know right when to back off, working Chris with expert precision. Chris may have found Jake's spot early, used it to his advantage every time he got a chance, but Jake knew what to do to drive Chris crazy. Fingers pressing at Chris' prostate, Jake held their bodies together. Chris was moving under him, motions smooth, liquid almost, his hand alternating between soft pulls at Jake's balls and quick strokes of his cock. Jake's low grunts rang in Chris' ear, controlling themselves completely forgotten. "Fuck, Jake," Chris groaned, practically yelled, "I'm so close." "Cum for me, Chris...come on," Jake whispered, his fingers circling Chris' prostate before pressing on it hard, his hand halting when he felt Chris' hole clutching at his fingers, the cum shooting from his dick, head thrown back and eyes shut tight. His hand froze on Jake's cock, but just seeing him was enough, the graceful arc of Chris' back, the look of complete bliss on his face, that was enough for Jake, his cock erupting all over Chris' chest, their lips coming together again, bodies frantic. "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you," Jake sang softly, Chris' breathing still heavy as he smiled weakly, holding Jake tight against himself. He didn't know if Jake finished the song or not, just felt their bodies settle together and the soft veil of sleep slipping over him. *** Jake blinked his eyes open, the hazy morning sunlight glowing through the gauzy curtains that Maggie had hanging in the living room. He wondered how Chris slept in, wondered if Chris ever slept in at all with the room being so bright so early. He looked down, smiling as he saw Chris cuddled up into him, contented smile on his face even in his sleep. Another light knock at the door turned Jake's head in its direction and he remembered what had woken him up in the first place. It was the sound, not the light. He untangled himself from Chris' body, hearing Chris shift on the sofa bed and settling back into the sheets as he walked towards the door, his fingers smoothing down his hair before pulling his boxer-briefs up. Grasping the cold metal of the doorknob, he opened it and immediately wanted to shut it again, his reflexes stopped only by shock. "Gyllenhaal," Topher said, just as surprised, "shit." Jake was suddenly aware that he wasn't wearing a shirt, the cool morning air blowing past him, a shiver running through his body and goose bumps peeking through his warm skin, "He's still sleeping, does he normally get up this early?" "We were going to get breakfast for his birthday," Topher said, stepping backwards and almost stumbling down the steps of Maggie's stoop, "but I guess it was just one of those things that you say that you'll do but you don't really mean it." His voice trailed off, sure that Jake didn't want to hear any of it. There was a long silence, Jake pushing the door back and forth a tiny bit as he waited for Topher to say something or for something to come out of his own mouth, he didn't know which. "Let me get him up, he probably didn't mean to flake out on you." "I'll wait out here," Topher said, leaning against the bricks of the stoop, shoulders hunched. "No, come in, everyone's still asleep though," Jake said, opening the door wide. Topher nodded and stepped into the house, warmth enveloping he and Jake both as the door clicked shut. Topher watched as Jake leaned down, shaking Chris' shoulder gently as he whispered something in his ear. Chris reached up, hand wrapping around Jake's neck as Toper watched them press their foreheads together, Chris still half-asleep as Jake kissed his cheek. Chris pulled himself up off the bed, his boxers low on his waist as he stretched his arms up above his head, "Sorry Topher, let me get ready really quick and we'll head out," Chris said, half-talking and half-yawning. "It's alright," Topher said slowly, watching every move of muscle under skin as Chris walked into the bathroom. Jake sat down on the messy bed, "Hey Grace. Um...thanks for being there for him. I know we haven't really talked since all that happened, but Chris said that you helped him out so I owe you a thank you." Hearing the shower run, Topher could only nod, it felt like every tense minute stretched out for hours, Jake was the last person he expected to see, especially after hearing Chris say that Jake never once came down to New York and that he was the one that took a flight every weekend. "So the movie's going good?" The feeling was probably mutual, Topher thought; Jake would probably have rather opened the door for a pack of wild dogs than for him. "No, it's hell up there. But I couldn't leave him alone on his birthday." He had to admit it was sweet, but just one look at him told Topher that he was intruding on something. Jake looked exhausted from the late night flight, but there was still a sort of quiet love that seemed to fill him. "He's always saying that he misses you." Jake nodded, "It hasn't been easy. I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of the stuff he's doing." Jake sort of saw what Chris was saying, Topher really did have something about him that made him easy to talk to, he was a good listener and he seemed genuinely interested in what Jake had to say. "Like I'm usually backstage when he does TV things and here he's doing them by himself and he seems to be doing fine. It's great but part of me wants him to still need me there with him." "Jake, listen, he definitely still needs you." "No, he thinks he does, but he doesn't." "Sorry," Chris said, slipping a shoe on his foot as he stumbled down the hallway, "I tried to be as fast as I could but I didn't know if it was that cold outside. It's okay if I wear this, right?" Chris motioned to his outfit, dark blue jeans and a black t-shirt, pulling Jake's blue hoodie on over his head. He didn't wait for an answer, just stepped over and gave Jake a quick kiss on the forehead, fingers lingering on Jake's chest as the comforting mix of Jake's cologne and laundry detergent wafted up to his nose from the hoodie, "We'll be back. Do you want me to bring you anything?" "No, just save some room for lunch. I think my sister made reservations somewhere nice." "Okay," Chris said, pulling his sunglasses on and immediately pushing them up onto his head and into his hair, "I'll call when we're on our way back." "I love you," Jake threw out just as Topher and Chris were turning towards the door. "Thanks for coming down, Jake," Chris said, turning back to him. He walked back over, knuckles grazing Jake's stubble as he leaned down for a kiss, "I love you." He walked out the door, Topher giving Jake a quick wave as they closed the door behind them, the house suddenly quiet again. Collapsing down onto the bed, Jake drew the covers around him, reveling in the scent, a faint mixture of him and Chris. He had half-expected Chris to brush Topher off and spend the rest of the morning making out in bed, but Chris had obligations too and he understood that; he just thought, no, he wished, that it was still the way it used to be. He remembered days when Chris wouldn't work at all, ignoring all his phone calls, wouldn't even leave the bed if Jake was there with him, lazy days in Santa Barbara when they didn't have obligations to anyone but themselves. "When did you get here?" Peter asked, frozen in the hallway on his way to the kitchen, "did you fly in last night?" "Red-eye," Jake said, eyes still closed. He didn't know if going back to sleep would make him more tired or give him more energy. He wondered how long Chris would be, "Does Chris normally go out for breakfast?" "He usually gets bagels for us on the way home from his run or his bike ride," Peter said, "he's doing stuff before anyone's up. Once or twice through the park, I don't know, he says it gives him time to think." "And abs," Jake said, arm thrown over his eyes as he pictured them in his head, "but you probably don't get to see much of those." When had Chris gotten so into working out? There it was again, Chris starting something new and he was too busy to be a part of it. "No, he's pretty modest around here," Peter said, chuckling, "if you need anything, you know where everything is." Jake heard him in the kitchen, the distinctive sounds of coffee making before he heard Peter in the bathroom, water running as he brushed his teeth. It was nice, really nice to just lie there and have the morning routine happening all around him, but he wanted Chris there with him. That's why he came down, to see Chris, not lying on a sofa bed wondering whether or not it was worth the trip. Wrapping the sheets around himself, he let out a long sigh. "Ouch! Jesus," Jake yelled, feeling something smack him on the head. His eye shot open and he saw his sister, hair in loose waves around her face, "what's going on?" "You let him go? I heard the shower." "I made him go," Jake said, rubbing the sore spot on his head, "he wanted me to tell him that he caught my cold, but he already made plans." "This is the same guy he slept with, Jacob, I don't know if you've blocked that out entirely, but I'm reminding you." "I trust him," Jake said, turning back into the sheets, "I know he thinks I don't, but I do." "Sometimes, you don't deserve each other," Maggie said, leaning against the back of the couch. "Don't say that," Jake said, half wanting to go back to sleep and half wanting to keep talking. Was Chris doing something while he was in Toronto that Maggie knew about? Having him in New York seemed like a good idea because Jake knew Maggie would keep an eye on him and he'd get work done, but Jake didn't realize that New York had it's own set of dangers. Dangers or temptations--he wasn't sure. It was probably both. "Is he still the guy you met at the coffee shop your first day in Santa Barbara?" Maggie asked, expression serious. "No," Jake said, shaking his head, "that guy was definitely different. But Chris' come a long way. We've been through a lot and I wouldn't take any of that away, good or bad." "You know what?" Maggie asked, answering before Jake had a chance to say anything, "you've changed, too." Maggie got up, fingers smoothing Jake's wild hair, "One more thing," she said leaning down, "try not to wake the neighbors next time." *** "You guys didn't have to get me anything," Chris said, hands running over the plain brown paper wrapping. "Just open it," Maggie said, grinning, "I didn't use the expensive paper because I knew you wouldn't appreciate it." "Is it something we saw together?" Chris said, pulling the twine bow off of the box. He shook it lightly, it didn't make any noise, so he figured it was clothes or something like that. It was too light to be anything else. The paper tore as Jake took a sip of his mimosa, brunch settling in their stomachs as the sun started to peek out between the clouds, "First of all, this isn't funny," Chris said, the first thing he saw when he opened the black box was a package of nicotine patches. His eyes shot to Jake, "They caught me once and I swear they were going to stage an intervention. They made me throw the whole pack away." He had even made sure that no photographers were around. Even though he hated admitting it, photographers did follow him when he was by himself; not often, but they did. The last thing he wanted was for Jake to find out that he lit up to forget that he was three hundred miles from the one thing he cared about the most. "Ok, now look under the tissue," Peter said, "joke's over." He could tell that he and Maggie were the only ones that found it funny. "Oh man," Chris said, his entire face lighting up, "they said they didn't have it in my size." He ran his hand over the black cashmere. Turning to Jake, he could barely contain his smile, pulling Jake's hand over so that he could feel the softness of the sweater. "We had to get it sent from Italy," Maggie said, "and it's not like all your other ones, it has suede elbow patches." "I didn't have time to get you anything," Jake admitted, "the whole thing was pretty last-minute." Chris set the sweater back down into the box and leaned his head onto Jake's shoulder, "You know it doesn't matter." "I'll make it up to you," Jake said, fingers tangling in Chris', "whatever you want." "No, you flew down, that's enough; enough said. I got what I need right here," he said, squeezing Jake's hand. Chris reached for his own mimosa, the orange pulp already settling to the bottom of the flute, "I get to give a birthday toast, right?" Everyone nodded, smiling as they grabbed their own drinks, "So here's to being able to do what I love while I'm surrounded by people I love." Their glasses clinked together and everyone smiled, "Here, here," Peter said, the simplicity of the words still lingering in the air between them. It really was all anyone could ask for. "Hey, as soon as I get done...," Jake started. "We've all heard this before," Maggie said, "this movie is the most trying thing any of us have been through and you're the only one that's actually in it." It hit him hard, this movie really was hitting them harder than anything before, "Well, when it does finally wrap, I'm taking Chris to other house. We're going to spend some time on the beach, eat some crabs, and just forget about everything." "Other house?" Chris asked, setting his cup down and stirring his coffee instead. He needed something to occupy his nervous hands. "Our parents have a house in East Hampton," Maggie said, "we used to spend the summer there." Chris just nodded, impressed, but knowing that a lot of the things that Jake said would happen after he finished Fincher's Brave New World probably wouldn't. He had to promote it after all, and the free time he had during post-production wouldn't be enough for half the things he promised. "It's really nice," Maggie continued, "you'll like it." "I'll wear my new sweater," Chris said, grinning. *** "You really don't know how much it means to me that you came down." "It's your birthday," Jake said, "I didn't want it to be like last year." "I can't even remember what we did last year," Chris said, pulling away from Jake a little to think about it. "Exactly," Jake said, pulling him close again. Their lips met again, Jake's hand running up under Chris' thin sweater, Jake's blue hoodie long forgotten when they'd gone to a respectable place for brunch, "I wanted to give you something to remember this year. Follow me." "What do you mean?" Chris asked, following behind Jake, their hands joined as Jake led him through Maggie's house. "Since when don't you trust me about things like this?" Jake asked, looking back, forehead furrowed. "I..." Chris leaned against the wall, his hand still clutching Jake's. It was just that sometimes, times exactly like this, these things felt too forced, like Jake had set out to prove something. "Lead the way," he said, grabbing Jake's hand tighter. There were things he loved, like the flower on the night table that one time he flew up to Toronto, but he instantly remembered the time Jake had thought that something like this would solve everything, candles and kind words couldn't solve every problem, and it only made him more confused. Jake walked upstairs, pace hurried and excited. Maggie's house had two stories, Chris stayed on the bottom floor and Maggie and Peter's room was upstairs, but Jake kept going, heading up higher to the rooftop, "I didn't have a lot of time," Jake said, turning around to face Chris before opening the door, "but I really wanted to do something for you that you wouldn't forget." Chris leaned up and kissed him, "You didn't have to do anything. Really. I keep saying it and I really mean it," he whispered, forehead pressed against Jake's. Their eyes met, his pleading, hoping that Jake really hadn't gone to too much trouble. He had enough on his mind, Chris would hate himself knowing that Jake was planning something special for him and worrying about everything on the movie set at the same time. "You should open the door," Jake said, pulling Chris' hand towards the knob, "I want to see your face when you see it." That nervous feeling was in the pit of Chris' stomach, it was something that he'd never get used to, but he grabbed the doorknob, "I love it," he said, hand still. "You haven't even seen it yet," Jake said, crooked grin on his face. Chris pulled Jake towards him, feeling their bodies press together, Jake's scratchy cheek on his own, "I just didn't want to forget to tell you." "Come on," Jake said, "open the door." Chris followed orders, the bright sunlight shocking his eyes for a few seconds as he stepped out onto the roof. Jake's hand was on his again for just a second before it slid up, wrapping around Chris' shoulder. Rushing towards the table that Jake had set up, Chris' eyes were wide, it was dinner, plain and simple. No bells, no whistles; sure, there was a tablecloth and Chris recognized the fancy wine glasses that they'd gotten Maggie for her wedding, but this wasn't a grand gesture in any measure. He could smell the sweet powdery-floral scent of the single white peony that sat in the middle of the plates and tiny candles, "Just me and you," Jake said, wrapping his arms around Chris again. The sun was setting, casting that magical orange glow on everything, Chris taking a deep breath before turning around to face Jake. "I didn't think I could love you more than I already did," Chris said before he kissed Jake, hands wrapping around Jake's neck. It was the only thing he really wanted for his birthday, not a new sweater, not new books, nothing like that. All he wanted was to spend time with the one person that meant more to him than anything else, and Jake knew it. The months apart, the weekend visits, they only made Chris miss Jake more, it was just a reminder that they were apart, but this was all he could ask for: Jake. "I got everything you like," Jake whispered, "your Italian bread salad thing, corn chowder from that little place by the park. I got you that spicy chicken...I can't even remember it all. It's way more food than we can eat." *** Topher sat in the bar that he and Chris had been frequenting for the past week or so, feeling a little weird that he was there by himself, but habit more than anything else drove him to the same stool that he sat on every time they were there. "No buddy tonight, sailor?" the bartender said, her eyes sparkling. "Flying solo. But I'll have same as always." "Drinking alone can get dangerous. Is he picking you up?" "Not tonight, I'll take a cab, don't worry about me." "Then I'll have this first one with you, can't start the night off with nothing but that sad face," she said, cracking a beer open for Topher and herself. This was usually when Topher would ask Chris how his day was, cool beer sliding down his throat as Chris pushed the fact that he was miserable without Jake out of his head and told Topher that he was fine. "Got someone waiting for you at home?" she asked, fingers running over the cool glass of the bottle. "My someone's got someone else." "You're not the only one," she said, shaking her head, "you'd be surprised how many times I hear that. Every night." "It's a lost cause," Topher said, taking a big gulp from his bottle, "it's been a long road and I think it's time to just stop. Being friends is good enough for me." "Friends and lovers are separate," she said, "don't even try. I've nursed those wounds a million times." "So what do you tell them to do?" "Get over it, plain and simple." It was easier said than done, Topher thought, but he nodded, letting her get back to work. There was just too much history between him and Chris, between him and Jake even, way too much to just drop. When he woke up wondering if it would be the day Jake kicked his ass or the day Chris would just forget about him, how could he just get over it? It killed him every time he saw Chris. He knew Chris felt awful every time they saw each other, like he was doing something to hurt Jake, but he seemed to need something from Topher just like Topher needed something from him. But the underlying feeling that Topher always had was that maybe it wasn't Chris that he needed and wanted, it was just what Chris gave him, what Chris gave Jake. He wanted it, too. "Get that look off your face," the barkeep said again, "and just one more of those tonight. I don't care how much you think you can handle." *** The last rays of the sun caught on Chris' rings and they started to pick up the cool glow of the moon instead, Jake's eyes drawn to them, the thin band on Chris' pinky and the two right next to it on his ring finger, looking more like one thick one than two separate ones. "I'm so full," Chris said, smiling as Jake pulled them together, Chris leaning back against Jake's strong chest. "There's cake," Jake said, "you can't have birthdays without cake." "I'm going to explode if I have one more bite," Chris said, hand running over Jake's. Jake reached behind him, opening one of the coolers that he'd been getting the food out of all night and pulled out a little pink box. Chris' eyes lit up at the novelty of it, a smile coming to his lips. He watched as Jake opened the box and revealed a single cupcake, silver paper and white frosting. "Is that my favorite, too?" Chris asked. "I wouldn't get you anything else," Jake said, pulling a candle out of his pocket. Putting the cupcake down onto a plate, he lit the birthday candle with one of the votives that were flickering on the little table. Chris watched the dancing flame as Jake held him tight, "Ready to make your wish?" "It came true already," Chris whispered, turning around to look at Jake, a contented smile on both their faces, "when you woke me up last night, it was everything I wanted. I just wanted to be with you." Jake leaned down, kissing Chris softly, his eyes shutting as soon as Chris reached up and traced his jaw, "So I can have your birthday wish?" "It's yours," Chris said as he held up the cupcake, offering it to Jake; flame still flickering in the hazy glow of the city lights. Jake closed his eyes again, a soft puff of air blew from his lips and the flame disappeared in a swirl of white smoke, the wispy tendrils carrying his wish to wherever it needed to go. "Is it going to come true?" Chris asked, grabbing Jake's hand one more time, feeling Jake's fingers tangling in his own. Jake shook his head, still silent. "Why not? What did you ask for?" Jake pulled Chris tight against him, feeling Chris settle into the embrace, "Just wanted this to last forever." *** "Still asleep?" Maggie asked as she walked into the living room, a cup of coffee warming her hands. Chris nodded, his head hidden under the thick down comforter and he heard her shuffle away, her slippers dragging across the hardwood floor as she walked. They'd dropped Jake off at the airport last night after a weekend of celebrating Chris' birthday and just being together, but Chris couldn't remember it ever being this hard. He woke up dreading the fact that when he opened his eyes, Jake wouldn't be there. He threw the sheets over his head instead, tears falling from his cheeks slowly. It hadn't happened for a long, long time, he thought he'd gotten used to it, but as he wiped the tears away gently, he just wanted to get on a plane and see Jake again. It hurt more because Jake came to him, he figured, hurt more because Jake had made up for everything, every single time Chris had to move one of his appointments or cutting something short because he had to catch a plane, every time he called and couldn't get through, it all seemed like nothing now that Jake came down; like the last five days of walking through the city and just being together, being able to hold his hand anytime and to smell him and be with him all day, replaced everything that he hated about Jake being so far away. He slinked towards the bathroom, shocked to see his eyes puffy and swollen, tired even though he just woke up. "Shit," Chris groaned, splashing water on his face. The shock of the cold seemed to erase some of the redness, but he had to get out. Maggie would dote on him and Peter would just freak out, he couldn't let them see him like this. He couldn't believe he was being like this again, heartbroken and lonely didn't suit him. Images flashed through his head as the cold water splashed down from the shower, the first time they'd been apart, the first time they'd been apart for three months, and even worse, the time they'd been apart because he'd fucked everything up. It felt awful, like a part of him was gone. He'd gotten so used to just seeing Jake on the weekends, he felt so spoiled to have Jake for five days in a row, it was like everything he built to deal with not having Jake had crumbled down and he was back to square one. Drying off, he had trouble getting his contacts in, something he could usually do while he was half-asleep, couldn't even grab clothes without remembering things about Jake, like how he always liked it when Chris wore brown, loved his thin sweaters because he could practically feel Chris' skin through the soft cashmere. Throwing on his favorite hoodie, bright blue and threadbare, cuffs frayed, he grabbed his sunglasses and ran to the curb, hailing a taxi. He didn't know where to go, he just had to get away from not having Jake. "I'm at Fred's, Natalie. It's overrated and I'm by myself," Chris said, eyes staring out at the New York skyline from the restaurant at Barney's, it was like going shopping would make him forget everything, the artificial happiness at Barney's surrounding him, pushing most of the sadness from his head and his heart. It wasn't that he loved shopping, he just liked getting lost in the displays and the ads, there was something about the way stores were set up, Barney's especially, that seemed to take him away from the real world. "I can't, I've got a bunch of stuff to do today and I'm across town." Chris let out a long sigh, nodding even though he knew she couldn't see him, "I miss him, Natalie. I don't know what's going on in my head, but I can't stop thinking about him." "You'll get through it, you always do." "I just want this to be over." "So you can abandon me again? It's nice having you around. Your book is out soon, you'll be back to this all over again." "I don't even want to think about that," Chris groaned, "I'm sort of half-assing it as it is." "Listen, I'll call you back, I have to get this other call. Cheer up, he's not going to be gone forever." Chris hung up and slid his phone onto the table, stirring his chowder, eyes still fixed out the window. He wondered if Jake was looking up at the same sky, missing him, but Jake was probably working, toiling away at the goddamn script with that goddamn director in goddamn Canada. Chris regretted even leaving the house, holding his face in his hands. 'You can get through this,' he said silently. It just seemed to hit him all at once. It was so weird to be the one being left behind. He wondered what Jake was like after every flight Chris took back to New York. No wonder Jake was always so desperate for him to get up there. It was hard for him too, but with so many things to distract him, he could normally push the sadness out of mind, there was just something about watching Jake get onto the plane, their hands meeting through the glass of the boarding gate and that look on Jake's face. Another sigh fell from his lips and he held back tears. 'God, what the hell is wrong with you?' Chris thought, running his hands through his hair. He shook himself, it wasn't the first time and it wouldn't be the last. He needed to get his thick skin back if he was going to get through the next few weeks. *** Chris had wandered around the city all day, felt ridiculous having a pair of shoes sent back to the house from Barney's, but he couldn't have been carrying it around for the rest of the day. He went everywhere Jake loved, the little sandwich stand they always ate at when they rode their bikes, the little coffee shop they went to, he didn't know why, it just made him feel worse in the end. He went from place to place, remembering how Jake would pour over the menus, order way too much food for two people, but more than that, just how good it felt for the two of them to be together. Feeling the familiar vibration of his phone, he glanced at it, a picture of Jake flashing on the screen, that same crooked grin that lingered in his head right there on the screen. "Are you on break?" "Sort of," Jake said, "how's your day going?" "It's fine," Chris said, leaning against a tree, grateful to even just hear Jake's voice. "I'm usually a wreck after you leave," Jake said, "but you've got Maggie there to keep you busy." "Yeah." "Are you sure you're okay?" "I miss you," Chris said, deciding to sit down on the grass. He looked up at the trees, green giving way to traces of orange and yellow, "Summer's gone. We lost it, I didn't even realize." "We'll get summer back as soon as we get home," Jake said. "I...I'm already booked for Friday morning," Chris said, "that's okay, right?" "It's perfect," Jake said. Something was up with Chris, he could practically feel it through the phone, hear it in the way Chris was talking and breathing. "Vivian said that she'd get my schedule to me for the next few weeks," Chris said, "maybe we can work something out so I can be there when the movie wraps." "That'd be awesome," Jake said, his head spinning with the right things to say. Words usually didn't work in situations like this; he knew Chris needed to feel him, to see him. Jake would have given anything right now to just hold him, take the sadness right from his body. "I miss you, Jake," Chris whispered. He'd already said it, but it seemed to his Jake even harder, "Chin up, Chris. It's the last stretch of this." Taking a deep breath, Chris stayed silent, just needing to have Jake on the other line. "Chris? Chris, are you still there?" "I'll call you later. I just have to get myself together. I don't know what's up with me," Chris said, voice quiet and slow. "I love you Chris." *** Crawling back into bed, Chris was grateful that there was nobody downstairs. He threw the covers over his head and closed his eyes, letting the feelings bubble up to the surface, quiet sobs coming from his mouth, tears falling from his eyes. What was wrong? He felt completely out of control, emotions welling up inside of him even though he'd been through this a million times. "Chris, where have you been all day?" it was Peter, "a box came for you." He walked out to the living room, seeing Chris huddled under the covers, "Is everything okay?" No, nothing was okay. "I'm good," he croaked, not fooling himself or Peter. "What's going on?" Chris could feel the bed shift under Peter's weight. A soothing hand ran over his shoulder, gripping it lightly. "What did he do this time?" "Nothing," Chris said softly, "I just miss him. I feel like a big part of me is just...gone." Peter pulled the covers off of him and he blinked back the tears, Peter's messy hair and warm eyes, his smile same as always. Peter was always so put together, Chris saw, never really let anything get to him, and if things did get to him, he didn't show it. Chris wiped away the tears, Peter's face softening. He was still in his boxers even though it was way past lunchtime, Peter loved just lounging around the house all day, reading magazines, doing his own thing. Chris was glad to have someone even though he thought he wanted to be alone, being alone all day had only made him feel worse. "Come on, you've gotten through this," Peter said, pulling Chris into a hug. It felt so good, wrapped up in Peter's arms, feeling his soft chest hair against his fingertips, letting everything just come out. "It's never felt like this before, not since the beginning." "And you got through it then, right?" Peter held him tight. "Barely." "What happened over your birthday that got you like this? You were handling the entire thing really well before he came down." "I don't know. It was perfect. He spoils me." "You spoil him too, going up there the way you do. You've got more time in the air than most pilots." "I don't know what happened. I just need to chill out." "You just have to get cleaned up. I'll take you out, just you and me. We've got to get you out of this bad mood." "I'm such a mess." "I'm surprised it's taken this long," Peter said, pulling Chris up off the sofa bed, "love sucks, doesn't it?" "It's worth it, though." *** Jake smiled as he clicked his phone on, Chris didn't send him that many messages, it was usually easier just to talk, but when he did, they always seemed to be the sweetest notes. Everything's ok. Just hearing how shaky Chris' voice had been on the phone, how lost and distant he seemed shook Jake. That wasn't the Chris he knew. Nobody deserved to be going through what they'd been enduring for so long already. They were doing everything it took, but more often than not, it always sort of felt like they'd both fallen short of expectations. Whatever he did, Jake was glad that everything was back on track. Four more days and Chris would be right here with him; and that was all it took to bring a smile to his face. *** Chris' footsteps suddenly brought him and Peter to the door of the bar that he'd been going to, it was close to the house and it was small, nothing seedy, just a place Chris found one night. "I used to come here all the time before the wedding," Peter said. "The beer's cheap," Chris said, "and it's quiet." He walked inside, Peter right behind him and he grabbed the stool he always sat on, only this time, he wasn't with Topher. It felt a little weird. "Your friend came in all by himself the other night, but I guess you don't have the same problem he does," the bartender said, same one as always, "usual?" "Make it two," Chris said. "Your friend?" Peter asked, "is this where you go when you tell us you're going out?" "Sometimes," Chris said, watching the bartender bring their beers, "usually." "Don't worry, I don't let him get too out of hand," she said, "but it's because he and his friend leave big tips." Chris grinned, first one all day and Peter smiled too, couldn't help it. It was just nice to see Chris out of his funk. "He wasn't getting to crazy, was he?" "Two drinks and he was out of here. Broken heart though, you could tell just looking at him. You're gonna have to help him through it." Cringing, Chris grabbed his beer, feeling the cold glass against his fingers. Peter didn't know what to think, it was more than a little awkward for the both of them. Chris sat there for a while, watching her half-flirt with Peter the way she sort of flirted with Topher. He guessed the rings on his finger sort of made him off-limits, but as he sipped his beer, peeling at the corner of the label with his nail, nothing was getting any clearer in his head. He still missed Jake more than he could ever remember and there wasn't a reason. "I think I have to go home," Chris said, setting his beer down, bottle almost empty. "Let me get this and we'll go." "No, I think I have to go back to Santa Barbara." "Don't you have all these weekend flights booked already?" "I can go home for a few days and just get my head together and then I'll fly back here and then I'll fly back to Toronto." Peter shook his head, brow furrowed, "You're crazy. I think you just need to go to sleep and maybe take a ride tomorrow. That'll clear your head without planes and airfare." "I think I just have to get away from all this stuff." "Christopher, listen to me. You can't run away from things like this. Your head is on your shoulders and no matter how much you think you can get away from it, you always manage to just lose it. You've just got to stick it out. I'm not letting you go." Chris turned to look at Peter, the cool, laid-back air that he normally had around him was replaced by determination and worry. "I love you too much to let you just go away. If you want to talk about it, talk. This isn't something you deal with by yourself. I mean I've gone through what you're going through. I know you feel ripped to shreds inside. Talk to me." His eyes were intense, emphasized even more than they would have been because Chris wasn't used to seeing him like this, so adamant about something, entire being driven to pound his point into Chris' head. "Ok, but we're going to need another round." *** Habit brought Topher back to the bar, but as he unzipped his jacket, he saw Chris there, same place they always sat, right at the end of the bar near the wall. He stood there, body frozen as he watched Chris talking to Peter. He looked like he was going to cry, but Peter's hand was gripping his shoulder. He'd never felt so completely useless, that was what he had been doing for weeks now, he was the one listening to Chris' heartbreaking tirades, he was the person Chris leaned on for things like this, not Peter, who'd been there all along and never once to Topher's knowledge offered anything more than the sofa bed. He stepped outside, back into the crisp air shaking his head. He didn't know what to think, it was sort of their place, but he'd gone by himself and they never talked about it like it was anything special. It just seemed like a place they had. What next, would he bring Jake for after dinner beers just to twist the knife in deeper? He was tired of it, taking the backseat to whoever Chris happened to be with at the time, be it Jake or Peter in this case. He zipped up his jacket, zipping it back down again to hear the sound, to do something with the nervous energy that was coursing through him. Steps determined, driven by anger and passion, he walked back inside, straight back to where Chris and Peter were sitting, where he and Chris should have been sitting. "Hey fellas," Topher said, hand patting Peter's shoulder firmly, he was even drinking Topher's favorite beer, "Chris showing you our favorite spot?" "Topher, hey," Chris said, composing himself. He ran his fingers over his face, hoping that he looked better than he felt, knowing that it wasn't likely, "Did you want a beer, I can get one for you." "No, I'm alright, just wondering what's going on with you. We haven't talked since before your birthday." "I've been a little down," Chris said, smiling as he continued, "but Peter's helping me through it. He's been great." "That's awesome, so I guess I'm out of the picture, right?" "Keep it down, Topher," Peter said, pulling him into the stool beside him. "What? That's all I am, Chris doesn't have Jake and he runs to me, but if he has you now, he's done. Until next time, Jake'll be working and then I'll get the call and you know what, Chris? Maybe I won't pick up. What then?" "It's not like that Topher, it's just that I didn't realize..." "It's nothing, right? You'll say sorry and then I'm right back where I was. It has to stop, Chris." "Topher, come on, this isn't the time for arguing about this. From what I've heard and what I know, you're not going to get a straight solution to everything tonight." "Dishing out your sage wisdom to me now?" Topher said, voice dripping with sarcasm, "I don't need it." "Chill out, Topher. Come on," Chris said, eyes meeting Topher's from across Peter's body, "don't do this." "I'm not doing anything," Topher said, "you're the one that keeps stringing me along. I can't deal with it anymore." It wasn't true, Topher knew inside that if Chris told him to hop through flaming hoops, he'd do it in a heartbeat. If Chris needed someone, he'd come running every time. It was just the sight of him bringing Peter, someone on Jake's team, practically an enemy even though they'd never met each other formally that made him mad. "Why are you doing this, Topher? I never meant to give you the wrong impression. We're just friends," Chris said, heart beating a million times a minute. He didn't want to get into this again, not with Topher, not with anyone, "You said so yourself. Don't make this into something it isn't. And it's not even Jake, Peter's married." "It's not that," Topher lied, "I just...it's...if you think your head is mixed up, what the hell do you think is going on in mine?" "You boys want to keep it down over there?" the three of them heard from across the bar. Chris immediately looked the other way, the last thing he needed was to be snapped at by a stranger. He wasn't in college anymore and neither were Peter and Topher. This was ridiculous, they were grown men, manners suddenly disappearing, their voices raised like wild animals. He had to stop it. "Topher, just stop. We're going to have to talk about this, but not now and not with Peter here. Jake might have the sense not to punch you, but I've never seen Peter like this. Call me when you've calmed down. I'm serious, you call me," Chris said, grabbing Peter's arm. He threw money down onto the bar and pulled Peter out, feeling how fast his heart was beating, how hot his skin felt. "What the hell are you doing hanging out with him?" Peter snapped at Chris as soon as they left the bar, "and you want him to call you? What the fuck?" "Peter, I don't need this from you or from anyone. Obviously it's complicated. It's not just something that's going to go away." "I hope for your sake that you get it over with fast. Can't you see that he's part of why you feel like shit? He listens, but does he tell you what to do about it? Does he help?" Chris thought about it and of course, Peter was right. Topher did more nodding and agreeing during their talks than anything else. The more he thought about it, the more he saw that they were just using each other. "No," Chris said, not sure what else he could say. His eyes were focused on the ground, his hands deep in the pockets of Jake's hoodie. The smell and feel of it made him realize what this was all about. He needed Jake more than anyone else. "You're done with him, Christopher. No more, do you get it? He was nothing and you've just got to let it go." Nodding, Chris just kept walking. "Say it, Christopher. Promise me. Do it for you and Jake." He let out a long sigh, not sure if he could really do it. He'd never just cut someone off, friendships faded and people lost touch, but he'd never just severed a relationship like this. "I'm done," he said. No tears, nothing. --- Feedback? christopherrluu@gmail.com